I have sung too much, too long, of pain.
The litany of syllables dictating pangs of wounds
And memories of shattered hearts and minds
Has drowned out all else.
My suit, my complaint, has become a filibuster
Against the very light whose absence I mourn.

I do not reproach myself for it;
T’was necessary, and, more importantly,
It was thoroughly real.
Even the bleakest song was a worthy agony
And so this is not a new lament,
But a canticle of reversal.

Now I will sing of truth, for truth is beautiful and good.
I will sing of wisdom in her refulgence,
I will sing of knowledge upon her ivory throne,
I will sing of understanding which pierces the veil,
Breaking down barriers between hearts and minds,
Of that light which dispels ignorant shadows.

I will sing of goodness, for goodness is true and beautiful.
I will sing of courage, hero’s courage, bold, ****** courage,
I will sing of love, mother’s love, sacrificial love,
I will sing of charity, generous charity, of humble almsgiving,
I will sing of justice, no less just for being merciful,
I will sing of humility, so true and sweet it will not sing for itself.

I will sing of beauty, for beauty is good and true.
I will learn at the knees of the weeping willow,
And the stoic mountain shall reveal his smile,
I will rediscover sunrise and sunset with each revolution of earth,
And I will dance with the birds of paradise,
Cackling gleeful with cheering toads and crickets and hooting apes,

And I will sing you a new song.

I want to inject sweet tangerine sunsets into my veins
and let the warmth fill my body
To spin Saturn's rings around my pinky
and dance hopscotch behind reality
My lungs painted pastel
In cancer and soft robin egg blue
I want to see the colors of psychedelic
Sound waves that crash guitar solos onto beaches
Systematically
Mostly I just want to be happy.

Sad is a penny word.
A “too vague and distantly grey” word.
It’s edges don't shine.
They are cracked and dusted over
in silk space dust.
Depressed is a dollar word.
“Milk and honey on our throats” word.
It sizzles people's lips
everytime it dances in their mouths.
Everyone is depressed.
While they sit beside their open glass
windows and write tasteless poetry about
Depressed and how they feel it.
How it courses through and through their
juvenile veins.
Everyone is depressed.
But I think maybe I am just sad.
Sad like pain and tears that don’t fall.
Maybe I am Depressed.

Sometimes I can't sleep.
Spidery shadows named Regret creep
Around myself, camouflaging with the night.
Nobody whispers sinful dark deeds into my ears;
No voices howl in echoing patterns.
It's just me.
And me alone.
Caught awake in the dead of the night.
It's kind of peculiar that they would call it that-
“The dead of the night”
Because it is actually quite alive.
As am I
For now.
What an interesting thought.
“Black like cigar ashes” thought.
Fornowfornowfornowfor-
Pills can taste like candy if you imagine hard enough.

Maybe it was a little bit too much, of everything.
Of things said, of us sharing memories.
Of cold hands and happy days.

Maybe it was an old nostalgia,
Of the mix-up synergy,
Of honesty and sincerity.
Of yearning for longevity,
Of hopeful feelings for you.

Maybe the long nights and the short days,
Maybe the sad skies and the broken hearts,
Maybe the uncertainties of life,
Of saying goodbyes.
Of splitting ways and long distances.

Maybe it was merely a dream to live on, to never be awaken from.
Of your sweet smile and hopelessness of me.

Maybe it is just me, overthinking.

Having Depression is like finding out that mermaids are real
It doesn’t make sense to you until you’re getting dragged to the bottom of the ocean
And then you think
Oh
That’s what this is
And I’m drowning now,
That’s just……… great
And eventually, with your last vestiges of breath left
You float back to the surface
And you’re fine.
And that’s it.
Mermaids stop existing again.
Because you never actually saw what grabbed you
You only felt the claws around your leg
The cold, clammy hands tugging
With a force that you could never fight against
But you never saw her
So it was all a dream
Right?
And it happens again and again
You are drowning again and again
Until the water begins to feel like home
And the only thing reminding you that you are alive
Is the burning in your lungs
And when everything you had balanced so very carefully starts falling
Off the shelves of your life
When your “mild” depression starts deciding it wants to be more
When being alone makes you feel dead inside
And when losing your cool for one ******* second makes you contemplate your own demise
When do you admit to yourself that you are slipping
You are sinking and just because you can slow your descent
Does not mean that you’re not still drowning
And at the end of the day just because it took you longer to get there this time
Doesn’t mean you aren’t still lying on the ocean floor
Devoid of light and sound
And if you had just climbed onto that now distant boat and sailed away
You’d be fine.
But climbing was too hard
And sinking is so much easier
And you’re scared that if you reach out
Your hands will feel clammy and cold
As they wrap around your friends throats
And drag them down with you
And you would rather rot at the bottom of an endless sea
Than let that happen
So you lie in darkness and wait
For a sound
The singular resounding sound
Of failure
And you slowly float back to the surface
Take a deep breath
And you’re fine.
Because mermaids aren’t real
It’s all in your head