Anxiety has taught me that the large blue doors at the entrance to the next four years of my life are there to keep me in more than to keep others out
That the best way to keep the students with no future away from the students with one is to create advanced classes that will determine whether a college will allow you entrance without a doubt
Anxiety taught me what it's like to hold back tears
And how to freak the guy next to you out because he's never had to handle a girl crying and being dependent upon and not being able to provide is one of his greatest fears
Anxiety taught me that "it's not just one quiz it's the rest of your life!"
That you must work hard in school and get into college and get a good job and make money and these are the only ways to become someone's wife
That seeing your fears of not being good enough becoming true in the eyes of the only one you love and that it feels like your heart has been stabbed at by a knife
Or when you're sick and throwing up but you have a paper due in 3 hours and it's either sleep or finish the paragraph who's sentences will probably end up slurred
Anxiety taught me that time is not your friend
That it will not be there when the fate of the rest of your life is hanging on 10 more words to reach the 500 word limit
Anxiety has taught me that no matter how many assignments you complete you’ll never get rid of this weight on your chest
That you have to keep working until there's no more time to rest
That you can do problems 1-50 in your textbook and it'll teach you the material but not how to take a test
That no matter how many hours you study you will not perform your best
Anxiety taught me what it's like to put all of your eggs in one basket.
One human shaped basket that isn't always around and won't be awake at 2 in the morning because he has an 8 AM and needs his sleep
But when he doesn't have an assignment going to bed early is one of the many promises he cannot keep
Anxiety taught me what a social barrier is
A beer covered barrier that reminds you that all he's going to want to do this summer is drink because that's all he's done the last 8 months and you haven't been there
And that you don't like the taste of alcohol much and he knows that but he'll still hand you a shot out of nowhere
That you can feel yourself getting drunker and drunker and that terrifies you and he knows that but he no longer seems to care
Anxiety is more than being nervous before you ask someone to prom
anxiety is more than feeling helpless when your parents don't get along
Anxiety is being the hero and failing
Anxiety is being afraid of heights and knowing you'll have to fall every single day
I live in such constant fear that my dreams will crawl out of my ears
and into reality,
that I keep having flashbacks of memories I don't have.
I find myself on dark nights
crying about things that haven't happened
and could happen only by chance
I think of the many ways I've never gone flying off the road
when I'm on my way home and I'm sitting next to my thoughts
please pardon my perplexed mood. I cower far,
lest I scare you away. I strive to request such an
easy retrieve, yet nobody seems to obtain!
as anyone else can tell you, it becomes remarkable how
so un-soon these replies become,
even when those who read, do little else.
it's funny how you can look in a mirror and wonder where your reflection went and how long it's been gone.
now that I've lost myself to you, I'm afraid you'll lose me too.
hairs stood silent and upright as lips did the talking
I watch my best friend's heart break in front of me.
I watch the way her shoulders roll forward, as if she's hoping her spine will break through her skin.
She wants to be the one to stab her back this time.
And though I can hear the remains of her once perfect heart rattling through her ribcage,
Some part of her still won't let go.
I always rolled my eyes at her confidence, but now I'm left wondering where the hell it went.
She ******* knows better.
I know she does.
She asks me what she should do, and in that moment I want to grab her shoulders.
I want to beg her.
Beg her not to do this to herself.
Tell her she deserves better.
I want to scream it at her.
So loud in her face that it echoes out her ears.
I want to yell "**** him"at the top of my lungs.
Because no matter what he says
No one will ever LOVE HER as much as SHE DOES.
I want to show her every scar on my body.
Lift the curtain on the childhood she didn't get to see on our play dates.
I want to walk her through my memories,
let her feel the regret,
let her feel the way I screamed at 4 in the morning.
I want her to hear the sound of no one answering.
I want her to see loneliness through my eyes.
Feel the hard thud of settling.
To finally know what it's like to rot alone in a casket while you're breathing into your lover's neck.
I want her to know my pain,
in the hopes she will run as fast as she can in the opposite direction.
so that maybe she wont end up like me,
at least not yet.
So when she asks me what she should do,
I tell her
"I should've ran."