Just let me hold you,
Squeeze you tight.
I'll ease your fears,
Here tonight.

We can sit together,
Contemplating sin.
And when you tire,
I'll tuck you in.

If it rains,
And starts to thunder,
You'll ask me to stay,
So I'll climb under.

I'll pull you near,
And hold you close.
Whisper in your ear,
That I love you most.

You'll fall asleep,
Against my chest.
I'll hold your hand,
And watch you rest.

So let me hold you,
And squeeze you tight.
I want to love you,
Here tonight.

She tossed her halo back on the shelf,
Didn't take much energy there.
Upon her head it seemed to drown her,
A suffocating glow upon her hair.

She tossed her halo under the the bed saying,
She didn't need it that night.
The room finally bathed in darkness,
Suddenly hidden from the light.

She tossed her halo into her bag,
Where nobody would suspect it.
She threw the bag across her shoulder,
Making no effort to protect it.

She tossed her halo into the closet,
Who's closet she didn't really know.
Everyone loved the stony darkness,
Nothing revealed in golden glow.

She tossed her halo into the trunk,
Saying this time was for her.
They drove on into the night,
Not knowing where they were.

She tossed her halo into the trash,
Revolting from that life.
Rocking on next to her shadow,
She didn't miss the light.

She tossed her halo off the bridge,
Fully embracing the black.
I jumped in to follow it,
I drowned trying to bring it back.

I laughed when I was faced with death,
Sometimes I think it was my test.
But did I pass or did I fail?
Am I on the victor trail?

Is this the life of he who won?
Or is this just how I come undone?
A frivolous and pathetic life,
Is that the path I carved that night?

Did I somehow lose myself,
Choosing to die for someone else?
Or was it right, to let them die,
While I watched and stood idly bye?

No, I think, I made the right choice.
I listened to that destructive voice.
The one that told me to jump ahead,
Knowing it that I could soon be dead.

For in that choice my power came,
The fearlessness and focused aim.
The laugh that stood as a shield before,
Still remains to stand strong once more.

I love that I chose to die,
Not for myself, but those at my side.
I love knowing I chose that death,
That I chose to stand in for someone else.

I love the glory, I loved the fame,
I love the memory of him taking aim.
It feeds the demon that is my pride,
It nourishes the bravado that I feel inside.

People look at me as though I am more,
Something beyond what I was before.
Some think me a hero, others say insane,
But it feels ******* great that they know my name.

Perhaps I'll put it on my resume,
"I once stood and laughed death away."
Then again, they would make me explain,
And that would only just bring up the pain.

Because I hate that night,* the way it went.
I hate that even one casing was spent.
I hate that luck is why I survived,
I hate that it wasn't some quality of mine.

It sickens me that I chose death,
That I willingly elected to take that step.
I did not want to die.
I am thankful that death passed me by.

I am thankful of whatever power or might,
Saved they and I on that February night.
Whether chance or fate, I won't ask why,
But I am glad his bullet passed me by.

Staring down the barrel,
Black is all I see,
I know my target to be there,
Aiming back and me.

I know his eyes are red,
The sh*t he's been through.
I know he's looking awful,
But hell, I am too.

Now my arms are trembling,
The gun shaking in my hands.
Sweat pours down my brow,
From exhausted glands.

The pounding in my head,
Harder than my heart.
I can hear blood rushing,
Senses set apart.

Am I the hunter here?
Or am I the prey?
Sometimes I lose direction,
In these games I play.

I see a glimmer in the dark,
Grip tightens on the stock.
I see my foe, just before me,
My mind numbed with shock.

Standing in a circle of light,
Looking tired and warn.
Stands a man clinging to his gun,
His countenance ragged and torn.

I take a step forward,
In time, so does he.
Only inches away,
Moving along with me.

I raise my gun higher,
He too does the same.
My fear now compels me,
A twitch ends the game.

He shatters into pieces,
Glass shards at my feet.
A thousand tiny fragments,
Reflecting back at me.

It seems I was both,
The hunter and the hunted.
I killed the man in the mirror,
Maybe that is what I wanted.

I am in love with chance and all her open promises, inherent risks, and bountiful rewards. I am in love with the idea of gambling myself into existence and riding the dice on a whim. Certainty bores and scares me, permanence poisons my happy mindset. I need risks and dangers and dumb ideas, it is in these that I find the fruit of life.

I am in love with chance. She calls my name often, beckoning me to spend the night. She seduces me with ***** talk and a proven mind, flooding my heart with her drug. I long to fall into her, with her, to kiss her mouth and taste the poison of an uncertain life. I crave her in the night when there is naught but doubt in my mind.

I am in love with chance and the chaos she brings. She is a storm that tosses my little boat on waves that could equally take me to paradise or a watery grave. She is fairness and equality, for chaos is truly fair, it rids me of order and structure. Her screaming pleasure enraptures me with a sodden wealth and unhealthy appetite for potential glories.

I am in love with chance. She is my mistress, my plaything, the dark shadow that leaves my bed before the morning light. She is the elusive lover to whom my young heart belongs, the fiery being to which my trust is pledged. Chance has yet to let me down – perhaps that is why I love her. I am never disappointed in chance for she is, above all, fair and just. There is not evil or malice in she, there is no hidden agenda or destructive intent.

I am in love with chance.
I am in love with chance.
I am in love with chance and her barren wealth.
I am in love with chance and the way she feeds my zealous lust for life.
I am in love with chance and she loves me.
I am in love with chance and I must choose…

I must choose between her love and your certain certainty.

Why can't I leave you?
Even with all your flaws, why can I not leave you?

I'll tell you why.

It's because when I look at you, I see beauty. I see innocence and brilliance and someone that hasn't been corrupted by the world. I see someone who hasn't lost their optimism, who hasn't bowed to cynicism or bitterness. I see someone who still loves life and is able to see the beauty and wonder that fills the world.

When I look at you, I lose myself. The lines of your face, the glow of your cheeks, the depth in your eyes, and every hair either in or out of place combines to create the sublime. Time stops... when I look at you. Whatever we're doing, whether it be hiking around rocks, running around, careening around corners on the road, singing as we walk, or just laying together, enjoying each other, I find one little instant when time freezes. It freezes and all I see is you. It freezes and yet another still frame is added to the growing memory book that has your name on it.

Your mind baffles me, your words inspire me, your personality keeps me on my toes. And even though there are lots of little flaws, lots of small imperfections, and even a few larger ones, they are all outweighed by how amazing you are. I've never met anyone like you. Nobody has ever made me feel like you do. Not a single person has been all that you are.

How could I possibly leave you?

There are times when I've wanted to - times when I want nothing more than to call it quits because you drive me crazy or dangle want I want just in front of my face, but never give it to me. There have been so many times when I think about you and realize that you will probably be my downfall. You will wind up being that person that I knew would come along and ruin all my plans. You're going to be the person that makes me compromise on all I've ever wanted and worked for, all I have ever desired of life, all because I am going to fall in love with you. I am going to fall in love with you and I'm going to love it and hate it all at the same time. You are going to be my beautiful ruin.

Despite this, despite knowing that you are simultaneously and tragically perfect and perfectly wrong for me...

I still can't leave you.

I know that if I did, I would hate myself. Twenty years after I left you I would look back and realize that I was a fool. Hindsight would reveal just how painfully shallow and misguided I am.

Does that answer your question?
Does that help you understand?

