That house on Halstead,
with its rod-iron rusted gate,
that creaks eerily and groans when pushed aside,
looks abandoned.

Sparse lemons splayed the patches of dead earth where nothing grows, while ants playfully dance on their yellow-grey skins.

Your 1980s Kawasaki vibrating beneath us,
I'm holding you tightly as we rock back and forth on your driveway.
And we are heading nowhere. I know this, but I don't care.

I gaze at you in the circular side view mirror,
donning bed head, and your dusty clothes that moments before lingered on your bedroom floor. Arms still grasping you.
But right now, you don't see me. You never really did.
I catch a glimpse of myself, sullen lustful eyes and wild raven tresses.

You tore me apart piece by piece, my ego bruised like the dried out lemon husks we sometimes would pick up and squeeze juice from for our tea.

Along with your lingering smell,
the warmth in my heart has left me.
Long nights, wet ears and loud music,
fighting to forget the burning house.
Trying to get back on my feet,
using my elbows and knees.
But I can't be moved,
I'm a brokenhearted man..

I crave paper
I long for its smooth space
Open fields of hidden words
Carriers of life
Forever anticipating the touch of a hand
The caress of a pen
Judging not content
nor the needy desire to speak
through silence

I collect pencils
Small, used and worn
They sit in a box on a shelf
They are reminders of stories told
Companions of bits of my moments
which have faded from mind
but are found on paper
spilled from pencils

You took me out, and thought I was different
Because I was crazy
You told me you've never met anyone quite like me
Because I was crazy
You said you had fallen for me
Because I was crazy
You told me you'd never leave, that I was the only girl to affect you the way I have
Because I was crazy  
We discussed future plans and named our unborn children, you'd never felt so alive with anyone else
Because I was crazy


But then we started to bicker
Because I was crazy

You grew more distant
Because I was crazy

You no longer wanted to hang out multiple times a week
Because I was crazy

You wanted to see other people
Because I was crazy

You've now fallen in love again and have blocked my number
Because I was crazy



And I blame myself losing your love
Because I was crazy

And all I can do is lay here and cry over old photos and hand written notes
Because I am crazy

When the waves rose up behind you,
And began to drag you away,
I threw every piece of me out to keep you afloat,
I couldn't let you die,
I would sooner rip myself to shreds to save you,
But when those vicious currents came after me,
The undertow swept me away,
And you just watched,
You were too scared of the water to help me,
I understood why,
No one had ever been willing to possibly drown for me,
I just thought you were different...

When the thought of a simple call
To the bank,
Or the doctor,
Leaves you in tears.

When working up the courage to call
Your best friend you just texted,
Or the pizza place down the road,
Leaves you with acrobatic elephants in your stomach.

When getting up on time
To go to class,
Or your job interview,
Leaves you nauseous.

When you sit there ten minutes later thinking
Why does this happen every time?
Or why can't I be normal?
Leaves you feeling like a failure.

Just say "hello"
Nope, that'll leave you wanting to *****.
Smile to them
Nope, that'll leave you shaking and sweating.
Give a wave
Nope, that'll leave you on the floor rocking back and forth.

At the end of the day
When all you can think about
Is how you were so terrified you couldn't move,
Or that you just want it to end and go away,
But knowing that it'll just keep happening

When all they can say to you is:
Just do it already.
Why do you have to make things so difficult?
Get over it!
Can't you ever act normal?
As you learn to hate yourself just a bit more
Each and every day.
As you slowly fall back
Into a downward spiral of depression.