It never was a cold love.
I dreamt of the snow falling as you pulled me closer
and hoped for New Year's intoxication
that would lead to a confession of adoring establishment.
We were fueled by fiery heat.
When days were longer than starry nights,
but we made the nights count.
A tangle of heat and freedom
rather than simple winter air.

We had always been confined to a timeline more distant and blurry
So how could I expect that vow to stay alive as the world around us freezes?

i want someone to talk to again.
to listen to any meaningful thoughts,
and yield intellectual conversations with.
but i have accepted that i am simply a body.
a combination of cells that can bring you pleasure.
not the freckles that dot my arms or the dimple that appears when i feel genuine happiness.
nothing but ***** and *** and places for your uninvited hands to reach.
so i give you what you want,
let you take whatever you need to feel complete,
in hopes that we can lay on your bed after,
and simply talk.
but the second you are done with me, i am pushed away without a single word.
and the next girl comes in,
but you don’t look into her beautiful eyes or take into account how inspiring her words are,
instead you notice the places she is bigger or smaller than i am,
and use us both as another tally on your wall.

“it’s cheesy but..”
i knew what the question would be.
the most casual ice breaker.
an essential bit of knowledge about someone to know them at a baseline level.
“..what’s your favorite color?”

“green.”
i replied shortly.
trying to hide the parallel occurring in my mind.
because he asked.
he wondered.
it was so different from that night you looked at me and said,
“green right?”
i was confused until you continued,
“that’s your favorite color?”

like the trees on the night you kissed me as we danced under stars.
like the fireworks in early july where you held me in your arms.
like the sheets we found ourselves tangled up in over and over again.

“how’d you know?”
i asked you as the connection between our eyes grew.
“i just did. it’s mine too.”


and so now we share a favorite color.
along with those memories of a time where there was love growing like the green of the earth,
rather than the green of envy and hatred.
maybe with him i’ll share something else.

but my favorite color will always be ours.

i find myself searching for remnants of you.
pieces of the person i thought i understood left over from the storm that you so carelessly created.
cast away fragments of an identity i could once correctly perceive but now struggle to pick apart.
and as i search for these omitted components of someone i cherished,
my hopelessness grows more and more.
because how will i ever repair the misplaced shape my soul has morphed into,
when i cannot seem to rehabilitate the idea i have of you in my head to fit this new persona you have constructed.
and as the nights grow longer,
and days shorten,
perhaps those forgotten pieces will materialize.
or perhaps it is all a tragic and solemn endeavor
that ends with me forgetting who you were.

i pray for you every night.
even during those times where i doubt in God.
and when that doesn’t seem to work,
i wish on every single star.
i spend birthday candle wishes on the thought of you,
waste away dandelions in hopes of a trade,
my breath for a moment of being yours again.

and in those prayers,
i barter with God.
to bring you the happiness you’ve been searching for,
to fill your days with the self fulfillment i know you crave.
i pray you’ll find yourself again,
and see the future through hopeful eyes,
i pray someday you’ll be able to see yourself,
as the capable, beautiful person you are.

and after i beg God to bring you joy again,
i ask Him if maybe i could be a part of that optimistic future.
because although my prayers turn selfish,
i still believe it’s us in the end.

i sit here
resting on everyone else’s wavelength
running on their borrowed time
since i tend to have too much of mine own
spending the hours waiting
hoping for the timelines to meet up
anticipating what it will be like
when there’s a moment for me.

most of all i miss saying goodnight to you.
closing my eyes and processing that the last thing i heard was “i love you”.
dreaming of what we would create in our infinite tomorrows.
imagining you there next to me,
easing my anxiety with your touch.
breathing in the same air under the same blankets.
and second most of all i miss waking up,
to the optimism that surrounded the future we had.
when that future was of us,
and when i knew my days would be filled of i love you’s

the last time i sat here was with you,
on the smallest step off the porch in my backyard,
you grabbed my hand in yours and told me you loved me.
so much has changed since then.
i fondly recall now how i couldn’t focus on anything but your eyes,
the chill in the air brought me closer to you.
this time around the crickets fill the emptiness,
that has been surrounding me since you left.
i let myself shiver,
and wonder if you were here,
how different things would be.

