White lives don't matter
Black lives don't matter
Yellow lives don't matter
Blue lives don't matter
Pink lives don't matter
Orange lives don't matter
Rainbow lives don't matter
All lives don't matter
Who the **** cares
Human lives matter
I feel the same depression
You do when your old lady leaves
Or when your old man cheats
I feel the same love
When you look at your children
Or when they call for you
I'm tired of this *******
Feelings are ******
And hostility between blood
Doesn't change the thickness of water
That we continue to pollute
Under this bridge of bonds
We often set fire to
When we lose a feeling
Towards a person of affection
Human
That's what we are
Not colors
Just know when I say
My heart's in your hand
I really mean it's yours to hold
Even if it's a fragile fragment
Of stitches and elmer's glue
With glitter just to make it seem
Like it's pretty enough for you to treasure
At day's end
I'll still love you
The same if not more
As I did in the morning
We'll never be strangers
Even when you don't reply
Or forget I exist
We're human
With everything similar
Just forged in different shapes
And painted a variety of colors
Just to add uniqueness
In a world trying to make us the same

Time doesn't stand still
Mistakes I've learned from
Lessons I've explored
Diving till I've mastered
Still more remains
Have to keep telling myself
You're still young
Even though you're falling apart
Your seams can still be stitched
Only scars will remain
To tell a story before you leave
Insight to the sculptor
That carved his path
With finger nails
And hammer fists

Maybe you'll make it
Farther than expected of me
Even if you fail somewhere
Along those margin lines
Set so oblique by society
I'll remain proud
Within those instances
You'll witness your own growth
Best of luck my precious little girl
Any advice you need
I'll never be far
Always in your heart

Crimson walls
Pixelated pink
Arms out wide
Soothing embrace
Eyes filled with tears
I'll see you in another life
Written on crumpled paper
Held tight in your hands
Final thoughts
Pulsating questions
Why did you leave me
Alone to witness this hell
If I see you in another life
It will be on opposite sides
Of the same spectrum
Dancing thru fields of corpses
Like flowers in full bloom
I can't help but want to chase you
Into the unknown pits of oblivion
Uncertain of what awaits me
When it's my turn to cease
My only desire is
You'll hold my hand
In those final seconds
To greet me on the other side

The perfect little family
Him short and stout
A mountain mover
Tattoos and gauges
Her even shorter
A sunset lover
Horror flicks and popcorn
A child with sovereign eyes
Torn between homes
Still a happy family
But I woke up
Empty bed emptier house
Just me and a bottle
With the hope I'll see my little girl
The next time I'm allowed to

Chasing affection
Where I'll never deserve it
Seeking gratification
Through a smile
That will never really mean it
High and low
It evades me so perfectly
You'd think love was god
Only answering prayers
To the more fortunate souls
And leaving the lost on read
It's Pointless
This life I try to figure out
Believing where belief
Holds no worth
Hoping when hope
Leads to nothing
Keeping the faith
Despite having nothing to show
For all my devotion
Maybe I'm ungrateful
Oxygen still fills my lungs
Yet pain fills my heart
Is that the price for the air I breathe
It's pointless
So here is my declaration
Independency from my failure soul
I'm giving up
Not going to try anymore
Work, sleep, food
All I'll concern myself with
Take life in strides
That will leave me in a ditch
Rushing full speed
To the six feet that await
I'm over it
Tired of the consistency
Of routine heartache
Just waiting for father time's hands
To align with the stars of my fate
Everything has became
Pencils without lead
Just pointless sticks
Waiting to rot
Or start someone's fire

I've left pieces of it
Not sure if the vultures
Picked at it
Leaving me stranded
In this forest of heartache
All I can do is keep going
Follow sunsets
Run from sunrises
At the end of every day
All I seem to do is pray
This crumbled heart Trail
Will either lead me to you
Or feed me to the wolves

Assembly line
Mass production
Clone after clone
The prototype already destroyed
Before I really knew what love was
One soul
Three heart's
4 women
Soul handed over
Sold over a telephone
Crushed and thrown back in my face
Still she owned it
Her signature forever on it
Heart auctioned off
First hand raised
She never owned it
Just passed down to the kid we had
Another heart forged
Somehow all it took was a flight
With a destination not far from me
And a glimpse at each other
But a car wreck was all it took
To shatter what I thought was great
Back to the crafting table
A failed relationship
My hands wiping her tears
Comfort I provided
Happiness I found
When I woke up next to her
Breath of life
All it took to end
Was a whisper of gossip
And the company of a neighbor
It's what I get for falling
It's what I deserve for trying
So till it finds me
I'll play hide and seek
With cupid's stupid little ***
While he's searching for me
In the opposite direction I'll be
**** this little thing called love
For some reason
It keeps me awake at night
Taunting my poetic nerves
Wishing I had space to scream
And a deal with the reaper
Perhaps then my soul and heart
Would be in the hands
Of the same owner
So I wouldn't have to worry
About making another heart
For someone else to shatter

