My logic may seem confusing
A different state you might catch me
Resting in a place
In a moment then on to the next
Never ending change
Analyzing forever
The main subject are
Everything and Nothing

I have died and lived,
A thousand times,  
Dead hopeless,  
And with hope relived,

For the hope alone,  
Is indeed power,  
That could ****,
Or give us life,  

Let them know that,
He who lived with hope,  
Never died within,  

And tell them that ,
he who lived hopeless,  
Never really lived,  

Why don't you wait and wait and hope ?

©2015 AROODY

She stood there and I approached  her and said :

" You think it's blood that runs through these veins?  No , it's not blood it's your love. "

She smiled with eyes that swam in tears.  
Finally I told her what I wanted to tell for a long long time.  


[ Far in Love ] ( To be published 2016)

©2015 AROODY

people are never just people
they are volcanos and mountains
gardens and skyscrapers-
beauty, that will eventually
lead to destruction.
the thing is-
you can never un-feel something,
or something for someone.
I had hoped some things would
magically vanish in an instance,
but they latched onto my memory
and played hop scotch with my nerves
as my mind ran rapid with paranoia.
I had wished at a young age
someone would love me more
than my father did
and show me more attention
than my mother did.
But see expectations
tie a knot around your hopes
and noose it to the ceiling fan
you watch as they spin
round and round and round
until they break everything
in their path.
See people don't come with a warning,
because we're all not really sure,
what we're actually capable of.

I wish I could formulate-
into poems and stories,
fiction and film
the way your eyes
show the innocence of love
and the vulnerability of trust.
I lost myself when I found you-
in the most extreme way
I found double entendre's
inside your tone of voice
and sibilance in your silence.
But it was never your intent
it was and has always been
my greatest downfall
putting more into others
than I will ever get back in return.
Slowly, I am crawling back to
the skin I used to find comfort in
and the smile I used to hide behind.
You brought me out from underneath
the mask I had spent years painting
beneath my eyelids
and above my cheekbones.
The scars from my old skin have faded,
but the wounds from my mind are still present.
It may take some time
but I will form a new exterior
and it will no longer be just a mask
I will run far from the person
that didn't quite love herself
and I will run into your arms
no more self harm.

at a young age,
most girls took the time
to plan their future wedding
with cakes and flowers
and music that kissed the crowd
and lights that danced the night away.

but me,
I was too busy
wondering why
anyone would want that
in the first place
because where i come from
the only thing that dances
are the shadows
in the corners
i found myself hiding in,
and the only thing that gets kissed
is my father's ***
whenever he was two beers deep
and feeling pretty entitled.

the only future i ever saw for myself
that involved another man
was getting away
from the ones in my life

because where i come from
the bruises and the *****
are far few in between
and love was only shown
by a dollar sign
nagging at my hand
crying take me
this means love
when it only really meant war.

the only thing i ever felt
remotely good at,
was hiding away
in the dark depths
of solitude.
and i made a promise to myself
a long time ago,
i would never lose myself
to gain love the way i saw it
and i would never feel love
the way it was shown to me
and i would never let someone
not hear what i have to say.

i told myself,
that if i ever fell in love
it would never be someone
like me, or my father
or any of the men in my life.
so i fell in love
and fell in love hard
but then just as i felt myself falling,
i slipped on the ground
i was stuck on to
and i reverted to something much simpler,
solitude.

and all those promises i made to myself
got flushed away,
by lack of affirmation
and my fear of abandonment
because i'm not sure what's worse
not being able to formulate how you feel,
or being too scared to feel at all..

I have been taught only
what i was willing to teach myself
and I was too busy
trapped in  dark corners
and tip toeing around circumstance
to teach myself how to feel properly
and my environment was so dark,
i never gave myself a chance to see the light
I have done many things wrong in my life,
and you are not one.
but why do I feel so lost inside myself
like the hands of time
are grasped around my neck
as i choke on every word i wish to say to you
I have become terrified of truth
and obsessed with affirmation
that soon i will lose
the only thing i hold sacred
and thats you.

.... but I don't want to.