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Nov 30 · 17
When I Kill Myself
It'll be too late for words
Every and any action
Will fall short of useful
You won't get to know me
See the size of my heart
In subtle actions
With no real benefit
Besides a smile
I don't know how I'll do it
Let alone when
I just know it will happen
When I **** myself
Don't think anything of it
No moment of silence
A prayer whispered
Allow me to be that person
That you never knew
Passed by once or twice
You gave no notice to
Even when he held the door
When I go
You'll be on my mind
Either chased out by lead
Perhaps deprived of oxygen
Even surgically removed
Scalpel never scarring
Everything certainly deleted
With all the viruses
No reboot or reinstallation
When I **** myself
I'll have nothing to say
No note
No apology
No real deadline
I'll be a name
Stamped on stone
Engraved in paper
Beside two dates
No one will ever remember
I'll die just like I lived
Alone praying
I'll find the strength
To hope tomorrow is better
When I **** myself
Leave me to the wind
I'll kiss your cheek
When you need fresh air
I'll be the motion of nature
Waving tree limbs
Just so you're mind can escape
When I **** myself
I'll be there for you
Still trying for a smile
When I **** myself
I'll be taking the parts of me
I gave each of you
When I **** myself
You might realize
I know how little I meant
So if you still want an explanation
I'm just making room
For someone else to grow
Nov 15 · 33
I'm Leaving
I grew tired of asking
What it would be like
When I'm no longer there
Not within range
For you to touch
For you to say hi
For you to hear from
For you to think
You saw me on the freeway
Or able to pick up
When you're broke down
Trying to hold it together
Wanting to get away
I won't be there anymore
Can't run out the door
So don't take it personally
When my feet sway
Parallel to the floor
It wasn't anything you did
It wasn't any reason why
I just felt I had to die
There wasn't anything
I could do to be better
I tried to avoid it
But it haunted me anyway
I was always going
Never knowing where
But I'm leaving
And I know when you learn
I'll be too far for you to stop
So save your tears
Forget all your fears
I'm exactly where I should have been
I'm leaving
Don't worry I'm fine
Nothing anyone could have said
Would make it easier
I just hope you find strength
To carry on through the day
Sorry I couldn't stay
I just had to get away
From the me I was becoming
Always running out the door
Just to find a purpose
That kept my feet on the floor
Now they're parallel to it
As I take my leave
From all the pain
I've gotten familiar with
I grew tired of wearing
My heart on my sleeve
So here's an I love you
Before I hit the road
I'll try to send a postcard
But where I'm going
I doubt has an address
Here's the PS just in case
I'm sorry for going
Now that I'm gone
Don't let a tear leave
I wasn't much of anything
Even though I meant something to you
I just couldn't stand
The fighting in my head
Every 2x4 snapping
As my mind caved in
I couldn't take it anymore
That's why I locked the door
And my feet sway
Parallel to the floor
Herd of voices
Thunderous teeth
Beating eardrums
Orchestra of vocal cords
Choir of inharmonious chatter
Battle of the mind
As the body begins it's rebellion
It's a mutiny
Paranoia creeping
They're all against me
Every voice
Each individual personality
Even those with silver tongues
Whispering sweet lullabies
Simple distractions
To avoid the plot
They conjure in secret
I'm going to die
By our hand
Their wickedness
My fear
I'm schizophrenic
Towards the countless
Multiple personalities
Residing behind temple doors
One flinch
I'll take them all out
Before they take control
I hear the riot
On tips of tongues
I deny exist
Heed my warning
If I don't die physically
I'll die mentally
You'll see a shell
Of someone other than me
Do not peak behind the windows
You'll only witness madness
Dormant I wish they stayed
Yet their hunger
Knows only one limitation
Sep 27 · 43
Notes..
For these feelings
Foreign are they not
Heed thy anchors call
As too many moons have passed
Since the last breeze
Clung to cloth bedding
Pulling further away
For the love of the sea
Is stronger than the warmth
Any woman may bring
For her bounty may be blue
Yar to be warned
Her ***** be ever vast
Foreign are these feelings
Not
Foreign is the care
Not
Why your smile still
Stings at my heart
You shouldn't be aqui
In these butterfly sails
Causing mutiny upon me
My vessel battered
Wars have waged
Blood staining the bow
Cannons still smoking
Smell of gunpowder
From daybreak's call
Almost resting in the depths
Davy Jones locker
A too close encounter
I've sailed those waters
One too many past the 7
I know the fate
Dead men tell no tales
Where land stops
Nothing begins
You'll see what I mean
When your crew
Never reaches
The same port again
Aug 6 · 210
The Big Flaw
I undervalue myself
While overvaluing
Everything around me
That first shot you heard
Wasn't to the brain
The second shot was
All intentions when loading
Closing each channel
To this reality
Heart, Mind, Soul
1 round each
3 round clip
I'm finishing this out
Homicide a suicidal thought
****** on my mind
Got a 138 personalities
Genocide I guess
I'll fill a mortuary
Create my own cemetery
Send flowers from hell
My heart hurts constant
My mind adhd on crack
My soul fatigued
1 round each
3 round clip
I'll put them out of misery
Call it selfish
Call it brave
You'll each have an opinion
So plant me
Like the **** I tried growing
Caring for you all
No thought of myself
Cashing in death
While I sell out life
I'd rather accept the truth
Then live a beautiful lie
Jul 28 · 40
Tank on E
Just filled up
Ready to conquer
Miles upon miles
Stretched out
Untamed asphalt
Awaiting me
Yet I watch
Ever so diligently
As "Full" gradually drops
3/4
1/2
1/4
1/8
Dancing on E
Soon to be stranded
Thumbs out
Thigh might shake
Maybe a laugh
Will get someone to stop
Help me put fuel
In a tank ran dry
It won't help now
My gauge has been broke
I rigged it to be on "F"
When it's really bone dry
I've been running
On a tank stuck on E
No amount of prayer
You whisper in idle hope
No supply of hugs
You discount tirelessly
This gasoline engine
Intent on starving
Rather keep going
Depriving all maintenance
Oil leaks
