they say that if you drink
enough water you will be healthy
i say that if you shed enough tears
you ll be finally happy.

I tell myself I lie awake at night because I like the peacefulness,
It’s quiet and I like the silence.
No one can bother me,
I can do what I like.

It’s far from peaceful, the silence unwelcome.
Along with it comes the thoughts.
No one has checked on me in days.
Maybe I’ll do what I crave.

i'm very afraid
of death

and i don't
particularly
want to drown

but when you look at me
with those eyes...

perhaps i can make
an exception.

I'm sick
and tired
of this downward spiral

I'm lost
and helpless
why am I so broken

I reach
you smile
but you never fix my broken pieces

Do you...
even see me?

You've seen me at my worst...
Did you already forget
the talk we had
where I promised to put the razor down?

You never cast a second glance
but I never...
Never stopped looking for a way out.

When I was 12
I was hiking with my family, we sat on the edge of a cliff at the top of a mountain,
we were over looking the painted landscape

I remember looking at our feet in the empty air
and I asked my older sister:
“do you ever just want to jump..?”

She nodded and replied with:
“yeah shay.. :) I always wished I could fly too..”

and that is the first time..
that I realized that my head was different.

Because while she was
thinking of jumping to fly..
I was thinking of jumping to die..

and that’s when I started hiding my head lol
followed by a life of hiding self destruction.