do you have moments, where you can’t imagine a future?
you’re lying there, staring at the
same walls
same ceilings
same words
with nothing but the same feelings-
empty and pale,
like there’s no reason to go on,
when you can’t even do enough to fail.
the future is coming, but you don’t want to be in it,
can’t imagine yourself in it.
where you just want to stop.
everything.
and just sit there for a while.
maybe not death, as that’s too permanent,
but something close to it.
when you can feel the rope around your neck,
the razor on your wrist,
the way the pills taste.
you can imagine it, and you aren’t sure if it’s what you want,
or just the feelings you imagine it will give you

Mac Miller’s death wasn’t an Overdose,
it was a Suicide,
it was the path that he chose that’s the way it goes,
when you’re chewed inside,

when you’ve got those demons,
and even beautiful music doesn’t exercise them,
we all gotta go sooner or later,
so Mac at 26 is tragic but not surprising,

wish he’d held out for one more year,
then he could’ve gotten in the Forever 27 Club,
joined the likes of Hendrix Morrison and Joplin,
but anyways whatever it’s still all love,

even though,
it hurts so bad,
especially since I’m writing this,
to Mac’s Swimming soundtrack,

13 songs on Mac’s last album,
and the last track’s ‘So It Goes’,
and ‘So It Goes’,
is playing on a record in Mac’s final post,

one moment we’re living one moment we get ghost,
and that makes me think of Jaden,
who’s last track was Ghost,
oh God Jaden no don’t start fadin’,

you’re it man,
you’re the one,
please push past the darkness of the pain,
and shine like the All Seeing Sun,

you’re our last hope like Obi-Wan Kenobi,
so don’t shut your eyes Young Jedi,
you’ve got the torch now so let it burn bright,
because the only thing that doesn’t wait is time,

time doesn’t give a fck about clocks,
until they stop,
she puts me together when I’m out of order,
perfect,

gives me the shivers how the Lord deliver’s,
and I don’t even read psalms,
but I swear to God it was all written,
that’s why even in the chaos I’m calm,

nothing’s GO:OD in the AM,
when you’re not feeling The Divine Feminine,
nauseous everyone feels toxic and obnoxious,
you're conscious that the poison feels like medicine,

resurrected just to be dead again,

it’s scary or rather haunting how Mac’s last video,
show’d him trapped in a coffin,
with a message that read Memento Mori,
you might win some but you just lost one,

shout out to Lauryn Hill,
she lost her mind but didn’t lose her life,
see no matter how difficult things get,
you win no matter what as long as you stay alive,

and it hurts so bad that we lost him,
that even I right now feel dead inside,
better take care out there and beware,
Self Care's only effective with friends to stand by,

**** I,
want to find a way to make everything alright,
want to find a way to bring back Mac,
gone forever to that Castle in The Sky,

and I just wish I could’ve said one last word to him,
and it hurts so bad I want to cry,
see Mac Miller’s death wasn’t an Overdose,
it was a Suicide,

so if you’re feeling hurt and depressed,
find someone to get that ****t off your chest,
because you’re loved whether you know it or not,
and life’s to short for long stories or regrets,

life’s too short for long stories,
life’s too real for fake friends,
so know that I love you you can always come see me,
because it’s peace love and respect till the end,

and ****,
we lost a good one today my oh my,
Mac Miller’s death wasn’t an Overdose,
it was a Suicide,

RIP Mac Miller,
may you Rest In Peace on Cloud 9,
may you finally find that love you need,
at that Eternal House in The Sky….

∆ Aaron LaLux ∆

If I were to die tonight,
Will anyone ever wonder
Where I go
Or how I went?

If I were to die tonight,
Will my research
Be finished without me
And my friends graduate?

If I were to die tonight,
How will I ever explain
Not going back to school, or passing my requirements?
Will my teachers even care, or will they fail me?

If I were to die tonight,
Will a seat be empty
During the college entrance test
At the testing site?

If I were to die tonight,
Will a classroom ever notice
How one student is gone?
Or will they simply dismiss it as me being late?

If I were to die tonight,
Will all my bad memories
Dissipate into the air,
Or will people still talk bad about me?

If I were to die tonight,
Will all my mistakes vanish
Or am I taking all of them to my grave,
Dying with humiliation?

If I were to die tonight,
How will I be remembered?
Am I simply a stupid kid,
Or am I just dust of the Earth?

If I were to die tonight,
Will my family ever realize
How much I've been asking for help
But they simply dismissed it?

Hush!
A knock at the death's door.
The hags squinted eyes to look at their new companion.
They gasped,
He was so puny, not compatible.

The walls mocked at him,
His steps echoing through the deadly hushed alley.
Subdued him by constant murmurs.

This was completely different,
People with burns, people with cuts,
Many had henious marks, flesh hanging loose from body.
He wanted to *****, but his body was off the limits.

The guards of death poked him,
Urging him to move.
The hall was stuffed, horrifying voices shook it.
'Ah! One more kid. I am tired of such cases.' The voice came from the centre.

'Explain, kid?' The voice was monotonous.
'I was to go heaven. I don't belong here.' He shrieked.
'You are not to decide where to go. There's no free will here.'

He was pious, always inclined towards good,
Then why such a harsh punishment.
'Kid you were mistaken when you wasted what was most precious.' The king said.

He wasn't wrong.
God had been wrong to him, giving him miseries at every path.
Did he do anything to suffer that much. No.

Living was better than dying.
'Millions more thought the same. And you belong to the same lot.
You had fifty more years to enjoy and look, now where does it make you land.'

A thousand years weren't a short period to ponder over his crime.
It pained him every time,
Thinking of many things he could have been a part of.

I used to be so tired
Those days I often thought about my death
My fantasies involved the kitchen knife

I never had the courage to hurt myself
The attention it might bring, it scared me
The thought of people noticing me, even in death, horrified me
I thought, how embarrassing, how weak

I hardly ever cried back then
I was more angry than sad, more tired than angry
But I cried the day I tried to die

I swallowed as many pills as I could fathom
No one was home, but I still did it with an impatient pace
I was calm when I thought my final words to myself
And I sat in the corner of my kitchen floor,
Hoping that someone would find me despite not wanting to be seen
I wanted that

But

I puked it all out



Ashamed
Disgusted
Frustrated

I cried
I cleaned the mess
I went to bed

I lived.

"I can see my door, my bed, my window, my chair, and my table.

"I can feel my spine against the wall, my feet against the floor, my jaw tightly shut, and my fingernails buried in my arms.

"I can hear the wind coming in from the open window, my heartbeat rapidly thumping, and that familiar voice in my head, shouting once again.

"I can smell the dampness of the ground outside as the breeze carries it to my room, and the sickly sweet odor from the soap used on my hands.

"I can ******* blood spilling from the bite in my lip; my last harsh reminder that
        I
        am      
        still
        alive.

I may not be able to save the whole world, but I hope that my words can one day save someone’s world.

I'm not "smart" like them.

I'm not "bright" as them.

I'm not "confident" like them.

I'm not "beautiful" as them.

I'm not "someone" like them.

Can you just accept that?

I don't like crying myself anymore

-Said myself in the mirror.