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Bad Jokes Inc Jun 2014
I was walking down the street
Had an urge to *****
Saw a ***** dumpster
this looks nicer than the girl I dumped'r

I unzipped my pants
shat on the plants
got nice and hard
and shot off harder than a pornstar.
(**** THAT DIDN'T RHYME)

I have too much time
because all I do is shoot slime
all over the back
of a president who is black.

I like *****
I bang *****
I make them ***
faster than a game of putt putt.
(****** I CANT ******* RHYME)

All of you poetry snobs
are more stupid than calvin and hobbes
You will never be as successful as
Steve Jobs.

End of story. Because I am about to write another ****** poem.
I hate poetry.
Becky Littmann Jul 2014
**** YOU HEAT.....
You cause my *** to get burned by my seat!
Every time my cheeks & the leather meet
Feels like hot coals under my feet
Right through my shoes.....******* too concrete
& that's the sidewalk not even the street
Swimming.... A refreshing treat
With ice cream to eat
Mission keeping cool complete
Adios hot weather I won't be beat
You're so sweet
Thinking you could defeat
....instead you're running away in retreat
Hopefully you don't attempt to repeat
.....risking to become obsolete
& I won't be discrete
Leaving the seasons incomplete
Then spring & fall can finally greet
Erasing summer as quickly as CTL ALT DELETE

.....this Facebook status was a rhyming top of the top elite
& it deserves a retweet
Flowing on a roll like tires on sleet
Or wind through holes in a sheet
If I want a retweet, I better go send out the first tweet
**** this flow is neat
When I finished & read it, I was like "awwww ****, *****, *****"
This started as a Facebook status one day just because I was feeling creative & it was really hot outside. I couldn't stop going though so it became an epic little rhyme.
James Floss Mar 2019
1.  Shoot *****
2. Ski
3. Free-dive
4. Sky-dive
5. Vote Republican
6. Eat raw fish
7. Play naked volleyball
8. Eat haggis
9. Walk on coals
10. Yodel
11. Visit Somalia
12. Jell-O shots
13. Learn Klingon
14. Fish
15. Sell *****-wigs
16. Drink Genesee Creme Ale
17. Run a 5K
18. Pay mortgage
19. Divorce
20. Shoot ******
21. Go to Tupperware party
22. Drink Gatorade
23. Visit Poughkeepsie
24. Tend bar
25. Serve on a ******* trial
26. Eat glass
27. ****
28. Trump rally
29. KKK rally
30. Watch Sally Fields in The Flying Nun
31. Attend a MegaChurch
32. Listen to Death Metal
33. Watch American Dad
34. Moonwalk
35. Eat brussel sprouts
36. Watch Fox News
37. Turn 20
38. Turn 30
39. Turn 40
40. Turn 50
41. Turn 60
42. Turn over in my grave
43. Eat a tern
44. Teach Fall term
45. Terminate a solemn vow
46. Take a vow of silence
47. Disavow core beliefs
48. Operate a snow plow
49. Forget that I do know how
50. Insinuate
51. Dissemble
52. Lie, cheat and/or steal
53. S'Mores
54. Wet my bed
55. **** my thumb
56. **** a duck
57. Watch Little House on the Prairie
58. Rent a yacht
59. Not rescue animals
60. Not neuter pets
61. Not give to Food for People
62. Not appreciate Public Radio
63. Not appreciate Public Television
64. Knot like a Boy Scout
65. Play Parcheesi
66. Pay credit interest
67. Feign interest
68. Pinterest
69. Instagram
70. Eat spam
71. Exam cram
72. Karaoke
73. Jet-ski
74. Snowmobile
75. Pretend what the ******* are going on and on about matters (whoops; that’s number 67)
76. Blame my parents
77. Not take responsibility for my choices
78. Invest in oil futures
79. Renege on promises
80. Waste my time listening to telemarketers
81. Waste my time listening to zealots
82. Waste my time listening to racists
83. Waste your time
84. Waste my time, I hope
85. Not seek truth
86. Not seek answers
87. Not be authentic
88. Not be xenophobic
89. Accept lies
90. March lockstep
91. Buy the latest and greatest
92. Be consumer extraordinaire
93. Not be present
94. Not be conscientious
95. Not be good to my fellow human beings
96. Consume too much
97. Waste too much
98. Boast too much
99. Post too much
100. Not think about consequences
101. Not be me
Jeremy Duff Jul 2014
I'm a vampire girl and you're my meal,
you know that you are.
I'm ******* on your neck,
like it's happy hour at the bar.
Wait, that doesn't make sense,
who drinks alcohol through a straw?
To each their own, just as long
as your quick on the draw.
Gunslinger,
shooting down clouds like *****,
popping pills,
turning fake nerds into mince-meat.
Shepard's pie,
with extra cheese,
thank you very much,
did I forget to say please?
Where are my manners?
You know I adore you,
I'll do that thing with tongue
and you know I'll show you.
Oculi  Nov 2017
The Third Returns
Oculi Nov 2017
It's the return of the gangsta, thanks ta
Them bustas that thinkin' they real trouble
Them ******* that tellin' me I'm but a bubble
I'm the real **** ******* don't point at me
I'm everything you and your buddies wanted to be
It's the return of the real G, ***** *****
I could straight up ****** you without the beat
I'm nothing like any of you think, I'm the danger
All you be seeing in my is just some ******* stranger
Lemme acquaint you with the las thing you'll see before you fall
******* thinking they're cool

