when the tears come at night
and my entire body shakes, as each piece of my being
falls deeper into the dark pit
i know i am living for no one at all

in my youth
i would sprint up
the 16 stairs from my basement
the only light switch at the bottom
and in the dark, I  forced my way to the top
my feet fast as lightning
so the monsters lurking in the dark
wouldn't catch me;  they couldn't take my soul

but then I  got older
and the 16 stairs in the basement
didn't seem as daunting
i don't run up the stairs anymore
because i don't fear the monsters

a small piece of me
hopes that perhaps if i go up the stairs too slowly
they will catch me
and take my soul, envelop me in the darkness
i know they cannot pull me any further down the hole of darkness
that i dug in my brain

The route feels so familiar
so sure
so confident
and yet
i'm not prepared


Like walking through a maze backward
i know the route
i've gone the distance already
and yet
one wrong turn
and it's all over

i feel like i haven't met you yet
and i already let
you in
i already let you know

i'm a fool
only for you

i'm sorry
i'm a lot of things

like walking through a maze backward
i'm anticipating the turns,
i'm anticipating the end

we are all versions of our favorite people

we
extract
traits or quirks
from people we like
and repurpose them for ourselves

or

we are all copies of each other
because when it comes down to it
what really separates us from one another?
what makes you better than me?
race?
***?
wealth?

we are all copies of each other
we are all based off the same principal
we want to love
live
smile
laugh

we
shouldn't prevent each other from finding these things
we
should embrace and accept our differences
and to those who don't approve of a lifestyle
fake it till you make it

remember

don't prevent people from finding happiness
allow
people to find a light

someday you'll find yours too

one day you asked me to write a song
just for you and me
and gladly i did
in secrets the song hid
for it was only for you and me

we sang the song everyday
even in a one horse open sleigh
until the song got old
and every lyric was sold
and you asked me to write a new song

you asked me to rhyme with laura  
and i asked why
and you said my songs were so beautiful
you wanted to share one with your mother

so i wrote a song about laura
how she is as sweet as flora
and as i walking through the park
as it was about to get dark
and i heard the song about laura

and i looked to see if i'd be seeing you serenade your mother
but no, instead
a red head
was laying by your side
listening to the sweet melodies of my song

i decided to join in
to celebrate this girl who replaced me
and you were shocked
and said it's not
what you think it is

i didn't want to hear it
i didn't want to see
her lips touch yours
the photos of us were shoved into drawers

and to this day i think of your song
what joy it brought me
but it was replaced
with sin and disgrace

no more will i sing the song
because all along it didn't belong to me

S-
swelting sun making me sweat
sleeveless shirts are a staple in my closet
skimpy skirts stick closely to my body

U-
urban adventures with underrated friends
unique experiences that are unforgettable
unhappy mother as I arrive home at unfit hours

M-
mainly mall shopping with money i don't have
making my own way, i hate having a job
marking myself down for college courses

M-
muffintops are not part of my bikini body
mornings are the only time it's not blazing hot
math is not in my vocabulary

E-
eating excellent watermelon
easily drifting off to sleep
excited for this evening's events

R-
resting 'round the clock
running from responsibility
rules aren't referring to me

too much makeup
means i'm trying too hard
to little makeup
and i'm ugly
i can never be just right

i lose fifteen pounds
and i'm anorexic
i gain back 5 pounds
and i'm morbidly obese
i can never be just right

one solo cup of liquid at a party
and i'm a *****
two cups and i'm a drunk
i can never be just right

i wear a short dress i love to a party
and i'm asking for it
i wear a sweater to school
and i'm a bore
i can never be just right

i can never be just right