Still alive
But barely breathing
I searched but didnt find a meaning
My persistent heart wont stop its beating
I get high instead of sleeping
Finding veins to shoot some speed in
Countless hours ive spent tweaking
Im Just a ****** and a fiend
Playing victim
To a cycle so vicious
Hard to admit im the one who chose and picked this
Im on my own hit list
My lifes the perfect nightmare thats ever been scripted
my Memories play out in tragedies
Remembering saddens me
Ive been more stressed than any kid should ever be
And yet i never let them see
The Years spent living in denial
I want to cry but fake a smile
Something i learned as a child
They wont hurt me if i never let them in
I never learned how to get vulnerable
I just held it all in
Bottled up feelings
Never once expressing
How it feels inside my head
All alone no one knows me
Ive aways been a phony
Force feeding myself so im not too noticeably boney
I Cant cope unless im high
Needle full of dope until i die
My wills too weak to be freed
What was a want has now become a need
Im getting Paranoid as my track marks are getting harder to hide
My Blood thickens as it dries

I should of left you years ago had I only known how much more pain you could actually cause me . If I'm getting honest perhaps i did know but I didn't want to admit it I wasn't ready I couldn't let you win to take power over me. I suppose I kinda got off on it the way you could make me feel incredible by eliminating my desire to feel at all. Or maybe I got off on the way you treated me always putting your needs ahead of mine the abuse and pain I believed I deserved. God how pathetic I was but I guess that's why it was so easy to get to know you to become devoured by your sweet seduction.. at the time I really needed you you saved me I guess that's why it's so hard to say goodbye to you as much as I truly sincerely ******* hate you and I do hate you I can't figure out how to escape the love I still will always have for you. You saved my life after all.. then you made it feel far from worth saving. I'm sorry it's been a good run but I'd say it's about time you've had this coming for awhile but I'd never been ready till now… and so I stand here hopeless Tired and ******* mad as hell to tell you it's time to go I'm ready to move on it won't be easy it isn't going to be easy but you win I surrender i am powerless over you and my life our life has become unmanageable I know when I'm with you that's the way it is.. so I'm leaving you to begin to pick up all the wreckage we made to buckle down and deal with my consequences for once in my life. And I have hope that one day I'll find someone better I'll be someone better and who knows I might even like me.. addiction you've been Dumped for Me so how does it feel? Wait you don't feel do you but don't worry I won't forget about you i couldn't I know your always there betting wishing waiting for me to **** things up expecting me to just come running back to you… and I know that will always be an option but right now I'm choosing life and feelings and depression and devotion and Hope never letting that Hope wonder to far away holding it close living Just for Today…..

His name was Graison but nobody knew him he lived in a jail cell or maybe it was prison he used to hide under his bed at the age of six trying to hide from the monsters in his head they said that time was the cure but he found something better the sour the taste the deeper the crave cas substance seemed to numb the pain but he turned into a beast with every sip with every hit he got into fights became his biggest bully he could never admit that he was sorry and he wanted to hate God but that was all he had left besides a bottle and a pipe and now he's got a lifetime sentence living with him and his lies he prayed each drink would be his last he was tired of insanity but he knew he could never change one day soon his body would be swarming with flies he silently screamed out but nobody ever heard his cries I only ever saw him in the mirror that was locked in a closet behind his fear

Your name is like champagne
Bubbly crisp refreshing
Your body is like red wine
Cabernet.. a few more glasses closer to numbing my pain
Your voice is like brandy                  
Cognac... a few more sips to settle in an alternate universe
Your kiss is like Tennessee honey
Whiskey.. a few more shots to keep the branch of thorns tight around my frail heart
Your soul is like smirnoff
*****... wild and ice cold      
You are exotic eccentric exciting
And I am nothing more than a cheap beer from a ****** bar.. hanging from a chain tied to your rist... along for the wrong ride

I remember the day that I died
She stated with certainty
How it felt to let go
Like a single drop of morning dew finally falling off the tip of a tiny blade of grass
Her soul collapsed
beneath her tired shoulders
Worn down by years of weight she had held there
The corners of her lips that she stapled to her cheeks in effort to fake a smile
Slid down to her chin
A gasp for air
Her head sunk and fell forward chin to her chest because falling to the side meant contemplating wether to fall left or right
And that was simply too much at this point
Her eyes never shut so she had never lost sight
She spoke on
And when my heart finally stopped I knew I'd be alright
Nowhere left to run n hide
My body went first heavy limp n cold
lifelessly it lied
Waiting watching not sure which was worse
Then it happened She had finally let go
After years of endless battles n war
And if I could choose to win I'd still rather loose I'm sure
My soul left my body seaping out from within every pore
I now know what I could've never known before
At peace now no more fear
Only this she didn't speak with words
But we all felt what she intended we hear

