Your absence is nothing
but a reminder
of your missing presence.

A little note telling me
that you're never coming back.
A soft whisper in my ear,
fingers running through my hair,
burning lips on cold skin--
meticulously painting the night sky
in colors unknown to man.

It would have been beautiful,
this thing we used to have.
Except it's now gone,
and all that's left
are bitter hearts and sad poems.

Our paths were never meant to cross.
I was just testing the waters when I caught you staring.
It started something grand and beautiful and exhilarating.
And that should have been the end of this backstory.

But we're just starting and we are still mere strangers
Me falling for you has always been a scary thought
Can you honestly love me?
When you hold my hand and touch my hair,
When you whisper secrets to my ears and make me feel special,
Are those moments real?

People always say that I have these walls around me,
That I am someone who's never gonna let somebody in.
But they never saw how higher and thicker your walls are.
You are so good at hiding what you feel that it made me think
That maybe what I'm feeling is a product of my imagination
A part of my subconscious waiting for someone
Who will try to understand all the layers of my insecurities
Someone who will paint my skin with his warm touches
Someone who will kiss my lips and tell me everything's okay.
Someone who will simply love the complicated me.

I'm giving this a chance
Even though the pessimist in me is screaming,
Telling me to run the opposite direction.
I'm giving you a chance
Because I want to give me a chance
To fall in love and be happy.

Please, do not hurt me.
I'm fine with unrequited love
But please, do not lie to me.
Do not call me at 3AM and tell me you can't sleep without hearing my voice.
Do not tell me you can't imagine your future without me.
Do not promise me these unless you're sure.
Because my heart is fragile and my bones are tired.

I've always been sad but you,
You remind me of the warm sunlight caressing my face.
The butterflies in my stomach awoke with your giddy laughter.
You endlessly surprise me with your actions.
Your smile is my happly place.
You are my happy place.

This.
This is the end of our backstory.
The rest, I hope, will be a beautiful history.

We ran out of things to talk about.
So I sipped my cold coffee instead, waiting for something to happen.
Anything that'll make the entire thing less awkward.
I caught you staring with that goofy smile and that's when I knew
That instead of anything,
Instead of something,
I got everything.

I am a woman.
My bones are made of the hardest rocks,
my skin made of the finest silk.
My eyes are the brightest stars,
and I trap the biggest galaxies inside me.

I am a woman.
Like violent waves crashing on the peaceful shore,
my words can be beautiful and deadly.
I can help stitch your rough edges,
worn and frayed from the constant cruelty of the world.
Dare hurt me, I will pull the seams--
one by one, I will make you fall apart
and annihilate every fiber of your being
just as fast as I can build you up.

Do not fear me for I am a woman.
I love deeply,
with my heart forever trusting,
not scared to be hurt just to feel.
I am a woman,
and there is nothing --
nothing you can say or do
to stop me from becoming one.

I thought I was over you.
But I still check my messages at two in the morning,
hoping your name will magically appear.
Asking me how my day went,
how I spent my afternoon.
Telling me you missed me.
I'm hoping.
I don't know why, but I still am.

I'm hoping you'll come back,
say sorry that you left me hanging.
I'd probably say it's okay,
that I didn't mind.
That we were both busy at that time,
and didn't really notice the silence slowly devouring us.
But I did and it hurt.
It hurt a lot.
But that's okay because it's you.
I could never be mad at you.

I'll always come back to you.

hesitant steps
nervous smiles
cold, shaking hands
warm, warm eyes

loud taunts
deafening cheers

slowly...
    oh
        so
            s l o w l y

soft cheek
and even softer lips

You were with a girl.
I'm not sure if she's just a friend.
Maybe she's more than that.
Maybe her smiles touch your soul gentler.
Maybe her voice soothes the storms in your head.
Maybe her kisses make you feel safe.
I'm not sure.
I don't want to be sure.

You were with a girl.
Maybe this time, I'll stop checking my phone for messages that'll never come.
Maybe I'll stop counting the days since we last talked.
Maybe I won't think of you anymore.
I'm not sure.
But *******, I wanna be.

