i wanted to be okay with everything.
i wanted to be okay with the fact that i outgrew you and how even though i bring myself to tears thinking about Us,
this was for the best.
i want to be okay with the morning sun and the rain,
i wanted to apologize all the times i spent looking at you with tears in my eyes or crying and yelling at you,
for you're here when no one else is
i should love you for that but can't yet.
i've hit rockbottom over and over again,
the fall is starting to hurt less.
i've shook hands with who i used to be,
letting them take over me so many times to the point where if i want to be in control i don't know how.
i don't know who i truly i am and that scares me.
the music made my ears ring and i wanted to disappear again.
i feel like i could fly away at any moment
and now,
i'm not scared if i do.
i swallowed the lump in my throat, hoping to get something out of it.
maybe i would be able to stand back up.
i can't.

i have anxiety
undiagnosed.

sometimes it feels like my head is stuffed with crumpled ***** of paper: the things I never said, the things I should have never said, the things that someone never said to me.

all of these things are written on every piece of paper
there are so many right now that no more would be able to fit
yet i can't stop thinking things, i can't stop saying stupid things, i can't stop wishing things.

i sigh I reach up to my forehead and i grasp my bangs
with my shaky hands and pull

i'm hoping one day when i do this
the top of my head will yank open
all of these crumpled pieces of thoughts
will pour out in a pile
on the floor
i will kneel down
and uncrumple each and every piece
i will read each one
until my head fills up again.

We are the ones who are hard to understand
We'll be the last ones in the movie theatre
because the ending scene made us cry
We'll stop to smell the roses
because they deserve to be appreciated
We are the ones who will take the time
to learn what keeps you up at night
We are the ones who will imagine
an entire future of adventures
with the people who show us love

We are the ones who will love you more
than we love ourselves
We will give you our strongest parts
in hopes that we can make things better
We desire to see you become the best you
to make sure that you always feel our love
We crave affection and appreciation
We give a piece of ourselves away every day
sometimes to people who don't deserve it
Our love is easy to take advantage of
and sometimes we don't get back
the love that we give away

When we hurt, we crumble and fall apart
We constantly have to put ourselves back together
We are more fragile than we like to give off
We carry our emotions on our sleeves
Our flaws have the ability to consume us
We aren't afraid to give you the world
but we are afraid to feel unloved
We want you to see what we see
We want you to understand where we're coming from

We are good people with good intentions
We are stronger than we believe
Not everyone can feel the way we feel
We feel too much, too often
We are not hard to love
We are something not everyone knows how to love
But you need to remember that
your worth does not change just because
no one is there to appreciate you, to remind you

You are not any less lovable
You are the most lovable person in the world
You are a light that the world needs
Your kindness is not your weakness
You do not need to change for anyone's acceptance
You do not need to stop giving love
just because you don't get any back
Your heart is the best thing about you

And one day when you least expect it
someone will notice you from across the room
and know exactly how to love you
They will think all of these things are beautiful
They will deserve the love you can give
They will fill the empty space in your heart
But for now, don't stop feeling
We are the ones who feel everything so deeply
We are the ones who can't give up because
We are the ones who will teach the world
how to love

If you ask me how deep a love should be
Don’t seek an answer quantitatively.
Love’s to be measured qualitatively,
Except that I love you infinitely.

If each love is its own variety,
Which one is the one between you and me?
Is it type one or type one hundred three?
My love for you is love infinity.

If you ask how much love I give to thee
For fear love might exceed capacity,
Man never loves to his ability.
Except me—I love you infinitely.

If you need me to love descriptively,
Each day I love you more infinitely,
I need new numbers mathematically,
For I love you more than infinity.

Breathing is feeling
it can be revealing
if someone is there to listen

Steady .  In .  Calm .
HEAVY  IN  PAIN
r a p i d   i n   p a n i c
never the same

Breathing is living
and I am forgiving my past actions
now fighting to find satisfaction
waiting with bated breath
for what comes next

637

The Child’s faith is new—
Whole—like His Principle—
Wide—like the Sunrise
On fresh Eyes—
Never had a Doubt—
Laughs—at a Scruple—
Believes all sham
But Paradise—

Credits the World—
Deems His Dominion
Broadest of Sovereignties—
And Caesar—mean—
In the Comparison—
Baseless Emperor—
Ruler of Nought—
Yet swaying all—

Grown bye and bye
To hold mistaken
His pretty estimates
Of Prickly Things
He gains the skill
Sorrowful—as certain—
Men—to anticipate
Instead of Kings—

life planted an empty hole
in my chest
and hoped for something
to grow out of it

it stuffed my mind with
crumbled paper
and gave my thoughts
a pen