Transmission slipping
ECM haywire
Throwing endless codes
Mechanics can't figure out
This one here
Ole Reliable
Old Faithful
We'll call her Betsy
Somehow
Someway
With a tank on E
Your destination you'll get to
Run ragged
Throttled till the lifters knock
Patiently dying quicker
Holding out
Till that one mechanic
Actually will take the time
Put forth the effort
Ever so effortlessly
Running part by part
Through and through
Fixing what needs it the most
Just so the gauges won't lie
And the performance
Will be dramatically improved
What more do you expect
When you got a tank
Stuck on E
And nowhere to fill-up
Where the price
Actually matches the sign
Or the quality of the fuel
Is genuine in it's conviction
To get you there
That place you need to be
Where the fuel is abundant
Maintenance is easier
All attention is set
On the perfect match
Between your fuel station
And my vehicular heart
Always wanting to go
Just no destination
Or company for enjoyment
Just a tank on E
Waiting for the towtruck
With salvage on the side
Crusher it is
Even if it runs and drives
No use without the fuel
To keep it going
Jul 25 · 68
Random Pieces
The great teachings
Wise old master
Kong fu is everywhere
Lessons in everything
Life is a puzzle piece
Mix matching
Wisdom to experience
Vivid in detail
How many pieces
Does the box say
Some finish early
Others way later
We each take the puzzles
Wear as poster boards
Rioting thru life
Chanting the purpose
We're given at birth
Questioning what it says
How do you believe
In something monumental
When you're not sure
How to start understanding
Random Pieces
We're given through
Just as random people
Jul 22 · 75
Up-Down
Life's little rollercoaster
Full throttle
Short ride
Up
Down
Here we go
Can I ride another
Stuck on this loop
In circles I go
Somebody fix the tracks
Fired the maintenance crew
Can I bail out
It's been a suspenseful climb
Now dive down with me
No brakes
Stopping is overrated
Out of track
Do I keep going
Why not
Only way I'll learn to fly
When it's no longer
Up-down-left-right-around
Spam the buttons
Broken e-brake
Sad the last thing
I'll think about
Is why I never had a woman
Just to tell me
Riding an abandoned rollercoaster
Was a bad idea
Or restored it
Before I throttled it
Ha
Certifiable idiot

We interrupt this broadcast with breaking news....man dead after rollercoaster flew off tracks..more on this at 5

R.I.P.
Don't hold a memorial
Don't attend the funeral
Grab you a six pack
A pack of zigzags
Jar for the roach's
Bucket for the tears
Celebrate the moments
I was actually there
Grieve only for the notion
I became what I already was
A passing face
Dead before and after
I touched your tv heart
Jul 21 · 220
If You Knew
All those subtle acts
Random as they might be
Carefully thought out
Remember DO's and DONT's
All the while portraying
With rainbow flags
Neon strobes
Megaphone so loud
You don't hear it
You literally see it
The feelings I have for you
Unreciprocated
Never demanded payback
Even when I tell myself
Just forget it all
Everything that has YOU
Graffiti carved into it
You manage to stay
Like an obedient dog
To a foreign owner
My commands and desires
Have no interest in listening
I watch you smile
Hold back tears
Deny depression
Hope and pray
For the exact outcome
I treasure in dreams
Only difference is
I'm not in yours
Notoriously I'll settle
Eventually in that specific
Happy little home
You made for me
In your life
As a dear friend
With all intentions
Of placing me on a shelf
Forgetting I exists
Similar to children's dolls
If I were to become inanimate
I'd surely collect dust
All effort to keep me
In the forefront of temporal lobes
You wouldn't even use
If I didn't chisel a smile
On your statue expression
Keen on not letting the world see
That very human little girl
Who only wants what she wants
Love and affection
Attention and devotion
Not placed on a pedestal
Merely elegantly placed
To surely be noticed first
If only you knew
What I keep hidden from you
Maybe you do
Then I'm just a fool
Either way it goes it seems
I don't have stupid
On my forehead
But undoubtedly it's stamped
Ever so boldy
Across my ***
*****
For patiently waiting
In a line to a buffet
Closed down for so long
Dying of starvation
Knowing no other place
Will be as enjoyable
As the one I dined at
That one time
So long ago
If you knew
If you really knew
That I don't just love you
My heart idolizes you
You captivated me
Far beyond comprehension
That it irates me
I can't figure out
Exactly why I'm stuck
Feeling this way
You're my sun
Keeping my earth in orbit
Till your light switch
Starts being played with
Disconnecting me from you
Leaving me awaiting
A black hole
You pull me away from
Just as I'm about to dive in
If I could erase you
From my heart I would
Just so you could chase
All the happiness
You may or may not find
While I chased nothing
Expecting nothing to come
From every little bit of something
Knowing, if you knew
How I really felt
You'd be lost right with me
Sipping depression
On anxiety front property
Stranded on an overpopulated island
To loneliness instead
Where unmet hopes
Grow like weeds
Often used as kindling
For a fire to get through the day
So tell me now
Do you really want to know me
Black box warning label
How I feel comes as a side effect
I guarantee you don't
I'd advise not
Then you'll have to face
How you really feel
Trying to juggle
What you want
With what you need
And what you have
So whatever you do
I ask at least
Turn the magnet off
That way rust can finally
Consume my iron heart
Unbending in it's unwavering decision
To love you and only you
With little to no interest
In potential relationships
Or ****** fulfilment
All I need is your smile
And I have everything
So if you didn't
Maybe you do now
Maybe you won't ever
Depending on if I ever
Convince myself to try
Attempting for you to know
So I'll know
What I need to know
To just close this chapter
I've been rereading
Since the day I met you
Jul 10 · 43
Perpetually Lost
Scratch the first thought
You dared to have
Thinking I'm referring
To that vacant feeling
Crawling in between
Layers of flesh
Not anymore
I warned you
The great **** river
Has ran dry
Lapped up
By over indulgent tongues
With diluted principles
Overestimated my secret stash
I kept hidden
Jokes over