For so long I've hated myself
Overthinking my inadequacy
Setting personal standards
I never could measure up to
I'm not funny
I'm not cute
Just a furry blob
A disgusting existence
Not suited for any level of affection
Never good enough
For anybody or any certain someone
I was wrong
Stuck in the wrong State of mind
I'm more than enough
Profound in all aspects
It's you're standards overly extended
It's they who aren't worthy
To the love that only I can express
My existence is golden
It's your sight that fails
I've allowed negativity
To exceed in it's success
Drowning my self worth out
If I'm not good enough to you
You were never great enough for me
I need 12pm car rides holding hands
2am cuddle sessions
5:45am coffee
6:30am kisses as I'm off to work
Dances with my daughter
Whenever I get home
Rock paper scissors to see who cooks
I'll probably lose on purpose
Just to give her a break
Foot massages with her favorite show
Cold beer just to end the day
Back to the grind
As the rooster crows
I've been in the wrong State of mind
Too long thinking what I saw
Shaking it's head at me in the mirror
Was the one that was right
I'm simple yet complex
If you can't figure that out
It's your loss not mine
I need reasons to be a kid
In between days of adulting
I need "I love you"
With sincerity that melts me
I don't want to be this tungsten wall
Painted to portray a man
Of 1940s ideals
I need a reason to not be scared
To let emotions run rampant
Finally recycling stockpiled toxins
If it isn't you
Maybe I've been in the wrong State of mind
Telling myself you're the one I needed
When I'm the one you don't want

Inhale
Exhale
Fruits of our labor
Hidden in the breaths we take
Fresh
Stale
Nothing seems to explain
The reasons each one matters
Huff
Puff
Pass out from lack of oxygen
Fatigue sets in
Breathe new life into me
With every prayer
Every second I waste
Compliments to my lack of concern
My life is alot like smoke
Once created
Slowly fades into the stars
There only for the addicted
Once obtained
Brutally abused

Old habits die hard
Maybe I'll stop using
I did for a while
3 months sober
Chased that high
When it knocked again
Playing tag with my doorbell
All it took
Was a ding
Crumbling everything I thought
I had under control
Built Fort Knox within Alcatraz
But before you
And the emotions you stir
Limp blades of torn grass
A butterfly heartbeat
Is all it takes
Before it's laid out before you
A quick surrender
With all the wonders of my essence
From ruby thoughts
Sapphire dreams
Diamond heart
Tungsten devotion
To the rarest gem of all
My senseless addiction to you
And how the sound of your voice
Makes the darkest hour
A vibrant second I never noticed
So I chase an endless high
Relapsing
With every thought of you

Will you be ready
Would you be present
Did I matter to you
What was my value
Was I just another hole in your pants
Or a stitch to your seams
When the day comes
What would you do
If I was no longer here

You're right
I was wrong
Yet you don't realize I was right
I've said it so many times
Stuck on repeat
I'm an old vinyl
It can't be helped
That you were scared
Reality is just a perception
It's not a script we follow
It's dialogues and ideas
Mistakes and lessons
I knew you loved me
I still love you
Yet those few words
You uttered into my ear
Desecrated my faith in my heart
I chose the path I took
Simply out of recklessness
Settling for less
When I deserved more at one point
Now I'm excepting
The sum of my worth
Just a divorced dad
Single for all eternity
I couldn't have given you
Anything of worth
We've played scenarios
Created dialogues within our monologue
Changed dreams so many times
They lost their shape
Our version of tag
It's funny now
How even after time passes
We still play it
Maybe one day
We'll stop lying to ourselves
And smile in each other's arms
Or face the version of reality
You're dead set on perceiving
I've announced it so many times
In different ways
Perhaps being blunt
Would be easier to say
I'm madly in love with you
You don't have my heart
You have my soul instead
Through endless heartbreaks
Life threatening seconds
I'm your crazy
Just waiting to be claimed
I guess that's the issue
We always are scared to face
How do we claim each other
When we're world's apart
How do we work
When our lives are already in motion
8 hours ahead and behind


Tag...



I love you

Collection of non collectables
Cellar of my soul
In the penthouse of my existence
Rooms filled
Floor to ceiling
Wall to wall
I'm an emotional distillery
Not one bottle sold
Refusing as they've grown stale
Aging like milk
Bottles to bottles
I'm an avid collector
I'll store these emotions
Till someone comes with a flame
Burning this monstrous mansion
Shattering glass and melting stills
I'm the master of bottled emotions
Entrepreneur of killing myself slow
Connoisseur of fragile humanity
So one after one
I'll bottle till I implode
Becoming an emotional alcoholic
Silently and unseen
Rotting my mind

Walls creaking
Whispering chatter
Rain outside a low rhythm
Razor glistening
Lighters flicker
Everything caving
It's 41° and I'm sweating
Everything moves in warp speed
As I'm stuck in slow motion
Unbearable
Dark thoughts play yoyo
With threads of sanity
I barely saved
I'm lost
Confused
Existing in loneliness
Few more hours
I tell myself to hold on
One slip would all it take
Out the back door
No one would notice
I'd fade quick
STOP
I don't want to listen anymore
It's all I hear
When I'm alone
I'm not safe
Monsters under my bed
Hiding in my closet
They all find me
When I'm left alone
Skeletons reach for me
Rooms shrink
Coffins call me
Fires hold no warmth
Freezers only burn
This tidal wave of anxiety
Licks at my feet
As mudslide avalanches of depression
Give warning to my head
Someone help me
Save me from myself
Before I do it
I don't want to be alone
Not with these voices
Not in these walls
Breath of fresh air
Trees start laughing
Birds giggle
Shadows crawl
World's weighing
Drift me off to sleep
Before it becomes eternal
I don't want this disease
Corroding me
Sulphuric acid to paper
I'm going mad
Everything grows louder
I feel the itch
**** it I'll scratch
Just this once
NO
I don't want to go down that road
Not again
Cast aside all I've worked for
I've clawed and fought
Yet this feeling is overwhelming
Sheetrock pounded to dust
Still ceram wrap to my soul
I'm caged in these emotions
As long as I'm alone
Please comfort me
I'm a child
Lost in the dark
Someone find me
Before I drown in it