They call them dream catchers
The ones that steal you away
They're hidden inside the pretty girls
Written on they're smiles
Twisted in they're spines
You can never really tell when they have you wrapped up in there web
They're hidden like a black rose in a red bouquet
Tossed to the curb worthless n fake
Dream catchers will caress you in a safety net of sweet sleep
They'll fill you with feelings
They'll make you feel safe
But dream catchers never give back the dreams built up by days and later by nights
She'll ****** you to stay and then she'll make you want to run away
Dream catchers are often gorgeously framed
There beauty is like no others they're beauty reals you in
Not knowing there silently hiding under cover
Lay low for awhile cover up words with a smile
Don't give in to the lust they pass off as trust
They only have one goal in mind
It's only a matter of time
They'll slip into your life sneak into your room they'll be waiting on your bed blending in with the seams
They look like Pretty girls and there Trying to catch your dreams

My existence is sad I live a life in which my fantasy is more pain stricken than reality...  
The thought that you could ever love me...
You don't know what you do to
me...  
Your breath chills my porous mind...  
Time stands still and I swing from the rope that's tied to your smile
This love is the worst kind
Bitter sweet
Swollen with pride  
My body moves relentlessly fast while my thought are stuck in the ******* of my past  
i hate you      
No I don't hate you but I  pray to God I gain the will to  
I hate your eyes and the way they
consume me
I hate your soul and the way that it fuels me    
I hate everything about you but somehow your still all I need

I quake beneath the unforgiving weight of your stare
Your eyes soft like cracked pavement..
barefoot under the hot sun I walk grasping hold of the invitation
And your hand
I feel my fears expanded in your palms
But still I follow
Red.. my wrists suspended above my head tied tight with ribon and excite
The silence of your gaze requesting my heart to race
Naked I lay now blind to your touch
Your lips press against mine
Poisoned ivy
As they travel down my soulful corpse
The tips of your fingers are ice cold arousing every inch of my interest
Your breath is the only sound that exists as I follow it down an unfamiliar path
Perplexed by the freedom I feel with broken arms and sight less eyes
I gain deliverance bound by your control
Reality pauses as you turn me over
My face against your pillow
The sweet smell of sleepless nights takes shelter in me
A foreign fabric familiar to hair finds its way down my twisted spine
Slowly yet all at once chills course about my body
Brisk is the gust of broken air as it arrives
My skin is met
Whipped by desire
I scream and let out a sigh of peaceful pain
Freeing me from guilt regret n sorrow
Each lash peeling the weight of the world from my shoulders

Your sent is intoxicating
Your the drug I crave the most
The drug I can never consume
I want to overdose on your eyes but they rarely ever meet mine    
I want to make you feel saved the way you've made me
I want you to see your smile and cry tears of joy just as I've
I want to devour your pain and make it my own
I want to steal your heart and mend you're soul                            
I want our broken pieces to collide in one beautiful spirit

You are my sleepless nights
You're my 2 am cigarette
I lay myself down and you seap in
Your sent lingers in my pillows
And wakes my soul as it travels through..
Your eyes branded on the walls around
They watch as you tear through my tired body
I feel your smile sending twisted chills to all nerve endings
You run marathons inside my head as I try to still...
And I give in to you
Staring at the ceiling watching the time pass feeling the sleepless nights rising with the sun
Your the ringing in my ears when all is silent
You're all of the mistakes I want to make
But until I meet you.
You'll remain just another sleepless night ceiling staring dying to dream and rest my eyes

And so she poured into me like nothing I'd ever dreamed
She seaped in.. cementing every crack every hole,  flowing in streams
But her cement was temporary
A quick fix
She was a Poisoned peach.. Bittersweet
She was lust dancing around a masquerade ball
She wore love... a mask  
Revealing only her eyes,
And so she poured into me
Like hopes of sunny yesterday's  
But yesterday hasn't happened yet
And my veins are still bloodied from her salted tears
and so she poured into me without fears or cares or hopes or dreams she poured into me because she needed a place to hide for awhile
But awhile isn't forever
And when yesterday finally does come she's already gone and you are emptiness
So don't love her don't you dare
Cas she's just lust and love was never really there
But if you do and she does
Keep a threaded needle in the seems of your palms to stich up the ruins of your now blistered heart of hurt....

And so she poured into me like nothing I'd ever dreamed
She seaped in.. cementing every crack every hole,  flowing in streams
But her cement was temporary
A quick fix
She was a Poisoned peach.. Bittersweet
She was lust dancing around a masquerade ball
She wore love... a mask  
Revealing only her eyes,
And so she poured into me
Like hopes of sunny yesterday's  
But yesterday hasn't happened yet
And my veins are still bloodied from her salted tears
and so she poured into me without fears or cares or hopes or dreams she poured into me because she needed a place to hide for awhile
But awhile isn't forever
And when yesterday finally does come she's already gone and you are emptiness
So don't love her don't you dare
Cas she's just lust and love was never really there
But if you do and she does
Keep a threaded needle in the seems of your palms to stich up the ruins of your now blistered heart of hurt....