Fort Knox is empty
Every **** is gone
That roaches don't bother
Thinking crumbs of one
May still remain
Dust doesn't settle
Where nothing exist
I'm perpetually lost
In the sense that who I was
Won't come back
Emotionally unstable
Balancing life on fishing line
All the while dancing
To the sound of my own thoughts
As they stampeded
Across marble floors
With lead soles
Deal with it
This is the me you wanted
The one you knew
In your subconscious
Given the chance
Won't hesitate to say
******* in the neck
As I'm skull dragging
That pathetic version of me
You so inclined to abuse
Walls are up
No one's getting in
You bombarded Area 51
Forgetting the other 50
Stockpiled with an arsenal
You weren't prepared to fend off
So relish in the dismal
Bleak fantasies of me
You ******* with
That won't let you peak
I promise it'll be faster
Using a corpses dead ****
I'm perpetually lost
To the era of once was
Forged ever so harshly
In the dawning of the era
I'll **** into a lake
Of ***** and blood
Joy to the world
I feel alive
So strike a match
Watch me combust
As two massive feet
Collapse your ******
Blessed is the New Founding Father
A man reborn
Purged of emotional filth
Baptized in ******
Yeah...I'm angry, but dead *** serious. Same reasons I hated myself while everyone loved me will be the same reasons I love me while everyone hates me
Jul 10 · 35
Hail To The King
Hear ye
Hear ye
Hail to his Majesty
The king has arisen
****** he plots
Be weary of his call
For the Red King
Hates you all
Out with his heart
Out with his heart
Watch as it beats
Till all existence cease
Ideas of love are sweet
Ye might relish in now
Reality whispers in his ear
No place for ye to be held
Ever so dear
In a heart ran red
As he ripped it out
So no queen could ever
Take his head
Hail to the king
His royal Majesty
Hail the Red King
Out with his heart
Out with his heart
The king awakens
Intent on ******
His only victim to be
Shall forever be solely me
Jul 10 · 31
Impossibility
Every love story
Has a beginning
A surreal middle
Either happy or sad end
Mine only saw sparks
An ignition
With no fuel added
You just got here
Red hair
Cute blouse
White pants
Sandle like flip-flops
A recluse
I had to know
Somehow my lips
Met yours
With fear in my soul
Divorced dad
No real reason
To be even considered
One date
Steakhouse and a walk
Little conversation
Yet your silence spoke volumes
I read and comprehended
Each aspect you hid
Thinking your diary
Was locked and unreadable
You asked me then
What my intentions were
I didn't want a relationship
I didn't want love
But given the chance
I would have chased it
Held dearly to it
You just didn't get that part
You just saw the start
No real intention
Of your very own
My love story
A hopeless impossibility
Staging scenarios
Playing out in dreams
I've grown to despise
Knowing all too well
There is no point
Keeping you in my mind
So I'll place the period
At the end of this page
Bring this failed romance
To a decent enough close
I'm still viable
For the casket I'll fill
At the end of my own story
Impossibility
That's what you became
It was beautiful
Loving you for this long
Doubt I'll truly ever stop
I just won't let another
Bear witness to it
So the ones that know
Will forget I ever did
You don't need to know me
Even if in your head
I was a possibility
What you have seen
Is all that you'll know
So don't forgive me
When I'm not there
Waiting for the owner
Of my impounded heart
Jul 10 · 32
Bury It
Three foot wide
Eight feet long
Song lyrics in the background
No longer able to play Hoover
As leaks turn to floods
I couldn't help it
That knife pleaded
It carried voices
Whispered elegant futures
Inspiring me to do it
That blade turned to a shovel
I'm the murderer
I'm the undertaker
Watch me bury it
Concrete the casket
Reinforced to surpass
What the Romans built
I couldn't take it anymore
Emotional instability
So don't judge me
Don't complain
You all took advantage
Thought pie lasted forever
Gluttonous they became
No one greedy enough
To just claim the baker
So I'll ask for forgiveness
Rather than the permission
To execute my own heart
For I'm not the one
That will be the victim
Any longer than I already was
Jul 9 · 35
No Matter What
I don't know
If it's my depression talking
Self esteem issues flaring
Delusional unjustified attacks
Self terrorism at it's finest
Yet no matter what
I won't measure up
Not even to the hunchback
I'm just an existence
Floating unnoticed
Unwanted undesirable
I'm subjected to loneliness
Best friend a shadow
Worst enemy a reflection
Only lover I'll have
Is the stars
They're already dead
Yet still trying to light
The path I'm on
Jun 26 · 31
What Made You
Silent when I need answers
Vocal only when I want solitude
You can't make up your mind
Which foot race it is
You wish to finish
So you run them all
Watching you change
As all your vibrant colors
Showcase themselves
Valiantly on display
What made you
Seem to find comfort
In the echoing caverns
Of uncharted brain cells
What made you
My greatest friend
All the while
My overwhelming enemy
What made you
Hate me as much as we do
The only thing we agree on
This torturous weight
Seven pounds accumulates
After carrying for so long
With weakening muscles
Once a valued trophy
Now bubblegum
Annoyingly attached to soles
Trampled on till recognized
Then discarded with everyday trash
What made you
Have a voice of an angel
Hiding behind 90 years
Of smokers cough
It's not so much
What it is you whisper
It's the calming of the wisdom
Behind each scream
That terrifies me to no end
So I run
Thinking if I do the opposite
I'll be free from myself
Even for a minute
Yet you knew already
It's in your design
To display what could be
While leading me
To what should be
No matter if it is
Exactly how I wish it would be
What made you
The way you are
Perfectly made for me
Jun 19 · 42
Lead Me Away
I'll follow lost
Desperately without hesitation
I need the escape
I'll leave behind
A heart strung out
Addicted to her
She who will never
Grasp the depth of my love
Lead me away
Whether to my death
Or far enough
She'll never bless
Another of my senses
This black hole energy
Keeps me orbiting
False hopes I derive
From delusional fantasies
Lead me away
Let me abandon a heart
I'm forced to endure
I've made my enemy
I can't take anymore
