This moment was never mine
But somehow I found the arrogance to hold onto it
To fear it, to fight it, to somehow decide if it was wrong or if it was right
or if I was even alive inside it, and if I would survive it
To see the next one roll around and drown whatever fragile solace I found.

But before the answer finds me, the next moment and I meet.
And this one isn’t too keen to let me believe it’d be okay to just breathe
Without thinking about the million little reasons I'm too scared to leave

So I’ll stay
And I’ll huff and I'll puff
But no amount of breath will ever be enough
To satisfy the divide between my lungs and my mind

Whatever moment is next to be, but I guess it’s not meant to be
Because I never find the next moment, it always finds me

But there doesn’t seem to be any peace in this fresh start
Only faster thumps from my restless heart
Telling my fingers and knees to shake so violently,
The pillars of sand beneath my feet dissolve back into the sea
And leave me bobbing for air like it isn’t free

And then a new moment hangs its noose around me
and tightens an iron grip around my throat
taunting “think fast kid, dead bodies don’t float”
But I can’t let go, so I just sit there and watch myself choke

And just when the oxygen no longer comes
A new moment claws its way down to the pit of my lungs
Digging up an old ladder with a new set of rungs

I’m still alive, right?
The wires are crossed, but they’re still clicking, the gears are still spinning, clock hands still ticking,
So why am I so incapable of winning?

Which moment am I living in?
Or maybe there’s not much difference between now and then

But before my mind and I can make amends
A new moment interrupts and begins it all again

Send help, dear friend.

All I ever wanted was to be certain
Of a love they say should come naturally
As a child I grew believing
You had no love for me
And here I am now, still uncertain
Of what I am to believe

You are still in my dreams
Your love is all I wanted for so long
But what I received is nothing like it
You sent it many times in a message
Telling me you love me, your sorry, and that you have so many regrets

But I want you to know,
I never felt it

Years have gone by
And here I am
18 years old and still wishing for your hand
Something I never truly held
But that would take some kind of miracle,
I know

I promise that no matter what I have ever said
I have always loved you
It's just that his emptiness inside me
Has made me so angry for so long

I may have acted differently
And even if you weren't here to see
I didn't always speak the truth
Most of the time it just hurt too bad

Because I was stupid enough to believe
That maybe you would still come back for me

I no longer expect that

It has been a while since I have spoken of you
Expressing the feelings I have learned to suppress over time
But you still constantly cross my mind
So often I can still feel my heart crush

Maybe one day I'll see you again
How stupid does that sound?

I hope to someday cross your mind long enough
That you'll find this mystical love inside your heart
And you'll come running to find me
Because I think I'm too afraid to come find you

I still miss you, and no matter how much your memory fades
Your voice is still my image of an angel.

Sliding across the hall in our socks
As if nothing would ever be wrong
Picking up static
As we carelessly ran along
Turning the corner laughing,
I caught a glimpse of you
But I didn't know how to stop
Out of control I tried to grip the wall
As I watched your last foot disappear in the distance
You ran an entire lap
Before I could even reach the the place
Where you had left me behind
You caught me around the waist and pulled me in
Upon contact I felt a shock
But I ignored as I fell into your eyes
Your lips, your arms, your chest

You were always such a distraction

So much symbolism in those days I was falling in love with you
So many warnings I missed

I replay the moment in my head
he lies she said
but I wouldn't listen

and I turn to wipe the regret
of ever believing you off my shoulders

but it stays

adhering to the glue,
of all the trust I put in you
when I was naive enough,
to place my heart in the risk of love

you swore to me promises laced with gold
which wrapped themselves around my soul

now I feel as those promises turn to ash and dust
falling from all you've crushed
and as the ashes blend in with my blood
They run through my veins,
And bring all this pain

I need my stomach pumped
to clean my self of all the **** you fed me
But even a transfusion
Will never truly cleanse and release me
of all the contamination you spread throughout my body
each time you place your hands on me

each time you kissed me with your burning lips
I believed that the sensation
was some magical creation
but really it was the shaking and the vibration
of all the lies you locked inside
bouncing around your mouth
fighting your deceitful lips, trying to come out

and yet I wondered, why you always kept so quiet
so many words unspoken
so many nights I wondered what it was all about
but you were just being cautious
Making sure the wrong words never came out

they say when you lie enough
your lies become who you are
and they are all you are
you made them your life, your faith, your heartbeat
you made those lies all the love you gave me

No wonder I'm stuck here now
Left with all the bruises
of the **** that I convinced myself would never fade
and the red inside my heart
that I never would have thought would bake
into this black coal
which stands in place of my beating heart
so dark and cold

he's lying she tried to convince me
but i turned to pretend I heard a sound in the distance
or someone calling my name
so I could act as if I didn't hear
and quickly rush away

but

If only I had listened.