Smiles cross your face
Easy as dew drops on morning glories
Worries don't beckon you
In late night hours
Innocence radiates through you
Like sunrise in frosted trees
Little one with the biggest heart
Never grow old
Into a remnant of what I am now
Your path opens up
As my hands bleed
From carving your beginning
Keeping your feet warm
As you'll walk this journey
With wisdom I wasn't given

It's excruciating
Knowing no matter how many times
I plan it out
It's the execution I lack
Courage and stupidity
A blend of bravery
Hints of selfish
So many ways
Yet none scare me
Unlike the aftermath
The act that follows
Will it be sweeter
Or booed
As shouts for my encore raise
Before I step off the stage indefinitely
I'm in no hurry
Yet I don't fight the idea
I find comfort in it's presence
Trying to reach around
A corner that grows longer
I didn't choose to make it this far
I'd rather my next step be my last
Feel air leave my lungs
Watch light fade from my eyes
Yet something is missing
A mission I must fulfill
To gain entry to another life
So I'll play this game of cat and mouse
Till the mouse eats the cat
Finishing off the last of my nine lives

What's so happy about it
Birthday
Valentine's
New year
Holidays
I seen another year
Don't want to
Only have to
There is no need for me
My existence useless
I'm only here for her
To bare my cross
And carry her burdens
Mask the pain of life
Happiness doesnt exist
At least not for me
I've seen glimpses of it
My daughter knows more about it
Then I ever will
If I can keep her smile strong
Depression will die with me
All malicious emotions
She'll never feel
That will be the only glimpse
Happiness will be seen
When I take all this negativity
To the endless abyss of my grave
Or maybe I'll be the reason
She doesn't remember me
And she finds happiness
In the comfort of that

It's even more obvious now
How little I hold of your heart
Even more so your mind
Even though I know
The distractions you face
I honestly don't know why
I even care as much now
As I did back then
We've had these conversations
So many times
Less and less we've showed affection
Why is it you still have a grip on me
It's not like you want me
Or even have a place in your life
For me and the path I've chosen
When it's in the opposite direction
You want to travel
I've given up so many times
Still held hope
Useless as it was and is
I can't seem to chase it
That fantasy of love anymore
No one compares to you
The standards you set
Some came close
Yet failed me
When I failed to show emotion
The very ones I've vaulted
Locked away and melted the key
Destroyed all traces of the code
I don't want to feel anymore
Always hopeless attempts
Failure on both sides
Why is it my life my heart
Is devoted so hard to you
I'll davy jones this *****
If I had the mystical powers to
Cast aside all humanity
Sail the in-between
Bury opposition in watery graves
I'm sick from my heart
Rotting my mind
Infected with depression
Knowing expectations are never met
And all I want is to feel
As if I'm worth saving from myself
By the hands of someone
Who genuinely loves me
Beyond a shadow of a doubt

I no longer see this world
In black or white
Even though I'm color blind
It's pixelated
My graphics card is going out
I don't want to see it
This battery bar
Depleted with every wire cut
My point of view
Is from a hole I dig
Deeper down
Seeing where it'll go
Opinions unpopular
Conversations hindered
By one word or two
Found so blasphemously offensive
Does any of it matter
Do any of us matter
Scattering around as atoms collide
We aren't the foundation
To the secrets of youth
We're only obstacles
In each other's way
Collateral damage
When cross hairs pull triggers
Our game of chess
Consist of more kings then pawns
Each only moving once
In only one direction
Unsure if either way
Won't be checkmate
My point of view
Solely that of uncertainty
Watching scenery as it's painted
With the tainted virtues
Of our benevolent race

The repair of my mind
is not as easy as it once was.
I am broken. Longing to be fixed. Longing to be able to heal myself. Working slowly day by day to heal another piece that has grown
gray with lack of light.
Fading to black I fear
Duct tape and super glue
Only holds the fragments
Of this mirror mind
Reflecting constant strain
Emotions
Pulled tugged stressed
Mentally damaged
Spider webbing to my heart
I can't take much more
I need an escape
A back door to these fractures
I endure falling
Trying to capture
Juggling before they shatter further
Gashes open up
My insides are slowly showing
Mental becomes physical
Only so much I can hide
Spotlighted to those who know me best
Foreshadowed to others who don't
This picture show of horror
Generating more fears
How do I ask for help
When it's becoming too much for me
Alone I thought I could handle this
Face my demons
I now know
I need a bigger monster
To keep me from being consumed
And if I'm still to fall
I won't have done it alone
I'll call it a victory
If someone could love me
In those final seconds

