the grey just comes sometimes

other times I think myself into it. I wish I could think myself out of it just as easily.

I loved her and I love him because of every way they are different from you

every way they love me differently and better than you do. than you know how.

father's day shouldn't be like this. it shouldn't be a time like this. I don't want it to always be like this.

I don't want my kids to grow up in a house knowing there are days in a year mom won't be able to get out of bed

knowing those days are connected to a man that is nothing like their father. a man not capable of growing up enough to teach his children anything intentionally.

I don't want an anxiety attack to be forever hanging in the shadows for me exact days a year. I want to love and be loved without feeling like you're in the room telling me I'm doing it wrong.

I want you to be my daddy. that's all I've ever wanted.

but instead, I've gotten Anthony.

and because of that, I will always be the 5th grader you bullied. the one you made to feel less than. the one you showed over and over again that she couldn't be herself in your presence.

and now at 19, I deal with the consequences.
I face the realities.

I will never come out to you.
I will never run to you when my heart is broken.
I will never get to ask you if your grey is the same shade as mine.
I will never get to ask if you've ever gotten so far into it that it seems like a shade of black. I won't get to ask how you got out of it. how I get out of it.
my children won't know you in the ways I want them to.
my children won't understand. I won't give them a father who would make them understand.

sometimes I want to wish you away. other times I am grateful for the lessons you have taught me. I wish I knew what kind of time this was.

I would've given birth
To you,
Endured whatever
Mothers do.
Instead, I did
What Dads do.

I rocked you
Til my future shook;
Watched you til
I couldn't look.
As you changed,
I changed too,
To do the things
That Dads do.

You were bathed,
Dressed and fed;
I loved you so much
I was saved.

If there's credit,
Well, I get it,
For teaching you to read.
I took the blame
When you got bored
With school's ABC's.

I followed you
In all your roles,
Your teams,
Your solos,
Your trips,
Your shows.
First to clap,
Last to sit;
I taped it all,
From start -
To finish.

I taught you
How to tie a lace,
Ride a bike,
Golf and skate.
When time arrived
For you to drive,
You learned
On standard,
Never stranded,
You came home alive.

Your highs
I took in stride,
By example taught
Humility's pride.
Your lows,
I couldn't internalize,
I dropped my guard
With my eyes.

When Dad's do well
It's a double edge,
The future wedge.
The world
Revealed
Desired you too.
I don't dismiss
What mothers do,
But when Dads do well,
Both lose you.

There's a story untold,
and that is, my dad has a heart of gold.
I promise you, I'll take care of you when you grow old.
Like how you took care of me, when I'm three years old.

He holds hammer, he likes gun,
and he will do anything for his loved one.
I'm so happy,
cause to have you as my dad?
I'm very lucky.

Peugeot, Porsche, Lexus, Ford.
You deserve more, more than adored.
With you, my life will be explored,
Without you, it will be uncolored.

"The greatest gift I ever had, came from God, and I call him dad."
I love you Daddy,
You never let me feel unhappy,
because you always do your duty,
and that is making me feel "Life is easy."

Dad, you're my superhero.
You know how to keep me out of sorrow.
With you, there's a beautiful tomorrow.
And with you, I glow.

I love you Daddy.....

YOUR FATHER IS DEAD
And yet you will not let that dead man rest his dry bones
In the dirt, in the grave where he belongs.

YOUR FATHER HAS BEEN GONE THREE YEARS
And yet you speak of him like he sits up north still
In his cabin, smoking his wretched lungs to flame.

YOUR FATHER WAS ABUSIVE
And yet despite every beating, every ****** attempt
In your mind he was the greatest man to ever live.

YOUR FATHER DOESN'T DESERVE YOUR LOVE
And yet even though he never told you what you wanted to hear,
In your head you make up his words: "I love you."

YOUR FATHER ****** YOU UP
And yet you tell me about the lessons he taught you like a saint;
In your life you repeat his brutalities, his learning legacy.

YOUR FATHER LIVES IN YOU
And yet you are blind to his quirks you repeat, that
In your daughter you have made a new you:

Blind, quivering, trapped, choking on tears
She is everything you were and you try to make her
Everything you wished you were
But in your repression, your denial --
When you cling to his grave and the things you made up about him
Like a leech, like a disease, like a haunting,
You let him live again in you.

And he was not a good man.
He was a hurtful man.
A proud man.
A bad man.
A killer of your precious, finite vitality.

And just like he destroyed you,
You will destroy her.

Brother, you told me once you were scared
to have a daughter.

You knew this when you baby-sat
a baby girl with your wife,

and you, a former American Army infantryman

melted and was brought down in a way

that the guns you faced in Afghanistan never could.

She’ll be my princess, I remember you saying.

A little girl all dressed in pink,
whatever she’ll ask for, you'll give it.

You were relieved when the first child

you and your wife had was

a baby boy, but to be honest,

you melt all the same,
even 9 months later.

But I’ve always wanted to ask,
“Why are you afraid to have a daughter?”

You know the stories how our mother gave birth for the first time

and how she labored in the car
when she drove herself to the hospital.

And how your pregnant wife came home on her lunches from work

and would cry on the floor because her back hurt so bad,

But she still sat up and went back to work--

the same way our older sister cried on her first day back

from maternity leave and parted with her baby boy for the first time,

the same way Mom went back to work when you and Dad deployed.

What you know of women is that we’re strong,

that we dry our tears and continue on with the world.

Really what we do is keep the world spinning
with the force of how much we love.

So anything, you give your daughter
will be returned in multitudes.

You were taught the same way to love that I was--

instinctively and unconditionally and unrelentingly.

And maybe you’re afraid that your daughter

won’t be able to walk home alone at night

or that no one will listen to her,

And you know this is a poem from your younger sister.

So savor that I’m saying you’re not wrong,
because I don't know when that will happen again.

Your daughter may have to work harder to be heard

and to keep herself safe than any son you have.

But know no matter, how strong she is or how hard she works

that **** still happens

and it won’t be her fault.

and you know because you have two sisters

and you’ve heard our stories.

Statistics say that 1 in 3 women experience ****** or physical violence.

We have one President, who bragged on a Hollywood Access bus

about grabbing women by the *****  

because they let him

and because no one stopped him.

Brother, be scared of the men who would hurt your daughter,

but brother, don’t be scared to have a daughter,

Because she will love you the same way
your wife, your mother,

and your sisters have loved,

that our bodies may break and tear in the doing
but we will choose to do it all over again.

We see our fathers as Gods,
Our mothers as tourniquets
Knotted at the scathings
Our Gods have given us.
Are we gifted or are we at fault?