I think we're all ****** up in our own way
just trying to make it to the next day
because yesterday has failed us
and we've given up on tomorrow
each day moves further
growing longer it seems
every morning that passes
there is sorrow by the masses
and its days like these where that sorrow grows
and can no longer be ignored
or pushed into a corner
hidden by the shadows
of all that was supposed to protect us

once upon a time

because the sun didn't get the memo
that morning hit and it was supposed to rise
pushing back the darkness to its designated corner
keeping all our demons away

once upon a time is supposed to end in happily ever after
I hate that as a child I believed in such things as that
always set up for failure
from the start I didn't stand a chance

I tried to find my happy
but now I believe I'm just a failure
that doesn't know when to give up
tied to a truck that won't stop driving
ripping the skin from my body
revealing my insides, making me raw
and I'm not yet numb to the pain
you wouldn't believe how long I've been dragged
and that the people driving
are all those I ever loved most
laughing as they watch through their rearview mirrors

no amount of time can save me
no amount of anything could ever help
I'm the piece of hay in a needle stack
trying to take all I lost back
but i never stood a chance in this world
being poked and prodded over and over

everyday its predator and prey
a sick game that shouldn't be played
I thought I stood on the same piece of the pyramid
as those who walk beside me
yet they constantly eat me
cabalistically
tearing me limb from limb

I wake up refreshed
thinking with fear 'here we go again'
trying to survive
but I'll never have a heart cold enough
never have a heart stone enough
to withstand the **** that goes on

all I ever wanted is happiness
and a true love to make me okay
yet again I find myself thrown astray
used, bruised, and abused
slashes through old scars
slices through an already wounded heart

Maybe I'll just retreat back to the corner
the same place my demons call home
and when the sun finally gets the memo
that it was supposed to rise long ago
I'll follow the shadows wherever they go

In a world of black and white
I am grey
striving for perfection
as I wake up each day
isn't that what they want?
perfect grades
so theres something to flaunt
because the person I am
Just isnt enough
so they label me
but they label me wrong
so I'm expected to be
someone I'm not
yet they still wonder
why kids fall off
the face of the earth
with their heads in the clouds
like some kind of bird
deformed at birth
falling from the sky
because theyre taught they cant fly
glued to the ground
like statues
perfectly sculpted
to do as they're told
robots, with blood in their veins
not zombies
because we still have our brains
they've simply been washed
cleaned out and drained
then rebooted to believe we're all still sane
and whose to blame?
for disrupting the natural flow
all these rules and regulations
just let me be free
there's already order
how much more do we need?
I forgot how to breath
amidst these trees
which are written off
as property
and sent through factories
that make and create
a paper thats green
that rules our lives
in a world of greed
its always want
but what about need?
are people so blind
that they truly believe
cash is the key
in the persuit of happiness
we all reach to achieve

I dig deep
For some hidden hope
To find the strength I've always had
When I was up against the ropes

Because that’s exactly where I’ll be
As I'm running away
To the only dream
That’s kept me mentally sane

I'm finding an escape
From the people around me
And the day to day life
That creates my boundary

I’ll find a place
Where I can hear my own voice
And it won’t be distorted
By the societal noise

I’ll climb each step
Ignoring the blood on my hands
And distance myself
From that which fears what it can’t understand

And now that I'm here
I’ll find what sets me apart
From a white picket fence
And a little green yard

The American dream
Might be a safe aspiration
But what does it become
When it drowns the dreams of its nation?

So I’ll escape into the truth
And leave my chains behind
So they can see what it means
To be truly alive

I’ll sit on a hilltop
And watch the lives they all lead
Working jobs they hate
to buy **** they don’t need

being ordinary
is the addiction they feed
as they smile coldly
and say **** they don’t mean

one morning they’ll wake up
and see the hole in their chest
and realize they made up
all this nonsense

but they’re not bad people
they just never learn
cause on their way to the top
they’d watch the world burn

and instead of trying to extinguish
these self-mutilating fires
they’ll turn their heads
to their frivolous desires

but I’m still searching
for the bigger picture
because maybe if I find it
I can hang it on my refrigerator

So I wont forget
Because I need to remember
As my story settles down
Into the pages of forever

But all I feel
Is my judgment slip away
As black and white
Fade into shades of gray

And all I feel
Is the hypocrisy settle in
As I see myself
Committing the same sins

So I’ll resign to the life
Of a numbing vaccine
And continue trying
to put out my fire with gasoline

I’d positioned myself
Away from it all
But now prepared
For the inevitable fall

My knees start to tremble
My skin feels colder
as the weight of the world
bears down on my shoulders

my front foot slips
and the back one slides
and I fall into the hole
I dug with my pride

and all I see
is the faces I left behind
and suddenly that hope I’m looking for
........
is much harder to find…