I love you
Yet I hate it
The butterflies when you smile
In my direction
The sensation of puking
When it's meant for someone else
I'm in love with a friend
Yet I want to **** it so badly
If this heart skips one more time
I'll use tannerite to replace it
You looked away when I needed you
Solid as roman architecture
I stood, for you to lean upon
Embraced you as tears fell
Faster than your heart
As he pushed you away
We've had our ups and downs
Ignoring each other
Hoping for feelings to decay
Yours I believe rotted
While mine refuse to die
Still you turn to me
For I'm always there
Waiting for you to slip
Only to cushion the fall
I love how I hate my mind
As it wanders back to you
And every smile I despise
When your name touches my lips
I hate how I love you
I love how I hate my feelings
One has to go
Before my mind I force to blow
It's killing me
Knowing right now
You neither need me or want me
Probably because I'll only cloud
An already foggy mind
I've confessed so many ways
None you'll hear about
You don't know how deep this goes
This cellar of emotional bottles
With and entire wall
Dedicated to how much I hate
Absolutely loving you
For everything you are and could be
I saw potential an us
Now I only see me
Looking through icy windows
Frostbite nipping
As the warmth of your heart
Will never be mine to enjoy
I hate that I've accepted this
I love how you don't know
So I'll fill another bottle
While emptying a real one
Swap pain for drunkenness
Disperse the feelings I have
Leaving only cobwebs and bottles
To age and be forgotten
Till another poor soul
Tries to enter my cellar soul

Dead in this existence
Growing more futile
With every punch I throw
Why the sad faces
Why the tears
You didn't notice me before
Overlooked so easily
Slowly killing myself
Burying my pain at the hearth
Short comings I'll have no one to blame
But my own selflessness
Me
Why do I do it to myself
Fall in love with women
I know will never love me
The way I want to love them
Why do I give the world
So many opportunities to **** me
I'm a product of misfortune
Designated punching bag
To the world around me
Object of self torture
I endure with a smile
But despise behind closed doors
It's inhuman to have this many
Self destructive tendencies
From love to loyalty
From kindness to caring
I want to be over it
See ******* more
Look you in the face and watch you hurt
Instead of me
I've already accepted
I'll be alone for the remainder of my time
So when I ask why me
Know it's not a question
But a statement as the reason
Why I do the things that I do need

Call it rambling
Emotional poker chips
I'm tired of gambling
My heart's turning dark
Ace of spades
Feels like I can't do it
Yearning for it
Scared of it
What would happen
How would it play out
Who would miss me first
The most
Who'd ask who I was
As they drop me in the hole
How many tears would fill
Eyes I've dried so many times
How many wouldn't shed one
Is this the defeat before the surrender
Will I go out like a viking
Longboat and fire sails
Perhaps a slave
Tossed into concrete
Making city walls stronger
How would it look
How many noted do I leave behind
Who'd read them anyway
I'm tired of it all
Someone's gotta know
I'm dying inside
And nothings saving me
Thoughts getting louder
Body's itching
Minds racing
It's dysfunction all around
Maybe I need sleep
See if that helps
Any longer I can't promise anything

I'd like to wake up
Without dread in my mentality
No worries as the hours tick by
Will today be for the diary
Or skipped pages
Lost into memory
Filed deep behind vault doors
Just once would be nice
A decent vehicle
I don't have to kick
In the tail pipe just to start
A bed my own
Fool I became
Auctioning it off for heartache
Just once would be nice
To not feel like I was dropped
Nine too many times as an infant
Replacing blondes with handicap stickers
As I keep trying to be an epic human
Maybe a match and kerosene
Scrub brush and bleach
I can start all over
On a cleaner slate
Just once is all I'm asking
One opportunity to just say *******
To everyone I don't know
Stop trying to be a friend to a stranger
When strangers keep daggers
Strapped to every ankle
Waiting for your back to turn
Just once
Please God one time
I'll do it right
I'll erase past mistakes
And finally enjoy happiness my way

Make your own he said
In then out
Good to bad
Bad to good
When does it balance out
Attempt after attempt
Wishful thinking
Optimism stretched
How do you make luck
What's the recipe
The secret ingredient I'm missing
I've ran through my seasons
Written down each amount
Tried again using more and less
I'm no 5star Michelin chef
Only a home cook
Aspiring to create a dish
My family and me can enjoy
For the remainder of our days
Passing on the recipe I've acquired
Is it wrong it's not my life
I don't want to change anymore
I don't wish for anything else
Only the life I dream
For the ones who helped me
Get this far in my life
Even when they don't know
The wars I've fought alone
I'm simply a general
Wishing to feed his army
So they can become another's sword
When the firing squad receives me
Luck they say
Four leaf clovers
Mythical pots of gold
Awaiting at rainbows end
Riddles to be solved to obtain it all
So riddle me this
Where does luck come from
When luck is only a perception

