My body that use to shake with laughter
            now shakes with fear.

I didn't use to double check to see if the doors were locked up tight at night.

But now I'm terrified that you'll come knocking when the alcohol kicks in.

No more are the sweet phone calls filled with slurred "I love you"s at 2am.

Angry words have become their replacement.

I never thought you could hurt me, but I couldn't have ever imagined that you could have cheated on me.

You were always so scary when you were mad. So quick to hit anything close.

I don't know what you're capable of anymore.

If life is a dream, then you are my nightmare.
And I can't. Wake. Up.

And it's sad that someone who once held my heart

Now strikes fear into it

I need to get you off my mind.
Off my lips.
I can still taste your mouth
as if we just kissed.

Eating disorders are not always dainty, pretty models.

They’re not sticking one finger halfway into your mouth, to immediately get rid of everything.

Or not eating for one day and losing weight automatically. 

Eating Disorders are not going shopping with your friends and having a good time because you fit in the same size as them.
Eating disorders are laying on the floor of the shower willing yourself to just do it already.

It’s starring at the shower drain for so long that when you finally look up it’s highlighted on the tile wall.

Eating disorders are shoving all your fingers down your throat and scraping your knuckles on your teeth to only throw up an oz of what’s in your stomach— and so you repeat and repeat until your body shakes and your nose burns.

Eating disorders are crying as you look in the mirror because even if you reach your goal weight, you know that it won’t be enough.

Eating disorders are being so weak that you don’t want to go out, all you want to do is lay in bed until your stomach stops hurting.

It’s not wanting anyone to worry, but also wanting to know why your heart gets sharp pains through it sometimes.

Why your head always ******* hurts.

Or why you’re so exhausted all the time, why you fall asleep in class as soon as you set your head down- but when you lay down at night you can’t fall asleep because there are voices screaming at you to do better.

To eat less. 

To weigh less.

Have you ever been so exhausted that

your words come out like feathers,

and breathing feels like a chore?

They can't see your tears when you're drowning.

And darling you're eight feet under water.

Because you can't feel the tears sting your eyes if you're already drowning.