i once met a caterpillar
she was quite pretty

i remember

she would smile
and sing
and love
and cry
and mourn
and fear
and hide

outstanding, i thought
now, even baffled
watching her
cocoon

silk is costly
and she lacked
expenses

but she
continued

and continued
and continued
and continued

until

the
cocoon
stopped

it was rare
but the caterpillar could feel
a metamorphosis
approaching

so she closed all the blinds
tacked curtains’ edges
settled in her corner
swallowed by her covers
relished in the darkness

and got on her laptop

You people never took me seriously
For you, I was just a problem child
Who needed to be molded
According to your whims and fancies
You never saw me as an individual
Who has his own thoughts, feelings and emotions
My opinions never mattered to you
You wanted me to improve my verbal communication
As well as my body language
But you never even tried to understand me properly
It never occurred to you
That there is a reason why I am different
Or even if it did, you never truly cared
What bothered me the most, though
Was the fact
That you believed you were acting in my best interests
Of course, it was my mistake
Not to leave this accursed country
While I had the chance
And seek my fortunes elsewhere
A mistake I may probably regret
For the rest of my life
Anyway, as Arabella Figg once said
"There's no good crying over spilt potion"
I was a fool to listen to you
But I have progressed in life
Far more than you would've expected me
And not because of you
But in spite of you
Well, I would love to meet you one of these days
And prove to you
That verbal communication is overrated
Just like you yourselves are
We autistic people can do equally well, if not better
As compared to you neurotypicals
Who are obsessed with correcting others
Well, please look into the mirror
And just leave us alone
Worse than an enemy, is an NT with a saviour complex
Well, we can see right through you
You may think you are being kind and empathetic
However, in reality, you are just a bunch of condescending wankers
Who believe they are always right
Well, there is nothing wrong in having your own views
Just try not to force them down our throats
I will end on this note
Autistic people are human beings too
It is time you learned to appreciate that

if you want to find me
I am slightly left of centre
at the back, a different colour
more drab, grey even
quite unnoticeable
an extra in a street scene
there to make the numbers up
a voice in a choir drowned out
by those around me
probably mouthing the words
half remembered
a shadow on a sunlit street
where everyone is having
a good time, or on the beach
sitting staring out to sea
no small talk, not even hello

my mind is shooting
gathering experience
like tracer fire
target secured

From a young age I tried to fit in,
Observing those around me from where i was sitting.
Taking in their smiles, jokes and body language,
Learning this social code which they use to their advantage.
My manual is not the same,written entirely for me but I have not read it properly.
Navigating a world where I copy to survive,
Forver wondering if I sustain this will I learn to thrive?
I have become a result of continuous masking,
In social situations I feel like I am drowning.
Living in a world which does not feel for me,all I can do is write about my isolation in poetry.

I am one of those guys
Who are reticent at first
But open up, as you get to know them
And once you've loosened my tongue
There's no stopping me
As I will go on and on
Till you die of boredom
Jokes apart, I am autistic
Which means that I may struggle
When it comes to social interaction
And can often be absent-minded
However, on the brighter side
My long-term memory is really good
And autism doesn't impact my work in the slightest
I am a good listener too
You can trust me with secrets
And I'll take them to the grave
Without a second thought
You may mock me as much as you like
But lay a finger on my close friends
And I will send you back to your maker!!
On that warning note
It's time for me to wrap up this little monologue
However, if you've attended job interviews
You would know that they usually begin like this
"Tell me about yourself"
Well, if you want a suitable answer
Then use this poem of mine as a reference
Just joking, don't even think of doing that!!

The last 5 years feel like a numb, confusing blur.
Like I laid myself to sleep for a while.
Like I needed to be dead to the world.

Then one day I suddenly awoke to a longing in my chest.
A feeling I couldn't fight.
A quickening of my breath.

The outside world shone through the cracks and my legs guided me straight outside.
Fresh socks on the grass of spring's early morning dew.
As it soaked through to my feet, I felt alive again.

But who am I now?
And who the hell do I want to be?
What just happened?
And what am I doing here?

I keep blinking to wake up but I'm finally awake.
It feels like I've forgotten everything, I'm trying to remember who I am again.

I've been playing Eurotruck Simulator for 2 days straight.

Mindless driving through virtual country roads.
I've jack-knifed my truck and need to pay the service toll.
Have to deliver this big bag of seed to Hamburg but I'm stuck in the middle of the road.
The traffics piling up and everyone's honking their horns.
This is way too much pressure.

“Don't Worry Baby” By the Beach Boy's plays softly in the background.
But in fact I'm very much worried.
Whether in my online trucking game or the real world it just never seizes.

All I asked for is a day where I'm not incapacitated by my own thoughts.
They're useless, nonsensical pesters that make everything go wrong.

Stupid worry gremlins with bells on their ankles.
The harder you try to ignore them, the louder they love to play.
Until your mind is an orchestra of gremlins beating their feet into your brain.  
It's impossible to get anything done when they're dancing away.

What matters is I'm still trying my best.
I'm leaving the house again, changing my old routines.
I even went out past 7pm.
What a real rebel I'm becoming.

Breaking old boundaries takes time but false 'safety' doesn't serve me anymore.
I sat in the pub last week and finally felt 24.
Maybe I'm a little behind compared to everyone else.
But I managed to save my jack-knifed truck and ship the seed to Hamburg, everyone has their own strengths..
Jack of all trades.
Master of none.
But in Eurotruck Simulator I'm No1.

From the first breath
I ever took

I watched my mother
give the
saddest look

It was that day
I found my fear
It went
through me
with every tear

As I grew
I came
to learn
I saw this world
for its wicked turn

Amongst a crowd
I tried to fit in
behaving shy
they screamed
and shout

Preferred the dark
hidden from light
I got taught
to live in doubt

From every hour
I had to fight
there was a heart
I held so dearly tight

You all may think
That autism isn't a big deal
Am I right?
Well, when everything goes your way
You are "normal"
Just like everyone else
But the moment things start to go south
As my therapist would say
The brain chemicals would kick in
And you would be trapped in your own world
Fighting the madness
That threatens to surround you from all sides
In the form of a cacophony of loud noises
Different people shouting different instructions
One phone call after the other
Being assigned multiple tasks at once
The list is endless
Of course, the solution is simple
You just need to embrace your autism, don't you?
True, but it is easier said than done
Especially when you tend to forget things
At the worst possible time
Misread a number of social cues
Fail to detect sarcasm
Say the wrong thing at the wrong time
Crack under the slightest signs of pressure
And last but not the least
End up with labels such as "******" and "absent-minded"
Now, do you finally understand
Why autism is indeed a big deal for me?