My Dad asked me a question today
"What do you think your calling in life is?"
"Death" was my first thought
I couldn't think of an appropriate answer
This has left me confused
Because death is not a calling
Death is a result that happens after you fulfill your calling
I don't understand my head
My head wants to die.
I don't think it's okay
But I don't have much of a choice
I need to find a new calling

the last rose
the shattered rose
ripped apart
petals scattered
he loves me
he loves me not
she has been trying
attempting
to put this back together
to reattach the petals
thread staples glue
the flower is a mess
because once a flower dies
it won't grow anymore
but this doesn't stop her from trying
she waters it with salt water
streaming from her eyes
its an impossible task
but she wont accept reality
he killed the relationship
he killed her

YOU destroyed me
you shoved a knife in my back and didn't care when I screamed
I put needles of color in my arms
I chopped my hair
Dyed it black
Because you made me feel like ****
You made me feel like death
I need someone to pull out this knife
I have to sleep on my side now
The sharp edge scrapes my spine
It's infecting my head
You left
But your scar tissue will live on
I am glad you're gone.

my head scares me
yelling at myself in the car
I am so done
hitting the steering wheel over and over
I am losing it
salt water dripping down cheeks
food
food
food
makes
me hate
myself
it all comes
back to how
I am the problem
why feed the problem
starve the problem
its your choice
fat or thin?
I have so much to be grateful for
I dont know why I feel like this
I am fat
I'm just done

dear friend
I dont know who you are
I dont know why I am sending this to you
but I need someone to know
I need someone to understand
that I'm broken glass
I just need to get rid of myself
throw myself away
you may never know who I am
and thats okay
I want to die
It has nothing to do with you
I just miss being a child
I miss finding joy in small things
I miss my puppy
I miss being okay
I think if I die I wont miss all these things so much
Im sorry im so self absorbed
I say "I" too much
"be a normal 18 year old, go have fun"
people keep leaving
I keep trying to be friends with people
Why do people hate me
normal is nonexistent
I hate myself.
I am getting bad again
the kind of bad where I dont eat for three days
the kind of bad where I stay up in the night to slice my paper skin
but also the kind of bad where I wake up and act like I am just peachy
I am not peachy
I am sliced in half
I am not whole anymore
I'm a fraction
I am worthless
I can't do this anymore
thanks friend for listening
you will probably throw this away
I wish you could throw me away too
sincerely,
me

6 years old
loves barbies
plays outside
learning to ride a bike
shes getting taller

9 years old
loves chapstick flavors
walks outside
rides her bike everywhere
she is the tallest in her class

14 years old
loves mascara
runs outside to burn off the cupcake
bike sits alone
she is the biggest in her class

16 years old
loves black
runs lines down her arms, she doesnt see the sun
she drives around for hours thinking about everything but nothing
she is shrinking

18 years old
loves loneliness
runs and runs and runs from herself
she drives around hoping that she will be strong enough to make it home
she is breaking
slowly

20 years old
loves skipping meals
goes running until she feels like she's going to pass out, then runs another mile
she drives around thinking about her suicide attempt and thinks about heading home
she doesn't even know if home is a place or a feeling or if its real
lines going up her thigh now because she found out that wrists make people worry

people don't understand the process of self destruction
it started a long time ago
and it will never end
until she does.

It's been a year since I was really bad
I was on the edge of falling
I cleaned up my act
I started taking meds
I ate more
I cried less
I slept
I became numb to everything
It felt like I was living in a dream
My brain was empty
I hated it
I got fat
I lost control
I started making excuses
So then I stopped taking the meds
It does crazy stuff to your head when you stop cold turkey
Suicide was all that was on my mind
But I decided that I would rather be honest with myself
and feel what I'm feeling
Instead of masking my mind everyday
My aunt avoided her mind
Stacked her body full of pills
She stopped eating
Now she weighs 85 lbs and her kids have to watch her
I don't want to be like that
I would rather be dead
This isn't really a poem
More of a rant
I just want to die
And I decided that
It's actually okay to feel like that.
I'm getting bad again.

Playing a song on repeat
The same thing
Over and over
You play on repeat
Nasty words
Hard punches
Over and over
I'm done I can't do this anymore
You're stuck on repeat

I am trying to love myself but I hate trying to love myself cause I hate myself.