One day,
I will travel the world and see places.
Maybe the immense beauty and their deep secrets
will drown
and suffocate me.
And then maybe,
just maybe,
these feelings will die.
I'll forget about you.
One day.

This is how I realized I'm over you.

I do not miss you anymore.
My soul that used to seek warmth
from your curt, unfeeling replies
now burn with an unwavering flame
fueled by the love I have for myself.
The eyes that used to hold galaxies and hidden universes
are now miles of sand,
a desert in nighttime.
Cold, dangerous, unforgiving.
A warning to stay away
or I will be lost forever.
That smile that makes your face
the brightest thing in the world--
my world--
reminds me of forgotten promises and an empty future.
I do not want any of that.
I do not need any of that.

But I do not hate you.
I hated the nagging silence,
the growing distance,
the poor excuses.
I hated that we fell apart.
But I never hated you.
I never could.
You were my escape
and my time with you had been filled
with fluttering butterflies, days of sunlight, and endless wonders.
For that, I'm thankful.

I'm over you.

Maybe that was
why I was
so afraid
to lose you.
You were
the only calm in
the chaotic
rumblings and mumblings
in my head.
You offered
warmth in the middle of
a torrential downpour.
In my life filled of
confusion and indecision,
things made sense.
You made sense.
We made sense.

Until we didn't.

There are few things I've realized after we talked.

First.
You're intelligent, and most people don't see that.
They can't understand that there's more to your pretty face.
Your well-thought words utter what actions can't.
You always tell me that I'm the poet between the two of us
But you,
You draw bright cities and beautiful night skies
With hushed voices, and quiet whispers.

Second.
You're sensitive, and you take every harsh word to heart.
You always say you don't,
And cover the hurt with weak smiles
That don't reach your eyes.
But I know you better, and I know you deeply.
You're too kind, too pure to be treated like that.

Third.
You're patient.
You know that perfect things,
No matter how small they are
Or grand they may be,
Will arrive in the right time.
We, of all people, know this.
You're the most special gift
I didn't know I was yearning for.
My sweet, sweet serendipity.

Fourth.
You will never be convinced that cats are better than dogs.
I agree.

Fifth.
You're kind to others, but never to yourself.
You love so unconditionally
That all that's left to you
Are tired eyes and weathered bones.

Sixth.
You are trapped within walls of expectations.
Your bright, burning soul slowly faded
With years worth of sadness.
It took a while before you found yourself.
And when you did,
You were unsure if you liked what you've seen.

Seventh.
Though our hearts are weary,
And our bodies restless,
Know that I will only want you.
Know that I will always need you.
You see through me,
Beyond the superficial,
You saw the deepest, darkest crevices of my soul.
You make me feel things I have never felt before.

There are few things I've realized after we talked.
I love you,
And I will never, ever let you go.

It's kind of
strange
how a simple 'hi'
from you
brightens
my entire day.
It's kind of
scary
how a single word,
a single syllable
holds that
much power
over me.
And just as your 'hi'
means the
entire *******  world
to me,
your 'bye'
annihilates
everything alive
inside of me.

I can smell it.
Like the musty wind before the devastating hurricane, I can smell it.
I can smell the sadness and the tears from late night musings.
I knew the entire thing is doomed from the beginning.
But like a fool who's used to believing, I held on.
It was too slippery.
I lost my grip.

Thank you for leaving me.

For every tear that fell,
I came to realize
how important my feelings are.
I realized I have
to love myself first
before I give my love to others.
My lips will touch
my scars and my flaws
long before my mouth touches yours.

Your world is full of
many intersecting roads;
I got lost and forgot my way home.
So thank you for leaving me.
I'm home.

It wasn't the common kind of sadness.
It was dark,
engulfing,
consuming.

It was a vast and dark ocean,
and I was nothing
but a tiny rock
thrown in it.

I sank hard,
I sank fast.
There at the bottom,
I stayed.

Never seeing.
Never leaving.

When did
our conversations
turn into
something we're both
forced to have?

When did
knowing about you--
your smile,
your life,
your soul--
become a chore?

Why can't you
be as
hopelessly in love
with me
as I am
with you?

Will you ever be,
or am I
a rock waiting
for the sun
to make
me a star?