Akephalos
Come forth
Release me from my eternal prison
Lead me away
To a realm exceeding
This plane of existence
Where I can bury
These confines of mortality
That plague me
Lead me away
Lead me away
I can't face her
Knowing I love her
To the ends that I do
Knowing I'm a puppet
To an emotion
Steadily destroying me
Lead me away
Before I carry myself away
Jun 10 · 61
Helping Hand
It's human right
Lending a hand
To someone who
May or may not bite
When it's outstretched
Guidelines and rules
To keep peace
But here it is more strikes
On tally boards
You caught feelings
Even why you tried not to
Over used
Under appreciated
Here I go
Giving up again
When life's hammering
I try to be the back bone
Of every situation
The level foundation
Yet I'm scheduled
For more demolition
Before blueprints are made
A helping hand
Grabbed and pulled
Never grabbed and held
This is isn't right
For me to do this
To be like this
Hating my existence
When everyone else
Finds something to love
I'm the water hole
In the desert
Alone
Drying up
I can only fill so many
Before I go away
It never rains
So value me now
As shade and food
Are bountiful
I'll have given it all
Just to see you grow
Yet you never considered
My affection and gave back
You used and polluted me
Making me what I am now
A burning hole
Filled with ash and bone
Waiting for it to rain
To drown you out
And carry you far enough away
You'll appreciate me
When I take form
In another place
Jun 8 · 39
Head Full Of Clouds
Drifting so slowly
Letting the world rotate
For once without me
I'll sit on cloud 9
Bounce back and forth
From dark ones
To seemingly transparent
My head's a thunderstorm
Of calm winds and rolling thunder
It's confusion yet serenity
A paradise within chaos
You won't find too often
That rabbit hole
Alice was never meant to find
Yet here we are
Slaying Jabowakis
And pondering Hatters riddles
Why is a Raven like a writing desk
The freedom to go
Wherever it is you fathom
The blank stare
Before the ball
Pointing you to creativity
Perhaps it's the ability
To get lost in the clouds
Filling your head
With the idea
One day you won't return
And your left trying
To outrun the darkest cloud
Just for a moment of clarity
I'm piddling again
And I've lost my train of thought
Hatter
Why is a Raven
Like a writing desk
Simple answer my dear
I don't know
We're just body's
Attached to heads
Full of Clouds
That either fill us with amusement
Or crash down on us
With the upmost hostility
Jun 8 · 46
It'll Never Be
This constantino ribbon
You managed to coil
Delicately around my heart
Makes for the perfect yoyo string
Guaranteed to hurt me
No matter what tricks you play
Sad thing is
I don't believe you intended
For any of this to happen
Yet here it is
The world's smallest violin
At your fingertips
As I watch you with him
Witnessing every chance
I wouldn't mind having
Get backwashed in ceramic
You and me
It'll never be
You're chasing something
I don't have a need for
That gratification of being
Somebody's little hero
I'm chasing a bigger role
As somebody's little world
I see your smile
I know the genuine imprint
It leaves on your face
But no matter how hard I hammer
I can't leave a dent
On that shutout heart
You forged around his hands
Maybe it's jealousy
So much more envy
Watching how all he has to do
Is look in an opposite direction
You'll be chasing his sight
Waiting for the recognition
You feel only he can give
You wonder why I never made a move
Why my chess pieces stayed
Ever so stationary
What's the point of playing
When you're at a different table
Playing monopoly
With him owning the board
Already won
Without ever giving anyone
A chance to roll the dice
It'll never be
Its all too familiar to me
I'm no one's anything
Just a man idle as a pawn
Easily cast aside
To get to the King
I'll never reach the other side
Stuck on the middle row
Of this board we play on
Maybe I need to play cards
Give up on my usual efforts
All that happens is a broken pawn
Worn out from too many uses
No chance at becoming
That King I know I could be
Its not in the cards for me
Yet again proven wrong
My heart's too worthless
To find momentary satisfaction
Giving way to closer examination
Finding the deeper veins
Hold more riches
Then those seen
With the naked eye
It'll never be
Not at least for me
Jun 3 · 72
Dear Self
I'm tired of this
Every open window
You peer through
Becomes doors swung open
Just to slam in your face
When you get to the threshold
No singular heart
Can possibly sustain
This much agony at once
Why is it trial and error
With every passing face
Heart too big
If you tried to ****
Somehow it would manage
Locating a rhythm
Deeper than any machine
Could hope to detect
It's always move on
She's around the corner
Be a gentleman
Do what they never had done
Managing never to be
More worthy than anyone
You stand beside me
I can't compare
To what she wants
Or what she desires
I'm not the happy middle
I'm the lost cause
Still trying to find
That one heart
That will cradle mine
Long into the silent hours
That taunt me with exhaustion
Plague me with insomnia
If this doesn't end
I might have to
Ceasing a human existence
Just to see how hard I'll be then
To either love or be loved
Admired for positivity
When I'll simply
Focus on only doing
No doing
Void of desire and need
I'll drop dead
From malnutrition in heart mind and body
But they won't care
They got what they chased
I got used without realizing
My dysfunction is a disorder
They'll never cure
It's fool
Hopeless dreamer in the art
Of giving thought a second chance
That for once
I'll be adequate finally
Dear Self
I hope you found her
The messiah to your idiocy
The blessing behind your faith
Maybe you didn't give up
Perhaps you did
Either outcome
Your bound to catch hell
I'm not the type to please
I'm the pleasing type
Jun 1 · 52
Building The Fence
Dig, level, set
Frame, stretch, nail
Processes repetitive
Outside looking in
Bird ******* eyes
Perched upon porches
Deemed easy enough a job
Physical demand obvious observation
Biased evaluation without involvement
You can read a book
Watch a video
Learn the process
Yet what's lacking
When yours doesn't look
Nearly as good
Or picture worthy of pastel colors
It's the intricateness of an artist
The detailed eye of experience
