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buried among
other favorites
you sing to me
about the girl
I used to be
beautiful
yet
reckless
oblivious
preoccupied with
my own
pain or gain
so naive

I dreamed then
I was naked
I dream now
I'm behind the
steering wheel
but the car's
driving me
out of control
out to sea

I hear your voice
and I want you
to come over
and wrap your
arms around me
I've grown older now
I'd never let you down

but then, too soon
the music changes
**** ******* jagger
reminds me
I've already
found what
I need

but instead of
being comforting
the choir, that chorus
it mocks me
and
it taunts me

maybe I will blow
a 50-amp fuse
I'm tired of
the self-abuse

I already have
what I need
but I think
you're what
I want

you're what
I feel
but it's
not real
written 3/22/17
wake, my love
fear not for it is I
to be with mine entwined passion
on earth in heaven
let us pose
in this brief instant
on the pedestal
of Eden's gate and peer
into creation
forever and ever
the pearlescence
the shimmering future
a hand held a gaze
a passion unlike any
ever made
for such a day
I fight the clouds  the skies black
away
I mount the steed white chase all evil
from our bounty
our pure love
like crystals flowing from the tallest mount
our destiny our creed
I cry
out loud!
How much would Hemingway and Raymond Carver,
Bukowski
and Oscar Wilde
scoff at my sobriety?
"You gave in and gave up, at 28?"
The words I'd then write
for these old dead white guys
about wanting to get better
about trying to be sober
about working a program
C'mon man...

In my defense
they didn't have Oxy cottin
or Xanax
But
they also didn't have central air
or auto-correct

So for my old, white,
dead drunken heroes
Who most likely
wouldn't like me
I'll hold my white privilege close
to my heart
At my core I'll be angry with
women
I won't look to jesus
to beg for forgiveness
Most importantly
I'll hold onto the truth
that statistically
I'll end up drinking
myself to death
at 50
though my demons
no longer live in me,
they still live with me,
and I'm sure of that
because they always remind me
that they come along for
the drive to work; they are there
to feed themselves in front of me
when they make me too sick
to eat when I'm hungry,
and they still jump from my bed
and around the walls,
making so much noise
when they know that,
all I want to do,
is ******* sleep.
such fast moving clouds
as if fleeing my craven
need to poke a stop
Beer, you said
Was all you ever had
Affair, you said
Was all you ever needed
Waste, you said
Was all you ever felt
Abuse, you said
Was all you ever wanted
Family, you said
Was such a waste
Reality, you said
Was just an illusion
Daughter, you told
Was such a disappointment
Son, you told
Was nothing that mattered

And yet you beg for us to forgive
These statements you made
The actions and consequences you caused
And this turmoil you've created in our heads

Thank you mother
For showing me that even heros can become villains
For giving me the truth of the world
That everything will change
And it could wreck you whole

You gave me the biggest lesson in life
That no matter the circumstances
You have the right to fight against
The right to take matters into your own hands
To do the best you can for you
Sounds a little selfish,
And trust me it is,
But its the right amount of sin
That makes the world spin

Pain, I say
Is what I have known
Love, I say
Is hard to let got
Family, I say
Is a hard thing to leave
Life, I say
Is never easy

Moving on, I say
Is a fight worth taking
I don't know how to feel about this
she knows. I'm sure she knows.

every day of the week,
I'm there for her, so to speak.
my order consistent, my appearance reliably persistent.
her compatriots behind the counter
even made up a name for me and my order!

"senor dos cubanos, por favor,"

i wait till she is free, always, before ordering.
they all sly smile at the foolish old man,
who requires only a certain young lady from Cuba,
to make his daily shots, just so, so fussy he.

please! no sugar needed,
her demure mouth,
sweet plenty.  

they know.  i'm sure they all know.

the olive complexion,
the hair pulled back so tight,
beneath a ridiculous uniform hat,
the slender frame radiating pride
all of which she wears so well,  
with a modest hint of self made pride.  

working her way up in America.

two coffees, extra milk, in a plastic bag
to travel with me, back to my imprisoning day desk.

she hands me the bag oh so carefully.
our fingers touch.  our fingers much touch,
with the oft, quick but sensitive precision
of a baton passing
in an Olympic relay race.  
she smiles.  always.  

it's ridiculous.   i'm ridiculous.  who cares.  
that one contactual second is a gift,
the thrill is not gone.*

and that is why he writes
only love poetry
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