for now or forever?
i asked about the break you were instilling between us.
and your eyes fogged over,
your heart skipped a beat,
i knew as much as you wanted to be honest,
“for now”,
was the greatest lie of all.
but you’re still my home,
my love for you is endless,
so i hope for that world where “for now”,
replaces “forever”.

the thought of losing you leaves agony in the indents you have created within my heart. the waves and creases filled with thoughts of regret. tucked away corners now coated in a melancholy longing for that astonishing glance you used to give me. when i cry, i can hear the whispers of lullabies sung to me in your sedative sound. as strong as they are now, filled with gusto and ease, one day they will be isolated memories along with the rest of you. indentations remaining after you depart.

you used to call me beautiful.
so much it never felt like a compliment.
almost a need rather than a want.
it became fully expected rather than used as flattery.
comparisons between my earthly body and earthly beauty were not uncommon,
and remarks on what you saw in me solely customary.

now i struggle to remember how you saw delicacy in my flaws.
instead your words are filled with incantations of what i lack.
your eyes have lost the old look of loving intoxication,
presently they see what there is too much of,
what could be adjusted or covered.

and where you once found beauty in my words,
exclusively remorse remains.

i knew i was in love with you when i kissed you
in the back of our best friends car
and felt a change overcome me

suddenly i knew i was where i needed to be
and that moment took over
my soul connected with yours through our lips

i’m not alone in being sad.
that’s the worst part about it .
no matter how much i try,
everyone else will think they understand.
i’m not sure if i want them to.
not sure if i want to be alone in this feeling.
or if i’d rather have a companion.

i’m terrified of letting you love me.
of giving that side of myself up again.
and exposing myself to those flames once more.
the burns from her are slowly recovering,
but the fear hasn’t quite left.
i know you would help treat the burns,
rather than leave me for dead.
but still,
the exposure to your heat.
is frightening all the same.

my soul intertwined with yours,
the second our eyes locked.
hearing your voice
made everything feel right.
the way you make time move so quickly
i could spend hours in that car with you,
listening to every thought you have.

five months and five days,
that’s how long it took to fall apart.
for the movie plot plan to begin,
and then come to a final curtain call.
for all the streetlights to turn green,
and then change back to red.
for the leaves to fall away,
and then grow back new.

five months and five days should feel like growing,
but since you’re gone it feels like shrinking.

i wish i knew what i did wrong,
i wish i knew what to apologize for,
i wish i could live in those five months and five days forever.


five months and five days;
that’s the time it took for you to fall out of love.
that’s the time it took for me to become alone again.

i want to cry so bad.
as proof that i’m still here,
or evidence of any ability to feel left in my soul.
but i can’t.
trust me i try my hardest,
i put on our song,
and watch our show,
and read the last letter you ever sent.
but nothing works.

it’s funny because when i was a kid,
everyone called me a crybaby.
at every inconvenience,
you could find me in tears.
i miss that me,
the one that cried,
the one that felt.

i’m afraid of you not thinking of me anymore.

i showered today and realized
i was washing the last of you away.
the last kisses left on my face,
the last time you would hold me in your arms,
followed my shampoo down the drain.
i tried to wash away the hopes of you coming back
and deciding that you want me
i tried to wash away the last words you said,
that have been repeating since they came out of your mouth.
but i’m still stuck with this fantasy in my head
that you care
and you’ll come back
or i’ll be able to fix it.

if only i could wash away the thought of you forever.

i have a job interview next week
at the ice cream shop we passed downtown
after our first double date from boys with our school

who would’ve thought we hate eachother now
who would’ve though that the reason i hated the date wasn’t because it was that boy
but because it was A boy





**** the mormon church for making you hate me

i saw someone who looked like me today,
as i scrolled on my phone.
i didn’t realize what i was realizing,
but found comfort in the familiarity of how they looked.

until i clicked the “view comments” button,
how everyone else wasn’t okay,
with how they looked,
how i look.

and i didn’t even hate myself,
until i saw hate comments,
meant for another soul to hear.

im sitting in my bed
7:12 am
i see a post you liked
it reminded me of something that should remind you of me
i wonder if you thought of me
maybe you meant to send it my way

maybe you didn’t mean to kiss him

maybe you meant to come to my place on friday

maybe we’re just a happy collection of maybes

or maybe you planned on this.

i hate red.
and you know that, my love.

so why can’t you help me get back to the blue sky.
and the green button.

i don’t want to bring any of the purple into your life.
because although i’m safe in the purple,

you are afraid.

lately i’ve been
                          too tired
to get the words out.


