I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of
but I can't be tied to those forever
so people forgive and forget
I try to forget but still feel bad
and I know there are still sore subjects
that I should be sensitive about.

Scrolling through Reddit I see a post
of Māori students at an airport
greeting their returning teacher
with a traditional Māori war dance
which was an admittedly sweet gesture
but something didn't sit right with me.

I wondered why the students greeting their teacher
had to do so through a display of militaristic nationalism
I wondered if that was the last dance the Moriori people saw
before the Māori genocided them for their resources
I wondered if the Māori danced like that
as they *****, murdered, and cannibalized the Moriori.

Wondering all of this made me ask myself:
Why did they have to greet their teacher like that?
The students wanted to make a big gesture
which dancing is perfect for
but dancing can also be vulnerable and embarrassing
because people may mock how you express yourself

but strangers at the airport are less likely to laugh at you
if you're doing a synchronized dance with a group of people
and the dancing is recognizably tied to national identity
because then it's a culturally rich dance
you're a xenophobe for laughing at
and that's what nationalism is:
strength in numbers and a readymade identity
in lieu of an individual personality
oftentimes for the sake of pistanthrophobia.

So as I read the circlejerking comments on the post
I wondered what the difference is between
a Māori war dance and a **** salute
I guess the Māori people have experienced
more oppression than Nazis
but nationalism is nationalism
and those who have oppressed are oppressors
and many who are oppressed would gladly
be oppressors given the chance.

Nationalism isn't healthy for culture
and often isolates people from other cultures
that are all combining due to globalization
which people fight to preserve their little dances and costumes
so we can stay in eternal conflict over delusions of supremacy
when the only nationality should be a global one.

I have betrayed your trust.
You know.
Yet you say nothing.
The silence in your eyes says it all.
They’re always so animate.
Not today.
They’re blank, shielded, silent.
Do you remember, I told you…
That I hate silence?
It leaves so much unspoken.
It leaves such heavy dents.
Even though…
It weighs nothing.
But its nothingness weighs a lot.
It cuts. It strikes. It burns.
It is cold. Icy.

Remember the years we spent so close?
That was comfortable.
Our silences were warm.
They spoke.
They left nothing unsaid.
They were light. And liquid.
I loved them. They were cosy.
They exuded sincerity.
Animate silences. Expressive silences.

But I've betrayed your trust.
And this silence hangs between us.
It is cold, and it slaps me in the face.
It seeps into my veins.
It reminds me of what I did.
It rebukes me.
It lets me punish myself.
It speaks. Of betrayal. Of lies, of secrecy.
Of things left unsaid.
Of broken promises.
Our shattered trust.
Of blackened tar and burnt coal.
Of stained hands and glassy eyes.
Of smeared dirt and crushed diamonds.
Of torn clothes and broken needles.

It speaks. It is silent.
It speaks. It is trust.
It speaks. It is betrayal.
It speaks. It is sin.
It speaks. It is black.

Your eyes are silent.

The fear of trusting someone.

May I burrow
your subconscious?

Not as worm
but wormhole

Through dark
dense space

To ethereal worlds

Pistanthrophobia,
With the *desire for LOVE,
And it only gets *worse.

i have surpassed my ability to forgive and forget
so i will settle with forgetting
so i do not have to forgive

I hope that everyone
that love me and holds me close
knows when to let go

Abandonment has made him looking for clues,
Fear to love and lose evolved into Pistanthrophobia...

The numbness and hollowness he felt in his aching heart,
Feeling like a dead corpse, going through analgia...

Facing his share of heartbreaks, been easily replaced,
His heart wishes nothing but to suffer from amnesia...

He now sits in the dark corner, battling his inner demons,
Thinking of the spent moments, going through nostalgia...

And  suddenly i forgot about my thantophobia as you promised you will stay till your last day…or maybe because when you lock eyes with me i felt like time has stopped and i can see the profundity/depth of emotions in  your eyes…or maybe still because you were the first person i felt so deeply for and connected to. But more of sudden the way you came so smoothly like a ghost without even breaking my defences, you left by the most dreadful way losing your interest by finding it in another. For months i felt awful, depressed lost somewhere in halcyon but the thought of evil and hurtful things always lead me to tears, yes you broke me.even though i won’t regret my first kiss, yes i still am a hiraeth (homesick for a home you can’t return to, or that never was). Still when i sit alone under the grey sky filled with heavy clouds, listening to sound of winds through trees, every minutiae crosses my mind making me smile and leaving a sweet heartache.

Now  my THANTHOPHOBIA (the phobia of losing someone you love) got  changed into PISTANTHROPHOBIA (the fear of trusting people due to past experiences with relationships gone bad )

-the girl you loved and left.