When I built a time machine, I traveled back to 1977 and gave my younger self a hard smack.
When I was a child, I bought the Star Wars action figures and removed them from their packs.
I told my younger self not to do that because it ruins the value of the dolls.
Even though I traveled back in time, he ignored me, he didn't listen at all.
He continued to remove the figures from the packs and so I traveled back in time again.
This time I took a gun with me and I got so angry that I shot my younger self in the shin.
I begged him not to remove the figures from the packs but he ignored every word.
He told me to f* off and then the little ******* gave me the bird.
He thought I was bluffing and he left me with no choice but to pull the trigger.
That bullet was painful enough to convince him not to ruin the value of my figures.
That bullet is still in my shin and when I sit down, it really hurts and I cry like a little *****.
But it's worth it because a collector paid me $1,000,000 for my figures and now I'm rich.

Because of my upbringing and education, I'm a man who has substance and class.
But nobody will believe that if they learn that I have a hairy ***.
I have hair sticking out of my **** crack and hair on my **** cheeks.
I'm afraid that this information will be discovered and posted on Wikileaks.
People must never discover my secret, nobody can know.
And if they discover my terrible secret, they will have to go.
Yes you heard me right, when it comes to preserving my secret, I'm prepared to ****.
When it comes to my secret being discovered, I must make certain that it never will.
My sheepdog has less hair on his entire body than I have on and sticking out of my ****.
Don't you dare reveal mt secret to people or I'll come to your house and you will get cut.
I have an awesome job that pays over a million dollars each year.
But if people learn about my hairy ***, I can say goodbye to my career.
My wife has agreed to keep my secret but she complains and we bicker.
I shaved my *** a couple of times but when it grew back, it was even thicker.
My *** is hairy and my wife looks and smells like Jabba the Hutt.
Nobody can ever know that I have an extremely hairy ****.

It was a meal that my late mom cooked but it sure didn't please.
Every New Year Day, Mom cooked hog jowls and black-eyed peas.
I always ate it but it was something that I didn't enjoy at all.
I would've rather had pizza, Domino's was who I should've called.
I don't have to eat those meals anymore and it sets my mind at ease.
Thank God that I no longer have to eat hog jowls and black-eyed peas.

Prohibition began one hundred years ago in the USA.
People had their right to drink ***** taken away.
This made people unhappy and they began to whine.
And this caused Al Capone to start peddling moonshine.
Capone was evil and because of him, people were killed.
On December 5 1933, the 18th Amendment was repealed.
People were very happy because prohibition came to an end.
They were as giddy as school girls to have the right to drink again.

At midnight tonight, the second decade of the twenty-first century will be no more.
At midnight tonight, the third decade of the twenty-first century will be what's in store.
At midnight tonight, billions of people will welcome and celebrate the new year.
At midnight tonight, some will celebrate with champagne and others will celebrate with beer.
At midnight tonight, it will be the first day of 2020 and the first day of January.
At midnight tonight, give your wife some razor blades because her legs are hairy.

My Wife looks like she's pregnant but she's just fat.
People have been congratulating her and she hates that.
My father yelled "Woo Wee!" because he thought he was going to be a granddad.
But when he thought she was pregnant, she saw red because she was so mad.
She shaved his head bald and then she beat the crap out of him.
And when others congratulate her, she does the same to them.
Half of the people in my town are wearing bandages and they're bald.
She makes people pay because being pregnant isn't what she likes to be called.
People run because I'm living in a town that has been gripped by fear.
She did the same thing to a man that is done to a bull to make it a steer.
Please don't ask her if she's going to have a daughter or a son.
Because if you do, she'll get ****** and you will have to run.

When I asked my wife what I was getting for Christmas, she kicked me in the *****.
That wasn't what I wanted for Christmas, that wasn't what I wanted at all.
When she kicked me down there, she said "Merry Christmas, mother f*".
When it came to choosing a good wife,I really blew it, I sure was a sucker.
I learned that she had taken out a million dollar life insurance policy on me.
It was the night before Christmas and my wife put rat poison in my tea.
But I had already found the insurance policy and I poured the tea down the drain.
I had the ***** committed, she'll be wearing a straight jacket for Christmas because I had her declared insane.
When she kicked me in the nuts, it gave her pleasure when she saw me fall.
When I asked what I was getting for Christmas, I got a swift kick in the *****.