mae - Hello Poetry

mae Nov 2021

12:32am

It never was a cold love.
I dreamt of the snow falling as you pulled me closer
and hoped for New Year's intoxication
that would lead to a confession of adoring establishment.
We were fueled by fiery heat.
When days were longer than starry nights,
but we made the nights count.
A tangle of heat and freedom
rather than simple winter air.

We had always been confined to a timeline more distant and blurry
So how could I expect that vow to stay alive as the world around us freezes?

mae Oct 2021

who’s body is it?

i want someone to talk to again.
to listen to any meaningful thoughts,
and yield intellectual conversations with.
but i have accepted that i am simply a body.
a combination of cells that can bring you pleasure.
not the freckles that dot my arms or the dimple that appears when i feel genuine happiness.
nothing but ***** and *** and places for your uninvited hands to reach.
so i give you what you want,
let you take whatever you need to feel complete,
in hopes that we can lay on your bed after,
and simply talk.
but the second you are done with me, i am pushed away without a single word.
and the next girl comes in,
but you don’t look into her beautiful eyes or take into account how inspiring her words are,
instead you notice the places she is bigger or smaller than i am,
and use us both as another tally on your wall.

mae Oct 2021

green.

“it’s cheesy but..”
i knew what the question would be.
the most casual ice breaker.
an essential bit of knowledge about someone to know them at a baseline level.
“..what’s your favorite color?”

“green.”
i replied shortly.
trying to hide the parallel occurring in my mind.
because he asked.
he wondered.
it was so different from that night you looked at me and said,
“green right?”
i was confused until you continued,
“that’s your favorite color?”

like the trees on the night you kissed me as we danced under stars.
like the fireworks in early july where you held me in your arms.
like the sheets we found ourselves tangled up in over and over again.

“how’d you know?”
i asked you as the connection between our eyes grew.
“i just did. it’s mine too.”

and so now we share a favorite color.
along with those memories of a time where there was love growing like the green of the earth,
rather than the green of envy and hatred.
maybe with him i’ll share something else.

but my favorite color will always be ours.

mae Sep 2021

where did you go?

i find myself searching for remnants of you.
pieces of the person i thought i understood left over from the storm that you so carelessly created.
cast away fragments of an identity i could once correctly perceive but now struggle to pick apart.
and as i search for these omitted components of someone i cherished,
my hopelessness grows more and more.
because how will i ever repair the misplaced shape my soul has morphed into,
when i cannot seem to rehabilitate the idea i have of you in my head to fit this new persona you have constructed.
and as the nights grow longer,
and days shorten,
perhaps those forgotten pieces will materialize.
or perhaps it is all a tragic and solemn endeavor
that ends with me forgetting who you were.

mae Aug 2021

prayers

i pray for you every night.
even during those times where i doubt in God.
and when that doesn’t seem to work,
i wish on every single star.
i spend birthday candle wishes on the thought of you,
waste away dandelions in hopes of a trade,
my breath for a moment of being yours again.

and in those prayers,
i barter with God.
to bring you the happiness you’ve been searching for,
to fill your days with the self fulfillment i know you crave.
i pray you’ll find yourself again,
and see the future through hopeful eyes,
i pray someday you’ll be able to see yourself,
as the capable, beautiful person you are.

and after i beg God to bring you joy again,
i ask Him if maybe i could be a part of that optimistic future.
because although my prayers turn selfish,
i still believe it’s us in the end.

why are we doing this back and forth? why can’t you see us the way i do?

Aug 2021

Kendra Feener

year flowers.

if there is anything that is unfair, it's the way my eyelids twitch restlessly desperate for sleep while my brain refuses to be at peace. and my lack of ability to deal with my feelings in ways other than these nonsense paragraphs, that have an endless amount of errors, that i dare to call poetry. or how i am unrealistic with myself. like when i think that my favorite flowers are the purple pansies i used to plant in my grandmothers garden when i was a little girl. but those flowers wilted and her garden was dug up when her house was sold. those flowers have been making my stomach turn and causing me to choke back tears since the year she died, when i was just thirteen. those flowers remind me of lost things and aches in my heart.
but there are may flowers, which only come once a year. and with them come new beginnings and fresh starts. and every year i wait through the april showers, and they never let me down. they remind me of patience and that good things come in time, and even the greyest of days can lead to something beautiful. they remind me of hope.
if there is anything that is unfair, its your eyes. because your eyes remind me of may flowers, and may flowers remind me of hope, and hope is a four letter word, but so is lies. And hope only comes once a year, and new mind sets only happen in may. but your eyes are there in january, when i'm supposed to still have a four month wait for my hopeful new start. and in september, when my new start isn't so new anymore. your eyes are like may flowers that never die, and may flowers that never die remind me of hope that never dies.... and hope is a four letter word. and so is lies. and so is hurt.
but so is love.
and maybe i'm being unrealistic with myself again, but that's the word i'm going to go with. because love reminds me of better days and better days remind me of you. because days are always better with may flowers and your may flowers never die.

jumbled thoughts.
January 29th, 2014.

mae Aug 2021

Untitled

i sit here
resting on everyone else’s wavelength
running on their borrowed time
since i tend to have too much of mine own
spending the hours waiting
hoping for the timelines to meet up
anticipating what it will be like
when there’s a moment for me.