Those were your words
As I fell mute
Afraid to inform you
The darker side of me
You must have overlooked
I've never put myself first
I'll never be fair to myself
I'll put a world eager to destroy me
Behind me knowing pain
Is my only reward
I'd rather hurt
Weigh the burden
Just to see someone smile
True I want happiness
Something I'll never obtain
Yet in the glimpse of someone's smile
Their momentary happiness
Knowing they had someone
Ward off one second of pain
I share with them
So in my selfishness
Of wanting you
Despite your desire
To not have a family
In my unfairness to myself
For finding happiness
My daughter cannot give me
Solely through you
I can't help loving you
And maybe it's pointless
An utter waste of your time
You'll dispute me till the end
Finding another excuse
To not give me a chance
Ignoring how you feel
Because you wouldn't have asked
If you didn't feel something
You want something
But can't figure it out
You wouldn't have kept answering
And maybe that's why you fell silent
Scared of whatever it was
Resurfacing abruptly
Do you really want me to come
Show my face
And make you feel it even deeper
Or are you wanting the verification
That there couldn't be anything
To ever transpire between us
You're quick to tell me
What it is you don't want
When that's everything I am
But it's not what you want
That you inform me of
Is it because you believe
I could possibly be that as well
Is the idea of having any sort
Of affection towards me
Truly that terrifying
I could be reading this wrong
Trying to understand this
Self justification session
I go through
To ease my own pain
That I know follows
My destructive tendency
I use as an armor
Unprescribed antidepressants
Keeping me from what I know
To be an inevitable action
No amount of therapy can stop
I'll never be fair to myself
I'll sell myself short
To make someone else richer
I'm a victim to my own design
In that end my demise
Trying to take on a persona
That wants to face the rapture
And conquer it for another
Sorry my thoughts are all over
I have no excuse
Me just being my usual
Insane self
Figuring out a dialogue
I have no answers for
All I can say
Is it's fair of me
To be unfair to myself
Finding everything to love
In someone
That won't love me back
No matter how much I confess
Or how long I do
Simply because I let myself
Slip away from you once
For these very same questions
This is our form of tag
With me chasing you
And you evading me
Every time I get
Slightly closer than before

Doesn't creep through blinds
Watch me from afar
Tail me with headlights in my rearview
It's in the back of my mind
Under my feet
When either the sun and moon
Decide to shine on me
My Stalker watches through eyeball lenses
Play by play
First person reality
Telling me to do it
Reaches for the knife
When the lights go out
Long after the sandman visits
*** drugs cigarettes coffee alcohol
I can't shut him out
Or lock him away
There is no prison
To where I can incarcerate him
I'll never be safe
And that's fine by me
Death finally has her sights on me
I'm ready to go home
Back to the hour glass
Lost in the sands of time

It's become a tradition
Good days bad days
Good weather bad weather
No matter the season
A few cups of coffee later
My focus has returned
Cigarette will follow
A short walk in the cold
You on my mind
A life I'll never have
Her my future
No one seems to be apart of
I'm truly alone
Even though I hate it
I've grown accustomed to it
I know I'll have these small cups
As a constant reminder
It's the small things in life
I either enjoy now
Or envy later on

"All that we are arises with our thoughts"

Pondering on this
Over and over I read it
I feel a connection
Yet dumbfounded I remain
Why does this grasp me
So diligently in my head
The constant thoughts
Worthless
Pathetic
Waste
Hopeless
Reckless
Crazy
Angry
D­epressed
List growing with every
Once over I do
Of this tiny piece of paper
Sick
Drunk
Loving
Images of my face in the mirror
I look away in disgust
Is this who I've become
Was this where I saw myself as a child
When teachers asked where I saw myself
Is this what they wanted to avoid me
From ever becoming
Did they at some point
Walk this very path of self doubt
Did I not heed their warnings
Is this my destiny
Reading a fortune cookie scripture
Confirming the thoughts in my head
Have I gone to far into my depression
To believe it to be true
Scared
Weak
Insignificant
Better off dead
Father
How did this happen to me
What pushed me to this point
Did I fail myself trying to succeed
In an area of expertise
I was never qualified to be involved in
I tested waters of love
Found quick sand on the shores surrounding
Up to my throat grasping
For the remaining a breaths
I'll have in my life
What am I really chasing
If happiness can't be found
Let alone obtained
I'm tired of these back and forth
Chess games I play with my sanity
Slipping even further past no return
I'm struggling to see
Where my life could be
What it should be
When all I see is
Who I am now
Feeble
Stressed
Anxious
Alone
I can't make it through my life
With only one aspect to it
That I cling to for dear life
My daughter
How can I be anything she's proud of
When I'm a failure
Succeeding only in that
Given opportunities I'm blind to
I'm sick of this heart
Too big for my chest
I want to lay it to rest
I'm tired of this mind
Too dysfunctional to organize
My potential I want to realize
I can't do it alone
But hallways don't echo silence
Ears fall deaf to mute tongues
Touch doesn't reach to numb hands
Lost
"All that we are arises with our thoughts"
And with that I know
I'll never amount to anything
Past where I am now
No matter how hard I strive
What I do
Where I go
Or whom I'm with
I am exactly who I think I am
For I'm the only one that knows
The treachery of my thoughts

One turns into three
They add up
Stockpiling corpses of cardboard boxes
Butts in ashtrays still smoldering
Ash fills my lungs
As I chase nerve endings
Why won't they stop vibrating
Straight lines turned to circles
I'm going crazy
Staring at blank paper
I want to fill with my emotions
Cigarettes draining my pocket
Faster than my hands can my heart
Encased in this tomb of black
Lungs suffocating in soot
Convincing my liver it should rot
Easily married the fire and alcohol
Tag team duo
Hell bent on decaying me inside out
So what if my insides die
I'll finally be whole
Deceased inside and out
Face removed of emotion
Heart filled to the brim
One more cigarette and I'll finish this out
Disgusting in all its essence
I just need the fix
To ease my racing nerves
Before anxiety causes metal to twist
High speed chase
Nicotine or anxiety
Which will **** me first

