when you have undying hope,
and see the world in new colors,
and everything is finally working out,
that’s the worst kind of pain.
because it all ends and you wish you could’ve stopped it.
i wish i could go back now,
and change how hopeful i was,
but i also miss that hope.
and some of it is still there,
although i’m not sure sure if that’s good or bad.
she says i love you to everyone she knows,
because she’s afraid it will be the last time she can.
and i say it back,
but it’s forced.
and i struggle.
for so long those words didn’t make sense to me.
but now when i say them back to her,
as she leaves my car,
i mean them.
but in a different way than she does.
on those days when i felt so alone,
and needed a hug,
i reached out to give the universe,
she deserves it after everything she does,
and i’m sure watching over us all day,
she wants to hug us back.
i never thought
i’d hold a hand,
that didn’t make me full of fear.
but your hand,
and scars from the cold.
wraps me in a hug
that doesn’t suffocate
but guides me.
and with your hand in mind,
i feel safe.
please don’t let go.
because you don’t understand;
the internal hurt.
the emotional surge begging to escape,
the way i hate myself for everything i do,
and how one word from you could make the world light up again,
or cause the end of it all.
it’s not that you hate talking about feelings.
you just hate talking about mine.
but you didn’t like that i don’t like surprises,
how i would research the movies ending as we drove to the theater,
and how i never read a book in the right order.
and then you gave me the biggest surprise of all,