It used to be you
Who'd initiate kisses.

But now it's just me,
Desperately trying
To regain your
Affection.

I talk to myself sometimes.

I'll just be sitting in the car and I'll strike up a conversation with myself.
And sometimes I can be harsh. I just need to stop fighting myself, you know? Because if I'm not on my side then who will be.

I have so much confidence and I'm always so sure of myself. I never bring myself down. But every once in awhile, I'll get to talking to me. And I'll ask myself if everything is alright. And I start to cry you guys. I cry to myself. Because I have to be honest. I have to be honest with myself. Because if I'm not honest with myself then who will be?

"Hey hey, why are you crying?"
'I'm not doing so well.'
"I can see that my dear but what's wrong. You're so very sweet and pretty and kind. You have plenty of friends and wonderful mind. Whatever could make you so sad?"
'Oh my god stop rhyming that's stupid. No one needs that right now.'
"Okay yeah sorry that was dumb. But you stopped crying so that's good."
'Yeah haha I guess so. Man I'm pathetic. Something is just off about me.'
"Again? Why? I thought we were all sure of ourself and confident and stuff."
'Yeah, so did I. What happened? Why am I so unhappy? '
"You miss who you used to be. You need to stop dodging that."
'I know. How did I lose myself. Why did I do that? This isn't me.
Fancy hair and all these clothes. Since when do you care about how you look? I mean, you look great but you're trying way too hard. That's  not like you.'
"Well, none of these things are bad. They're just different. Sometimes different is good."
'I know. And I'm trying to remember that. But it's hard. It was so much easier before. Before I found out more about who I am. Before I realized that there are some things about me that other people may not like.'
"Yeah, you've always wanted to have people like you."
'Stupid right? It shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks right?'
"It shouldn't, but it does. To you. To us. And that's okay. But we can't let it get to us like this. It shouldn't make us cry."
'I know. God why do you have to be the reasonable part of me? I feel so whiny.'
"Sorry."
'It's okay. I just need to be me. If I can find out who I am again. So much has changed. How do I know what's really me?'
"This is you. Who else would write all of this **** down and show it to the world."
'No one I guess. This is pretty stupid.'
"**** right it's stupid. It's really dumb. They probably think you're insane. Talking to yourself is one thing but writing to yourself?"
'Okay I get it stop. You're making me feel bad again.'
"Sorry."
'We gotta get our **** together. What do we do.'
"I don't know. We'll be fine for a few days and all of a sudden we'll be off again. Everyone is worried. And I don't think they're going to stop asking you what's wrong. When you got back from that family trip your sister practically thought you were suicidal. They're worried Christina. And honestly, so am I. We're not like this. And you know what caused this."
'I know.'
"You need to fix it."
'I can't.'
"I know."
'Hey hey, why are you crying?'
"I'm not doing so well."

I can't escape you
In every lustful thought
You're there.

If my mind is wandering
It's headed straight into your arms.

So I can wrap my wrists around your waist.
So I can taste your mouth until I mistake it for my own.
So I can become entirely caught up in you.

I just want to
Escape you
Or
Swallow
You
Whole.

That even if you are having
A rough tough time in life
You are always allowed to have
A good day.

Tuck your hair behind your ear
Turn your cheek to me.
Tilt your chin
Up to the East
Close your eyes
And see.

A necklace for
Your collarbone
I sweep my fingers
Round your neck.
Gentle thoughts
And heavy dreams
I must keep my heart
In check.

Breathless now
I clasp it shut
And lift my eyes
To you.
No breath in my lungs
Gives me room in my mind
To imagine the things
We could do.

I'll push my feelings down
For your sake.
I'll bury them so deep
That I won't feel anything
Anymore.

We're just friends
We're just friends
We're just
Whatever you want us to be.

I'm just playing along
Until I forget those feelings
Buried so deep down
In my heart.

And it's not that you loved me
Despite my imperfections..

It's that you never saw them to begin with.

Life through the light
was lovely
and clean.
Darkness hides
a mess.
***** little things.
Such a stigma
to what lies in
shallow corners.
The desire
the need to bring it
out into the sun.
Let it be.
Let them see.
Shut your eyes.
Welcome the night.
Let it be.

I don't know how to write anymore.
I'm trying to think of what to say in order to get my thoughts across in the way I want them to be known but I just can't do it. I feel like I'm failing. And I don't care anymore if I do fail. Go ahead Christina. Mess things up real good. As if you're not already *******. I'm sure your conservative Christian borderline homophobic family will never find out that you're bisexual. And I'm sure that your friend will never find out that you love her. And your boyfriend won't care that you try to dream of her every night. You'll be just fine after you fail this test in the morning and then go further into debt paying for classes that you don't care about. Don't even worry about money, as if you know what that is. Congratulations on scoring the worst paying job. Yup. You can do this. You can **** at everything. You can mess it all up. You can disappoint the world. At least you can do one thing right. Failing.