They be thinking I'm a ******* busta
All they be seeing is I ain't a hustla
I ain't nothing but doom to you, lil *****
I ain't the one who be seeing the dirt in the ditch

I ain't Brown or André, I ain't no name in this *****
But it's still the return of the gangsta
Out here to kick yo *** back to when you had a masta'

It ain't happenin' again, ain't nothan'
No bebop ****, no big hood thangs
Just realize you outta line
Cause you ain't got a ******' dime
Bite my dolla', *****
A spiritual successor to two songs:
Outkast - The Return of the "G"
Danny Brown ft. Freddie Gibbs - The Return of Danny Brown
So yeah, it's pretty much rap.
Brett Bender  Jun 2014
Dove Song
Brett Bender Jun 2014
Hello I missed you my dove
From your perch up above
I can never reach you
So your feathers turn blue
But they still shine so bright
When I wish you goodnight
But you're so far away
Carry on day by...

Hey is that you on my phone?
I've had too much Patrone
Words they slur I can't think
Why'd you show me this...?

Hey **** that noise get the boys
Lock your load **** your toys
Silhouettes every night
Make them stop with a...

Broken like rides at the fair
My tongue spits out your hair
Portraits move on the wall
Come to life watch your...

Sorry no promise I catch
All the worries you sketch
In the back of your head
1,000 years you'll be...

"Down with my boat" captain wrote
Water rose to his throat
From the window to wall
Ah ***** ***** *******...

Bawl as they crawl to their tomb
In the woods where we spoon
And when I hug your back
We can fly by the moon
we've met before

We took some time off work, to meet for lunch. A flight of stairs down from the sidewalk.  A basement
coffee/book shop with ubiquitous old-Seattle esprit.  Our easy conversation passed hours like minutes.

No, we met first on the sidewalk. I thought it was you because you were standing, waiting, looking at your
phone, wearing a *(why are they all?)
oversized firefighter's jacket.  A man in uniform.

Actually, we met online.  I was curious, checking out the site.  Only one guy caught my interest, you
emailed me first.

But I think we've met before.  When I first saw your eyes, I recognized you from when we were infinite.
I saw the deepest, clearest water and peace, a glimpse of life in love and summer sun.

...


The picture on the cover

4 dates since we met, 9 days on the calendar, each one a surprise.
a coffee date, mt biking, (you rented the best bike for me)
***** shooting (oh, you loved the sight of me with a gun)
visiting your dad discussing books and gardens, then a surprised brother;
God, you knew the best food for dinner tucked into small funky streets.