I have my answer
The ghost town inbox
The deserted road to my ear
But in light of my selfishness
I don't blame you
I didn't want to lose you
Yet it seems to be a trend
That has to come to a close
I've loved you for so long
I was willing to become playdough
Molding into a shape suitable
For your pleasure and not mine
Only the satisfaction
Of knowing I was in your grasp
Was truly enough for me
You made your point
It really wouldn't work between us
I didn't want to let go
And that seems to be another issue
I've failed to realize in myself
My mind's a constant theatre
Getting lost in the scenes
Plays of fiction
So realistic I fooled myself
Into hoping for anything
Chasing down a rabbit hole
With illusions of light
At every bend
Even when I was the sculptor
To these caverns of myth
So I assume
This silence you hold
Is the decision you've made
I've lost you so many times before
It hasn't gotten any easier
So I'll commit to it
The slowest form of suicide
And live loving for the last time

****
It
****
Happens

It's the motto I live by
Knowing I'll never be or do
Anything good enough
To the standards of others
But if I'm content
**** don't matter to me
That's all the justification
You'll get from me

Single
Engaged
Married
Separated
Divorced
**** it all
Done it lived it
I'm married to myself
Four walls and a roof
Steady job steadier pay
A beautiful little girl
I really don't need much else
Sure the comfort of her body
Late in the hours of dusk
Would make me smile more
But what's one less smile
When the pits of hell
Are preheating to roast my soul
**** a relationship status
I want happiness before I die
God knows I won't get it
Devil laughs at me for chasing
I'd rather chase my own tail
Then fight a losing war
Where even if I happen to win
I'll die unsatisfied
Knowing I sacrificed the parts of me
I loved the most
Because I'll never be good enough
The way I am now

United we stand
Divided we fall
Yet around every corner
Someone holds your hand
On the first few blocks
Then throws you to the wolves
On the last two
Expecting your ideals
To measure up
To the person who it will matter to
When you're after your dream
Why is it relevant anymore
This political game of chess
We play with lives and the future
It's only human to step
On your **** once in a while
And trip over your *****
But I don't need your criticism
Or enlighten expectations
Demanding me to be better
Then the next person
We're all chasing different dreams
Fighting for a world
We all see differently
With overlapping points
That seem to disagree with another's
I've never seen a perfect person
Glorious in presence, mind, and soul
I've seen only failures
That aim to be better then before
Or giving up because that's all they know
Don't force your ideals
We all have the same goal
Survive and make life easier
For the seeds we plant
To help the planet flourish

I wish I could go back in time
Tell you all the things I learned
At the time I wrote this
Remember that poem you wrote me
When we were just a young dumb
Teenage kid trying to figure life out
That never changed unfortunately
Just got older
Even more responsibilities
Remember how badly you wanted a family
All to yourself
Do all the things your mom and dad
Didn't do with you
Relive some of those memories
The pleasant ones you did have
You had the opportunity
But you chased that dream
With the wrong girl
The only victory reward you got
Was that beautiful little girl
We named before we even had her
The compliments of how beautiful
Her smile and energy is
Really baffles me
I know she didn't get it from her mom
Even though me and you tried
We still can't measure up
To how awesome she is
I wanted to thank you
That younger version of myself
For not taking your life
Even though it was a constant option
We fought nearly everyday
And now to the older version of me
I hope when you read this
If ever you get the opportunity
I'm sorry
For being so reckless
With the life younger me
Fought to save
7 car wrecks
Broken bones and titanium rods
A house you rent
With your closest friend
We might not have had anything then
But slowly we've moved up
I won't stop living
Even though the option is there
I still fight it from time to time
Just like being able to see
That precious little smile
Calling for her daddy
I can't promise you tomorrow
All I can do
Is hope by the time you read this
We've gotten more of what we wanted
What we really needed
And I know the me now
Doesn't want love
Yet I hope it found you
Pulling you further away
From the abyss
We found ourselves in today
That tattoo on your right hand
A tribute to younger us
A reminder for older us
We're just one memory away
From never existing
And hey Rob
Quick little side note
Even as much as I hate us
I still love us
For the friends we made along the way
Tell them a younger version of you
Said hello and thanks for sticking around
Through all the crazy dumb ****
We seem to have gotten away with

I've wished upon you countless times
Knowing my wish
May never reach your light
Perhaps you've been burned out
Granting too many other wishes
Selfish in their desires
But I pray for your well being
Knowing before your obituary is published
You'll have watched me live and die
More times than you'll have been wished upon

I feel the early signs of death
The coldness in my limbs
The stillness of my blood
As my heart gives up
The pain falling numb
Darkness engulfing me
As deaths luxurious cloak
Cascades my soul
The easement of my worries
As no light received me
Knowing I did all that I could
To keep my head above the undertow
This time I won't fight the current
Let high tide take me
Far out to this oceanic depression
Let the world consume me
And so it begins
My descent into nothing
I fought for too long

