That first puff,
the first sip,
the burn in my throat,
light headed
and shaking,
another hit
another shot,
I remember when I promised
never.

I am not
the person I used to be,
I am not
a beacon of hope,
I am a shipwreck
and I can see
the smokestacks falling
into the sea.

Sometimes I have to
remind myself I am awake,
that this is not a dream,
maybe one day
I'll wake up
and it will be.

Do not look at me
like a sob story,
do not ask
for a happy ending,
there is no ending,
this is my life
and it is
ongoing
smoke bumming
***** stealing
blunt passing
cold turkey
relapsing
screaming
screaming
screaming.

Red ribbons
and markers on posters,
this is not
the person
I was
before.

This is not the place
to tell someone you love them
for the first time,
and although I do not believe you,
I smile.

You are not the one
who should be apologizing.
I am the one leaving,
I will take that piece of you with me
(the one you said was mine).

There are flowers beside my bed
sprayed and dyed into
the type of artificial beauty
that can only be appreciated against a white room.

You look at my hands so you do not have to
face the blue circles under my eyes.
You try to laugh like we used to
but there is a carefulness to your disposition
that was never there before;
you are afraid to break me.

I think it's strange that
your heart seems more shattered than mine;
that I try to stay strong for you.
I think it's unfair that
when visiting hours end and you stand to leave,
you drop my hand one finger at a time
and you tell me you love me like
it is the last time,
every time.
I think it is unfair
that you are the one
with last words.

I swear to God I am not giving up
but every breath I take feels like smoke
and I am not sure how much more
my tar-stained lungs can endure.

I texted you
at 12:30 a.m.
with a beer can on my bedside table,
asked you
if you remember
how my lips taste,
told you
it's been a while
since anyone's touched me
like you used to,
added
haha, I love you
to texts that
didn't quite make sense;

I asked for it.

That's what I keep
telling myself.
It's not ****
if I gave consent,
it's not ****
if you didn't touch me,
it's not ****
if I said yes when
you offered to make me less lonely.

I remember when
that boy you were always jealous of
told me he loved me,
I remember wanting to say it back,
I remember the smell of
my mom's *****
on his breath.

I said no.
Took his arm off my shoulder,
turned my head away,
told him not to kiss me,
told him not tonight,
told him he was drunk,
he was lying to himself,
he was just lonely,
he would not love me
in the morning.

I was right.
He told me
the last thing he remembered
was sitting down next to me,
he said
sorry if I tried anything,
I said he didn't.

My point is,

the boy I loved,
longed for,
still long for,
was giving himself to me,
his flushed cheek on my shoulder,
his hands in my hair,
my name on his lips,
and I said no.

My point is,

I, whom you knew to be vulnerable,
to be empty,
to be broken,
was begging you to save me,
my desire on your phone screen,
my scars in your memories,
my cries echoing in your eardrums,
and you asked for more.

My point is,

there comes a point
in every person's life
when they are given the choice
to do the right thing,
or do the wrong thing
and convince them self
it was the only option.

My point is,

I could have been
at your doorstep,
in your bedroom,
begging,
pleading,
naked,
ready,
and the right answer
still would have been
no.

My point is,

you did not **** me,
but you made me feel violated.
You are not a *** offender,
but you are an awful person.
I did say yes,
but you should have said no.

My point is,

I may have asked for it,
but that doesn't mean
you should've given it to me.

veins are blue till they run dry
we've lived this time through
spilt but still new.
mirror's dusted but still shines
but the reflection's not the same.
do you even know my name?
I can't smile but you understand
that I cry when you hold my hand
and you hold me anyway.
I tell you how we'll see them all die
that freedom is what it feels like
when you lose every thing
we are alone
as we drive by the familiar face
and we are alone
set fire to the only place
and we are alone
I felt safe as the years collected on the highway.
and we are alone
as we danced under the stars of the graveyard
but we have yet to be free.
we walk through the woods past where we belong
all warmth gone.
seems as though the prints in the snow
were already made.
sleep has called
but we can't hear
because we are here.
I can't smile but you can tell by the look in my eye
that there is something finally lit inside
it's been so long since I could speak.
I've seen every thing torn away
and you were the only one
that promised to stay.
could you be the one to save me?

In never ending pain
You choose to wallow.
This dry sandwich of self-pity
Is so hard to swallow.

You juggle those slippery *****
Of pain and regret
I hear you pray for release
But you aren’t there yet.

Me thinks thou protests
A little too much
This “woe is me” cane
Has become your crutch.

Throw off that garment of gloom
Your attitude needs to switch
Just accept the fact
That life is a *****.

I am a stranger to my life.
And all these years
I thought we were old friends.
But things have changed
I don’t know you anymore,
We have parted ways
Found new loves
Sit on a park bench;
You read the paper
I feed the pigeons.
Remembering the old days
A simple spontaneity
Was our only plan.
I’m surprised I can recall
A time before the layers of care
Dulled the senses
And marred the vision.
But it is fresh in my mind
Touching my nerves
With its presence
So much more than a memory;
My history has come alive
I will read every line
Each name and place and date
Make it linger
Keep the taste fresh
Savor the sweet nectar of youth
Acquaint myself with the child
Acquire that vision
Behold that life
Before it fades in the breeze.

An oasis in a parched terrain
A rhyme in a dull refrain
In a storm a place to hide
A ******* in a riptide.

Going down, a parachute
Monday morning, short commute.
Summer day a scarf of silk
Warm cookies, a glass of milk.

Chocolate sundae the cherry on top,
Dangerous street a friendly cop.
A sturdy rope down the abyss
Tucked in bed a goodnight kiss.