Momma If I spoke to you would you listen
Even If I said I didn't think my heart could heal anymore

Momma don't you know that I don't feel anymore
That i don't even know what's real. Anymore
Roads getting bumpy but Jesus won't take the ******* wheel anymore
I don't want to breathe no more

Momma would you still love me
Even If you couldn't love yourself
Even tho I'm not who I was before
How did I get so self obsorbed
Can't even save myself from me

Momma don't try and remember who I used to be
Cas Try and try but I don't think I'll ever see
Anything remotely close to me
Your all that's left in me

Momma don't look at me
I'm begging you please
Cas I can't handle the fear In your eyes
Shining through deep inside of my lies
Swimming through feelings now numb and unwise
Can't see through my cleverly constructed  disguise

Momma don't hate yourself for these sins In me
There not your responsibility when there inside of me
I'm scared to death one day you'll run n hide from me
You dont know what I really need
I'm just a broken seed
No hope of flowering

Momma don't you hug me
Youll catch my disease
I'm not worthy
Of your endless loving me
I'm drowning in my own ****
God you must think I'm a *****

Momma Don't you cry over me
Your tears bring me to my knees
I don't want live
Cas I can't stop hurting you
And love is all you ever seem to give into

Momma don't you think that I don't love you
Im messed up broken old n used
My love is there I just don't know how to show it
Why am i here Momma I'm all confused
Every woman right in front of me your still the only one Id choose
As for me seems I'm always a lose
I ******* love you
I need you
Look at just what my greed can do
I wish I couldn't ******* read you
Disappointments on your face
And it's stapled to my waist
Stuck down in a place
I wish I couldn't decieve you

Momma don't you break for me
Just take a break from me
It's what's best for you can't you see
You did not sign up for this you can't afford my hidden fee
Once again for you I'm on my Knees
Prayin for answers give me anything Waiting all your life on me
To do anything

Momma don't give up on yourself
Cas I gave up on me
Give me Hate anger shame pity hopelessness and blame give it all to me let me take it all on for all your pain I've caused
I want make things right
Sometimes your re the only thing keeping me alive
Your far stronger then i could ever strive to be
I think your special but Maybe it's just a mother kind of thing

Momma your an angel and I am a rip in your wing
I'm really sorry for everything

The hours pass it's gone too fast and all I do is lie awake the clock ticks slow but the minutes don't last like they used to years have moved right along and they waved goodbye as I tried not to cry and all  these feelings Ive strung along there's nothing left of me to remember this pain is all I've ever known yet a smile 's still the only thing I've ever shown how am I supposed to feel how am I to know your real my heart is much to drunk on hate and how do I grow ******* faith      could there really be a light am I wasting all my time is there more than this monster in this mind that shows me horror and confusion I can't bare to sleep I'm still waiting to awake from this nightmare forgetting to breathe only gets easier when everything you've ever known to be right has suddenly all been wrong and I don't know that I'll ever be strong enough to save me from myself

Two paths painted like art on a silk screen canvas
Caress' the ground directly in front of me
Voices debating which direction is right for me
Stuck there frozen in time
cold tired and worn
I know which path I want to lead but selfwill gets in the way of me
Who the hell put me in charge of me
My soul yearns for peace and success
yet my mind is stuck in its egotistical greed
while my hearts on the sidelines contemplating the meaning of life and wether its worth it struggling to succeed or if it's worthless should I just stick to greed
Life's about the journey but I'm not moving
Looking at the fork in the road feet glued in between the two paths
Trapt in self pity n doubt
I decided to spend my life considering which road to take
And so I died not knowing where either would lead
My soul evaporated as my body just decomposed but out of my ashes sproted a thorned rose reminding others just to walk right through whichever path will do because if you have you then you'll make it through but don t give up before you have the chance to loose...

As I glanced over my shoulder trying to decipher whether or not I'm awake or asleep
I noticed out of the corner of my eye a puddle just inches from my feet
But when I tried to unsee what I had now seen
my reflection staring back at me whispers sound
And as I stared down at the insignificant puddle on the ground
I started to see how Cracks in the wet asfault helped depict the broken parts of me
In my reflection appearing shattered on the street
Broken hearts I grieve
Still staring back at me I wonder why I care about people when all they do is deceive
I look away from me for a moment
My sins are burning what soul is left in me
Prayin God can you hear me
not knowing if I even believe
God I'm trying to have faith in you but id like to know that you'd have faith in me too
Weight of your world but you put it all on my shoulders tired of this constant war when half the time I don't know what I'm fighting for don t really care if i win or loose
Well God if your real I'd like to tell you all I think is wrong with you
If I were in your shoes
God if I were you
This would not be the life id choose
If I had constructed humanity
I'd erase all the misery the hunger n greed
See your a lot to need you made me hypocritically
To be a decent human being strive to live selflessly while your getting off on a world of failure and pain our species suffering
their only hope is knowing your name taking their praise selfishly
My torn reflection from the puddle on the ground between my feet
Glances back at me
And although I see it's me it feels cold and empty soulless
like my hope it lays dying there on the street
If God is real then i attest he is ******* weak