Then today, a hike. A firehouse lookout at 10,000'- scrambling boulders, a skinny precarious
ladder to the top.  The view is epic, cliffs fours sides, miniaturized trees way down,
sun rays to this warm spot on the wrap-around porch for lunch, tucked out of the wind.
The sandwich you made just right.  You had me at avocado.

Thin air and a delicious little bottle of sake from a wooden box-cup made us giddy,
trying to figure out that Japanese label, some cartoon figure of a victorious mean Samarai?
So we named it Kick-*** Sake, and I took a picture.
Then you asked me to marry you.
And I said yes.

...

She knew

A black plastic nametag with white letters,
slightly off-white and not-so-flat from a trip or two through a bachelor's dryer.
I remove it from the bottom of the washer, lightly ******* the engraving,
and ask what's your middle name, this letter T?

From the kitchen you say, my grandmother named me,
with a private grin.
She might have been kinda drunk.
Walking behind me, your caramel-rich low voice in my ear,
TsuneoKawehiwehiokekuwahiwionouaioku'uhome.
(saying with careful pronunciation)
Tsu-nay-o-Ka-vay-hee-vay-hee-oh-kay-ku-va-hee-vee-­on-oh-vay-ee-o-ku-u-**-may
and I was just sent

No, she wasn't drunk, she knew exactly what she meant.
Kapunawahine, holding her little mo'opuna kane,
sensed your father was restless with rock fever.
He would be moving away to the mainland with you soon, so she says to you,
*This land of water and special rainforest trees of the mountains, Hawaii, is always beloved home.
life nomadic Jan 2013
4 dates since we met, 9 days on the calendar, each one a surprise.
a coffee date, mt biking, (you rented the best bike for me)
***** shooting (oh, you loved the sight of me with a gun)
visiting your dad discussing books and gardens, then a surprised brother;
God, you knew the best food for dinner tucked into small funky streets.

Then today, a hike. A firehouse lookout at 10,000'- scrambling boulders, skinny ladder to the top, 
the view epic, cliffs fours sides, miniaturized trees way down,
sun rays to this warm spot on the wrap-around porch for lunch, tucked out of the wind
The sandwich you made just right.  You had me at avocado.

Thin air and a delicious little bottle of sake from a wooden box-cup made us giddy,
trying to figure out that Japanese label, some cartoon figure of a victorious mean Samarai?
So we named it Kick-*** Sake, and I took a picture.
Then you asked me to marry you.
And I said yes.
.
.
Copyright © 2013 Anna Honda. All Rights Reserved.
kirklefrance  Feb 2013
Untitled
kirklefrance Feb 2013
based on the info collected within the last 2yrs of living amongst humans I have concluded that there exist little loyalty between members of the species,whose natural characteristics even in the most domestic of them all is to be pompous and pretentious.I swear they are grouped with the most deceitful of animals and will break any alliance as long as the reward is in the leas bit beneficial too 1...I hope we never contact aliens cause if they are advanced they would view us as a disease and would eradicate the entire planet(well if i were an alien i would)..humanity as fragile as we are still filled yet with guile and find reasons to do things without known reasons..every other animal on the planet lives for the survival of its species..humans have the highest continued and overall inner species death rate but also claim to have the most common sense or mental perception...we re always thinking always finding..but obviously have missed the mark and cant figure this **** out(life)..due to selfishness greed hatred ... jealousy and envy.i've seen strife caused for thee least imporrtant of matters men killed for petty change,women sell thier bodies for lil cash everyone selling out just to buy a stash of hash get high to high to complete the 100yd dash..we've lost it and it cant be found..love flew out the window now all i see is wolfs around..if i dont get off this planet **** im gone drown..if they dont **** my *** first..inquisition??you wont hear a sound..so i frown upon the phoney the real and the make believe cause all in all humanity is just a ***** stain on my sleeve
Marty Funkhouser Jan 2010
To you I bequeath
a sigh of relief.
So take a seat,
cause I'm about to *****.

— The End —