Sitting beside you in absolute silence
It finally hits me
The answer that evaded me
All these past months

It is not you I love
It is not your touch I crave
It is not your voice I wish to awake to

It was the idea of you
That I fell in love with
An idea so powerful
It stole your being in an attempt
to manifest into reality
Stole your heart to project itself honestly

And foolish little me fell
Fell deep deep in love
Mistaking an idea for you
*** you were the mask behind which idea hid
You were the soul which idea stole
You an innocent victim to Idea's plans

Though the truth of the matter is,
I love you boy
        Wholeheartedly
Your words have the power to make me smile
In the darkest of days
Your hugs have the power to comfort my trembles
Your actions have the power to amuse me in the silliest of ways

But still,
I love idea far more

Many would remember me by the friends I kept
their laughs and snorts always evident
Others would remember me by the friends I lost
their ignorance and awkwardness not so innocent

Many would remember me by my absolute silence in sessions
Others would remember me by those one on ones with my animated expressions

Many would remember me by the scars of suffering I bore
Others would remember me by that awkward smile I always wore

Many would remember me by the quiet calm nature I portrayed
Others would remember me by my sarcasm and the weird humour I displayed

Many would remember me as an artist of mediocrity
Others would remember me as an artist of simple originality

But if I ever had a say
At the end of all things

All I'd ever ask you is to
Remember me pray only as an artist
As one who looked beyond the lectures of boredom
As a person who was lost in the beauty of words
As a girl who fell in love with colours and emotions
Remember me always as a lover
of words and art
But most of all
of life

Would you love me if  my skin was beautiful
a perfect porcelain
without scars marring my skin?

Would you love me if i had full lips
the delicate kind
that kissed roses everday?

Would you love me if i had a straight nose
a feminine one
that looked perfect from every angle?

Would you love me if i had doe shaped eyes
an innocent pair
that showed my inner purity?

Would you love me if i had an unbroken heart
like those of newborns
trusting and joyful every passing second?

Would you love me if i had a clean soul
white as the first fall of snow
never to have known of darkness and unimagninable hurts?

Would you love me if i had a muscial laughter
like gentle gurgles of a stream
never a note out of place in its symphony?

Would you love me if i spoke in soft tones
never to utter a curse
with diplomacy ruling my tongue?

Would you love me if i was this check list
of what others considered beauty
seemingly the ideal whose hand a task to win?

If you could love me as this
erase meat once from the chambers of your mind
leave no trace of my presence visible
i would be sure to disappoint your wishes and dreams
you held on high pedestals

For i am riddled with battlescars
and my words would only voice my honest opinions
my body breaking the mould of ideal perfection
my heart a shattered vase taped together
my soul steeped in darkness yet riddled with wells of dreams

If you could love my imperfections
If you could love my soul
then you and i could possibly be together
as imperfection but never alone.

Life right now for me is
like a raging sandstorm
every word
every moment
every experience
is billowing past me in a frenzy
nipping cuts on my tender skin
strong reminders of a nearing end
when age old ties start to loosen
when battleworn relations start to crack
everything seems to pale
to the dark void looming in so near

Sometimes I wonder
if I really mattered to you
Sometimes I wonder
if you even cared
Or was I just a pretty flower
brought to make you smile
One you never took care of
walking away from me as I cried

You were my ray of sunshine,
brightening my hectic days.

You were my pillar of stone,
a protector from the rising storm.

You were my ocean of comfort,
enveloping me in your unending love.

You were my tornado of madness,
******* up my dramatic moments.

You were mine
and baby that's all I cared about.