Hey, I know it's been a long time
But have you ever wondered
Where we could have been
If the things we've done never happened
If the path that drove us apart
Never opened up
Would there have been an us
How would that have looked
Where would we grow
Because I know every home
Needs a garden to grow in
Would everything I ever wanted
Came true with you as the sculptor
Would you have all your dreams
Been set in stone by my hands
I've overanalyzed my past
The possibilities that never saw light
Sorrow fills my soul
Because I see the greatness
That could have been
So I write what I said then
That altered our reality
To a future that is our present
Two sides of opposite coins
Of opposing currency
Yet the needs of my heart
Compel me to still say it
I love you
Not once have I ever stopped
Yet I've started to dislike it
The questions I know the answers to
Even the ones I hate to ask myself
When those are the ones
With endless outcomes
I hate to admit it
But I only see one outcome anymore
Me growing old
Loving a woman
That will never be mine
Giving and receiving affection
To others I won't care for nearly as much
So do I write these hopes off
Pass thru life
Under the radar
And void of attention
Could it really be
I've become weary of emotions
Aching from all the breaks
Thinking each time could be the last
Knowing in my gut
There will be no such thing
I didn't mean to bother you
I was just wondering
Did you do the same
Have the same thoughts
Or maybe I was alone in that
I know the feelings
You may have once had
Are colder than ice
At the bottom of a glacier
But I've been wrong before
And that's a comforting feeling
Because it's something I'm not used to
So without holding you
Any further than intended
I wanted to tell you
One more time
Before I never got the chance
Or even the courage to again
Sincerely yours

I miss the old days
The days I spent not worrying
My happiness not walking on eggshells
Failure wasn't a concern
Now it's all I seem to do
Catastrophically failing at life
Slipping into a darkness
I've feared since the first grade
Knowing all too well my fate loomed
Eagerly awaiting the moment
I failed at all the right things
Eagle to my rathole heart
Insurmountably falling prey
To the demons I created
And failed to drown
Not realizing they learned to swim
I miss the old days
Reminiscing only for the sake of sanity
Reliving the happiness
Even for a second
Before reality slaps me cold
Hopes of living it in the moment
Growing desolate

Depression antagonizing anxiety
Questioning my position
Too far from Heaven
God can't reach me
Too lost in the dark
The devil can't find me
Hopes for happiness
An irrelevant fantasy
Dreams of love
Become phantasmal
Yet the yearning for the warmth
An addictive pain
Overly satisfying desire
Am I worth it
I know I'm not worth
The lead in the chamber
The price of the rope
The bleach or the shovel
Or the memory of a sidewalk stain
Not worth the sway of second hands
Or the hands I want to hold
I've become nothing
Worth nothing
Scrounging for attention and success
Hoping someone would see in me
What I can't see in myself
Growing ever so deeply in hatred
Towards myself
Knowing the tendencies I have
The habits I've formed
Trying to protect myself
From a world dead set
On destroying me
Only to realize it succeeded
In more ways
Than what I was prepared for
Questioning myself every hour
What am I worth
When all I have is the love
Of a little girl
Barely knowing who I am
Eating at myself
For allowing it to be like this
Knowing nothing I could have done
Would have stopped this from happening
In just another form it would have taken
What am I worth
Someone please tell me
Give me a straight answer
Show me I'm not wandering
Aimlessly into an abyss
Recklessly living just for nothing
Something has to add up
When will the things I desire in life
Come to fruition
Without having to struggle
To fight not only the world
But myself included

I feel it deeper than my soul
A void growing larger than an abyss
Ravaging constantly
A mindset I reject
Trying with all my essence
To grip to the hope
One little smile will be what will save me
What will keep my nails dug
Into canyon walls
I want to keep climbing
Chasing clouds
I want to fade into the blue
Yet gravity holds me
Pulling me at me harder
As muscles wear thin
Exhaustion setting in
Safety rope long ran out
Still I climb
Still I set my sights on the horizon
Just over the edge
The only constant
Is the faith others have in me
That keeps strength in a broken spirit

Ritual circles drawn
Sacrificing all I had
In talents long gone
Gave it all up
Inspiration fading
Who am I now
Without pen and paper
A pencil without lead
Blank canvases fill my head
Artistry I sacrificed
Just to find love
Only finding the devils smile
Smirking at the joy
Of watching me wither in pain
I have nothing left
Too much lost
And I feel it all over again
Losing what little I held on to
Falling on the knife
Slitting the throat of my creativity
Bleeding it dry in every moment
I stay stuck in this ritual
Of self destructive tendencies
Is there no escape
Can I find my inspiration
Without knowing who I am
Little by little
I lose more of what I knew
All that helped me cope
With everything around me
My world of fantasy
No longer an image I can draw
No longer the words I write
Too much lost
And nothing gained
Someone tell me how
How do I get it all back
When it's been lost for too long

I'm not the god I thought I was
Reckless beyond all hope
Dodging more bullets than *******
Expecting concrete to be soft
Laying my life on the line
Thinking it was a safe bet
Adrenaline pumping pushing myself
Over every ledge I climbed
I may be the master of my own creation
Yet nowhere did I master my own emotion
Gambling feelings like poker chips
Life's own currency
Wasted on one night stands
Sipping the cup of life
Toxic in all its flavor and aroma
Stressed when my heart pockets are empty
Checks bouncing as I dance from girl to girl
Dinner dates and movie tickets
I've wasted my own prescious resource
Mining for a gem
Fooled by gold's luster
I don't want to die this way
Collecting debt with my sanity
Worrying the wealth I have left
Will be stolen from me again
I'd rather invest in my own goals
Mine for the strength to see myself
Without smoke and mirrors
So here's the only safe bet
Guaranteed to win
One quick glance in the mirror
Straighten the tie
Smile
I know I'm going to win
As long as my faith remains in myself

