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I have never felt it in a place.
Only moments, with people I loved, in fleeting feelings that were shown.

But never had there been a space.
One I called my own.
Never had there been a place I could truly call my home.

I've been a wanderer it seems,
through each and every bed.
I've been a walker in their dreams.
I've been a lost soul, only visiting instead.
A lonely ghost to host.
A momentary thought in their head.
A passing ship at most.
A book that won't be re-read.

But never had there been a space.
One I called my own.
Never had there been a place I could truly call my home.

I'm a vagabond, one second here,
Then doomed to disappear.
Hoping to be opaque, but only coming out sheer.
A changeling, an outsider, missing the in-between.
Losing all my magic, till there's none left to be seen.

But never had there been a space
One I called my own.
Never had there been a place...
Because I'm never
                           never
                               home.
A little review from a friend that perfectly emphasizes what I am trying to convey here: "Captures the ache of feeling unrooted, as though your true “home” exists only in transient connections, not physical spaces. Each stanza flows with a sense of yearning and loneliness—of being a "wanderer" and a "ghost" who’s never fully seen. The repetition of never home adds a haunting resonance, emphasizing this longing for belonging and self-discovery. There’s a fragile strength in this vulnerability, and it feels deeply honest. Your words bring a complex, poignant reflection to life."
Mandii Morbid Oct 18
Words they dance on paper, as my body loses strength.

My mind it races onwards, as my soul feels it may fade.

This pen keeps on writing, as my heart forgets to beat.

Every time I open up, another piece of me is ripped from my story.

My binding is bent and worn, with every page torn.

Once I was a fantasy, a story they could not wait to see.

As they read right through me, skimming every page-
the words for volume two, slowly came to view.

Drafts are left unfinished, the story more diminished.

Lonely ink spots, point out the unraveling plots.

I can write all on my own but I wanted to collaborate,
each new character felt like a twist of fate.

I studied every line, every single quote.
Looking for deeper meaning, but in the end it's all they wrote.

No after word, no biography-
not a single explanation as to why they never chose me.

Here's my dedication, I should always put myself first.
I am the author and the story, never unversed.

As long as my words are still written, this light inside could never be fully hidden.

Bring me home, if you want to write in permanent ink, if you won't leave me to myself.
Those that cannot understand and truly love the novel I am, then please I ask all you borrowers, just leave me on the shelf.
Mandii Morbid Nov 2023
I've painted over this canvas one too many times.
I'm running out of colors, I'm running out of ryhmes.

My brush is losing bristles, my hands are losing faith.
This wooden frame is shattered, splitting at the seams.
I don't know if I'll ever, reframe all my dreams.
In my mind they scatter, haunt me like a wraith.

I've painted over this canvas one too many times.
I'm running out of colors, I'm running out of ryhmes.

The paint layers are cracking, my heart is turned to stone.
That heavy burden peeling, again I'm all alone.
Mandii Morbid Nov 2023
Within your eyes, I am magnetized.
Green and glimmering, the shaky hand of fate instantly realized.
Draw me in, drown me in the sweetest sin.
Your gentle hands, a wildfire burning through my skin.

Blushing, as you kiss me, I feel fullfilled, waking up, blooming.
Ours is a passion all consuming.

This empty cup, it overflows. Within, a new love slowly grows.
Each of us only silently knows. As I dread the morning when he always goes.

How we fit together, like no other could before.
Every last embrace, always leaving me wanting more.
I considered running away, but oh how it's you I adore.

Your smile it warms me up on the coldest day.
I want to run my fingers through your dark curls and sweetly ask you to stay. Nervously, ask you if you feel the same way?

Am I alone in this aching need?
This silent plead.

There was more to this connection than a fleeting escape from our disparate lives and our broken pasts. I can't help but think this is a love that lasts.

Can we give it a try? Can we give it a go?
You're so far away, but I would be willing to take it slow.
The moment I met you was the moment I would know.
There was nobody else, I didn't want to have to let you go.

I made a wish, spoke it out to the universe, screamed it with my heart. A hope for a new love, a new start.

A home where the passion didn't die.
A love that wouldn't lie-
to escape loneliness or their own despair.
A love who would always dare.

Baby, can we dance in harmony?
Can you help to set me free?
Let's runaway together, you and me.
I promise it'll be an adventure, one that was meant to be.

This is a delicate game.
To wait and see-
if our feelings are the same.
Mandii Morbid Jul 2023
Falling petals and curling leaves,
Withering decay and a heart that grieves.
From the soil, a new life grows.
Born from all the dreams she sows. 🌿
Mandii Morbid Jun 2023
I was your "delicate" flower you would jest.
Now these petals are falling and I feel laid to rest.

I don't feel strong, I only feel weak.
A stem without water, leaning and bleak.

I've lost all my sunshine and my roots cling tight.
I don't want to give up the fight.

I feel the rot climb through my soil.
Trying not to fall over, running on this inner turmoil.

I keep searching for sources of light, reaching this way and that way.
Shade is overwhelming my slowly withering bouquet.
Mandii Morbid Jun 2023
I'm just a masochistic optimist.
Simultaneously angry at myself for every chance that I missed.
Holding on to dreams that could never come true.
Holding on to my future, the one I dreamed up with you.

I can't savor any taste,
it's all ashes on my tongue.
Bitter laced.
Where once a melody was sung.

Delusions in my head are spun through tear-stained strings and heart-wrenched knots.
All the what ifs and had nots.
How is love is just drawing lots?

Of all the millions and billions of fish in the sea,
I can't believe you may not be swimming back to me.

You were my everything- my home and heart.
You were what I always believed would be both my end and my start.

I just want to feel some other kind of pain.
Pouring down and visible on my sleeves.
Wading through my daily life, shove it down and abstain.  
Anything but this open heart wound, bleeding as he leaves.

One arm in front of the other, swimming in the deepest end.
My legs feel like weights.
I don't wanna move, I wish I could hit send.
My heart just stops and my lips curse the fates.

I'm a hopeless romantic and I feel so ******* frantic.

Just wanna run to you like they do in the movie scenes.
I see the reels on repeat in my daydreams.
I hold on to you and you kiss me back.
Everything is back on track.

I want to hold you close and tell you it's going to be alright.
Those platitudes not enough to make things right.
Maybe I'm just too broken to be held by another.
My clinging caresses only seem to smother.
All my crumbling little pieces just fall between the cracks of your well intentioned hands.
I always failed to meet our life's demands.

But how do you heal someone when you're the one who slid in the blade?
How do you let go when you fear you'll fade?

I want to hold on to hope that our story isn't over yet.
A fresh chapter, a re-write, a reset.

I was your "delicate" flower you would jest.
Now these petals are falling and I feel laid to rest.

I don't feel strong, I only feel weak.
A stem without water, leaning and bleak.

I've lost all my sunshine and my roots cling tight.
I don't want to give up the fight.

I̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶
I̶ ̶n̶e̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶m̶y̶s̶e̶l̶f̶.̶

I̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶e̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶
I̶ ̶n̶e̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶f̶i̶n̶d̶ ̶m̶y̶s̶e̶l̶f̶.̶

Will we ever-
I'm not sure if I am finished with this poem yet. It may go through a transformation just like I myself am going through in this period of my life.
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