“Poem for Paul”

He carries a revolver in his hand
He tells me he hopes he’s going to the promise land
Playing Russian roulette wishing for death
He carried that revolver for around for 12 hours never feeling safe or sound
His soul weeped and his heart cried
He so badly just wanted the pain to step outside
He smoked and he drank to feel more than just pain
He said his heart was broken and it could never be replaced and his sins couldn’t be washed away
He said his soul was like black tar ******
And after those words I knew I would never see him again
I knew the old us was the end us
But my heart still beats for him and I wish I could comfort him
His soul was purer than he thought
He used to talk me out of my suicidal thoughts
Losing him would be like losing my other half
I would be dark and cold submerged in a bath
His voice is so sad and his eyes are so black
I wish he wasn’t being attacked
I just wish I could win his soul back.

There is no arguing when you're drunk
You never listen to what I say.
And there's no use trying even when you're not.
You don't understand either way.

All these voices
yet I'm still alone.

Tic-Tok, Tic-Tok,
Time's ticking down on my personal clock
Moments that feel like just yesterday,
all have faded away.
Everyone dies.
I never know the last goodbye.
remember the way I used to feel,
when my end was not-so-near
Fast-forward into today,
everything continues to fade away
How I wish I had used my time better
Tic-Tok, Tic-Tok
How I wish I could slow down my personal clock.

So I understand that
It’s good to release,
to flush away the bad ****,
the toxins and the chemicals.
But every now and then
I like to tease it, trace the outline of the rose until it’s spread it’s petals, then stop.
Let it die down, slowly, gently.
It’s a way of controlling the
Little things, the right gaps to fill.
Manipulating those who expect
the usual.

I understand physics and chemistry
I understand pain and love
I understand how I broke the chains I was bound by
But I don't understand words
How can something pain someone so deeply
While bearing the greatest joy to someone
Delicately placed, strokes of handcrafted art
Telling me I'm worthless
I don't understand them
Invisible things that help and heal
Burn and deceive, revealing old wounds
The invented passageway to our hearts and souls
So beautiful, but so very complex
Why do they lie?
I will never understand them.