today I looked in the mirror,
and I really looked,
and I didnt like
what I saw.
because I saw
a girl with hollowed out eyes,
a slight beer belly,
and thunder thighs.
I saw
the demon on my shoulder,
the angel to my right,
and black in my mouth.
even worse, I saw
charred lips from the cigs,
smudged mascara from a boy,
and grayed skin from the depression.
and I wanted so badly,
to fix what I saw
but I,
I was too weak.

I’ve never received a flower
Or even a rose
But I’m a guy
So it’s acceptable I suppose
No kisses
Or sweets
No treats
That signifies ones feelings for me
No token of ones love
But I have gotten
Disappointment
Watered with hate
Planted in betrayal
Fertilized with lies
And maintained by fakes
Roses are Red
But my roses are dead
And crumble beneath my feet

I think the worst part about being alone in my room
Is knowing you'll be waiting for me when I come out

I think the worst part about living behind a door
is knowing you're not knocking because you understand

I think the worst part about sitting by myself
is catching myself looking at the empty seat next to you

I think the worst part about being here without you
is knowing I could ask for your company

I hate looking into your eyes
and smiling
and laughing
and being happy
because I'm worried about messing up again.
And ending up alone.

All of them.

How can you switch off what you felt for me?
You told me it was so deep
How do you turn it off?

Could you teach me one more thing?
Please
How do you make it stop
This aching rip in my chest

I don't know how to do it
Can't catch a break, or my breath
I'm begging how do you do it?
I want to shut this off to

I said I wasn’t afraid
You said you’d never leave
But we both lied
When I was scared
You comforted me
So at least you tried
When I faced my fears
You got up and left me
And I sat down and cried

Trust cannot exist
If secrets do.
Yet, I put up these walls
That no one sees through.

It is nothing, but a fear
A fear of letting someone in.
So, I let my thoughts become whispers
And I keep my feelings hidden.

I conceal way more than I show.
I don't let them see me cry.
I'm scared that I'll lose them.
No matter how much I try.

It's a fear of trust.
A fear of loss.

I've witnessed a beauty
I can't describe
That speaks to my soul
As it swims through my eyes
The silent sounds
Sneak into my mind
The taste lingers on
Leaving sweetness behind
The scent creeps up
To slowly remind
Of the touch that once felt
Makes all else fade
Til only your beauty
Pure beauty remains

There's nothing else
Your beauty remains

My head aches ,
I can't sleep,
Her thoughts never stop,
Imagining things that I should have said,
Things that I can still do , to get her back.

She texted she wanted to come back,
She made me believe she is not happy in her new relationship,
She wanted old Me back she said,
But took a complete U-turn when we actually met.

I want these thoughts to fade away
I want to give up trying,
I want this ache to stop,
I want to sleep like a baby,
I just don't want to wake up ever again. :'(