i’m sorry.
that may come as a surprise to you, i know
haven’t really spoken much lately though
haven’t really spoken a lot at all
but hey, that’s okay
i know how hard it is to make a phone call.

that’s probably why i always forget to
oh honey, no, of course it’s not you!
i’ve just been so busy lately
but when i can, i will go to my cellphone straightly

and scroll down; way down
to the numbers of people living outta town
to the numbers i would never admit
i honestly don’t give a ****t.

i wasn’t enough back then.
do you even remember the time when...?
when, you know...
oh...silly me!
you probably not.
the time
when time turned against you and ran out the clock

the time on this fateful november night
you could see everything you didn’t do right
the time sombody decided to send me down here
just so i could feel the vain, and of course the fear
emotions you taught me all to well
when you shouldn’t even have been able to enter my so former fragile shell

a shell i never planned for you to see
let alone sit down there with you and
have a tea

i never understood why you said what you said.
and i probably never will.
wouldnt you give anything now for that abortion-pill?
i know you would, and that with certainty
i heared you say it when dicussing the cost of an university

and although it was that exact moment my heart forever broke
because you were saying it like it was a ******* joke
and although your lawyer sat there giggling
with my mother next to them,
the highest level of patience bringing
i still can’t bring myself to hate you with all my heart
at the end of the day
you and i
are eachothers lost part.
no matter how small
you somehow are
after all.

my mom still adores you, and i guess that’s okay
i can’t blame her for being some way.

what i do blame her for, and that i can’t undo
is that of all the men in the world
she had to chose you.

Love,
me

i’m not coming for your eyes
or those sinful thighs

no.
the one thing i will always come for
the only thing when it comes to you

is the way you play my mind

the way ill comply
without wanting to
without knowing why
just 'cause it's you

it’s you.
it is.
i’m certain it's you.
you...
or is me?

because today i can't help but feel
that you somehow managed to make me your own

make me one of your fcking needs
when you needed a fcking jester
with you sitting on the throne.

but only when you needed me
and only then.

sometimes i catch myself wondering if it was true
if you really made me turn the one thing i love most
against me

me.

it's me.
it is me.
isn't it?

a ******* rose
nourished by the water of your filthy thoughts
kept alive by the damp ground of your words
you are just carefully surrounding my thorns

a chess figure in the masterpiece
you call your life

but you know what's worse?
i like it now
and i call it mine.

i imagine it being small and cold
as that's how it always felt

small and cold and thronging and killing
and yet somehow
i'm still here.

in this little chamber full of
secrets and lies
and laughter and cries
i feel home.

of course i could go outside
get a glimpse of
what would be contentment
of what would be the truth.

but that would mean pain
to expanses i will not be enough to sustain

so thank you
but no thank you



You had a look into my closet now.

please close the door
and let me be
not me but only ever me

i am miserable either way.

come with me
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i will show you
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
it is down here,
trust me
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i would never lie to you
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
can you see it?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
how come? we are here, we did it!
.
.
.
.
.
did you expect something else...?
well, that is the ******* point.
.
.
.
.
.
do you realize how dumb you are right now?
.
.
the key to happiness is simple:
stop expecting.

it never seemed hard to me
being what others wanted to see

i am adaptable
and i never really cared
if it was my true self
i ran around and shared

but as i got older; and also hurt
not once
not twice
but a lifetime's worth

i stopped being whatever i was
a long while ago
considering anyway,
it was all just a show

for i don't want to be called
a liar no more
only because my voice
is so incredibly sore

from laughing and talking
and washing it all away
just so i don't ever have to feel
this endless betray


because no matter how hard i try
they always end up looking me dead in the eyes
before turning their backs
and leaving for good
making me regret what i probably should

because no matter how hard i try
i will surely lose my voice.

for i always end up
being the second choice