Does that make you realize who exactly you are? Who you are to me? You are the Anti-Blake. You are the end of everything that makes me who I am. You're stealing my identity away from me, turning me into someone else.

And even so,

I still can't leave you.

I don't need your love.
I don't need you around.
I would survive just fine without you.
You aren't what causes my heart to beat,
You are not the air within my lungs.
Sleep comes easily on my own.
My responsibilities are not yours.
I don't need you tonight,
I won't need you tomorrow.
I don't need your love.
And I don't need you.

No, I do not.

Instead, I want your love.
I want you around,
You enrich my every day.
I want you to be there to hear my heart,
I want you to be there to laugh with me.
I want to feel you sleep beside me, your hair tangled in my face.
I want to share the world with you.
Instead, I want you tonight.
I will want you tomorrow.
I want your love.
And I want you.

I will be fine without you. But I'll be so much better with you.

"If it was meant to happen,
Then it will happen."
Thus the excuse for your failed dreams.
But this, a lie, is not how it seems.
Things do not just magically occur,
No, you don't just magically procure,
What you need. What you desire,
It doesn't happen, wishes don't inspire.
Get off your ***, do it yourself.
You get what you want, and nobody else.
Don't just wish and hope and wait,
Take an active role in your fate!
You must do it, seek it out,
Stop thinking so much, eliminate doubt.
Praying, hoping, wishing it true,
Won't get as far as a determined you.
So stop believing that "it will be."
End this torturous "wait and see!"
Say what it is that needs to be said,
Get those desires out of your head.
One person decides on "meant to be."
That person is you. Now try it, you'll see.

I feel better knowing you're not alone,
It brings me some sort of restless peace.
I don't know why it feels this way,
But it is a beautiful rest for me.

I feel better knowing the way it is,
I love the solitude it will find.
Not quite sure if it will last,
But it brings quiet to my mind.

I feel better seeing the threads all fray,
Such pleasure found in their breaking.
They come apart, each in turn,
But I love the sounds they are making.

I feel better knowing the lines appear,
That they don't exude the sadness and lies.
They bring me peace as I crawl along,
As though the clouds leave my starry skies.

I feel better watching the ice all melt,
As it drips away from the core.
Each drop carries away my burden,
Until I have a burden no more.

I feel better knowing some form of truth,
It keeps me from wondering so long.
The time once spent in contemplation,
Is now spent strumming another song.

I feel better knowing that peace is found,
Because it keeps me from keeping the peace.
I don't know why it was always me,
Who was left sifting through the sheets.

I feel better knowing how it feels,
To be so near and whole.
I don't quite know nor understand,
But I don't need to, I've been told.

I feel better knowing that smiles break,
That I for once, don't have to smile.
The release I feel, with every grin,
Freedom not felt for long while.

I feel better knowing it is no longer my care,
That someone else will shoulder the blame.
My shoulders stretch while my back mends,
Broken and sore from all this strain.

I feel better knowing I can be forgotten,
Even if for but a moment.
It finally means that I too can forget,
Without the guilt I always spent.

I feel better knowing that only a shadow,
Remains of all that I endured.
That I don't need to take it,
That I can finally fly once more.

I feel better knowing that happiness,
Is only sometimes just an illusion.
It brings the world again to my hand,
Eliminating all the weighty confusion.

I feel better knowing the pain is only mine,
That I can finally fight my demons through.
I await the day I watch them fall,
I know them weak, and my sword is true.

I feel better knowing I'm not alone,
That there is someone, something else out there.
I don't know why it feels this way,
But it keeps my from all my despair.

4/15/2013

It's been such a long time,
Since I held your hand in mine.
So many years have passed,
Since that night in the grass.

I remember it so clearly,
And I hold on to it dearly.
The beginning of the end,
The source of my heart to rend.

The silence of night remained unbroken,
As you handed me a token,
Something to remember you by,
As though you knew we had to fly.

The moon shone but just a sliver,
And though warm, I felt a shiver.
As our bare feet crossed the dirt,
To the beat of mother earth.

Beneath the stars our resting place,
Where we gazed up into space.
Where I whispered it for the first time,
Those few words to make you mine.

And in that instant my world changed,
When you whispered words the same.
My hand found yours and then our lips,
My heart and soul both doing flips.

I couldn't believe this was reality,
It seemed as though some fantasy.
Something like one of those dreams,
Where the details begin to burst through the seams.

But no, this could be no dream,
This was you and this was me.
The consumation of such a love,
The kind that only stories tell of.

For hours there we were happy,
Alone in the field as we could be.
Your head on my heart, the steady drum,
And I listened to yours, the timid one.

The gentle breeze caressed your scent,
As the clear skies denied a tent.
The thick fescue was soft as down,
Your jean shorts made the best night gown.

You fell asleep fingers in mine,
And I lay awake for the longest time.
Peaceful bliss, no doubts did spoil,
As I rested my head upon the soil.

It was the first, but not the last,
By far the best we spent in that grass.
I'll never forget, nor do I want to,
Because that is the night I knew that I loved you.

Now it has been such a long time,
Since I held your hand in mine.
I struggle to recall how your fingers felt,
And to remember how my heart would melt.

But now we smile when we pass by,
I know you remember it, under the sky.
Your friend told me you talk in your sleep,
Sometimes revealing a subconscious so deep.

She said your eyes, they filled with tears,
As you were attacked by regrets and fears.
Your whispered callings, revealing my name,
The sad teary silence, when I never came.

She said my picture is under your pillow,
It's the one of us both, under the willows.
What I couldn't say, I have it too,
Beside my bed, reminding of you.

I couldn't tell her, I wake up in a sweat,
Heaving and cold, with dreams of regret.
Couldn't say how my thoughts are ridden,
And my lonesomeness is all but hidden.

I know it was hard, believe me, I do.
For years now I've thought this through.
The plan we made, it was all I had,
Sometimes it kept me from going mad.

Four years seemed as though forever,
But not so long if it would bring us together.
I worked so hard, so many sacrifices,
Did everything possible with human devices.

Now the years have finally passed,
And so it seems, has the contrast.
Murphy's law has kept as apart,
Distance forever the bane of our hearts.

I just want you to know, I'll be where I promised.
I made the grades, I made the "A" list.
You did too, but circumstance kills,
You'll be in the flats while I'm in the hills.

You were right to hand me that token,
It hangs on my neck, still unbroken.
I have no plans to remove it soon,
I'll be wearing it when I fly to the moon.

I'll never forget you, and I hope you not I,
But I wish your dreams wouldn't make you cry.
So smile for me, though years have passed,
Tell me you remember that night in the grass.

Have no regrets, don't wish it away,
That it never happened, I'll never say.
I won't forget it, nor do I want to,
That is the night I knew that I loved you.

I asked how I might know when it was over.

They said, "When you love the memory more than the person standing in front of you."

Then you came to find me, said you wanted to talk.

I remembered us. The boat, the pool, the lake, the fires, the bikes, the dances, the singing, the running, the library, the laughter, the pictures, the kitchen, the park, the hikes, the camping, the movies, the books, the music, the truck, the thousand kisses, and everything else came rushing back.

I looked at you standing in front of me and I thought about the memories.

It was then that I knew it was over.

I think I'm ready to go, I've left it all behind.
The past has been so slow, I've got a faster pace in mind.

I'm ready to go, get my out of my mind.

Here we are again, the crossroads to the laughter.
Toss myself to the wind, stick the landing after.