The mental strain of determining
Where exactly is sufficient for a days labor
Where we are
Isn't satisfactory so more motivation
Pumped into fuel lines
As augers break ground
Eagle eyes marking straight lines
As muscle puts in place
Never enough to be where you are
With the next 15 line posts
Dug, post in whole
Prepared to be conquered
Reach the end of a line
Thrill of the adventure
The end post is reached for
Still wanting the excitement
Add a corner post
Chase a new line
New obstacles unseen
Hidden adversities take form
Roots, nature's little ***** trap
Electric and gas lines
Humanities little twist
Comical to one
Aggravating to three
That's life is it not
Series of stages
Building and building
Fundamentally the same
Different with every line
Panels a little short
An inch or two longer
Maybe a jog adding a curve
Avoiding a hassle
Prepared for with careful planning
Executed by lessons previously learned
Going with the flow
But keeping an appearance
Making individuality transparent
To even the untrained
Without a perspective placed in sweaty boots
You shouldn't determine
Whether this job or the next
Easy or hard
Take into account
Clientele, human behavior
Outsourced obstacles manufactured
Seasons change
Constant reevaluating courses of action
Orchestrating others with mutual benefits
As wallets become less hungry
Piggy banks no longer butchered
Building the fence
May look easy to you
With knowledge learned
Instead of implemented
What's the point of having a car
If you still walk everywhere you go
Knowledge isn't experience
Experience is wisdom
Making metaphors out of labor
You probably won't participate in
Understanding is the ultimate power
Learning life lessons
Without having to wage wars
May 31 · 45
Who I Really Am
Masculine
Towering frame of intimidation
Outside demeanor
Conquering and indestructible
If only you knew
The inner frailty
Weak beams years if deterioration
Corrosion on blood line plumbing
I'm a man in outward appearance
An infant craving cradling
Buried beneath the rubble
I'm an optical illusion
So I keep my doors locked
Windows boarded
I may look like a paradise
Only to prove to be
Alcatraz to the heart of a monster
Intent on self destruction
May 30 · 50
Answer My Senses
Your eyes speak in volumes
Oceanic in color
Vast in arousal
Heightening my interest
Teasing my senses
Brutal bombardment of questions
Stimulating a desire
Animalistic too wild to cage
I need the taste of you
As your body lightly presses
Against my lips
Taste buds open nasal cavities
As every pheromone you produce
Assails my senses
Finally solving these mathematical questions
I formulated when your eyes
Glistened at the idea
Me and you could just be passionate
Even if it were for a night
May 28 · 40
Learn
All that you can
Risk risk risk reward
Study diligently
Laugh
Shake the pain
Every lesson is embroidered with
Take heed the old wives tale
Analyze, scour every word
What does it mean
What is implied
What can be implemented
How will you achieve
That vision of you
Your reflection knows
Without first learning
What it takes to be the best you
May 26 · 43
Tattoos
Embodiment of emotion
Pictured perfectly
From letters to cartoons
Displaying my thought process
Abstract sleeves
Illuminati meanings
Da Vinci and Van Gogh
Psychological in art
How do you see yourself
When others can't see
Past the ink on pigmented flesh
This is my therapy
My freedom in expression
So don't judge me
When I know I'm guilty
Of self interpretation
May 25 · 39
Smile Please
If it weren't for that smile
I chase on everyone's face
A symbol of approval
My life's not meaningless
I have a purpose
Or just an attempt
To give myself reason
Not to blow my head off
Or swing from that bridge
I've always given so many smiles
Earned one or two
Tried and tried
But I'll never be the reason
Anyone smiles forever
I'll be the reason
Someone cries before sleep
When it's my blood
Mopping up puddles of tears
*** for tat
I'll pray I'm forgotten quick
No one needs to know
The hell I go through
Smile please
It'll make this hurt a lot less
I'm smiling so why aren't you
Do you fear loosing me
Or that smile no one
Tries to hold onto
May 25 · 40
Rejected
More than expected
Love notes and serenades
Batted away
Transmuted into grenades
Left at the threshold of my heart
It'll always be like this
I'm not meant to be loved
Just a source of love
To those who need a daily dose
I'm that barrel of ale
Left on tap
Abused as I'm consumed
Go to meetings to avoid me
I'm the problem
Never a solution
So why am I still here
Hoping still trying
Outcomes the same
I'm ok with that
They don't see any value
I'll have in their lives
How can I blame them
When I myself can't find any
Bleak and bland
Possibly the worst excuse
A shell of a man
With goals and ambitions
He himself can't achieve
Life's not meant for me
Love is evading me
Only thing I have
Are voodoo doll personalities
I converse with
Just to make the day go by quicker
May 10 · 51
Again
Seems like it's inevitable
Somehow this folly of depression
Sickening as it may be
Is my only saving grace
My super power
To harness words
Delicately placing them
In ballet slippers
Watching them elegantly
Summarize emotions I'm plagued with
Constant fears and thoughts
Screenplays Broadway ready
Tragedy to fantasy
Rarely comical
Yet a jokers laugh is heard
Deep in the cellars of my heart
Knowing all too well
I am what my opinion of me is
No religious text
Deranged teachings of dark minds
Or philosophical psychology
Can eradicate it
I'm lost beyond hope
Trying to make a dream
A not so far off reality
Hindered quickly before
I even take my next breath
What will it take
How does it happen to me
When will it end
Where will I be
Who cares anymore
I'm surrounded by myself
Engulfed in my delusions
Try to become my own martyr
Why can't I be my own god
Carve the destiny I desire
With only a snap of fingers
Or the wiggle of my nose
I know I'm not hopeless
Yet mind and body
Reject truces or seek compromise
Again
I'm lost in these senses
Hating myself
For feelings I can't control
Loving myself
With little avail
I'm detestable
Deplorable
Defeated
Yet waving white flags
Seem only to incur wrath
From whoever raises it first
Again
Another war
Futile in all aspects
The answers the same
Outcome forseen
Again
And again
And...