Fragrance of a million angels
Fills my nose when I held you
Weight of a bluejay feather
Brushed my lips when ours met
It wasn't love I chased
It was knowing you would be there
In my arms and on my lips
It wasn't addiction that kept you
In my presence
I fell asleep tracing your body
When it wasn't my bed you filled
Late hours I forgot
Wondering if our lips would meet again
That human side I almost rejected
Lost when I showed you my intentions
Every hour that's passed
One less conversation we've had
Was it even real
Or did I fantasize
All those hugs and kisses
Feelings of butterflies
Like middle school crushes
I didn't want to wake from that dream
Yet here I am staring at a ceiling
Wishing I could fall asleep
And find that same dream
Holding on to you
Kissing as the sun danced on the river
High enough view
Where you could see the city
Where I saw you on a canvas
I'm sorry I miss it
Every moment I spent with you
Was every memory I wanted to have
You were the drug
Numbing my pain
I'm just an addict
Wanting to forget that I exist
Every hug another needle
Every kiss another high
Every whisp of your fragrance
Enticing me to indulge
I don't want to lose it
So why did you wake me up

Tires squealing
Rubber meets asphalt
Melting into each other
As the motor still revving
Steering wheel cuts
Blackout
Metal to metal
An explosion ensues
Parts flying body's like ragdolls
Bones break skin
Glass shatters splintering bodies
How did we survive this torrent of chaos
His ankle breaks
Her body whiplashed
My leg  snaps
Concussion to severe to even remember
Even one act that took place
EMT telling me emergency surgery
Then hospital lights dim
And I'm awake wondering
How the **** did I get here
Panic sets
Questions boiling
Telephone doesn't dial itself
Is everyone alright
Yeah you were the worst
Thank God
Glad everyone's safe and alive
But I don't see how I am
Car twisted driver side caved
Windshield barely there
And I walk away on one leg
Whatever reason I have to live
I better hurry and live up to it
Before I **** myself putting 80 on the dash

Dreams always on the back burner
Friends always there
Family too close to care
I've always chased what I couldn't have
Always within reach
But missed by fingertip kisses
I've chased love and a relationship
Not Petty puppy love
But the real thing
Always chasing never chased
Even with her so close
Constantly too far
Am I making the right move
Trying to grasp something
I'm never meant to hold
I see my priorities
I have them accounted for
Yet what I've always wanted
Stays centimeters from me
Too far to chase
Too exciting to ignore
I always fall before I know the risk
My only reward another fracture in my soul
Stomach too twisted to care
Heart too cold to hold on
Am I just chasing shadows
Or is there a body
Casting the silhouette of my dreams
With her curls and fragile frame
Smile that echoes a thousand heartbeats
Eyes that fuel infernos
Too bright to not be afraid of
Her attitude too perfect not to adore
Maybe I'm not sane
Chasing what I know I can't have

Is it wrong
These feelings I feel
Hopelessly unreciprocated
Stuck in this black hole
Longing for your touch
On every heart string
Words I cling onto
Cliffs I scale every night
Before I dream of holding your hand
Is it delusional
How I think
Eventually there will be an us
I'm sorry I can't stop these feelings
I honestly don't want to
It's you I think of
Whether I'm with her
Or with another
I plaster your face on my eyelids
God's perfect sculpture
Ask me why I couldn't tell you
Every feeling I feel
Wrecking ***** to my chest
On every breath
If I died I want it carved on my headstone
The feelings I feel for you
My one desire
The bone chilling fire
That makes me wake up
When I know you're not around
Even in these messages
I pray to see you say hello in
Ask me why now
My answer remains the same
It's you I spend my life daydreaming about
The wind in your hair
Your eyes piercing my soul
The way you smell
Annihilating my senses
Overwhelming me with joy
Bc I'm that close to you
Is it wrong for me to feel this way
I don't care
I'd never want to be right if it was

Day in day out
Constant thumping in my chest
Headlights wrapped around the tree limbs
Of her well being
Is she happy
Does she miss me
She's all I think about
What steps do I take
To speed up this process
How do I convince a judge
What he/she is looking at
Isn't the monster they make me out to be
I'd never harm my daughter
Never issued I'll will against them
But every step is excruciating
Bc it puts me another week
Without her smile
Without her laugh
Without her hugs
I'm loosing faith
I'll ever see her again
But I keep preparing
Keep my head in the game
Knight to E4
This game of chess is brutal
Strategizing against lawyers
Decisions hardly my own
Why do they keep doing this
Petty notions just to see me behind bars
All I want is to see my daughter
Tickle her and Chase her around
Play hide and go seek
Peek-a-boo behind corners
Play tag till my feet hurt
She's all I think about
She's my daughter
And they robbed her from me
The only joy I had in this life
The only reason I kept breathing
Now oceans of bills
Unnecessarily weighing on me
Immature in all it's nature
This game they play isn't fair
It's emotional homicide
Using my daughter as the weapon
Knowing she's my only weakness
Yet I know she's my greatest strength

Count down begins
Will 3 walls of cement hold me
While the 4th only let's me ponder
On what's on the other side
Will the judges hammer
Find me innocent
To the slandering allegations
Or will I be trapped
Cage gerbil questioning my existence
Will I be free
To see my little girl
To talk to the best woman I've ever known
Feel the comfort of my own bed
Taste mom's home cooking
Smell the wild flowers
When I go 70 pass them
What will the outcome be
When the severity of it all
Is so overwhelming
You wonder what's the point of fighting
When all anyone sees
Is the tattoos and gauges
Criminal line up
Guilty before evidence denies
I'm the villian
Even if I was gone for the day