I’m twelve
and you’re in
the living room
gasping.

I thought the
coffee ***
was percolating
but it was just your
last breath
death rattle
reverberating.

Your damage
wasn’t deleted
by the coroner’s
gurney leaving.

It bubbles up
in flashes
rapid fire
and
seething.

Dripping from
your body bag
retreating.

Echoing down
every hall
leading
toward a
semblance of
healing.

The finality
of your
lungs
evacuating.

Eroding
into the
beginning
of my digging.

Twenty-seven
years later
still
excavating.

Memory
a delicate
figurine.

Tumbling
into nothing.

The radio screeched
With impending doom
So we grabbed what we could
And bolted out of the room

Midnight rain
Like knives
Across my cheek became
As we race into the night
With a prayer and a
Plastic flashlight

A few hundred yards
And we’re at the edge
Of the ravine
Against my round belly
My wet clothes cling
Even in this moment
I feel dis…
Gusting wind pushing me
Hard into the ground
Mud in my teeth
Pulled back to my feet
By the leash of a hound

My mother’s hand
Guides me
Down a steep
Wooded ridge where
We grasp onto a tree
Knee-deep in water
With debris-riddled hair

She wants to protect me
But I’m mad at the world
This storm ain’t got **** on me
Eyes closed
Knuckles curled

I just want to exist
So I wrap my
Fists  around
The throat of God
Call me an exorcist!

A thunderclap
Like a holy slap
Awakens me
From my rage
But my anger is righteous
And will not be assuaged
.
.
Silence for a moment, then
.
.
The air becomes strange
Wet and hot
I feel the chemicals change
In the atmosphere
And within my frame

Fingers of lightning
Pull me into the sky
I spit the mud from my mouth
With a glint in my eye

I’m above the tree line now
And I have no master
Crossing state lines
I am a natural disaster

Every attempt to contain me
Is laid to waste
Every missile fired through me
I consume in haste
Your fear is palpable
My tongue savors the taste

I
Am
The
Tornado
Ignore the warning
On the radio

Because there is
No shelter
My monsoon
Is at your gate
I will tear into your
Palaces of hate
The bones of your disgrace
Broken up like kindling
In my roaring fireplace

Death called your name, you said
Not from the periphery
But right here
Right now
And it requires bloodshed

Eyes glazing over
The tracks before you
Dreaming of being
Splayed
For the length of a mile

I laugh nervously
When you tell me
Because it was me
Your son
Who handed you the phone
“For death, press 1”

You’re at the crossing now
From the pedal
Your foot lifts
The train’s horn
Bellowing
As into its path
You drift

The brakeman screams
As your body disjoints
Your shame for me reduced
To scarlet exclamation points

A nearby sparrow
Witnesses the scene
“Sad”, she thinks
Hatchlings cozy
Underneath her wing

It’s a bit cruel
To pile your ****
On my shoulders
As if I were a mule

And it’s a bit wicked
To claim my
Unchangeable
Existence
As sin committed  

The enigma of stigma
Is yours to explore
I slide you a key
I’ll be right here
On the other side of the door

A mouse creeps
Across the threshold
Seeing both sides
“Too bad”, he thinks
As he scurries by

You named me Christopher
After a boy killed
By a train
And now you say I’m to blame
Like an unfortunate stain
On the hem
Of our family’s pain

The truth is
I couldn’t keep living a lie
And I’m sorry, dad
I’m the reason you want to die

We met in kindergarten
Miss Wolfe’s class
Into an ear I whisper
A shy boy’s bargain

I knock on your door
Pray the dog
Doesn’t **** me
Seems like a metaphor

Laughter and chasing geese
Stealing glances
And prances in the woods
Sprained ankles in the creek

Your moon-drenched family room
And our primal need
Bodies glide
Into foreign feelings
I concede

We’re both shaving now
Not children
Yet not men
In between and fooling around

In my attic bedroom
Space Jam soundtrack
Hoping my mom doesn’t hear us
My hands on your back

Then moving down
Committing little sins
Shhhhhh
Don’t make a sound

Then the bed of my dad’s truck
Some hand stuff
Never a ****
Never enough

You get up and leave
I want you to stay
I play the radio
97 ZOK

Meredith Brooks
And I hate the world today
Because I’m a *****
But I like me this way

Fifteen and fevered
Down Mix Street
I rollerblade
Turn right on Worth
My love for you
Is such a sad parade

Remember when
We camped on the lawn
Quiet light and secrets
Then that wicked dawn

Dragging us back
Into a world
Where our desires
Don’t belong

We are strangers now
With a little bit of everything
All rolled into memory
Like a sacred vow

I’m your hell
I’m your dream
Do you remember anything?

I recall it all
Your tousled hair
And my forbidden grin
I think you live in Wisconsin

After years pass
there are
                    fragments
of memory
that scab up

The coagulation
Transmorphs
Into a siren
Luring me

To pick them open
like a lock
Just to call them
                    home
once more

The way he held me
How his eyes sparked
When met with mine

My god it threw me
Into a hope
Consuming

But hope is tricky
And slippery
And devouring reason
Committing treason
For a season

Then returning
In the yearning
Of the glance
From a new boy
From a new romance

****.

Phases of the moon
Of the heart
A slivering slice of a crescent
The
Oh dear god
HOPE
Of a new start

LOL.

Just kidding
This new moon
And this new thing
Can’t be seen
In the dark of night
In my limited sight
Black-on-black
It’s all just the same ****
Right?

No way, baby!
Call it a maybe!
Call it a feather
In your hat
On your wing
Just fly into the horizon
Of the hope
Of this new thing

Until the arrow
Of the truth
Enters the marrow
Of your VIP booth
This is not cool
This is ruth…
Listen to me
You idiot
You fool

Remember boy one
Who held you
And flew too close to the sun
He burned you to ash
Then said “goodbye forever
I’m done”
Well, **** me up
That was fun

Then boy two
Who shoved you
Into the abyss
Wait...I’d be remiss
Not to mention
All of that ****** tension
Simmering
Steaming
Boiling
And Gleaming

Like the rays of the moon
Is she full yet?
Nah, it’s too soon
She’s still hiding
In the newness
Of nothing
Of black-on-black
Call me out
I lack a back
Bone to hold up
Any more hope

It’s all rotting now
In bed all day
Jotting down
Memories as if they will save me

Wow.


Okay.
Less saving
Instead
Evaporate me
Into the ether
Into the sun
Into the moon
The end seems far away
So I’ll just bide time
In my cocoon

Dreaming of the day
When she will bloom
Into her fullness
Picturesque
Over the crescent
Of a dune

To be knelt in a shower
Watching crimson mix with water
Some good ol’ fashioned
Pain drain

Bloodletting
How delicious

What is it about a cleansing ritual
That brings
Soot to surface

It’s scar tissue
Meets fresh wounds
Amidst the carnage
A kernel of truth

Cartography
How scrumptious

What is it about toweling off
That removes
Less than we thought

It’s whispered words
Meets silent screams
All this chaos
What does it mean

Decryption
How cathartic

What is it about slipping into jeans
That tucks away the secrets
Folds up the mental maps
Slurps the blood from the floor
And masks us up
For the world to adore

///

“How was your weekend?”

(wait, what’s my line?)

Plasma
A flushed cheek
“Oh…it was fine”
smiles

Merely existing
How divine

///