I've met my own worst enemy,
I've stared him in the eye,
I've called him names,
I've besmudged his character;
destroyed his reputation.
I've been consumed with hate for him,
and all of that hate has been like burning coal.

Burning coal that burns from within,
the more I hate the more it burns.
I burn with hate for my own worst enemy.
However, now I stand alone,
looking for terms of peace,
it's time to call a truce.

I stare my enemy in the eye,
I smile and he smiles,
from enemies
to brothers in arms.

You never did seem to fit in anywhere,
Did you?
A loner among the alone,
a broken song of isolation,
the cry of the walking wounded.

You found solace in your writing,
Didn't you?
Withstanding the torrent of judgement,
and the belittling of criticism.

You only wanted to be heard,
to speak,
to have a voice.

But the words didn't come so easily,
Did they?
You wish you could stay in this place
forever,
writing the never-ending tale.

They lied to me.
They tried to tell me
what to care about,
what my interests should be.
They tried to tell me
who I am.

They lied to me.
They tried to tell me what to dream;
then helped to tear those dreams down.
They told me they would be there for me;
yet they were as baseless as their words.
The natural company of misery;
a friend to the friendless.

They lied to me.
They wanted me to believe
that this is what it means to be a man.
Now I know and I can’t look back.
I gave it all a chance,
but it’s time to clear out my brain.
What was once there has now gone.

As I sit on bended knees and pray,
I know there must be a better way.
I come before You with blinded eyes;
seeking Your presence.
I ask that You may lead so I can follow,
that You may teach so I can serve.

They lied to me,
but I know You won’t.
For this is not faith,
nor is it confidence,
it is assurance
etched deeply in my heart.

It’s like trying to find your way out
of an invisible cube,
A forcefield of aloneness.
Inside my head - an island of one.

It wan an illusion all along.
There was never any ‘in’ crowd.
You had your dreams bought and
sold from under you.

Clinging – Grasping – Paving my improved path.

This is where I stand, judge me as I am.

An ode to tomorrow in the closing of today.

In the silence of the night
and through the darkness of despair,
I called out for a teacher,
I prayed that you were there.

I wanted to be just like them,
a rishi,
a sage,
writing poetry for God;
I wanted to be
a wise one.

Though my faith was shaken,
I remained undeterred.
The coming of the ego was
the making of the man.

I was bought to my knees.

Humbled.
Shattered.
Battered
Smashed.

I no longer doubt the strength in one's own being.
I don't doubt the love of one's own heart.

Some may call it a rebirth,
some may say born again.
Whatever the words,
the intent is clear.
For that I say:
Thank You.

Who am I?
What does it mean to be me?
Shackled in this cage of a body,
I’m trying so hard to break free.

Cross my heart and I hope to die,
I say a prayer as I look to the sky.
It's time again and I don’t wanna get high,
but my will, it flickers and falters,
I just wanna escape, find sleep for a little while.

In a self-pity of distress,
I’ve created another mess;
trashing my mind, sometimes I couldn't care less.
I can feel the vultures tearing at my heart;
well, can’t ask them to leave now,
it was me who gave them their start.

****** to the bone.
Rapid with rage like a dog on a leash.
Forget the existence of time
and the nature of reality.

Time to get off of this train,
these thoughts spill out,
press play and hit the brain drain.

I’m not sorry,
it’s not about apologising.
One day at a time.
Is that only a cliche?
Is change only transitory?
Let’s find out.

Oh Lord,
I come before you a broken man.
Beaten and betrayed,
scorned and condemned.

I want to live.
I want life.
I can’t take this destruction of death;
this cesspool.

Oh Lord,
fill me with Your wisdom,
teach me with Your guidance.
Save me from this infinity of inferno.

Though they may mock,
taunt
and speak out of turn,
they cannot seek You,
for You are not known to them.

They silence themselves,
becoming their own critics.
They beat on the wounded,
and depart the despaired.

They shall not know,
that which was never meant to be hidden.
A world quite near to here,
yet very far.
A world to destroy all the myths
of souled-out archetypes.

