Compartmentalized;
..An elevated view of you
shows booth, after booth,
after booth, after booth,
after booth, after booth,
after booth, after booth,
after booth, after booth,
after booth, after booth,
after booth, after booth,
.. after booth, after booth
Each one partitioned with
an impenetrable curtain
hanging off of a bone-frame
stainless steel pipe structure,
Built high enough for the
different parts of you
to sense, but not feel..
what part of you
is in the other booth.
Problem is,
You want and expect
me to orbit around it all
as if each isolated part
is, in itself..
actually the whole you..
when I know it is only
a tremendously-lonely
part of the whole.
And you take love to be
some form of blindness
on my part
--to the elephant in the room,
And I tell you I love you..
And I tell you,
"No.. I won't do it"
--And your shame kicks in
causing you to feel
I'm too harsh..
or being judgemental.
Yet all along, you are knowing--
That just a few moments with me..
and the walls come tumbling down.
. . . . . .
When the partitions drop
(that is your terror)
(that is your horror)
You will not annihilate
into a million fragments
of nothingness
The you(s).. of you
will meet one another
for the very first time
since you were first dismembered
(fragmented, so very long ago.)
You will not disintegrate, love..
You will Re- integrate.
Love does that. It does.
But you already know that.
Yet still you hide (.. from me.)
You are addicted to the 'comfort'
the partitions's isolation brings.
Your relationship is not with
the sum of the parts as a whole..
but with the internal "construct" within you--
the chasm.. the gap..
--the empty space between those parts;
as it uninstalls one part of the intricate you
and re-installs the next
And you have no idea how to
orchestrate
the many different parts of you
like a conductor would do
with his orchestra.. therefore,
You can only be in relationship
with one part of yourself at a time--
..Each partitioned 'self'
has an e-mail address
Each one has
a separate account of its own..
Each one, within itself.. convinced
that it carries within itself
its own, separate genetic imprint
Each one, you can milk
within its incompleteness
as if it in itself, is complete--
.. Flaunting it, flaunting it;
as though it is the complete you
while all other necessary parts of the whole
remain dangerously dormant..
--being Unholy-ghosted by
whatever currently-visible part of you
now has control of the ship.
--And throughout the years
I am expected to weather the storm
and gather pieces, from pieces..
and then magically (oh.. I can..)
piece them all together as I speak to you
without you having to even feel
the tension (absurdity) of the
mis-placed accountability
(and responsibility)
to enter into love
as a Whole (the sum of many parts)
And so here I am.. orbiting
orbiting orbiting--
around your ever-changing mood swings;
the "Paul-is-good," one day
and "Paul-is-bad," the next,
(those ever-changing perspectives,
gaslighting.. gaslighting.. gaslighting)
--in order that you might remain 'the same'
based on whatever current-visible part of you
is currently at the helm..
The current pilot of the ship
wholly unaware of the leadership styles,
opinions and views of that of the last.
Harsh sounding.. I know..
(but you know..)
And so, here's the rub--
You are feeling your days
to be numbered..
You have been around me
too long, love.
(that is your fault) You knew.
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/4159831/tourniquet-smiles-yeah-that/
I wrote that such a long time ago
We are getting closer to Home, love.
I wrote this strange little ditty
before I wrote that other one..
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/3383529/fragments/
What you have feared most
has now given way
to the sound of inevitability
(You should have ran
..but you didn't.)
..The sound of inevitability
isn't really a sound at all..
..It is the sound of you still
standing there.❤
Its on.
..And so it begins
https://youtu.be/SPoI-jytOT0
.
I can see now that this could be aptly construed
as a love-note to my mother
Welcome to my world as a little boy.
I am no longer that little boy.. sweet beautiful, fragmented Angel.
Subjectivity and gaslighting either breaks us
or over time, and with help from the outside
..makes us strong AF.
God bless (curse) the child who can finally see.
xoxoxo