I'm ready to go, get me out.

The hundredth cannon fires, with a tiny thunderous roar.
The balance of my desires shines in brown open door.

I'm ready to go.

Let the chills wash over me, now its time find the new.
The tingle finally sets me free, almost as if you knew.

I'm ready.

Would you follow me into the dark,
Prepared to trust as we embark?
Can you leave your past behind,
And keep an open mind?

Follow me down a new path,
Just so I can make you laugh?
I want to see you smile,
No matter if it takes a while.

I'll be patient, I'll be kind.
Someone like you is hard to find.
I can't say I'll never make,
But I promise I'll never be a mistake.

So will you let me set you free,
To be the perfection you can be?
I want to make dreams come true,
As long as those dreams belong to you.

It should have been us.

We both know it to be true; it should be you beside me. It should be you laying here next to me. It should be you riding shotgun with your hair blowing in the wind. It should be you I’m writing love notes to, you I’m calling at midnight, and you I’m taking home from this bar.

It should have been us.

It should be me beside you. It should be me laying there in the hammock, reading beside a river. It should be me taking goofy pictures with you at the mall. It should be me using my sleeve to wipe your tears and my kisses to flush your cheeks. It should be me, beside you.

It should have been us.

We would have been so great together. We would have been never better. We would have learned to laugh and love and live through whatever came at us. It should have been you and me, you and me, you and me… Forever

Falling in love was not slow,
It was not hard,
It was painless.

It happened in a heartbeat,
With a blink,
With a flash,
With a snap,
With a clap,
With a wink.

One second I was not,
The next I was.
I didn't know how.
I didn't know why.
But I knew it instantly.
I loved the love.
It became me,
Overtook me,
Consumed me.

I was not always who I am,
In fact, I don't even resemble my previous self.
My friends, if in fact you are reading this,
Put all your old memories on a shelf.


Do you remember the freshman who was always quiet?
The one you might have seen down the hall?
The one everyone called a friend,
But never really knew at all?

You know the one, how can you forget,
His shoes and shaggy hair?
The way he smiled to himself,
When you didn't notice that he was there?

Do you remember the timid laughter,
As he struggled to fit in?
Coming to the monstrous place,
Where not a single person knew him.

I'll bet you never knew.
No, I know you never did.
All the feelings, thoughts, words, actions,
Were all the things he ever hid.

He strut his stuff down dusty hallways,
Secretly hating the way he was.
Incapacitated by his own ignorance,
Choosing to just accept his flaws.


Do you remember the sophomore who always smiled?
The one who was called the nicest boy?
Of course you do, everyone does,
You said his presence was enjoyed.

This was the year he began to see,
The direction his life was going.
He stopped dead, shocked, in his tracks,
When he saw was he was becoming.

He hated himself to the point of breaking,
But he didn't break, he just bent.
He resigned himself, accepted his fate,
As his heart and confidence were rent.

He receded into himself and his life,
Refusing to push harder; to push on.
If only the poor idiot had known,
He could have worked to a faster dawn.

But instead he became lazy,
People only knew him as the nice guy.
And for a while he was satisfied,
Until he found the final question: Why?


Do you remember the junior who always looked high?
As though his mind was always far away?
Of course you do, everyone does.
Because that was the year he learned to play.

That was the year that people finally saw,
Another side to the quiet, nice guy.
That was the year that would change everything,
Because he decided to change what was inside.

"Why?" is such a simple question,
But one that entails the entirety of life.
It was in this search that the boy,
Found something deeper in all his strife.

This was the beginning of a new path,
One that took years to complete.
But it was one that led him higher,
A throne to replace his lowly seat.

He finally learned to love himself,
He learned to throw caution to the wind.
He learned to build and better himself,
He finally learned to love again.

These things did not come easily,
Nor were they close to instant.
The path was long and tedious,
But the boy was finally persistent.

Only a small change was noticed,
He took his seat among varsity ranks.
People noticed a personality,
Where once before had seemed so blank.

The few who he let closest,
Noticed something deep within him first.
Two helped him build and grow,
One tried taking his potential for herself.

Fighting through he found himself,
Another year had passed him by.
But what the boy finally knew,
Was that he could change who he was inside.

Do you remember that one senior boy,
Who walked the halls with a grin and hint of swagger?
Of course you do, how could you forget,
This was the year that boy became bigger.

He suddenly wasn't just the quiet or nice guy,
Everyone looked on as if he were new.
What was the confidence that was in his eyes,
Where once only weakness and fear grew?

This was the question everyone asked him,
The one that everyone wanted to know.
What had happened over that summer,
That caused this whole new person to show?

He couldn't give them an answer,
How could he describe what he had done?
How could have possibly explain,
That he had learned to let go, live, and love?

Suddenly the ones who had ignored him,
Were asking him for his advice.
It felt so good to be validated,
After a lifetime of cowardice.

Do you remember the first game of the season,
When he blew the crowd away?
The ferocity and abandon that he carried,
It was his new favorite way to play.

Do you remember the first dance of the year,
When suddenly he was dating the track star?
Nobody could believe she came onto him,
The quiet boy who had come so far.

Do you remember how he was suddenly important?
It was because he knew all the dark and ***** secrets.
The quiet boy you thought meant nothing,
Suddenly knew everyone's weakness.

Do you remember how he led the class?
He was suddenly leadership material.
You cheered him and his team,
When the trophy was hung with his orange Mercurials.

Only one person thought to ask him,
What exactly had happened, what had changed?
He smiled quietly, once again and said,
I let myself out of my cage.

It took four years for him to love himself,
To find confidence among his fears.
To build himself into a better person,
To gain the respect of all his peers.

The hardest part throughout it all,
Was not to feed on his new found pride.
To retain the innocence of his past,
And somehow keep kindness in his stride.

He was voted friends with everyone,
And indeed, he truly was.
An entire school known by name,
He graduated to thunderous applause.


Do you remember the college freshman?
No, of course you don't.
You haven't really met him yet,
Most of you probably won't.

He's doing well, the quiet boy,
He finally found a balance in good and pride.
He thanks you for teaching him about himself,
The testing grounds where he reached inside.

He thanks you for being exactly what you were,
Some kind, some not, some indifferent.
Without each and everyone one of you,
He might have remained weak and ignorant.

Now he lives his life the best he can,
Living and loving each and every day.
He lets cares pass him all by,
Only letting peace and happiness stay.

He learned to love himself,
That the most important of all that changed.
The confidence and wisdom inspired him,
To live his life unchained.

Surrounding himself with the best people,
Loving life and all its trials.
Holding those he cares about,
Almost forgetting the quiet boy in denial.


I've written here about who I was,
Because it defines who I am today.
I am no longer the weak, quiet boy,
I think the confidence is here to stay.

Learning to love myself,
Was the key to my happiness.
Everything good that has happened since,
Is a result of choosing to leave the sadness.

I write not for my own vindication,
Although in hindsight, it sounds this way.
I merely wish to express my changes,
In as few memories as I must say.

I've lost precious minutes here,
Typing out this soliloquy.
And now I fear that it must end,
There is more life for me to see.

Here I go, into the night,
Who knows what I will find.
I love to live my amazing life,
With this peaceful state of mind.

2/16/2013

I told myself I would wait for you. I said that I could be strong. I never made my commitment known, and that is where I went wrong.