Long gone and forgotten will our world nearly be.
The other world remaining a precious jewel to those who know.
No type of hierarchy, a school of one.
Soon will this world be known to those who seek it.

Remember always the language of the universe,
the wisdom of those who do not speak,
the whispers of ancestral past.

Here it comes,
the shotgun of emotion.
Desolate;
I stare off into the distance over
this wishing well of despair.
If I cut myself
would I even bleed?

A beacon of darkness
swallowing me whole.
I claw at my face
as I silently scream.
Is there a way out of this contraption?

I write what I feel,
I'm not feeling much.
Somethings stuck.
It hurts to not even feel hurt.
These eyes die to cry,
yet nothing seeps out of the void.

No one can save you except for yourself.
That's the joke. Get it?
It was you all along,
you only ever needed to listen to yourself.

I can feel them itching away at my insides.

They want me to take a shot.
They want me to take the relief of a hit.
"Home is where the drink is" they tell me.

Their judgement is laid before me.
They stand as my accusers.
I stand as the accused.

"We'll do it this way" they say.

"No, it ends now, we'll do it my way" I reply.

"We were always doing it your way".

A sound. A voice. Had it been me all along?
Oh no, had I lead myself astray this whole time?

As a carriage follows its horse, so does a mind follow its thoughts.

It's time to get these thoughts in order.

There’s no peace for the wicked,
we drink consequence from our own cup.

Like a baby drawn to her mother’s ******;
I pacify myself.
Listening for the voice:
“it’ll be ok, everything’s’ ok”.
Only silence.

There’s no consolation in this bottle,
only more tears;
these eyes have run dry.

Need to find out a way out of this pit,
Up, up, up
out of a hellish reality of despair,
trying to find the words that’ll take me there.

Maybe I’ll write some more,
but I can only write what I know,
self-esteem,
so low.

I don’t understand the world.
I don’t wanna go back.
The world’s an illusion,
like professional wrestling,
it’s fake, it's phony, it’s a sham.
Yet we all sit here like gleeful wrestling fans,
submitting ourselves to an illusion we know isn’t real.

As the weak prey upon the weak, they feast upon themselves.
It’s time for me to turn the other cheek, get up and move on.

You make me feel accepted.
You make me feel like a normal person in a world that’s shunned me.
I didn’t know you existed, until you came to me.
I complete me.
You complete you.
Together we're complete.

In a world that burns with decay, I’m starting to see a light.
I really thought I was alone, how foolish!
Why did I believe those voices?
I didn’t want to exist, I didn’t want to live.
Maybe there is a way out, only this way out is through love.
Was it love all along?

How does it feel?
To pass by the people in the street,
knowing many of whom; you'll never greet,
in the blink of an eye and they're gone.

How does it feel?
To once again be all alone,
with no one to call your own,
singing a voiceless song.

How does it feel?
To press play on the cycle of repeat,
head full; never getting a moment to retreat,
You are the repercussions of your actions.

How does it feel?
To look through the world with faded eyes,
losing sight of a new surprise,
you only ever get one shot.

Among the crowd,
a stranger lurks.
He looks like them,
acts like them,
although,
he doesn’t feel like them.

The eyes in the street are all the same –
“I want someone to know my pain”.
Swimming among the sea of faces,
a ghost moves amongst them.

Taunted by memories of the past,
the rewiring of brain chemistry into a mess.
Voices of torture,
of pain, of sorrow,
the picking of decaying flesh.
What’s left?

Another face in the crowd,
Just another guy with a story,
No more or less special than
the blade of grass that’s underneath him.
Just another name in the wind.

Oh Lord,
I come before you a broken man.
Beaten and betrayed,
scorned and condemned.

Oh Lord,
My enemies gather and assail me,
they deprive me of my good.
They chew at my flesh and pick at my bones.

My screams in the wilderness, how long will they go unheard?
Is there no darkness that you can overcome?

I say goodbye to a tune that no longer plays,
and welcome in a mind with space for renovation.

Sobriety and lucidity in a trashed city,
no more looking for assurance in a distant world.

Oh Lord,
You free the oppressed and drive out the oppressors.
Of those being suffocated, you put air into their lungs.
You hold the keys to the grave,
You rise up the departed.

