he pulls me up against his body; on fire
fangs biting and tugging at my ear
his hand sliding down my thong...

there is a feeling intertwined within the sheets
a blooming rose; a bleeding heart
soft familiarity.

he touches until i'm brought back to life.

-night 2

conceptcollection

i entered a room i haven't been to since forever
suddenly it was smaller than i had remembered it to be—
wasn't it just yesterday when i was ten years old,
neck painful from looking up at the ceiling that was too tall for me to reach
and wishing i could swing from the chandeliers that hung from them like vines?
and now i'm suddenly seventeen,
caught between here and there
the rooms i know seem much smaller
and suddenly i don't need help
in reaching for things from the cupboard
in fact, i no longer need help for a lot of things
but why do i feel more helpless than before?
why do i just want to go back to when
rooms seemed much bigger
and i could easily hide in closets
whenever i wanted to be alone?
now i'm seventeen
and i can't ever be alone when i want to;
i'm caught in between here and there
but the problem is
i don't know what "here" and "there" is anymore

it's a pleasure to see
the way you move
when your bones can't settle
because running through them
is the pulse of music, the dance of life
it's a pleasure to watch you
lose yourself in what you love
to see you know the words to every song
and be so nonchalant
as if you don't hold all the magic in the world
it's a pleasure to see you be passionate
when the fire burns in your soul
and you are starry-eyed all of a sudden
as you speak about what you love,
and you climb every mountain
to do what you find comfort in
it's a pleasure to feel the way you love
your heart is open in every edge
and you would give it to anyone if you could

it's a pleasure to see you be
for you are a wonder in every sense

Purple petals dancing in the sun
my heart singing for your soul
To learn, grow, understand
everything about you
Let's be together, hand in hand
kindness at the core
Our love each new day blossoming
like purple petals dancing
in the sun ☀️☀️☀️

exhausted
but happy
there is no energy
left in my body
and yet so much
to do
today I gave so much
and yet
do they expect so
much more
how on earth is anybody
ever
going to fulfill all that?
at least I'm proud of what
I achieved.

Is this it?
Is this goodbye?
A farewell to all those good times
The best times
The times when it was just you and I against the world?
Is this us over?
Have I lost my soulmate
My heart
My desire?

You're here and yet I feel you're already gone
Your mind if not your body with someone else
All that love, hope, desire
His.

Depression is - getting coffee and a donut before work, knowingly making yourself late, because you are just so desperate for something - anything, to make you feel even the tiniest bit happy.

Anxiety is - telling yourself that all you'll be is fat and late for work - never happy.

What am I between these driving
delusions of all my anxieties, aside?
When every moment is a revolt against
suicide and my steadying decline
and my internal monologue dissolved
into reminding myself why.
Who am I but ceaselessly unsure
of the lens of my own myopic, miserable mind?
Between the shadows stirring
in the corners of these drying eyes
and the alarming cry for predators nearby,
these countless confines multiplying wildly.
How often I find I am fighting my brain every second, all the time
my own excessive efforts led awry
as my uncertainties undermine.
But now all I know is I am finally
freeing myself from being so spine numbingly paralyzed
now that I've realized I lie
underneath somewhere within
the way of still waking up
from this frozen comatose demise.