Finding out who I am
is like searching
seeing,
hiding my eyes.
Never opening,
my soul.
Trying,
Needing someone
to save me.
And knowing,
finding,
that only I can.

Photographs are blurring.
The air in here is stirring.
The doors become alluring.
Sitting in solemn silence.

My pulse is ever fading.
The walls are now degrading.
In memories, I'm wading.
Walking in solemn silence.

I see them all speaking.
I see her mother shrieking.
I see their eyes are leaking.
Standing in solemn silence.

A rose. A path. A smile.
The only, for awhile.
Two steps could be a mile.
Looking in solemn silence.

Nineteen years was brief.
I wish I caught the thief.
In her veins, it found relief
In solemn silence.

I claim to have empathy
But I also know I'm lacking.
I chuckled when you said
You'd marry him
You're in high school, sweetie
And when it didn't work out
I wasn't at all surprised.
When you ******* about your life
My mind was on mine
When you made every small problem
Bigger than it needed to be
My thoughts immediately said
"It could've been worse"
But my mouth didn't dare.
And then you have the gaul to tell me
That I'm being pessimistic and whiney
After all the times I bit my tongue
In front of you?
Sorry honey,
But I can falsify empathy for you.
If it's sympathy you want
Go look elsewhere.

as I laid down, late at night
as the tears started
to flow right from my eyes
I remembered what it was like
when you would be by my side
I remembered what it was like
when you would wipe my tears away
and you'd say,
" baby, don't you cry,
    beautiful girls
       aren't allowed  to cry."
but I never listened
because I'm. not. beautiful.
so you weren't talking to me,
obviously.
and you were the reason why
I was crying anyway..
you don't know what it's like
to have your heart broken
into a million pieces
over and over again
until eventually
you feel like a corpse
in the world.
you feel like you don't
belong anywhere anymore.
you don't know what it's like
to feel as though
you've finally met the one
who'll stay by your side forever.
you don't know what it's like to think
that this person
who has entered your life
will bring the final puzzle piece
and put you back together.
but it'll take a while until you realize
that that person,
had a counterfeit.
the piece didn't fit perfectly
it was only an illusion
to fool you and it worked.
but you don't know
how that feels, do you?
well, I do
because that's all you've done to me.
I thought you were the one.
I thought I wouldn't have to
search for another guy.
but it seems as if
there might be no chance
of love for me.
or maybe I'm just too impatient
but how much longer
should I wait?
I've been waiting for what feels like
forever and I'm sick -
I'm sick and tired of waiting now.
I might as well give up
because I don't think
I'll ever truly get over you.
congratulations,
you've left your mark on me.
thank you,
for scarring me,
for life.

[June 2, 2014]