my brain shrinks
at the superiority of yours
it struggles to keep up
but yours has already finished the run

Anxiety has taught me that the large blue doors at the entrance to the next four years of my life are there to keep me in more than to keep others out
That the best way to keep the students with no future away from the students with one is to create advanced classes that will determine whether a college will allow you entrance without a doubt

Anxiety taught me what it's like to hold back tears
And how to freak the guy next to you out because he's never had to handle a girl crying and being dependent upon and not being able to provide is one of his greatest fears

Anxiety taught me that "it's not just one quiz it's the rest of your life!"
That you must work hard in school and get into college and get a good job and make money and these are the only ways to become someone's wife
That seeing your fears of not being good enough becoming true in the eyes of the only one you love and that it feels like your heart has been stabbed at by a knife

Or when you're sick and throwing up but you have a paper due in 3 hours and it's either sleep or finish the paragraph who's sentences will probably end up slurred

Anxiety taught me that time is not your friend
That it will not be there when the fate of the rest of your life is hanging on 10 more words to reach the 500 word limit

Anxiety has taught me that no matter how many assignments you complete you’ll never get rid of this weight on your chest
That you have to keep working until there's no more time to rest
That you can do problems 1-50 in your textbook and it'll teach you the material but not how to take a test
That no matter how many hours you study you will not perform your best

Anxiety taught me what it's like to put all of your eggs in one basket.
One human shaped basket that isn't always around and won't be awake at 2 in the morning because he has an 8 AM and needs his sleep
But when he doesn't have an assignment going to bed early is one of the many promises he cannot keep

Anxiety taught me what a social barrier is
A beer covered barrier that reminds you that all he's going to want to do this summer is drink because that's all he's done the last 8 months and you haven't been there
And that you don't like the taste of alcohol much and he knows that but he'll still hand you a shot out of nowhere
That you can feel yourself getting drunker and drunker and that terrifies you and he knows that but he no longer seems to care


Anxiety is more than being nervous before you ask someone to prom
anxiety is more than feeling helpless when your parents don't get along
Anxiety is being the hero and failing
Anxiety is being afraid of heights and knowing you'll have to fall every single day

it's a lost memory
chilling, nauseating, disgruntling
the plants, the sugars
it's all gone, and even in my absence
it still haunts me
creeping, disturbing, stiffening
keeping myself stable on his current caffeine
a perfect snow tinted green
asked if he did this everyday,
he said
"often"

the prints
that the pressure of a deflowered love
made on the pages it was pressed in
still float loosely in my journal
with all the purple petals
thrown out long ago
and all of my worries
penned out into oblivion
waiting to be read.

The human mind is a filthier place than the bottom of your shoe.

I want you to break the physical barriers of my neck with your lips.

I woke up to find
I had written
romance novels across my arms in black sharpie
while I was dreaming
Well ****,
I thought.
If I'm this articulate
When I'm unconscious,
No wonder he wants to sleep with me

I felt your lips ******* the color out of my skin
and your hands ripping apart my chest
and your body aggressive over mine
and your teeth eating me alive
and my teeth pulling at your neck
and my body hidden under a thousand night skies
and my hands sputtering and scared
I heard my lips whispering "no please, I want this"

his hands hold a thousand years
mine only hold ten

your blue eyes
can clean out
my entire soul
and abuse
my every vein
all at once.

I'd love
to have
you in
my bed
but I'd hate
to go
to sleep.

come
watch
the
snow
bleed
red
in
my
cheeks

I pulled my fingers apart
trying to reach you

how are we
supposed to ****,
if I go cold every time
you put your thumb
to my lips?

keep me in your mind,
when you need to remember
that you exist in a conscious other
than your own.
if you've forgotten whose dreams
you constantly invade,
keep me in your mind.