nuances. paper flights. deliriums.
you could buy loneliness in a bottle
of wine, and i'd draw a map
of this world on your hands.
i've got a past like a shadow
that follows me around in my head.
brown eyes. tambourines. broken bells.
like your voice in my ears, and they snap
at the sound of glass hitting the floor,
that spills liquid all over me, soaking me
in your intoxicating sadness.

whispered dreams and echoes in the dark
throwing tantrums at night for a *******
piece of death between my frozen-in-motion
lips that mouthed the three words in the living

i need you
because i do

i pressed the tips of my fingers to my eyelids until
i saw phosphenes and everything hit me like a bullet
so i ****** oxygen inward as if drowning and
then i realised i needed you even more than that

more than the oxygen that kept me alive and alone
more than the blood that fills my veins and whole heart
more than the alcohol that ***** my liver and lifts my head
more than that what makes time move forward
more than **** gravitation that has the earth turning
more than whatever it is that makes me think at all

i need your hand on my back to keep me steady
i need you talking to me like i'm real and i'm here for you
i need you walking beside me in the alleyways of town
clenching my hand in case this is over too soon
i need your hair stroking my cheek like it used to
i need your eyes on me in all the ruddy colours they are
i need you with all your laughter, cries, **** ups, frustration,
caresses, shame, fears, dreams, echoes, tantrums and lips

you and i

it's engraved in our skin
that's why.

i don't want to sit on teraces or chill at the park
i don't want to drink alone at 1:30am with patti smith playing
i don't want to go to sicily like a sellotaped body
i don't want any dried out tulips in *** on the table today

i just want some confirmation
to know if it's still possible
to know if it's still real
to know if i'm it
and if you miss me
like i do right now
and forever

just imagine now
one day
i will lie
here in amsterdam
on the cold
stones on the
dam square and
i will drink
wine and *****
from their bottles
warm in my
blood spilled down.

it should not
be so easy
to surrender yourself
to your own
solitude and sorrows
not as easy
as it's been
all my life.

one glass of ***** to devour
two kisses and an intimate hug
three punches in the face
four cigarettes for all moments i fled

five minutes without your hands on me
six dried flowers under my bed
seven days of suffocation
eight matches drifting in the bowl

nine short blinks with your bright eyes
ten fingers holding stones in cups
eleven photos on the bulletin board
twelve slow steps turn to echoes

thirteen unlucky girls in line
fourteen melodies haunting my sleep
fifteen eyes demand your attention
sixteen drunk doves shifting in my arms

sometimes i wish i couldn't think
then i wouldn't have to worry
about being wrong,
humiliated,
scared,
alive,
or even in love

we keep circling around
in this pattern
so every day feels like the next
and those sunrises lost their charm,
but i don't want to think
i don't want to think if i'm this
and so
much of a coward

i don't dare giving you the truth
for i don't want to ruin that image
even though it's completely unreal,
i just can't trust myself to
do anything with you,
and if i can't do that
i can't stand thinking

that's
how much
i think
i want
you.

one day i woke up
and i found myself sleeping beneath the leaves.
three nights alone hidden in the soil,
where fear was illumination and i
was scared of the next dawn's daylight.

somewhere high above me
birds kept circling in their orbits,
dreading the earth that slowly buried me
with its old hands at last,
making up the rusty casket with room for only one.