Perhaps if I had only told you. If only I had quickly thought. Then maybe we could have tried, so hard, and given this a shot.

But now I feel you truly gone. Without you my feelings numb. I lie awake, you on my mind, and beg for sleep to come.

You have altered my entire life. I want no other, its true. When I kiss another girl, I can only think of you.

Perhaps you feel the same as me. Do you think of me each day? What if we think of each other, when in our beds we lay.

Maybe we both struggle at night. Ashamed, we try to move on. Thinking the other is long, long gone.

You see me with other girls. I see you with other guys. I still love you, don't give up, don't believe my lies!

Still, there is little I can do. In our favor, fortune is not. I'm struggling to accept that I will never get what I have sought.

So I'll keep going out with girls that can't compare. I'll close my eyes and kiss them well, try to love them true. But in my heart I'll know, I will always love you.

I get jealous.
When I hear the words, I fear the words.
Hold it in, bury it deep, hide it far below.
Hope to God my secret keep, hiding in the shadow.
Can’t let it out, can’t let you know,
Never will I live it down.
It strings me along, to the ground, drowns me true and slow.
Asking why it bothers does nothing but perturb.
Better not to question, better not disturb,
Better to ignore the feelings, to lock them deep away.
I must ignore this mockery, must not break the seal,
Deep inside they must remain, can’t admit the way I feel.
I wish you’d stop saying the words, wish I didn’t listen.
If only it were so easy, if only, if only then.
I wish they weren’t such a sound, I wish that they were written.
Then I could simply burn them, light a fire, watch them rise.
Maybe then I could escape the words,
This jealousy I feel inside.

Come lie with me.
Let's lie to the world.
Let's say that it can't hold us down,
Can't hold us back,
Can make us hurt.
Let's lie to the world and say that everything is fine.
That this is how things were meant to be.
That here as we lay, we are truly free.
I doesn't have to be for long,
It can be if you like,
But just lie with me at least until night.

Stirring deep within the clouds,
A force of untested strength.
Snapping and crackling,
Searching for the shortest length.

Electricity just waiting to strike,
Uncontrollable and without bounds.
A lost wanderer within sky,
Always trying to find the ground.

This is my life, all that I am.
No home, no life, no purpose to call mine.
Every strike satisfies desire,
But leaves something broken and burnt behind.

I need something to hold me down,
To focus all my energy.
Something to keep me coming back,
That isn't charred by me.

It must be strong of will and heart,
It must stand my full on might.
Something that gets me out of the clouds,
On each lonely stormy night.

It needs to be irresistible,
Through every path soon trod.
I need something, I need someone,
To be my lightning rod.

Explain to me why you aren't,
Just another regret.
Tell me why you should be,
A memory I won't forget.

Why should I remember,
Why should I care?
What will remind me,
That you aren't there?

Do you really think,
That you will be in my dreams?
What will make this,
Not what it seems?

Why are you different,
What makes you the best?
In my long line of memories,
What puts you above the rest?

Give me a reason why.
What gives you such allure?
You are just another of mine,
In a line of beautiful failures.

It was first time in a long time,
That nothing held me back.
Years had passed it seemed,
Since I had no strings attached.

Strings I then cast off,
Constrained by no thing or one.
Never again to miss a chance,
No responsibility but fun.

I live life like I wish,
Finally, truly free.
Happiness in letting go,
In living just for me.

I surround myself with like people,
Enlightened, cheery, loud.
We run around and love our lives,
Not worry nor doubt is found.

Some call us irresponsible,
But only those unlike us.
They haven't learned their full potential,
They look with old disgust.

But they can't begin to hold us back,
When we are flying free of all.
We have no past, no future here,
Only the present in which to fall.

Occasionally we lose a member,
One whose weakness drags them down.
Sometimes it is unrequited love,
Sometimes they guilt for those around.

But we fly on, on,
I don't see it ever ending.
We have now surpassed it all,
Our will is never bending.

Occasionally we find others,
Who share our enlightened state.
We frolic and we play and laugh,
Engage in lively debate.

We are not on a path to failure,
Please don't get me wrong.
We still ensure our own successes,
We just don't worry about it long.

What is the point of living life,
With faulty hopes and dreams?
Why not let go and live for yourself,
Define what this life means?

This is where I found my peace,
My full love and happiness.
No strings attached is my best way,
I've never loved more than this.

Without fail we will go on,
Loving life to its fullest.
Quietly aiding those drowning in demons,
Showing them why life exists.

Until my bones are but dust,
And my heart fails to beat,
I will free myself from the dirt,
And live as I want to be.

I'm dying inside,
This time it's real.
Is this what pain is?
What is it like to feel?

I thought I'd saved myself,
I thought I'd done right.
But my soul is being torn,
Regrets cloud my sight.

I'm turning to an empty shell,
You thought me cold before.
This, the chill of despair,
Leaves me gasping on the floor.

The guilt destroys me,
It eats me alive.
The torture of my conscience,
Like the acid now inside.

I nearly broke today,
The closest I've ever come.
The weakness made me angry,
My stoicism undone.

My limbs drug heavy,
I couldn't think straight.
I'm reliving my 4 year,
Eternal debate.

But all is already lost,
I cast my dice years ago.
The part of me that held hope,
Never let my brain know.

The dreams that kept me going,
Have faded unto black.
The only thing I dream of now,
Is trying to go back.

My bed has transformed,
It is now a time machine.
It lets me travel back to when,
So much less was seen.

I fall asleep in the past,
But I wake to filthy present.
My beliefs start to **** me,
Faith I've come to resent.

These dreams are my punishment,
And none worse could there be.
They take me back to my failure,
And they crush me to my knees.

Imagine your own pain,
Yet twas not your fault.
Now imagine mine,
I am my own result.

It was not another,
Who cause this, my terrors.
It was only I,
Through my own errors.

Through my frailty and fear,
My idiocy and weakness.
My very own decisions,
Are what have brought this.

I used to wonder,
And ponder on love.
I deemed it a choice, no,
A curse from above.

But now I can see,
I was wrong yet again.
At least for me,
It is the definition of pain.

Death looks upon me,
And down with a grin.
And suddenly I fear it,
For my soul has grown thin.

For once in my life,
I wish not to die.
I have unfinished business,
From which I can't shy.

This hatred will follow me,
I wrote my own curse.
I chose through my weakness,
To ruin my only verse.

The pallid cloud surrounds me,
And reminds me of my shame.
It hurts just to say it,
To whisper my name.

The self pity angers me,
And yet, it is revealing.
Because for the first time,
I can't control my feelings.

Bittersweet this now is,
You might think a victory won.
Yet, such irony I am now,
Chained by my own freedom.

My priorities have come to light,
And they are not what I believed.
For years and years it seems,
I have been self deceived.

This pain is beyond bearable,
For it was not fortune's call.
It was I, and only I,
Who brought about this fall.

Part of me desires death,
The rest plods shakily on.
Either way, I can't control,
My heart dies with every dawn.

It seems to me so fitting,
That I've done it to myself.
I, who felt so in control,
Have destroyed my own health.

I am a cannon, firing blind,
Not tied nor anchored down.
Blasting holes and blowing smoke,
At everything around.

So I'm wondering now,
Is this what it is to feel?
It burns like a nightmare,
Yet this one feels so real.

I'm living my hell, my punishment,
How fitting it should be.
That life, the only thing that I loved,
Should so soon be taken from me.

