I see you smiling
through the fence
of my enduring fears

See you riding your horse
this year after years

Watched you stir up the red clay dust that was whisped away by a thunderstorm's gust


See you wipe away tears
of joy and happiness

And the tears of sad goodbyes

What ever happened to Búzios Bay , Brazil ?

Now I will never know

"I'm so tired of this."

"You want out?"

"No, I just want us to get along."

"What's the problem? I thought you
loved my tempestuousness?"

"I do, but.."

"Darling, I never promised you a
rose garden."

When it came to love
I had no real plan
I know I wanted to connect in an intimate way
with experimentation and playfulness

I was short on experience
there was a pandemic
I’d had few ‘at-bats’
that’s a sports metaphor

Much of it seemed surreal and abstract
like we’d entered another realm of everyday places
there was a subtle unpredictability
that was unfiltered, instinctive and unapologetically unhinged

freedom permeated every element
still, our collaboration allowed for honest conversation
I remember asking, “What are we doing?”
Thinking back, It underlined how vastly different our two experiences were
.
.
Songs for this:
Overtime (pt 1) by Mk.gee  [E]
Blur by embrs & astralcurrent

She is a dog.                   She is my sister
Your half sister.             We share our trauma
She bites.                        She was neglected
She barks.                       It’s not her fault
She’s dangerous.           Her owner is dangerous
I hate her.                        I love her
She pees on my bed.     My dad locks her in my old room
We are so different.        We are so similar
So far apart.                     So very connected

When they cry
I provide comfort

When they scream
I tell them they have the right

But they don’t notice it in me
For my tears flood my heart
And my screams are silent

I have some hard battles
I just keep them inside and quiet

Poor young girl
I dared to cry
Little did I know
my dad would
“Try to make me feel better”

He would pull his shirt over his face
So I wouldn’t see his expressions
The things that make him human
But I would see his stomach
And I would see him chasing me around the house

“No!”
I would shout
I didn’t want the hug
I didn’t want the hug
I didn’t want the hug
He was scary

But I was little
And not so fast
So he would grab me

I was trapped
In my mind
In the house
And in his arms clutched against his bare, hairy chest

And maybe I never truly left there
Trying hard to believe that he was truly trying to help me
Trying to be okay
Trying to stop what he was doing from hurting me constantly
Trying
Trying
Trying

I have since recovered slightly
With meds, poetry, and therapy
but I still feel the squeeze of his hands sometimes
I still his chest hair against my neck
I still feel the fear of a switch
The fear that someone will get angry

I’m still a little trapped
And a little afraid to cry

Every friend is sunshine
To exile the darkness
Haul away the hate
Every friend is lightning
Roses of lightning in dew
Easels of ease near oceans
A rare joy to behold
Let us go to the shore of serene!