I try to feel
but when I do
I get hurt
so I try not to

But what if

What if one day
I find it
That one thing
We all think we have
because we all want it so bad

What if I find
true happiness.
Is it real?

Yes. I've thought of it.
Even dreamt of it.
And eventually attempted.

But no matter how deep
in **** I am
I know that this ****
was made for me
by me
and to be conquered
only by me.

I'm special that way.

Maybe I'd **** myself later
or tonight
or tomorrow
maybe even next week
or a month from now
or even a year.

But then that would mean
that all the ****
that I did
to start again
would be wasted.

So no,
I'm tired of running.
from this sick life,
and the stupid lemons it keeps throwing

Where the hell does it even get the lemons.

Whenever I ***** up,
I'd try to fix it.

And when it's all good,
I ***** it up again.

Because I'm never satisfied,
with myself and my work.

So I ruin it,
to start again.

I do ****.
I get ****.
and I know I deserve it.
But you'd always.
ALWAYS.

see me complaining,
shouting,
and eventually,
laughing at myself.

Because all of it is pointless.

I'd say I tried.
But then I'd be lying.

Sometimes I'm good.
Sometimes I'm bad.

It depends on how much energy.
I'd want to spend.

To try.
To not try.
To ***** up.

And to not ***** up.

It's not hormones.
I'm not bipolar.
It's not just depression.

Everyday. I struggle.
I see a lot of them cut.
I see them die.
I see them go crazy.

Some survive.
Some find someone. or something.
To hold them down to Earth.
Keep them wanting to fight.
Keep them wanting to live.

I never did.