I sealed my fate with a choice,
A failure to secure my own:
At the end my life, my night,
I will always be, alone.

It's hard to put down in ink,
Spinning strands as I think.
I can't concentrate with you in mind,
And all the words I left behind.

Unable to focus on tasks at hand,
I struggle through with one demand.
I just want to see your face,
To hold your hand, ignore this space.

Two hundred miles keep us apart,
Yet you have a solid grip on my heart.
You need not worry these nights at home,
I will not stray. I'll sleep alone.

I want you with all my being,
In my dreams, it's you I'm seeing.
You, my angel of perfection,
You my one and only affection.

Be with me now, as we rest.
The rise and fall of my chest,
Grants us again each other's face,
Across this empty, distant space.

I feel it crawling beneath your skin,
Slinking, squirming, deep within.
Beneath my touch you seize and reel,
Burning up with ***** zeal.

Your eyes aflame, deep and blue,
Such a sinful, delicious hue.
I feel the heated radiation,
I see your longing designation.

You look at me, into my eyes,
Searching past my calm disguise,
I fear you see the beast within,
He that longs to feed your sin.

I can't control it, I can't hold back,
Your burning lust, my twisted track.
An evil grin lights your face,
Now that you feel my blood race.

You take my hands, press them to you,
Knowing my desire to be true.
I drop a muffled, aching sound,
Feeling your dress fall to the ground.

I pull you in, rough and strong,
Your whimpers such a succulent song.
One more look into your eyes,
You are the sin that satisfies.

Silken hands of lustful flame,
Tracing down my twisting frame.
I in turn caress your face,
Prepared to enjoy this fall from grace.

Desire's fury now takes control,
Feeding the flames beneath my soul.
I can't resist your delicious feel,
The sensation of your ***** zeal.

Waves breaking all around,
Midnight sky, without a sound.
Sandy beach below my feet,
Ground slowly losing heat.
Wind blows your gentle hair,
Making me love the nighttime air.
Moonlit glow within your eyes,
Complementing happy sighs.
Your hand soft as ocean scent,
Taking mine on the descent.
Wavelike rhythm of your heart,
Nothing keeping us apart.
Midnight gentleness in your lips,
The feel of your skin on my fingertips.
We sit and watch the ocean view,
But it just can't compare to the beauty in you.

This Is the Morning

Morning air, brisk and clean,
Water reflecting sunrise sheen.
Fish break the the quiet glass,
Frogs jump as I pass.
Birds twitter in the trees,
Dragonflies buzz as they please.
Boots soaked with dewey damp,
Leave behind their muddy stamp.
Through grassy field, waist length,
Fresh scent lending strength.
Between trees centuries old,
Mottled bark still rough and cold.
From the forest into the glade,
To my stump, still in shade.
Sit and watch nature performing,
Yet another spectacular morning.

I love waking up to you like this, with the sheet pulled up to our waists, my arm around you, your hair all tangled in my face. A dusting of light squeezes through the gaps in the window curtains, gracing your cheek on the pillow beside mine. It plays in your hair, caresses your neck, and flutters down the length of your bare side. The feeling I get when you move against me is indescribable. Your skin. Your scent. Electrifying and calming all at once.

You never wake up before I do, leaving me time to admire your beauty. I have heard people say that they could watch the ocean forever, getting lost in the infinity of the waves and horizon. I feel that way about you. Forever I could listen to your gentle breath and watch the ceiling fan move the little wisp of hair near your ear.

Alas, you always wake, usually first with a slight stir of your legs. Then you take my arm, the one wrapped around you, and pull yourself closer to me until your back is against my chest and your feet tickle mine. I pull you closer to me still, kissing your neck just below the ear. This kiss never fails to finish waking you up, pulling you from whatever remnants were left of the dream you might've been in.

You roll over to face me, your chest against mine, our legs overlapping. Your hand comes up to stoke my hair as you kiss me, my hand on your hip. Morning begins as soon as you open your eyes. Those deep hazel eyes that I lose myself in. The eyes that I can find myself in. I kiss you once more before throwing off the covers and rolling out of bed.

Like clockwork, that is our morning routine. I love it. But this isn’t about our usual routine. This is about the mornings that start with more than a kiss.

This is about the mornings when you first stir and pull me close, pressing your hips against me. This is about the mornings when instead of just taking my arm, you take my hand beneath yours and direct my fingers down your neck, across your chest, to your waist. This is about the mornings when instead of a brief kiss on your neck, I place my kisses all over your body.

You slowly roll over to face me, the sunlight rolling across the incredible slopes of your bare body. My hand is in your messy, wonderful hair as we kiss. Your legs and mine are entangled, our toes warm under the sheet. Awe is the word that comes to mind as you, this beautiful person, climb on top of me, the lucky man. I love the way hair hangs messy in your face, tickling mine when you lean in for another deep kiss, body tingling as you guide me in.

It doesn’t feel hurried or hasty. It is slow and calm, a comfortable warmth only alluding to heat. This isn’t the fiery passion of the night before, both desperate to pleasure the other. It isn’t the reckless abandon of two lovers lost to the night. There will be no sore muscles or exhausted bodies when we are done. Instead, this feels like comfort, understanding. It feels like love.

You used to worry about how you looked when you woke up. You worried that you didn’t look **** without makeup, with messy hair, and the remnants of sleep in your face. But the truth is that I don’t mind if your hair is a mess, if sleep still dusts your eyes, or that lines from the pillow are imprinted on the side of your cheek. To me this is the epitome of comfort, the clearest way I can say that I want you. That I want you now, that I want you at any time, and that I always will. This is the time that I will think on as I go about my day, waiting to get back to you.

I love waking up to you like this.

Once words flew from my mind.
Filling every page, the rhymes aligned.
From brain to fingers to all the keys,
Every word came with such ease.

I could only write when you gave me pain.
And so it happened time and again,
Where you cut me open and left me bleeding,
Every drop was a new verse feeding.

But that was before we split apart,
Back before I examined my heart.
Amazing the effect you had on me,
It was impossible for me to foresee.

Now you don't get blood flowing.
Never again to get my keys going.
Only scars remain since I left you,
Yet it seems, my poems left too.

Dreams. Dreams. Come and gone,
Begin with the night, end with the dawn.
Darkness changes something within me,
The night finally sets me free.

Nine to five, that's my night,
Begins at dusk and ends with light.
The moon changes something within me,
The infinite stars all set me free.

Highest highs and lowest lows,
Passing with the evening throes.
Streetlights change something within me.
Sidewalks set my tired feet free.

Lonesome paths and friendly trails,
They all meet up at the rails.
The quiet changes something within me,
The silken silence sets my thoughts free.

A hundred years I could live tonight,
Me alone, here in the moonlight.
The darkness revealing the true me,
The night, finally setting me free.

It's nights like tonight,
When I can't close my eyes,
That I walk outside,
And admire these skies.

I offer my prayer,
Aloft to the Lord.
Asking Him gently,
If He might afford.

The luxury of knowing,
The path I should take.
So I might be confident,
In not making a mistake.

Rarely do I wonder,
If my prayer is heard.
For it is my belief,
That disbelief is absurd.

Yet I can't help but doubt,
That the answer will be,
In a way I understand,
Or can even be seen.

So I look into oblivion,
This black infinity,
And I wonder and whisper:
What's the point of me?

Am I but a pawn,
In some giant game?
Is there a point to being,
Or was I born insane?