                                           you always seemed to
energize me



but i’m alone now.

            with no energy source.

and no where to turn.
    

                                        but to the bad place again.

i told myself,
“a year from now they’ll be choosing you”
but here we are.
another trip around the sun complete.
and once again i’m the odd one out.

when people say,
“you rely on other opinions too much”
do they really understand why?
do they understand how trapped i feel?
how the earth keeps turning,
yet i’m stuck in the same place.

and i can’t go back,
to being stuck there alone.
but you chose someone else again.

you step out of my car,
and i head back to my place,
as the stoplight turns green,
i can’t help but be filled with joy,
you make my soul explode with positivity,
and fill me with all the hope in the world.

i wash your kisses off my face,
and smell your perfume laced on my skin,
when i close my eyes or take a breath,
i’m back on that white sofa in my parents basement,
and you’re loving me all over again.

i can’t wait for so much more loving  with you.

you want to take it slow.
i’m much more of a fast paced person.
while you intensely watch the movies,
i look up the endings.
and when you wait at a red light you feel content,
while i try to rush the color change with my mind.
but for you darling,
i’ll go as slow as i can.

i didn’t know how empty i was,
until you made me whole.
every touch of your hand,
completes me.

nothing could compare,
to the feeling of kissing you.
and having you all for myself,
****.

if i could shapeshift,
my spine would show and my collarbones would cut.
if i could shapeshift,
my wrists would shrink and my thighs would disappear.
if i could shapeshift,
my waist would sink in and my hips would smooth out.
if i could shapeshift,
i would turn into someone you could love.

when i close my eyes,
i picture laying on your chest,
with your hands wrapped around my waist.
it smells like vanilla and cherry,
it tastes like gingerbread icing,
it feels like home.

we always joked that i was right about everything;

but i wasn’t right about you.

i thought i was shaking because of the cold.
i thought i was shaking as a simple reaction to the weather.
for so long i believed that.
and now i sit here,
shaking,
uncontrollably,
no way to escape it.
the anxiety makes it’s way down my body,
starting with a headache and then trouble breathing and then pain in my stomach and then my hands and feet begin to sweat.
and all i can think,
is how i need you here,
to hold me,
tell me how to fix myself,
help me out of this place,
please i beg you.

but i don’t know where you are.

the mind is only as deep as the ocean is wide, for as people we must attempt to grasp both the mind and the ocean.

but i’m afraid of the water.

we listened to bon iver while i drove you home,
that final time.
i had a feeling it would be the end,
but i didn’t say goodbye.
now you’re too far gone,
nothing but a memory and impressions on my skin and the smell lingering on my clothes and the empty bottle of wine.
and those small things you left behind,
insignificant to you,
but they make up my whole world.
now i listen to bon iver as i pass that road,
and can never muster up a sufficient goodbye.

when you have undying hope,
and see the world in new colors,
and everything is finally working out,
that’s the worst kind of pain.
because it all ends and you wish you could’ve stopped it.
i wish i could go back now,
and change how hopeful i was,
but i also miss that hope.
and some of it is still there,
although i’m not sure sure if that’s good or bad.

she says i love you to everyone she knows,
because she’s afraid it will be the last time she can.
and i say it back,
but it’s forced.
and i struggle.
for so long those words didn’t make sense to me.
but now when i say them back to her,
as she leaves my car,
i mean them.
but in a different way than she does.

on those days when i felt so alone,
and needed a hug,
i reached out to give the universe,
one
big
hug.
she deserves it after everything she does,
and i’m sure watching over us all day,
she wants to hug us back.

i never thought
i’d hold a hand,
that didn’t make me full of fear.

but your hand,
delicate fingers
and scars from the cold.

wraps me in a hug
that doesn’t suffocate
but guides me.

and with your hand in mind,
i feel safe.
please don’t let go.

because you don’t understand;
the internal hurt.
the emotional surge begging to escape,
the way i hate myself for everything i do,
and how one word from you could make the world light up again,
or cause the end of it all.

it’s not that you hate talking about feelings.


you just hate talking about mine.