              ...again

It's only one purpose
So tell me already
Show me what I'm meant to do
Who I'm to become
I'll strive to make it true
If only there's a sanctuary
From the me I am again
May 10 · 40
Haunted
Plagued with constant torment
What god can save me
What sacrificial ritual
Must I endure
To rid this haunted mansion
I call a head
From these reoccurring creaks
Whispers of get out
Turn to screams at alarm clocks
Vaguely heard
Chase it away
Exorcise these demons
Procure unto me
My freedom from self ridicule
May 9 · 228
The Long Road
Ups
Down
Tripping
Falling
But you made the dirt
Tastier when I ate it
Making it easier
To dust myself off
You'd offer bandaids
A helping hand
Yet I'm as hard headed
Almost as stubborn
As you are
You taught me
That life isn't about taking it
It's about conquering
Everything that wants to bury you
The Long Road
Isnt living cautiously
It's learning from mistakes
From the risk you take
Being prepared for possibilities
Accepting of consequences
Everything you did
Was for my betterment
That I fought you over
Thinking I mastered
Those pieces of advice
If not for you
I know several places
I'd be stuck in
Without hopes of a future
You held my hand
To make it this far
Now hold onto your faith
And walk with my heart
As I make you proud
With every step I take
Down this long road
We endure called life
With your teachings
I'll obliterate remaining obstacles
I love you mom
Happy mother's day
The only present I have
That's worth anything
That I can offer
Is the smile I bestow
Everytime you witness
Me implementing
Those invaluable lessons
You diligently worked on
Instilling them into me
Thank you
To Annette Guerrero, my mom by her choice. She didn't have to become a part of my life but without her who knows where I would be. No earthly possession can be of equal worth to the opportunities I'll have because of you. I love you mom.
May 6 · 40
Villian
In your eyes
You saw only the laugh
The deranged pupils
So look deeper
The cracks that became abyssal
The glass cities left in ruins
By the hands of those
I reached out for
Corpses piled high
After every brush off
As each attempt
To hold onto my own
Fell through closed hands
Asking for help
Leaves you vulnerable
To someone else's evil
Becoming greater in hopes
Of surpassing that feeling
I'll be that villian
In your eyes
Her heart
His mind
At their discrepancy
I'll be my own hero
Saving myself
Without wasting another breath
Begging for your approval
Apr 16 · 42
Xena
One step out of line of view
The sound of clumsy feet
Hurrying to follow where my shadow
Just slipped away from
Or megaphone whines
As I close the door behind
Separation anxiety kicking in
She's relatively calm for her age
Power mode kicks in
Just before bed
Quick round of who's Alpha
Tug of war and ****** snacks
Settling down with the flick of a switch
Cuddled up on her blanket
Foot side night watch
Till thunder rolls too close to home
Then it's in my bed cuddled up
Hi, this is Xena
My 8 week old
German Shepherd puppy
Shes a big scary dog
Not a cute little pup
That licks her victims
Then chases their feet
Won't roll over for any amount
Of unneeded attention
So if you're not careful
She'll have you wrapped
Tightly around her paw
Torturing you with nibbles and kisses
That feeling of just existing
Floating through life
Without a purpose
Wake up to the alarm
Maybe a bite to eat
Coffee a nice idea
As your racing out the door
Mess up on the job
Tiny details were overlooked
Grow tired of the commute
Daily headaches
Coming home to nothing
Till you're allowed
Being denied the opportunity
To be a parent
I'll accept that the decisions
I poorly made in annoyance
Have consequences
Yet limiting my daughter
And the time I spend with her
Shouldn't have been a result
Let alone an idea to punish me
It's torture
Cruel and unusual
So I'll just smile
Work towards the dream I have
It's a reset and reboot
Deleting the unneeded
Watch close
You'll miss how I win this
Apr 14 · 48
Fuck It
Life
Society
Endless list of things
I'm waiting for ***** to give about
I only have one **** to give
With my chin up
**** out
***** on the table
I'm ready
So call my spongebob
This new chapter I have yet to write
I'm going to **** it
Head first into the dirt
No more self abuse
Belittling every action
Contemplating what I thought
Was my only way out
Reality had to slap me in the face
Give me more reasons
Not to doubt my potential
Somehow I've moved forward
Without realizing I did
I'm close to checkmate
But that's before the semifinals
I'll probably lose somewhere
Life has a winning streak too
**** it
I'm not sweating it
There is a green pasture
I'm watering to make greener
Might not be within eyesight
I just know it's there
Like every great masterpiece
From all my favorite artist
No one saw what they did
Till it was finished
Once unveiled it was breathtaking
I'm in a happier place. Some minor things I feel I could improve and in time I'll make those moves. I'm truly taking it one day at a time. Focusing on the greatest things I have to be thankful for. No procrastinating my self evaluation, no fornicating with laziness, just pure acceptance that where I'm at can always be in a better spot and getting there is harder than it seems. Patience, either your greatest strength or biggest weakness, you decide how much you have and how much you need when making those vital decisions. Eh I'm on a rant. More poetry to come stay tune.
