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Pax May 2015
Would it be okay if I say, I’ve had enough of your presence in my life?
You’re too much of everything I hate
of all the things, you annoy me.
I wish you were gone and would fade away like you never existed.
But still you were there reminding me
of all the wrong things,
The bad memories,
The irritating personalities,
                   The foolish behaviors,
                                   The selfish self,
                                            and lastly
                                   The sad and gloomy
                                          State of mind.

I did something to hide you,
I can simply toss you aside,
Put a mask on your face,
        Do a charade
              Making you aware that you don’t exist,
              and a complete cover-up of make belief.
I’ve done everything possible I can to coat or erase your every existence
But then I realized you’re a part of me
That can never be erased
A reflection of me
The reality of me
You can never be without me   and    I can never be without you
because
all in all
you’re
me
.
"i wrote this when i was really down with myself
i always blame myself."

- that's what i said way back when I wrote this last July 2012. Now I've grown to understand myself better, accepting the things that I needed to embrace and just live the way I wanted without hate in my system. Yes, I guess the hate is still there, it doesn't fade easily, we always have our insecurity, sometimes it helps us stay grounded on our feet, but most of the time it hinders us in doing something good for us. I am glad that I found comfort, creativity, acceptance & understanding in poetry without it, I'll be exploding in every path I take...  Thank you for reading my friends.
Pax May 2015
How I lie and break, broken till to the very tip of my bone
I dislike how I ate my own hate, swallowed till it reaches the gate
How the voices preach to breach the barriers of the untouched soul
Purity bleach the acidic preaches of ones owned,
rinsing the putrid echoes of THE hateful stone.

Innocence remains unreached; it’s a battle of everyday presence.
My pure essence survives the life’s impermanence.

Winning and Losing stands in equilibrium.
Life is not as tasty as the sweet brew.
no matter how much you hate yourself, never let the hate reach you heart and destroy you....
Pax May 2015

I have stopped looking at the clouds
and start staring at cornered walls that surrounds me.

The clear skies that I would dream, wondering the complexities of its heights…

I often believed that the sky would make my dreams come true,
but in reality, all it takes to journey your dream is creating a stepping stone.
You can’t achieve anything without making any step.

I always like to jump into conclusion, fear of failure.
In this case, it hinders the optimism values we always have.

Diving into your deepest thoughts is just like scuba diving without oxygen.
We need to learn how to hold our breaths,  to accept everything
and process every obstacle in the depth of negativity.
For far beyond its deepness, there is light, shiny as pearls.
You’ll learn its wisdom, an insight that will guide you towards reaching any goal…


Written - 09/16/2013
Updated – 04/21/2014

I found this in my files while browsing  some old writes I have. one of my untitled piece that I never got to publish online, now i finally did.

thank you for reading.
Pax Apr 2015
Lucky are those who have found love
and been loved.

Lucky are those who bear the gift of face.
   Easy is for them to find an easy case
            for their own taste
     - a goal for their own base.

Lucky are those who has an outstanding confidence.
For by it, they don’t live with a doubtful fence.
Freely as they get any wants in their existence.

I give away smiles, pieces of my lies,
        pretending not having rainy skies.
Hiding my Breathless sighs.

Sometimes I am like a rock
   too dull to feel, a surface too rough.
A sense I lost, an unreachable core,
I don’t know how to love anymore.



*© 2014 Pax
to simply say: "I am just unlucky in terms of love"


First of all I want to give my special thanks to all my friends who supports me not in my writing but the me who is inside in every piece I penned. To all of you, it let me believed that I should not give up on love, with that it is enough for me to stay positive… hopeful for someday someone will come and bring spring to my 'cold landscape', bring light to my 'unglowing star' and a home that I could finally call my own to stop being the 'passerby'...

....
Pax Apr 2015
I love the idea of someone will be there for me
Yet in reality, I doubt it to be.
Truth that I knew so well
That I am hard to love seems no one can tell.
...sometimes this is what i know...
Pax Apr 2015

I bathe in milk
The Ripples along the water are as fine as silk
NO! This is not something I fancy
In life, sometimes you just want to try
In the end we just have to stop the stupid lie.
To live or die
To breathe or just drown
Seems everybody wears a crown
NO! I lost mine a long time ago.
Perhaps temporary is all I could have, so I dare go…
Grab what’s on hand
Never expecting high demand
Then I get lost, soaked
And a little broke
To start a new beginning
Is still out of reach, I’m screeching…
Not in pain but in the cloud that blocks the way
Wishing the fear will stay at bay
Never reaching my awful screeching
Oh CHOICES! I wish I ACTED ON YOU differently
NOT fearing disappointing those who support me.
But hey! What is done cannot be undone
I stand in what I’ve chosen, I never run…
I tried my best to stop my mouth
From reasoning-in or reasoning-out
For your choice is your own responsibility
So I stop blaming others for my problematic probability
I bathe again, in warm water this time
Hoping to wash away the disease that struck me
Faults of my own neglect
Laziness and Tiresome – and its ripple effects
Now I fear I’ll drown…

........... a type of monologues i guess....
partly inspired by this photo:
http://manuelestheim.deviantart.com/art/On-drowning-393658861

a friend of mine hit something when she said:

Sometimes we are all afraid of drowning in the choices we have made. But there's nothing to do but go on. The water of time washes many things away.
Pax Apr 2015
I’m tired of carrying you at my back.
Keeping you well fed
to the point I starved myself.

Did you often wonder what I feel?  
Have you ever thought of what I really want?
Have you ever seen me without my deep façade?

The difficulty I'm facing is well kept.
Time after time it wears me down.
To the point of exhaustion.
When can I stop and have a little break?
My mind is full and my heart is heavy.

These questions will remain lost in the sea of my thoughts.




© 2013 Pax

a very heavy old fragment, still hung around, carrying, starving, well someday in someway I'll be able to let you go....
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