Let's make up excuses to love each other.

Falling out of love
Is not always a bad thing.

There
Is nothing
Wrong with me.

I am
Who
I am.

She doesn't feel the same,
He doesn't feel the same,
They never feel the same
Way that I feel.

I stopped by your place once more
You weren't there
But I knew it was
Probably for the best.

Empty walls
Filed away into closed up boxes
Each propped against the other
Holding each other up
Tearing me down.

I opened your door
And a heaviness pooled out.
It seeped out of the cushions
On that couch that we laid on
Together while you
Nuzzled my cheek.

And it wafted from the incense
That you lit when you told me
That you loved me
And you
Offered me a kiss.

That feeling of emptiness
That you once filled with that
Look in your eyes and that
Willingness to hold me
Is now vacant
Once again.

Just like this little basement apartment
That you never meant to call forever
But I thought of you as just that
Within this space.

It's haunting
And heartbreaking
And all life moves in
Slow motion
And I want to be rid of it
And I want to run from here.

But I cannot pick my feet up
As I think of all the memories
All the unyielding
True affection
That came out of me
In this place.

I build up the kind of courage
That it takes to turn my knees around
And catch them just in time
As they fall weak.

And back inside my mind
I'm crying
And I'm mourning
That you're leaving
But on the outside of my body
I'm walking out of here.

And back inside my mind I'm running
And I'm catching up your fingers
As I pull you back into me
And I keep you
Here.
Together.

But on the outside
I'm walking calmly
Back to my car with my possessions
That I came to this empty place
To pick up
Years and moments ago.

And in my mind.
I end up with you.
And never would you leave me.

And in my mind.
We'd always been this way
Together.

And in my mind.
You didn't leave.

I am in love with distraction.

And it's stupid.
Because you shouldn't mean
This much to me.
Not in this way.
It's not right.

It's not like I chose this.
It's not as if I did this
On purpose.

It's just that
You looked at me
With those big blue eyes
And you were so
So close to me.
From that moment on.
Forever since.

I'll love you.
I'll miss you.
Forever.
Alone.

The middle of the night.
In plain sight.

Don't be afraid
To do what
Feels right.

Who do you have to cry to
At 3 o'clock
In the
Morning

My bones are stiff
And my jaw is bolted
Shut
Holding all my
Secrets inside
As I gallivant
My brain
From one heart
To another.

Sew me up.
Shut me down.
Keep me centered.
Take me out.

Sorry
Comes across my lips
So frequently
It's as though
I'm not apologizing for
My actions
But rather
My existence.

"Keep me safe"
I pleaded.

If I'm going to hell for loving you
Then send me down.
Because I'm not backing out.

I cry
Way more than necessary.

And I don't want you to think
That I'm crying to avoid
Confrontation
Or
Discipline
Or
Uncomfortable conversation.

I cry
Because I'm sensitive
And sad.
I'm a bit pathetic
But I'm entirely truthful
In the fact that
I would stop the tears
If I could.

But they just keep flowing out
When I get a little overwhelmed
Or your voice gets a little too loud
Or the days been a little too long.

I'm an ever flowing fountain of
Uncertainty and confusion
Amidst my tears and sniffles.

But please don't feel sorry for me
As my emotions pour down my face.
Don't feel guilty or uncomfortable or sad.

I'll be just fine.
I live with this.
I'll live through this.
I cry.

So I'm
Addicted to
Trying
And
Failing

                            So what

You were all I thought about.
You were all I was.

Now I'm left
With brand new handshakes
And introductions
To this person I've called
"Myself"
For all this time.

Who am I kidding.
You took me with you
When you walked out that door.
No need to get to know someone
Who isn't even there.

And I just can't stop myself
From running all of those
Moments we shared
Through my head.

Playing them over with
Only happy endings and
I'd be with you and
You'd be with me.

Do you feel these words I'm writing?
Do you know they're meant for you?
Have you caught that special feeling in your heart?

Because I have it in my stomach
And it's daily growing stronger
And I don't know how to stop it
Or if I want for it to end.

Perhaps you'll never see this,
And that would be alright.
I can't afford to lose you
To my thoughts.

And never will I jeopardize
This special bond we share
With a little peck here
And a casual flirt there.

I'll leave this bond between us
And I'll let it keep on growing
As you water it with kisses
And you feed it with your smile.

So caring so kind so
UNDERSTANDING
you're just so sweet but
I can't keep standing
up in this mess
that you call
EVER AFTER
stand up
sit up
you're slouching
my dear
smile smile for the
CAMERA
smile smile oh so pretty
to convince all the
clowns and the queen
that you're happy
OH SO HAPPY
so so happy
with your
Failing Kingdom
and your
SELL OUT SHOW
oh so famous
in the tabloids
gossip gossip who is she?
spread that rumor
share that tidbit
give it up
spit it out
TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW
because I'm dying for a fix
because I'm dying over here
I'm just dying
dying
dying
don't mind me
DON'T YOU SUFFER
not on my
behalf
don't you cry
oh no no
please don't cry
anymore
I can't
STAND IT
anymore
I can't
stand up
sit up
I can't smile for the camera
I can't
TAKE IT ANYMORE
I can't stay.
I can't stay.
I can't
STAY.