Apr 7 · 61
Estranged
We were once close
Laughing at subtle jokes
Always on the inside of our humor
Then something changed
We stopped talking little by little
When we did it was always fights
Super smash bros ultimate edition
I'd try to cave in your chest
While you cracked my skull
It was ****** when we spoke
Insults no one heard
Just saw on the skin
No one knew what was wrong
Then we became estranged
Two different paths
We played rock paper scissors
To see who went down which
Now your in the mirror
Having a hard time
Looking at me
Knowing all too well now
We could have controlled the thoughts
We just couldn't save our heart
From the decisions it made
All on it's own
Mar 26 · 951
Hmmm...hold on
I'm so passed overthinking
My overthinking over thinks
The thinking I'm overthinking
To the point I'm thinking over
What's over thought and I thought
I was over this
Just didn't think it over enough
dilemma dilemma
yeap
Hold on we're in for a bumpy ride
Airwaves collide
I'm pretty sure we've been here before
I'm confused
What was the thought
Somewhere amongst this chaos
I forgot the original thought
Now I'm overthinking
A thought that can't be found
Wait wait
Oh yes I remember now
The thought was simply
Peanut butter or jelly
On the last piece of toast
So both
Or one
But which
Rock
Paper
Scissors
How do I answer this
It's an impossible equation
1+1 is good
1+the other is good
1+2 makes 1
But I wanted to share it with you
So now there's not enough
Either way
So what do you prefer
Before my brain cells implode
Giving up on the hope
I'll ever make a decision
That will justify the reason
Why I'm overthinking
What to feed you for breakfast in bed
Maybe just coffee...
Wait which brand?
How strong?
More or less sugar?
Too much creamer!
**** it I'm going to work
Everything *****
When over-thought thoughts
Become thoughts we've been over
Overthinking themselves
Into non-existence
And I forget how
I started this conversation with myself
Or what it no longer pertains to
What was I talking about again?
Oh yeah do I have everything
What did I forget
Wallet
Keys
Phone
Socks
Shoes
Pants
Shirt
Necklace
Hat
30 minutes later it'll remind me
I woke up hungry
Couldn't decide what to feed myself
It's too late, I'm late for work
My daily life as an overthinker.
Mar 22 · 349
3 Things
It's all it takes to make me happy
All I need to put a smile on
3 things reason enough
To become a better man
Than I was a second ago
My daughter
Innocent and energetic
Heart of gold
I'd plate with titanium
So it would never be broken
Lock away in a far away castle
Too high for even dragons to reach
But I know you can't hide
The radiance of her eyes
Intrigued by everything
With a giving hand at her age
My Family
Jokes and burns
Scares and bruises
We give each other just for a laugh
Toughening each other's minds
Keeping the wise still sharp
Forging the young
Into durable adults
Prepared for anything
Ready to take charge
Tearing out walls
To open their own doors
My friends
Uplifting and always there
Significant to someone like me
Who fears the dark
Wishing to never be left alone
If not for them
I would have given up
On chasing the dream
Of becoming a man
My little girl is proud of
It's gratitude before me
Oceans of debts
Money could never pay back
Only my success could do
Proving to them all
Their failure to give up on me
Wasn't in vain
That I was truly worth
Every drop of effort
They didn't realize they put in
A simple smile
A helping hand
An "I got you if you need me"
Late night talks
Advice I didn't think I needed
It all molded me
Every bit of kindness
I didn't think I was worth
I say it's 3 things
Yet that's just the categories
I've placed the thousands of hands
I refuse to let go of, in
Thank you
From my soul
To the tears that fall
As I write this
While I'm supposed to be working
All of you saved me
When I couldn't save myself
Yes, I really started crying at work writing this. My appreciate runs so deep. I feel as if I'm in a better point in my life and things are looking up. I've been focusing on more of the positive things in my life. Through therapy, anger management, and being free from a very unhealthy relationship, I feel myself maturing at a rate that terrifies me bc I don't want to grow up just yet but ik I have to. My priorities are in line and I'm becoming proud of myself in everything that I do thanks to all the people that have become a major influence in my life, who I almost lost bc I fell deep in a rabbit hole of depression and almost gave up on my life. Even considering the unfortunate events that got me out of that I'm looking at the positive side of even that and being grateful that if not for the things that transpired I wouldn't have found the happiness that I'm slowly getting accustomed to. Now if only I could achieve one thing that's weighing on me I'm pretty sure I'll transcend to a Bob Ross level of Happy. Once again...nine out of ten if you're reading this you deserve this...THANK YOU.
Mar 16 · 51
Alright Fuck It
Here I come
13 loops later
All dressed
Glistening in red
Tiny bottle empty
Cryptic code
Silent disappearance
Adios good riddance
Alright **** it
Let's get this over with
Before I chicken out again
Chickened out...
Mar 16 · 56
Fantasy
Day dreaming
Nightly praying
You'll be beside me when I awake
Half naked
With my t-shirt on
Engulfing you
As if dressed for a ball
Sadly my fantasies
Are slowly hanging me
For that's all they'll remain
Destined to fade
But crush you
As you start fantasizing
When it's someone else
I'm holding closer than you
It's "him" this
So many more "him" that
Bickering of the way
He often treats you
But around me
I see you glow
Smiling without saying a word
As if it were natural
That my presence is amusing
You'll kiss me
Acknowledging feelings
You can't hide from me
When they're identical to mine
Yet still run off
Chase a dream you think you'll achieve
With "him" as the designated driver
I get it though
"He" has the looks
The frame and build
I'm nothing to compete with
A simple scoff
Not trying to measure up
Just tell me why my heart
Becomes your playdough
You play with
When things get rocky
I try to hold on
Just so you'll play more
Back in the container I go
Whenever "he" calls
Or decides your worth coming back to
I'd rather you throw me in the trash
Donate me to someone else
Than keep me in the dark
Hoping you'll mold me
Back into the happiest man
Even if it is just for a minute
Seeing your eyes light up
Smile gain life
I know being happy is scary
But this sadness is tiring
Either the sadness goes or the fear
One has to end
Before it's too late
For us to play together ever again
Mar 16 · 42
Low
Low
How low can you go
Before the feeling becomes a high
Trapped in a stasis
Where you simply float
If I traveled through the earth
To describe it
I'd simply exit back to where I stood
If I pushed past the atmosphere
I'd simply drift off
Growing far higher than your imagination
So if I stood in place
Miming the statues of atlantis
I'd still be higher
Than an existence you don't know
So when I say I'm low
I'm really high
You just can't see
Fathom the idea
Because if not for me
You'd never understand
Exactly how high you are
On those pedestals
Someone else put you on
Without realizing
No one will do the same for me
Mar 16 · 35
Not Much To Offer
One look in a mirror
I wonder exactly I have to offer
Every voice falls silent
Loading bars stall
Chalkboards erase
Nothing
Seems about right
To a point it's wrong
I'm a man of constant work
Bills, a child, roommate
A bankrupt heart
With a vacancy light on so long
It decided to turn itself off
What's to offer
When everything you have
Amounts to something nobody wants
I'm not looking
Pulled every advertisement
Deleted my website
Canceled subscriptions
Before I ran up any more debt
The bank doesn't even chase anymore
For there is no value in Chernobyl
Only memories forbidden to be visited
Still some come and go
Leaving footprints on years of dust
Eventually covered
When the next storm blows through
Not much to offer
But if you'd be interested
I'm certain it would be a thrill
Bored.
