Blue
mixed with black;
bloodshot eyes and aching back.
Nobody notices that 
Atlas is now
a twenty-year-old girl
carrying a less than mediocre
world.

the scent of something
familiar punches you in
the gut
and
you know that smell
very well--
some cheap detergent
on someone's clothes
that hurts your nose
and you try
not to fall down
nostalgia lane
again and stay there
for seven days
doing nothing but
writing and rewriting
wishing things were
different.

you're three years
older now
and you're still paying
for things but there's
no change yet.

you've heard theories
saying that time is nothing
but a concept,
that it is a mere creation
of foolish humans.
you close your eyes
and think
no no no no no no no

maybe if you repeat it
enough times the power
of suggestion will work

no no no no
     no no no
no no no no
no no no no no

time must come
and heal you

I know you think
I wear lipstick everyday
And my hands always
Smell like
Chai tea and raspberries

I know you think
My tongue always
Tastes like
Melted sugar
And peppermint

I know you think
I sleep in the same lace
Underwear
You find me in
On certain Sundays
In the spring
When the air is light
And my jeans
Don't stick
To my thighs

I know you think
I'm larger than life

Above chipped teeth
And bruises
And cigarette ash
And acne

I know you think
My eyes don't turn
Blood red
And poison
When I cry

I know you think
My finger nails
Are always
Freshly painted

And I always wear
A bra
That fits

I know you think
Yoga pants are
My comfy clothes,
Never gray sweat pants
With a faded red stain
Between my legs

I know you think
My calves are always
Soft, hairless, and toned

You think
I wait by the phone
With vanilla incense
Burning in a red robe

But you're wrong
And that's impossible

I won't let you in
Cause I won't be
The one
To shatter
Your whole
Pretty, little world

I'm disgusting
Sometimes

I sleep with
Way too many
Girls and guys

And sometimes I cry so much
My eyelids peel
Til I look like
Leather face
And I don't leave my house
For 8 days

And in those 8 days
I shower
Maybe twice

My skin gets rough
In the winter

Right now
I have a
Pimple on
My left shoulder
And every morning
It looks a little
Meaner

My ***** spill
Out over the top
And the sides
Of my favorite
Sport's bra

And I don't care

I smell like burnt oil
And cheap hair dye
Half of the time

I haven't washed
My sheets in a while
And they smell like
Salt water
And chlorine

You put me up on a pedestal
From which I refuse to fall

So I'll stay here,
Far,
Untouchable

You'll never love me
With sticky tampons
In my garbage can
And half drank beer bottles
On my bedroom floor

I'll stay here,
Far,
Untouchable,

Safe

you are not much
of a reader
but spread her
like a book
and learn her secrets

it is only *****
when it is done right

do you know what i mean

take her icy hands
and place them
on your chest

make yourself
her fireplace

let her sleep
let her rest

i think everything
was too much

for her

Tracing the cracks on the wall,
my eyes are burning but I'm fighting sleep.
The lonely hum inside my brain is
telling me to do something
but loving you is exhausting
and it's been raining white flags
inside my brain since summer.

The end of us felt like an earthquake-
something tragic I never saw coming
and my God, I never saw it coming.

Every night I remind myself that the more
I close my hands the more I hurt myself
and it's not easy being valiant but
I am thinking of you
quietly now.