Does anything matter,
Anything at all?
Or is this just natural,
Men rise and men fall?

I feel there must be more,
Something waiting at the end.
Something calling out,
Begging me to transcend.

To see through the lies,
To find the deeper truth.
To answer the unanswerable,
And rise above my youth.

There must be something more,
Anything to give meaning.
I'll accept an honest lie,
If I could sleep this evening.

Is this normal,
To be so filled with doubt?
So conflicted and saddened,
Within and without?

These the questions,
I ask those billion lights,
On these lonely and cold,
Long sleepless nights.

Some nights I find,
My answer in the stars.
When it finally hits me:
That's all they are.

Nothing special at all,
Scientific anomalies.
Not made for wishing,
No source of fantasy.

Simply there and no more,
A billion all spread thin.
The infinite emptiness,
Crawls beneath my skin.

I have my answers,
Though not to my prayer.
But I am no wise man,
No ancient sooth-sayer.

I am but another man,
Mortal and moral.
Singular and without,
Only part of a plural.

I am without purpose,
No belief in the world.
I stand on the precipice,
My flag fallen unfurled.

My weakness is that I live,
For myself, just me.
It was the only way I had,
Of setting myself free.

Yet now, on these nights,
Under heavenly contemplation,
I regret my selfish ways,
And my human resignation.

If I am to be denied,
A higher understanding,
I then need a purpose,
To inspire commanding.

I need a focus,
A plural catalyst,
Anything to give meaning,
To why I exist.

Something to live for,
Some reason to hope.
Something to die for,
To narrow my scope.

And that is what happens,
Under these lonely skies.
On nights like tonight,
When I can't close my eyes.



This is how I feel. All the time.

It's nights like tonight,
When I can't close my eyes,
That I walk outside,
And admire these skies.

I offer my prayer,
Aloft to the Lord.
Asking Him gently,
If He might afford.

The luxury of knowing,
The path I should take.
So I might be confident,
In not making a mistake.

Rarely do I wonder,
If my prayer is heard.
For it is my belief,
That disbelief is absurd.

Yet I can't help but doubt,
That the answer will be,
In a way I understand,
Or can even be seen.

So I look into oblivion,
This black infinity,
And I wonder and whisper:
What's the point of me?

Am I but a pawn,
In some giant game?
Is there a point to being,
Or was I born insane?

Does anything matter,
Anything at all?
Or is this just natural,
Men rise and men fall?

I feel there must be more,
Something waiting at the end.
Something calling out,
Begging me to transcend.

To see through the lies,
To find the deeper truth.
To answer the unanswerable,
And rise above my youth.

There must be something more,
Anything to give meaning.
I'll accept an honest lie,
If I could sleep this evening.

Is this normal,
To be so filled with doubt?
So conflicted and saddened,
Within and without?

These the questions,
I ask those billion lights,
On these lonely and cold,
Long sleepless nights.

Some nights I find,
My answer in the stars.
When it finally hits me:
That's all they are.

Nothing special at all,
Scientific anomalies.
Not made for wishing,
No source of fantasy.

Simply there and no more,
A billion all spread thin.
The infinite emptiness,
Crawls beneath my skin.

I have my answers,
Though not to my prayer.
But I am no wise man,
No ancient sooth-sayer.

I am but another man,
Mortal and moral.
Singular and without,
Only part of a plural.

I am without purpose,
No belief in the world.
I stand on the precipice,
My flag fallen unfurled.

My weakness is that I live,
For myself, just me.
It was the only way I had,
Of setting myself free.

Yet now, on these nights,
Under heavenly contemplation,
I regret my selfish ways,
And my human resignation.

If I am to be denied,
A higher understanding,
I then need a purpose,
To inspire commanding.

I need a focus,
A plural catalyst,
Anything to give meaning,
To why I exist.

Something to live for,
Some reason to hope.
Something to die for,
To narrow my scope.

And that is what happens,
Under these lonely skies.
On nights like tonight,
When I can't close my eyes.

I was gazing out to ocean view,
And somehow it reminded of you.
Such depth here can be found,
Here to the tune of seaside sound.

The ocean spreads out far and wide,
So many things it sequesters inside.
Indeed I think you do too,
So many secrets hidden in you.

The pounding waves never ending,
Something like your will, never bending.
Stubborn and strong without fail,
The steady strength on which you sail.

Stormy clouds just barely visible,
Hint at anger oh so subtle.
Rains pour down in far off sheets,
Ruthless there, the stormy beats.

Alas what beauty is present here,
Indescribable when I come so near.
Indeed like you, my breath it steals,
But I so love the way it feels.

My heart beats faster at the sight,
Subliminal perfection beneath the moonlight.
The stars reflected far from shore,
As in your eyes I so adore.

The tide comes in as though calling,
It seems to know that I am falling.
Deeper, deeper, into blue abyss,
And into you, I don't resist.

Shells of such intricate expression,
Wash up from the salty depression.
Such beautiful works of artistry,
Reminisce of those you brought to be.

The ocean, the ocean, there it lies,
Such beauty, wonder, joy at its side.
It covers my earth, flooding my thought,
It is something I have always sought.

Indeed I realize why the sight,
Brought thoughts of you that starry night.
Such magnificence there in beauty view,
Such depth and wonder found in you.

5** Years
1825 Days
43800 Hours
2628000 Minutes
157680000 Seconds

Of my life.

That is how much you took from me.
The time I spent dying.
That is how much I gave for you.
The time I spent trying.

That is how long that I have dreamed.
The time I spent away.
That is how long it took me to understand.
The time I spent delayed.

Forever doesn't seem so long,
Once the water finally clears.
The filth all swept down the drain,
With imaginary tears.

The story of the hero,
Though mournful to behold,
Does bring to light a glorious end,
The one I soon will hold.

Five long, sad, years,
Spent in something like misery.
They shaped the person I've become,
They defined the who of me.

They cured me of all weakness,
Of hope and love and light.
They broke me down and built me up.
Inspiring confidence to flight.

Nearly two thousand days,
Not one did miss a thought of you.
Such emotion did they inspire!
But alas I made it through.

I know those days to be over,
For you are left behind.
Twenty four hours passed,
Not a hint of you on my mind.

Forty thousand hours,
What a joke that number seems.
Yet over ten thousand,
Spent seeing you in my dreams.

Now hours are spent alive,
Full bodied and whole.
None spent lost in hopeless dreams,
Warm bodies against the cold.

Millions of minutes you ruled my heart,
You who governed my desire.
I laugh aloud at the thoughts,
Of the weakness you inspired.

Looking back at me, I can see,
Each moment spent a mistake.
But as is the nature of such things,
Those again I'll never make.

A hundred million seconds.
That is how long I loved you.
Up until the very last,
I knew it to be true.

Like forbidden fruit on sweetest vine,
I truly wished to partake.
But through the years, days, hours, minutes, seconds,
You were my biggest mistake.

