You hold out a flower to me and show me its intricacies, its petal, its every seam.
Then you ask if I could live with myself if I squished, because you couldn't,  you say
I tell you most days I already don’t live with myself,
I am just waking up and waiting to fall asleep
Or in bed waiting for the morning,
counting the intricacies of the wall.
I tell you that my head already doesn’t live with me, it lives leagues deeper,
much deeper in the petals of my flower.
And when I show you my back with all the seams,
the places where the stem meets the petals, and they stitch together unwillingly.
I tell you, the world has already smashed me,
It seems to have no problem living with it.

Tell me about the worst days

So I show you my ****** hands
and bound legs

I show you the maggots in my skeleton
and the pins in my hands

I show you the patches in my head
and the bumps down my back

You pretend not to notice the decaying nature of me,
pretend not to see my slow acting killer.

and are surprise when I tell you that the maggots java burrowed into my hips

We do not say the word love
it is ice we dare not tread for fear of cracking

We say:
Care, cherish, treasure, admire

To say love would be jump into
The fullness of emotion that lies beneath the ice

I used to let the rich red flowers that sprout every month
dominate my garden
I couldn't- wouldn’t- undergo the embarrassment
of digging shears out of by bag  
And dragging them into the bathroom with me.
I couldn’t bear to leave the clippings in there,
perhaps I wouldn’t.
I wonder who made me ashamed of this red garden.
I wonder why they find it so thorny,
when these are not roses,
but tulips

I swallow my med
like one uses a lifesaver,
with desperation

you are my sunshine,
my only sunshine

the people around me are somber,
the world is gray,
I am lively

you make me happy
when skies are gray

I drop the pill back in the organizer
the first of many to remain in that box

I learn to create my own sunshine

Love is all trust falls and trapeze for some

We put our affection on display in the air
in hopes that people will clap when we catch each other
from the deadly fall below.

I wonder sometimes what happens to the partners that fall

Often partners fall from the slip of a hand
We call it an accident, no one's fault
and sometimes it is

Love could also just be a simple walk through the garden
But perhaps I enjoy the show of trust falls and trapeze
as dangerous as it is

When the out of order is in order
it is a hard feeling to place
The chips are all mixed up inside
But the machine can still dispense

The out of order sign belongs on me
but yet by some mystery
no one has even checked so see if they can get chips