Mar 15 · 50
I Do It To Myself
Dive head first
Plummetting into the depths
Knowing jagged rocks
Await below my descent
Deserving of this crash course
Every time I open up
Secrets I keep to myself
Sometimes slip just for advice
Resulting in knowledge I already had
Knowing I'm the reason
My heart always gets blamed
When I feel the pull
That dreaded tug
Ripping my chest open
Just to hold onto her
Even when her hearts in another's hand
I don't need a her
I need the reason to come home
A responsibility to commit
To safety I disregard
As 90 becomes so easy to obtain
I chase my own form of happiness
In the thrill of knowing
Any second
I won't exist
I won't hurt
And the ones I wanted to love me
Will finally see
How without me
Smiles wouldn't have came so easily
I don't mind being that silent one
Taking the punches
Everyone throws wildly
Just to ease a moment of their pain
Subside a demon they ignore
Till it eats them alive
I do it to myself
I know that better than anyone
I just wish
I had someone to calm
The demon I'm becoming
All too friendly with
I need a reason to change
I don't see me achieving it
All by myself
I'm acknowledging
I need someone
When those lonely nights
Start to devour more
Of what I no longer cherish
So when I'm gone
In a fashion I carved my own
Miss me only in the moment
When you needed me the most
For then I'll wash over you
A calming hand
To hold you one more time
Mar 15 · 59
Human
White lives don't matter
Black lives don't matter
Yellow lives don't matter
Blue lives don't matter
Pink lives don't matter
Orange lives don't matter
Rainbow lives don't matter
All lives don't matter
Who the **** cares
Human lives matter
I feel the same depression
You do when your old lady leaves
Or when your old man cheats
I feel the same love
When you look at your children
Or when they call for you
I'm tired of this *******
Feelings are ******
And hostility between blood
Doesn't change the thickness of water
That we continue to pollute
Under this bridge of bonds
We often set fire to
When we lose a feeling
Towards a person of affection
Human
That's what we are
Not colors
Just know when I say
My heart's in your hand
I really mean it's yours to hold
Even if it's a fragile fragment
Of stitches and elmer's glue
With glitter just to make it seem
Like it's pretty enough for you to treasure
At day's end
I'll still love you
The same if not more
As I did in the morning
We'll never be strangers
Even when you don't reply
Or forget I exist
We're human
With everything similar
Just forged in different shapes
And painted a variety of colors
Just to add uniqueness
In a world trying to make us the same
Conversations I've had today mixed together.
Mar 11 · 45
You're Young
Time doesn't stand still
Mistakes I've learned from
Lessons I've explored
Diving till I've mastered
Still more remains
Have to keep telling myself
You're still young
Even though you're falling apart
Your seams can still be stitched
Only scars will remain
To tell a story before you leave
Insight to the sculptor
That carved his path
With finger nails
And hammer fists
Mar 11 · 40
Best of Luck
Maybe you'll make it
Farther than expected of me
Even if you fail somewhere
Along those margin lines
Set so oblique by society
I'll remain proud
Within those instances
You'll witness your own growth
Best of luck my precious little girl
Any advice you need
I'll never be far
Always in your heart
Crimson walls
Pixelated pink
Arms out wide
Soothing embrace
Eyes filled with tears
I'll see you in another life
Written on crumpled paper
Held tight in your hands
Final thoughts
Pulsating questions
Why did you leave me
Alone to witness this hell
If I see you in another life
It will be on opposite sides
Of the same spectrum
Dancing thru fields of corpses
Like flowers in full bloom
I can't help but want to chase you
Into the unknown pits of oblivion
Uncertain of what awaits me
When it's my turn to cease
My only desire is
You'll hold my hand
In those final seconds
To greet me on the other side
I just want to sleep but nooo mind says keep writing.
Mar 11 · 31
I Had A Dream
The perfect little family
Him short and stout
A mountain mover
Tattoos and gauges
Her even shorter
A sunset lover
Horror flicks and popcorn
A child with sovereign eyes
Torn between homes
Still a happy family
But I woke up
Empty bed emptier house
Just me and a bottle
With the hope I'll see my little girl
The next time I'm allowed to
Mar 11 · 42
It's Pointless
Chasing affection
Where I'll never deserve it
Seeking gratification
Through a smile
That will never really mean it
High and low
It evades me so perfectly
You'd think love was god
Only answering prayers
To the more fortunate souls
And leaving the lost on read
It's Pointless
This life I try to figure out
Believing where belief
Holds no worth
Hoping when hope
Leads to nothing
Keeping the faith
Despite having nothing to show
For all my devotion
Maybe I'm ungrateful
Oxygen still fills my lungs
Yet pain fills my heart
Is that the price for the air I breathe
It's pointless
So here is my declaration
Independency from my failure soul
I'm giving up
Not going to try anymore
Work, sleep, food
All I'll concern myself with
Take life in strides
That will leave me in a ditch
Rushing full speed
To the six feet that await
I'm over it
Tired of the consistency
Of routine heartache
Just waiting for father time's hands
To align with the stars of my fate
Everything has became
Pencils without lead
Just pointless sticks
Waiting to rot
Or start someone's fire
Kind of a jot down. Minds scrambled this evening. I need a nap.
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