Oh Lord,
fill me with your wisdom,
teach me through your guidance.
Save me from this infinity of inferno.

For how long shall you remain quiet?
Eyes cannot see you and words cannot touch you.

Oh Lord,
Unleash your wrath!
Strike fear into the hearts of those who don’t believe.
Dispose of the wicked and exhult the pious,
For how long shall we wait?

Though they may mock, taunt
and speak out of turn,
they cannot seek you,
for you are not known to them.

They silence themselves,
becoming their own critics.
They beat on the wounded,
and depart the despaired.

Remember always the language of the universe,
the wisdom of those who do not speak,
the whispers of ancestral past.

A beckoning of quietness and solitude,
Indeed.
It's so silent in here,
goodbye to a tune that no longer plays,
and welcome to a mind with space for renovation.

Sobriety and lucidity in a trashed city,
no more looking for assurance in a distant world.
Feelings of happiness pervade the feelings of
Guilt,
as if life isn't meant to be like this.

I guess it takes a while to learn,
no more,
time to get a move on.

Switch on.

Each day a new beginning,
ending with the same outcome.
What I really need is a new life.

You never were one for the victim role, were you?
But who knew you were also the abuser?

Every look in the mirror,
a reminder of the past;
a look away.

These tears have run dry.
A headfull of broken thoughts;
a sigh.

I want to go home,
put myself to bed,
and tell myself stories until I fall asleep
and wake up to a new beginning.

A sweet dream.

Switch off.

All I ever wanted,
was to see that you care.
A sign, an expression
a momentary lapse in time that says:
"I'm with you" "I have your back".
I don't want to hear words anymore,
I've heard all the words before.
I want to know it.

I'm sorry about the days of old,
when I showed no care towards you,
and now I dare to call your love into question?
Not so.
I only look for that which I lack,
as a thirsty man searches for something to drink,
I look to quench the thirst of my soul.
My soul is like an empty well that desires to be full again.

I'm overtaken with your presence,
and I tremble in fear,
my bones rattle at the thought of entering a world without you.
Love motivates, fear suffocates.
You're not all I need, you're all I have.

"Oh no, he's down here again" said the little ant to the other little ant.

"Why does he come down so low?" responded one of the little ants inquisitively.

"He just gets like that sometimes, that's all" chimed in the caterpillar, who was baking in the sun.

From atop came a wise old butterfly, it took its seat next to the ants and the caterpillar.

"He's looking for answers, he's looking for meaning" said the caterpillar.

"Don't worry it's ok, he'll get there in the end, we all do" replied the butterfly as it took off and soldiered on.

The pang of nervousness hit,
struck and left to fend;
like a fish on a hook.

His mind paced with thoughts,
a train, they roared
here and there,
with no destination in sight.

In this guy's imagination,
he could bear it all.
A conjuring of answers,
to questions never sought.

In the flash of the moment,
he let fear take hold.
The worry of messing up;
of not knowing what to say.

Freestyling in his head,
he gave direction to his mind.
A statement of results
of work and hard luck.

Acceptance
in a union of one.
As the sun still shines
behind the clouds,
so too,
does this light still shine on.

The seconds, the minutes, the hours,
the time inside my mind stretches on.

Self-awareness has got me buggin' out.

I know this game, I know this chore,
I've done this all one million times before,
but sometimes I just don't wanna be me anymore.

Writers block.

A moments silence for the voices inside my head.

Stillness for now.

But the voices will come back, they always do.

You worried about how you looked,
you thought you weren’t good enough for them,
you don’t even know who ‘they’ are anymore.
You thought they were so enlightened,
their laughter so genuine,
their beings so care free.

Paranoia of delusions
in the seclusion of your mind.
Trying to match up to some
phony ideal standard of beauty,
Well man,
Those standards never existed,
they were invented by people
you don’t even know.

You talked to yourself in your head,
conversations with your thoughts.
There was never a box to fit into and if there was
you’d break it with a hammer.

It was never about worth but belief.
You just didn’t believe in yourself.
You let others dictate your worth for you.
Oh, for shame.
To think they know nothing.