…is what my name means.
I think it fitting, for me, so it seems.
I can never decide to which I belong.
Just as likely to commit right or wrong.
Perhaps I was predestined – I didn’t choose my name.
Someone must have known. Parents? God? The same.
Maybe my subconscious decided it should be so,
It heard my names meaning and let both sides grow.
Morality became fluid, bending at will.
Yet, who’s is a morality? Is yours mine? Is it still?
Why can’t I make up my own moral story,
On who’s authority does my conscience worry?
I think my morality is now all my own.
Yet for half of my actions, you beg I atone,
You pray I repent from what I think right,
Then laud my achievements round dinner each night.
I’m getting mixed signals, how can I be two?
Half of me perfect, half a false truth?
So it seems to me that the dark and the light,
Have split me even, half day and half night.
Half of me despicable, a monstrosity of lies,
Half of me perfect in your righteous eyes.
I need a connection, a passion, a choice to make,
I need to choose one or other – a single path to take.
The division is ripping, tearing me apart,
I feel joy in anger, hateful love in my heart.
With one decision, I’ll choose what I mean.
Of the Light and the Dark isn’t very fitting, it seems.

I don't know why she feels alone,
I've never really understood.
She fills a room with a quip and smile,
The way no other could.

I don't know why she cries at night,
Or why laughter is so rare.
If only she knew that the very sound,
Locks me in the moment, then and there.

I don't know why she lies to me,
Always saying that things are okay.
She doesn't see that I'd do anything,
To bring happiness to her day.

I don't know why her pen falls,
From hands so shaking and cold.
When once before she wrote the world,
Carving joy in words so bold.

I don't know why she feels the need,
To put herself through pain.
Why she can't stand to sleep it off,
When she cries over him again.

I don't know who she is,
I don't know why she does.
I don't know when she went,
I only know who she was.

A wonder it is this starry night,
Grace hearken close to me.
Forever looking on at my weighty plight,
Countless observers of my infinity.

From drawn sweater strings to rumbling exhaust,
This something follows me home.
It reminds me of all the longing lost,
And of my self-titled, empty tome.

From little laughs and midnight streaks,
I've learned to love my disappointment.
The ways of the world leave a future bleak,
No solace in any appointment.

From dusk til dawn I tarry not,
Lest I find myself stuck in place.
From day to day I search for thought,
To bring light to my now empty face.

I fear for all I have so far loved,
I fear I will lose them in my lies.
They won't understand my flight to above,
They won't understand me when I die.

Why can none understand this way,
Won't acknowledge that I choose life over fear?
What is there left that I can say,
That validates holding passion most near?

Forever and onward it seems to me,
That I will be running to find.
I'll be looking and looking for my final peace,
Until the end of time.

I want to be with you,
See you
Hear you
Smell you
Touch you
Taste you
I want to feel you, in my heart, beside me.
I want to know what you’re thinking,
Please tell me your dreams.
I want to hear every small idea that pops into your beautiful mind.

I’m not good at this, I know I’m not.
I never claimed to be.
This is the point I lose my footing,
The place I fail to see.
This is where I need some help,
I need you beside me.

I miss the laughter, my God, it hurts.
To think that I might miss a smile.
Please come back, I miss you dearly,
I haven’t slept in a while.

I’m sorry if I pressured you,
If I stressed way too much.
I never meant to push you away,
Or to squeeze you in my clutch.

I only wanted to be with you,
To try and brighten your every day.
I regret every time I never told you,
Every chance I failed to say…

I love you.
I love you.
If only you could see that it is true.
I’ve never felt this way before,
It’s only been with you.

I’m sorry if that was scary,
If I came on far too strong.
I know it to be a flaw in me,
I let passion string me along.

It feels like drowning without you,
I struggle with every breath.
Please come back, my oxygen,
Your love saved me, I confess.

I don’t know what I can do,
I wish I knew how to fight.
I don’t want to push you,
But you are all I see at night.

I long to look into your eyes,
And see something more than distaste.
I need to hear your voice again,
Watch my heart laid waste.

I’ve asked nothing of you but patience,
I’ll ask nothing more of you still.
I’m drowning here without you,
Come back to me if you will.

Withered wings of wanting height,
Soon to die for love of flight.
Here to sound the dreaded call,
Here the reaping at the fall.

We hurried here and quickened there,
But lost our calm to unkept hair.
The goals of all so soon let go,
Unraveled in the wanton glow.

The sound of space roars silent here,
The deafening answer to our turned ear.
Narry again comes the dreaded call,
Bittersweet love to lose the fall.

We shouted and cried with all we had,
Trials and tribulations driving mad.
Formidable strength too young to fail,
Sent packing down through winding trail.

The scent of shame soon loses taste,
Now accustomed to our normal waste.
Few echoes left of binding call,
Few echoes left to remember at all.

The golden light dawns yet again,
Past westward reapings troubled then,
The dirt and ash falls to the floor,
Fiery wings take flight once more.

Ask me now and I will write,
A poem for you to read tonight.
I will fill it with meter and rhyme,
Bursting out of every line.
Packed with emotion, joy or strife,
Or just a description of everyday life.
If you ask for me to uplift,
I may struggle to make that shift.
But this poem is just for you,
If it is happy, I'm happy too.
Writing of daisies, or lateness of hour,
The love in a smile, or summer shower,
I won't falter, I won't stall,
It doesn't matter, I'll write them all!
Maybe you'll like it, maybe not,
Just a few letters and dots.
Mind you, all picked with care,
But if you don't, I won't despair.
Always another to be written,
Another rhyme still yet hidden.
So ask me now, and I will write,
With my minimal mental might.
Ask for love or ask for truth,
Ask for God or joys of youth.
It doesn't matter if I'm up till two,
I'm writing this poem, just for you.

2/22/2013

I live a poetic life,
Full of joy, full of strife.
My years are all metered time,
My days somehow seem to rhyme.

My thoughts are stanzas of four lines,
My speech is full of abstract signs.
I hear words as though color,
Music fuels me like no other.

The steady rhythm of my feet,
Sometimes loses iambic beat.
My dances fluid like silver truth,
Cheeky remarks prove my youth.

My sins are masked hyperbole,
Smudged perfection, italic gray.
My faults revealed as similes,
Numerous as the fallen leaves.

My food tastes of deeper meaning,
Drink like conclusions redeeming.
Adverbs are like catching the flu,
Adjectives sadly set me askew.

Trying to live a verse on love,
Reading a book on what's above.
A letter, a line, that's just me,
Because I live a life of poetry.

Standing before iron rods,
I've reached the point of no return.
Struggling ever against the odds,
The chain on which I yearn.

Words now fail me every night,
When sorrow pours out in thought.
Hope abandons with the light,
Leaving prayers left to rot.

I've tried so many times to say,
What exactly is going on.
I put talent upon display,
But my heart dies with every dawn.

Ten thousand words and many more,
I've left laying, only half said.
The rest are strewn about the floor,
Lifeless, soulless, dead.

I tried to show what I couldn't write,
But neither did that suffice.
I chained myself, cuffed too tight,
Each strain another slice.

Without pause, again I failed,
Letting eyes command my thought.
Delicate plans brutally derailed,
All my work and heart for naught.

I struggle to climb from the ashes,
Like a pathetic, weakened phoenix.
But I again bear new lashes,
While the flaws go on unfixed.

My fate is sealed by my weakness,
Though I knew what to solve.
I'll never recover from the abyss,
I've fallen, even devolved.

Looking up to precipice,
I've reached the point of no return.
I couldn't swallow my pride and ego,
Now too late to learn.

I know you are there, somewhere.
I believe you must exist.
All my life I've dreamed of you,
All my life I've hit and missed.

Goals each come easy to me,
Never failing to score my desires.
Yet love has come and gone with years,
Continuous cycle of sparks and fires.

Working hard to become myself,
To be someone worth needing or wanting.
I knew that if I loved myself first,
You might see someone worth loving.