Sometimes class is really hard
And I don't learn a thing.
At times
I don't
Even want
To see what the day may bring.
I leave the class
And walk a bit.
I try to hide my tears.
But in the end
I'm crying hard,
I cannot stop my fears.
What if I
Can never learn?
What if I am hopeless?
What if like
An old tv,
I'm broken and remote-less?
As though there is
No way to change
My channel
Or
My fate.
I think these thoughts
As I walk to class.
From crying,
I am late.

I've felt a lot of things with you.
Unexplainable emotions.
Unwanted attraction.
Unwavering addiction.
Unnecessary anxiety.

Everything.
Under me.
Under God.
And the Untied States of America.
You leave here to travel.
Move around a little.
I'll wait.
I'll wait.
I'll wait for you.

You leave here
To start a life.
To leave this one behind.
To start fresh
To start new
To start all over again.

Find another me.
Make another you.
You leave here.

I'll just stay.
I'll just wait for you
To remember me.
To realize
That those unyielding emotions
Were my love for you.

That I love you.
That I love you.
THAT I LOVE YOU.
AND YOU'RE LEAVING.
AND THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO DO.
THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO DO.
THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO DO.

But to wait for you.
I'll wait for you.
To leave again.
To love me too.

I'm trying to get away
Get away from my love.
I'm trying to rid my heart
Of you.

But you call my name
And you pull me back in
With your sweet smile
And your cigarette.

We pretend that we don't need them,
That we just have them for show,
But we both know we're dependent.
At least I know that you are.

You pull it to your lips
And I play off my jealousy
For that sip of nicotine
As if I don't wish that
It were me on your mouth.

And I'm trying to get away,
I know you're no good for me.
But your eyes bring me back
And I'm all ******* again.

You just don't get it.
I can't feed this addiction to you
Anymore.
Because it's breaking me down.

You want to read my pages,
But they're riddled with you.
And you want to see my words,
But they're all just your name.

And I need to learn to speak up
For myself.

Could
I

kiss your neck

Until
You
Don't

love me anymore

Scared to hurt you
Scared to commit

Afraid of kindness
and
Caring
and
Compassion.

In search of
love.

A puff of smoke
It lingers in my mind.

Your eyes
You're leaving them behind.

No matter where you go
The smell of cigarette smoke
And those blues
And those specks of green
That you wink at me
Will always stay
Behind.

When you come crashing down
You take everything I need and love
With you.

Please let me be your crutch dear.
Please let me hold you up.
Please don't leave me.

My desire just to hold her.
Tucks her chin into her shoulder.

I can't love you
In the way that I want to

And that kills me.

When I think of you now
It's like I'm thinking of
The image on a picture.
Not really thinking of a person
Just the idea of one.

You were too good to be true
From the start of it all.

I went along with it.
I thought that we were playing
And I thought it was fun
And then my heart had other ideas.

My mind's been confused
For awhile now.
Ever since
I started feeling this way about you.

But it doesn't really matter
What I think
What my mind thinks
Or anything
Because you're gone.

You were never really here.
You were just an idea.
So I guess when I think of a picture,
Just an image,
It really is you.

Am I anyone's
one that got away?

Because you're mine
And if you can't see it
God knows who can.

I can't live with you
I can't write without you
I try not to miss you
But miss everything about you.

Don't you dare talk ill of them.
Not my girl.
Not my guy.
How dare you say those things.
How dare you have those thoughts.
How dare you tell me.

I love them and I will fight for them
Through every little thing.
So you want to tell me they are wrong?
You want to tell me they are bad?
You have the audacity to tell me they are no good?

Who the hell do you think you are.
Don't you ever talk about them that way.
Don't you ever talk about them again.
Unless you're crawling back to them
To apologize at their feet.
Don't you dare.

When casual
Blurs to comfort

I run.

When you find yourself
In someone else.

When you fall in love
In a moment.

That love
May be too much
For you to take.

But that doesn't mean
That she was too much
For you to take.

She wasn't bad.
She wasn't wrong.
She wasn't overwhelming.

She changed a life
That required too much
To change.

And she is
Beautiful
Magical
Wonderful
Perfect
In her soft skin.

She will be
Everything
To someone
Someday.

Let her go.

I am not able
To give you the love
That I know you
Deserve.

I'm addicted to you
And I haven't had a fix of your body
In far too long.

You deserve every flower.

The ones that people worked to create.

And the ones that people had no part in.

Love
Love
Love me.

My dear
My dear.

Please ungrant my wishes
On every star and every candle
Every penny in a fountain
Take them all.
I cannot risk having one of them
Come true.

Eyes closed
Images of you
Float behind my eyelids