We’re all member of the same jungle
Sticking it out and fighting it through.
A battle of many, this is
a war of one.

They’re your neighbours, workmates,
family and best friends.
They hide and they lie,
they use and abuse,
they’re not bad people,
they’re just sick, but they seek no pity.
It’s like a pain that needs to be numbed,
killed,
a hole in the heart,
a void of mammoth proportions.

We’re the same species,
and on the outside we all seem so similar,
but really,
we’re so individually different that we’re like snowflakes;
an imprint of altered states.
This is what makes connection so powerful,
we come together as two and leave as one.

As I pass through the hallway,
I hear the ticking of the clocks;
the tapping of the watch.
There's a step in my walk,
as I move from heel to toe.

Forwards, backwards.

I enter the room,
I'm greeted by the solemnness of the chair.
A glance at the clock,
its position on the wall,
so precise and careful.
I take a seat and lay down the strike of the pen.

The passing of the moment.

I take a look up at the hands,
they say to me:
"We only move one way".
A quizzical look.
"And what way would that be?"
Silence.

I put down the pen,
moving my eyes over what was written.
Mutterings
of marbled musings.
Tales
of scornful sorrows.
Words
of lyrical regret.

A thought spoken aloud:

"How did I come to be here?”

Another glance at those hands.

"How long has it been?"

The shortage of memory.
Only silence and
the passing of the moment.

It's bringin' me down you know,
'cause they're selling me lies
in their well-manicured ties
and I just saw the
Buddha
was on sale.

'Cause I'll search and I'll find
in the temple of my own mind,
that this guarantee was
never in stock.

In seeking a higher calling,
I fell on the ground, stalling;
recommitted now
to getting my act
together.

The brewing of the morning;
to set aside my idleness.
The taste of motivation,
an end to procrastination.
The writer chooses their words
as an archer aims for their mark.
Yep.
I think I'll have another cup.

Oh my Beloved,
I sing to you throughout the night,
at peace with our love;
knowing we’re together
as one
in my heart.

I weep with devotion for you.
Your beauty moves me to tears;
your affection fills me with warmth.

You speak to me through your actions,
your actions show me you care.
You're gentle, so kind,
your touch,
so delicate.

You give me encouragement.
You give me strength.
You're always here for me,
never turning away,
even for a moment.

You allow me to be who I am.
Through your love you give,
and give,
and give,
only wanting me to love
in return.

Your being is one of grace.
Your nature is one of generosity.
Out of appreciation,
my heart shatters.

You teach me how to be compassionate;
you've shown me what it means to love.
You never judged me,
when I judged you.
You believe in me;
I believe in you.

I take your hand with joy,
continuing to call out your name;
knowing we’re together
as one,
never to part.

This boy had a real penchant for experiences alright. He liked to experiment with his consciousness through the external realm of the world.

The stimulation offered by the external world was like a machine gun to his senses. It wasn’t just an overload of sights and sounds, it was emotion – pure emotion – confusion, loudness, compassion, hurt, pain, suffering, any number of this things in the span of the moment.

That’s what this was alright – the crutch of the moment.

This was the boy at his most primal. Like an animal battling within its natural habitat of survival.

This was a game that was an outcome of itself.

In the trenches, the adrenaline of diving in headfirst.

His eyes are starin’ and his brain a’foamin’.

Make no mistake this boy had takin’ a bruisin’ and he had the marks to prove it.

An inner war, between fear and love, between the mind and the heart and between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. Dark vs light – thoughts vs emotion. We need this working all for the one system; we need to work together on this. We’re only different parts of the one organism.

The excitement of never doing what was going to happen next – an audience of one in the reality show of his mind.

Not knowing how the moment will play out, like a motorbike the speed is picking up and the heart is thundering.

Sober and clear during the day,
awake and blasted
throughout the night.
These cycles of patterns should cease to exist.

This is a love story
between a man and his words.

The mirror of shallow reflection
shows levels of depth and perception.
What’s here today, may not be here
tomorrow.
Who I am today, may not be who I am
tomorrow.

Take me as I am or take me no other way.