Through all the worlds that I have achieved,
I've learned I don't do it for myself.
The hours in iron, in the books, on the field,
They weren't for me, but for someone else.

They were all for you, for you,
Whose name I do not yet know.
Everything I have built or achieved,
Was only just for show.

It was to make me the person I am today,
The man now armed to love.
It was to show me who I needed finding,
To build character worth dreaming of.

I know my campaign to soon bear fruit,
For how can I, or you, so quickly fail?
We've made it this far, we've tried so hard,
Both taking the less beaten trail.

Every mouth we have kissed,
Every lover held in the night,
Each has only been practice, for you and I,
Each that we might get it right.

So come to me my love,
My anticipation weighs heavy.
I've practiced years for you, and only you,
Come and find me ready.

I can see that you need someone, something; you need a distraction now. How convenient, here I am. I'll help you bounce back. The perfect rebound, I'm the cure for your new illness.

I'll take you to every beautiful place, I'll kiss you under ever landmark. I'll wipe away their memories, pushing mine into their place.

Let me take you on new kinds of dates, the kind you've never felt. I can show you excitement and danger, how to hit back below the belt.

I'll show you hot and fast. We'll make love and then we'll ****. I'll spin you around and then go down, making you forget whoever he was.

I can act out your fantasies, indeed, you'll play in mine too. I have not shame nor hindrance yet. I am the embodiment of two extremes, push you to your very limits.

In me, you can find everything that a fun relationship may be. You'll find dreams; what you like and don't. You'll forget the pain of the recent past. I am the perfect distraction.

A perfect distraction perhaps, but no more can I be. Odds are I'll get bored and you'll get tired, and we will cease as you and me. We can part ways, shaking hands, retaining only memories as we're freed.

Let me be your rebound, it's something of my speciality. Let me be your distraction, let me set you free.

I want you to remember me in this moment.

Years from now when things have changed, when you might not see me in the same way, when we may not even know each other anymore, I want you to remember that at some point in my life, at some point in "us", that I was this person. I want you to know that this person will always be inside of me somewhere.

When you are
Looking at me with distaste at something I've done,
Picking me up because I'm a mess,
Crying because I said something,
Or because I didn't say what I needed to,
Laying in bed looking at an empty pillow beside you,
Walking around an empty house because I had to get out,
Looking through ancient pictures of the two of us together,
Wondering how I could have ****** up as bad as I did,
Wondering why we don't feel the way you used to,
Wondering why you and I don't work anymore,
Wondering why we're falling apart,
I want you to remember.

Remember this moment.

That I love you.
That right now, I'm a boy who just wants to be with you,
Who wants to care for you,
Play with you,
Run around and explore and sing songs with you,
Make love to you, kiss you in every beautiful place,
Remember the look that you see in my eye,
Remember that right now I would take a bullet for you,
Jump off a bridge for you,
Remember that right now, right here, in this moment,
You are the only important thing in the world that I want.

Remember this moment.

Because no matter how bad things get, this person will always be inside me. The boy looking at you now, filled with so much love - he isn't going anywhere. He may be hard to dig out, hard to find, buried beneath years of troubles and fights and crushed dreams, but he will still be there. I'll still be this moment inside.

When that time comes, I'll just need some help finding this moment again. I might need a little help to remember.

I have a bad memory. I need you to remember for me.

Don't let me forget that I love you.

Where once was joy, lies sadness now,
Where elation used to soar.
Where once was anticipation and excitement,
Now empty, gone, no more.

The trap has closed around me,
The snares tangle my feet.
No more to fight, I can’t resist,
The claws are buried deep.

Straitjacket and gag is my reward,
What did I do to earn this garb?
Sedated on the surgeons table,
They’re trying to remove my heart.

I came only with good intentions,
Asking not for any such pain.
I feel each incision at distance,
A trickle of pride circling the drain.

How long before they rend me open,
How long will I resist defeat?
I thought myself stronger than this,
Perhaps the curse did marry me.

I can feel their hands inside me,
Searching through my gaping chest.
Clawing, clinging, wrenching, grasping,
Why did mother say they knew best?

Why can’t I continue the way I was?
What is so wrong with who I am?
Why does everyone feel the need,
To bind my mouth and hands?

Finally they have found my heart,
Their hands are firmly grasping.
Pulling, pulling, a ******* gasp,
Let me be is all I’m asking!

The veins and arteries strain,
My soul puts up a fight.
But I can’t resist the ways of God,
I’m no match for the surgeon’s knife.

They put it in a box, a chest,
I see them lock it with a key.
They are off to bury both,
Stealing the essence of me.

Gone now is my spirit,
Gone now is my fight.
Forever ended is my battle,
Hidden away in earth and night.

The audience around me roars,
My mother cheers, “They’ve done it!”
Only a few look on with somber eyes,
They know this is not what I wanted.

In my chest they place a new heart,
This one of white, marbled stone.
“You’ll be okay son, this is best,
Eventually we all must atone.”

Resignation fills me,
Resistance fully comes to an end.
I suppose I must make the best of it,
I suppose I’ll continue to pretend.

Here I lay in a room of white,
Innocence, clean and pure.
I close my eyes and listen close,
But my heart beats no more.

She has my heart on the line, keeps me high strung.
If only she knew the power she held.
Her laughter chains me down while her smiles shackle my feet,
I cannot run, I cannot escape, her memory follows me wherever I go.
I cannot drown her out, block the thoughts, or hide from she, my *****.
She ruins my concentration, starves my love, and steals my every focus.
I cannot find repose.

3/22/14

Heavy on my heart,
Always on my mind.
Forever we must part,
I must leave you behind.

I won't survive more,
I've really got to go.
I'm walking out the door,
Feet don't be slow.

I'll do what I must,
To rip you from my skull.
I'll blame it on lust,
The love far too dull.

I make up lies,
And throw up the walls.
I'll forget your sighs,
That echoed down this hall.

I'm burning every photo,
Trashing every letter.
Forcing to let go,
I've got to get better.

I'm breaking the locket,
The one you gave for Christmas.
I'll hate the way I loved it,
And swear I'll never miss this.

I'm filling my filthy head,
With all unpleasant thoughts.
Abandoning my bed,
And all our pleasant spots.

I'll never ever go,
To the places I took you.
I'll never ever show,
I'll never let you through.

I'm blocking your number,
Deleted from my phone.
I swear I'll always slumber,
And never miss your tone.

I'm forgetting your scent,
When you slept next to me.
Leaving every moment spent,
Now thinking that I'm free.

I'll forget your taste,
And lie about your passion.
I'm doing this with haste,
Sinister in fashion.

I'll call you a failure,
Lie to all my friends.
Saying that I hate her,
And I'm so glad it ends.

If I ever see you,
In passing on the street,
I'll be without a clue,
As if we didn't meet.

My final big confession,
The only one that's true:
I've learned my lesson,
I've been corrupted by you.

I fell in love not thinking,
But knowing you toxic.
Your love and scheming,
Now leave me sick.

You are gone forever,
I've thrown you away.
I knew this would never,
End any another way.

For C

It seems to me
That the things I left untouched
Turned out to be the best.
And the things that I tried to fix
to win
to defeat
to help
Are worse than they were before.

It seems to me
I must find a certain romance
In people I cannot save.
And the battles that I cannot win
survive
escape
end
Are the only battles worth fighting.