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I met myself last night after a long time
I buried my face in my blanket
as tears fell off crushing my heart.
I didn't know what to tell
or just be there for myself.

I kept quiet in tender stillness at night
I went across my heart & mind
and asked them how they are?
I know you all are exhausted
but still be with me.
I know its hard, but still
don't leave me apart.

I had a long conversation with each territory within me
longing through all the episodes of my life with me.
I know you all never make a fuss over my each day's agony.
I know its been 12 years long
to keep me alive
and trust me I am trying hard to keep you all up too.

I know you all need to repose
and make your way towards a little more pleasures in life.
Trust me I will yield all of that for you all
As I have only you all within me
so I will caress you all
caving in with love with all of me
mended in smiling pieces of you all with me.
I was with me last night for hours long and things have settled
Saturated in steely blue clutches, sweating from the 75 degree Georgia night
strung up and washed out with a serpent woman that keeps bringing on the blight
Singing you a song of bliss and blinders.

A big brick red boot on your neck and a green collar that reads The Gardens *****
The Garden takes the taxes tightens up the lead and never relaxes
Hit ya where ya like, the pain is disguised, leather tastes like candy, The Gardens got ya hypnotized.
Your late night camping sight attracts the moon light parasite, that acolyte of appetite, Tonight your the Gardens Delight

You wanna run but she's got those hooks between your shoulder blades feeling like an inexorable **** of silk, smoke and skin.
She gives you every thing you need,
Fountain heads of intemperance and black out nights
Whole streets smelling like grease and charcoal charbroils
Men and women of dexterous lechery, feverous severance, and generous deference
Crystals for your cranium, high altitude dives and the lowest lows.
A cacophony of any entertainment you might want or need, just as long as its seedy.

The Garden keeps blinders on your head to make sure you can't see anything she doesn't want you to.
Try to remove em and the punishment is usually severe.
She might give you the greatest loves you've ever known and turn em to photographs, blot em with LSD and trip you out on memories.
And when you come back to what you think reality is she'll take those photographs and burn em up right in your face and leave you asking if any of it really happened while feeling like it was the realest thing that ever has.
She'll break you and build you up, build you up and break you worse. A cycle of bad things feeling real good.

The Garden will do everything in her power to keep you right here.

But if you can get all those straps and tight leather off, all those hooks and chains.. If you can escape her steely blue clutches,,

You'll finally see how wrong you've been done, and your still gonna want her back in some strange way..
but you might start to heal....
But know this.
No matter where you might run off to,
You'll still be hearing The Garden City call.
That siren song of bliss and blinders.
**** this city.
I'm paid to paste this smile on my face
Though it's rarely ever there
Because money doesn't motivate the clinically depressed
As much as we all would like it to

No, I won't make it easy on you
It sure is hell isn't easy on me
Driving through town with my music loud
And a pain so heavy I can barely breathe
Trying to drown out the hurt in endless caffeine
That only makes my heart race faster
And my breath more shallow

And most nights it seems I'm fading
Into the hell that is this life
Because I feel almost nothing
Except the shame and guilt that comes with existing

And my counselor says that
dissociation occurs most
with having done something awful
But how can I explain that
Simply living my life
Feels like an awful thing
And my heart tells me that
Death is my destiny
(November 2016)


It’s okay to cry
Don’t let your mother's poisonous words sting like bug bites
She’s only upset with herself.

It’s okay to scream
Don’t let anyone tell you your excitement annoying
They’re only jealous they don’t have the freedom to express themselves like you.

It’s okay to dream
Don’t let your teacher’s laughter bruise your heart
She only wishes she had your imagination.

It’s okay to be the odd one out
Don’t let the exclusion isolate your soul
It isn’t your fault that you aren’t like them

It’s okay to ask why
Don’t let the exasperated sighs stop you from seeking answers
You can’t be Sherlock until you get to the bottom, after all

It’s okay to forget
Don’t let his vile voice find its way into your rib cage
He was the one who chose to leave

It’s okay to live
Don’t let your learned helplessness persist
You are so young and you have so much to strive for.

So go after it.
Into pavement
Like glass smashing
Onto pavement
Like glass crashing
The pull to the chest
Of the heart breaking
Like a crystal tornado
Wrapped up in its veins
Tearing it out
With each swirl of the winds
That carried you off
At the begins.
Onto the ground
Curled to a ball
To contain the storm
That lashed out of bounds.
Heels to ***
Elbows to knees
The smaller the target
The less there will be
Of crystal tornado shards
Destroying the soul.
He sends a peace sign emoji
and that's cool

I tool around
the underground
Morning dreaming
of manipulating
what seem to be
good hearted girls
on their way to school

After classes
we'd walk around her campus
I'd be holding
to keep the good times rolling
Just to keep the good times rolling
My life starts buckling and folding
I feel the good times rolling
But where is she going?
Where is she going?

I send him a peace sign emoji
He says to himself
"What a cool guy."
 Mar 2017 strawberry fields
nivek
your mystery is the truth
very little of you is on show

deeper than any fathomed depth
you keep on going

so far reaching is yourself
no one could claim to know all

where the knowledge of you stops
eternity begins
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