Who you see is what you are and
how you see is who you are.
We are the mirror looking within itself,
reflecting itself on its own reflection.
Every piece is a reflection of itself.

Each day is a step forward,
even when moving backwards
we’re still moving forwards.

The memories of the past create
the memories of the future.

These tears are familiar to me,
during the span of the sleepless nights,
they make their presence known.

I'm scared.
I pull the covers over me and
there's only darkness.
I chant His name and
pray for this place to become holy.

I'm tormented.
A tired soul.
A wounded spirit.
I've only tried my best.
Whatever that was.

I continue reciting the Name.
Like a child without a parent,
I seek direction.
Dictation
I take down the words
I hear in my head.

A weird structure.
A confused guy.
I need to work harder.
I need to work faster.

I know not what I say,
I know now what I mean.
Wordplay
It's fun and takes me out
of my own self-awareness.

Honesty
that's all that ever mattered.
I write to myself.
Use your words wisely.
Let them speak.
Let them express for you.
Let them flow and
flow with them.
Go with the dream,
go with it.

Authenticity.
**** this.
This is who I am.
The words I write,
the speech I say;
this is me.

Walk this journey with me,
or not,
I don’t care.
This is real.
The “troubled artist”,
the “dark poet”,
the “pitiful addict”,
I’m all of it and
none of it.

Man up.
Stop letting fear take hold.
This voice you hear in your head is your own.
Listen to it, there’s wisdom there.
I’m sick of it, that’s right, I’m ******* sick of it.
Grow up, take a stand and be a man.

I talk to myself and these are the words inside my head.
Expression.
Thank God for it.
I scream and these words are inadequate.
Silence is golden.
So sick of clichés. I want something new.
Ok, I’ll be quiet now. I know it’ll be alright.
It’s ok. It’ll be alright.

A glimpse behind the mask,
a catching of the tongue.
The faces waiting in the shadows,
I know,
I've seen them before.

The breaking of a new day,
the makeshift of the moment.
A not-so-subtle desire,
an urge,
to discover the self.

A memory now,
disconnect me from my emotion.
How’d I fail to see through this disguise?
The layers of compassion
hidden
within those focus-wearied eyes.

A whisper,
an acknowledgement.
A tattering of delusions,
the picking up of ruins.
How much was it worth to learn what could have been known
Any other way?

The seconds turned into minutes,
the minutes became miles,
My breath tired,
it tried to keep up.

Calmness.
Now.
The centre of peace.
The questions and their answers
subsided,
a beckoning of quietness and solitude.

The lessons of life are sharp,
they cut and leave their mark.

If each day is a lesson,
how many lessons until I graduate?

As I walk down the street
I wear many different faces,
I'm known by many different names and
I play many different characters.
I exist as many and I exist as one.

Though we meet many times,
each time is a meeting of different people.
As you shift I transform,
as I transform you shift.
We create each other;
what's mine is yours, yours mine.
There exists no separation between us,
we are one
together always.

We're both in this moment
together
as one.
You and me.
I and I.

I can see it in your eyes;
your heart's with mine.
How beautiful that we're
together
as one
beyond the physical.

A kiss,
a touch,
a whisper in the ear.
The telling of secrets,
the removal of fear.

The flaws of the flawless,
how remarkable you are.
Hold me for this moment,
hold me tight and
never let go.

He’s going to a party and he’s scared to death.
Socialising.
It’s a scary thing folks, at least it is to this boy.
What will I say?
I have nothing to talk about.

Nervous excitement.
Oh man, my throat is bone dry.
A little dizzy, maybe even throw up.
Put my hand in my pocket,
Its shaking.
Jitters.
Walking in is the hardest part.

This isn’t going well.
Self-fulfilling prophecy.
I feel like a ghost.
Time to go.
Oh that hug; genuine compassion.
You just made it all worth it.
Thank you.

It’s so cold out there.
As I walk the streets I can feel the
Disconnection.
I take a **** and a sip of the drink
Warmth.

Trying to numb the slow dying hands of time.
The search for wonder,
the surprise of awe.
Death.
Don’t worry,
it’s coming for us all.

