Whats the word they use?
Dead.
I should be dead.
2013 I'm young at heart but numb to reality.  I'm pushed around and beaten senseless.
The bruises come and go, but I think Nothing of em.

2016 I'm a little more acquainted to the pain.
Fear looked at me in the eye and moved in with me .
The silent tears I let fall made groves in the ground.
Sometimes I want to feel something other than pain, but what else is there aside ? I dont know .

2018 I know the best ways to land . Face covered, hands shielding, legs running as fast as they can.
I know every foot step, and the weight they carry behind em.
I know the schedule like clockwork.
I know what to say and what not to say.
I'm a good girl.

2019 im a little bolder . So much more smartmouthed. It's earned me newer cuts and swolen bruises but I can stand on my own two feet.
Eyes alert, anger bubbling.
I know every moment and thier intentions.
2020 I'm plotting. Its wrong. But I know now.
I told a friend why I had that on my shoulder. He looked at me in shock.
Mace? A knife? Maybe a tazer.
I know every floor board and how to slip away unnoticed.
But what lies ahead ?
What else can I feel ?
Is it worse?
All I know is I should be dead. And yet here I am.

You try to escape,
You want it all to fade,
But it has always stayed.
At times you feel it has all gone,
And all those thoughts have finally decayed.
But it's not true,
Because now it is a part of you.

It has always been there in some corner of your mind,
Making you believe that you've left it behind.
But all it needs, is a moment to rise.
When you're a bit low, when you're in disguise,
Once again it will greet you with surprise.
But it's just a matter of time,
Depends on how well you let these thoughts sublime?
Because now it is a part of you,
And your past will always latch on to you.

But it was YOUR past,
Bright or dark,
Now it is your part.
So what matters is, are you that smart?
Have you decided to be its slave?
Ready to get brushed away by those terrible thoughts' wave?
And allow it to weaken all your faith?
It all depends on your call.
Rise above those horrors or let yourself fall?
And let it control you like a Voodoo doll?

Yeah, no!
That's not who you are!
Because deep down you know you have that power to control.
After all, it was YOUR past,
And there's no such thing that you can't surpass.
You just have to focus on the bright instead of dark.
I know it leaves a mark,
But you can always embark.
You don't need to be a prisoner of your past.
Let go of the rest,
Just keep those lessons it taught.
It may come back as it is a part of you,
But it is all on you,
As it all depends on what part you choose, to hold on to.

It feels like home
It feels like prison

It's a place where I grow
But it's also the place where
The shouting of my parents
Echoed throughout my room,
Where I held my brother, telling him it's going to be over soon.

It's a place where I play and sing
But it's also the place where—
My mother's new boyfriend pushed
My brother to the ground, him bleeding
And crying and shouting and begging
For forgiveness as if it were his fault,
It's the place where I shouted for my brother but all I got was a ****** smirk from the new boyfriend
And I felt a sudden disgust sending
Throughout my skin.

It's a place built of dark days that seem no end,
But now it's just a shack of woods and *****.

I was just a girl,
Full of dignity.
Slightly reserved,
With a sense of humor.

He was a guy,
With a mask.
Humor carried his smile,
With a sarcastic tone.

His vibes unreadable at a distance.

Every inch of movement,
Caught my blue eyes.
A sense of amusement from the boldness.

The way he carries himself,
Like someone with a purpose.
For crossing paths with me.

Me being slightly reserved,
Knew no bounds of his honesty.
Testing the waters.
Wanting the mask to be removed.

I never knew his life story,
Never knew he almost sacrificed himself.
Never knew he was abused by a past relationship.

I didn't care for that,
I wanted to know him.

This blond haired,
Brown-eyed guy.
Knew I was watching him.

I wanted to break the ice,
To plan a surprise attempt.
He beat me to it.

Ever since day one,
His vibes became readable.
When the ice was broken.

The memories of darkness,
Pain and stress covered his soul.
His eyes were deep with understanding,
His wits high like a fox.

I wanted to help,
To hold his hand.
To hold him when the memories attacked.

I was too scared to say Hello,
He said it for me.
His boldness giving me courage to respond in kind.

After our official meeting,
I became anxious to see him.
To see him laugh at lunch,
To see him focus in English class.

I wanted his mask to be removed,
For him to show his true self to me.
I gained his trust and respect,
He fell for me.

Now my past has been dark,
Mates of that past cruel..
He healed me of this wounds,
Just by being nice.

Now..
I've fallen for him too.
*It was like love at first sight.