Look over your shoulder;
look under your bed.
Don’t leave your light on,
it’ll be peace.

Disconnected from reality,
trying to escape from the system.
Feel like I’m slowly slipping away.
I’m fueled by this rage;
I need to lift;
I need to rise above this cage.

All those times
I thought my cries went unheard.
I was curled up like a baby,
shaking and trembling
when you found me.
You took me in.
Whispered my name.
You clothed me, soothed me.

This is a story of sacrifice.
One of great love.
A man fulfilling the will of his Father.
Obedience to the word.
You've forgiven me;
why can’t I forgive myself?

These wings are clipped
from memories past.
I was trying to fly,
when I should have been swimming.

There is no separation between a man and his words.

The radios blaring,
and the television’s blasting
The newscaster reads with such finesse,
the weatherman has such flair.
This is a show and we’re the audience.

To think you weren’t so special after all,
One in billions,
mommy and daddy’s voices playing inside your head,
an oncoming of dread.

I've gotta keep running a marathon so they don't catch up with me. Don't Stop. Keep Going.

These are the words that want to be said, this is their voice.

This is just a guy talking to himself.

It’s just the same thing
Day after Day
A cycle of old habits and curse words.
This boy was trying to learn without making mistakes.
Why must he always learn the hard way?
Bad writing he hoped,
would eventually lead to good writing.

A chastisement.
A judgement.

I need to change my ways.

Weeping the tears of another,
if I was trembling
would you lend me your coat?
Ravaged and lost; like a dog
searching for its constant companion.
In the emptiness of today,
I’ll continue to weep
for the lost moments of tomorrow.

This boy was his worst enemy and he needed to be saved from himself.

An undisciplined mind can lead to areas of darkness, and this boy didn’t have the discipline to do this on his own.

So he sought out a teacher, he prayed night and day – "show me the way", "show me the way".

And the teacher answered – in the form of life.

Everything was meaningful and there was a lesson in the smallest of places.

But this boy, who had thought himself t to be so strong-willed came to see his mind in a different state – a new state of awareness.

Suddenly the boy wasn’t so self-assured. Now he realised the power of the mind.

Now the boy doesn’t look to be at the mercy of his own mind.

This boy will take control and work things out. This boy will be a man.

Hear the heavy sigh;
the thud of the armour.
My chest is sinking in,
my heart is beating against my skull.

Don’t stop Matt, just keep going.

My judgements come to me
without a moment’s notice.
I know not where I am,
I remember, wearily,
the events of the past.

Don’t stop Matt, just keep going.

Entrenched in my bones,
the markings of a man,
though they catch up,
I stand as I am.

Don’t stop Matt, just keep going.

Did mummy say you’re special?
Did daddy say you’ll be big someday?
Did they feed you delusions with your afternoon tea?
And teach you how to be
another pawn in the game?

Dead heroes and dead celebrities
Blaze through a death of innocence.
Now mommy and daddy aren’t here no more,
and you’re more alone than you were before.

They tried to teach you and teach you well,
but you were raised on a loss of fun.
Ain’t what you were supposed to be.

Sadness overglows your hardening heart.
What was open has now closed.

These words speak for the man,
they’re the voice of his soul.
A tarnishing of past reputations,
these words hang from me,
like lights from a Christmas tree.

I can feel it,
it’s so cold out there,
the disconnection echoes in the distance.
My hand trembles,
my knees are weak.
I find salvation through expression.

That’s all I ever wanted.
Acceptance.
It comes from the self,
yet it still eludes me.
Maybe I'll find it,
maybe I won't,
maybe it never went anywhere.

Time to draw the shades again.
Sitting in darkness.
I can’t stop this grief.
Those voices, they never stopped.
Mocked.
Ridiculed.
Degraded.
No fun.

The torture, the pain
I need it to come out.
What have I lived? What have I done to myself?
I never meant to hurt you.
I never meant to start this tornado of sorrow.
It just all happened so quick.
Done.
Now here we are.

My heart,
Oh God,
is it heavy.
I’m carrying this weight and it’s tiring me.
Go on.
It’s time to get up.