It's my own **** fault.

Theres beauty,
In driving down the road,
With your ex bestfriend crying in the passenger seat,  she's so vulnerable, like a wild animal,
In captivity, captivated by her moms cruelty,
I'll tell her I love her, but I keep my eyes on the road, I admire how gorgeous she is,
Even though it's pitch black,
We're headed to closed stores,
But we've got nothing else to do,
Drive around this wastland,
Get a drink or two,
Poetry is so easy,
Life is so hard,
I guess that's why I packed up and moved here.

The girl with volcano eyes,
And a lions mane,
Never quite fit in,
I guess she's to blame,
Because she's got freckles on her nose,
A few broken toes,
On her left foot of course,
And she doesn't sit straight enough,
She's smiling a lot,
But never feels it,
So they say she's insincere,
But she carries twice her weight in responsibility,
For you,
A stranger,
She's got short legs,
A long curvy torso,
That bleeds into wide hips,
She has larger calves,
And tiny ankles,
Fat fingers,
And small hands,
Perfect ears,
But too large a nose,
They say her cheek bones are so high,
Her bottom lip too plump,
But her personality,
Extrodinary

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Sing me a sad song, cause I'm not me anymore. I like the smell of gasoline, fresh baked cookies, and music shops. Not in that order.

God I hope you're working tomorrow,
Don't tell me you took a day off,
Decided to not come in on second shift,

God I need you,
My passions snapping,
I don't want to write,
In fact this is my last,

God this town is so empty,
All I hear at night is suit cases closing,
Doors opening,
And footsteps leaving,

All the people I use to love,
Dried out and deceiving,
God I love you,
I'm calling in sick tomorrow.
Actually, I quit

I played tonight,
Till my finger tips bled,
More than blood,
Memories,
More than tears,
I miss you.
This ol' guitar is my last keepsake,
Worn thin strap,
Unraveled,
But I'll never take it off,
I can still smell the music shop,
On the hot July day,
He was hanging by his neck on the top left,
You bought him for me,
And we took him home,
And you taught me,
So many more things other than just a song on guitar,
I miss my bestfriend

I WONDER IF DRINKING COULD CURE DEPRESSION. MAYBE ERASE ALL THE MEMORIES. CAUSE WERE ALL CHEWED UP AND SPIT OUT.  SITTING IN THE TUB AT 7:30 PM CLOTHES HEAVY HANGING ONTO MY BODY CLINGING TO ME LIKE ILL DISINAGRATE I WISH ID DISINAGRATE CAUSE THIS WATER ISNT HOT ENOUGH EVEN THOUGH MY SKIN IS RED IT CAN DROWND MY BODY BUT THE WORDS FLOAT ON THE SURFACE. PULLING ME BACK UP BACK UP BACK UP. JUST LET ME SLEEP IN THIS HELLISH OASIS, OASIS I LIKE THAT WORD. SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A GIRL AND A GUY USE WHEN SPEAKING OF TRUE LOVE. I LET OUT A SOFT GIGGLE IT COMES OUT AS BUBBLES REACHING THE TOP FLEEING MY MOUTH. Hallelujah what is love hallelujah what is love hallelujah what is love?

His art it so pretty,
But he touched young Brittany,
He said she wanted it,
I just played his music louder,
I still wear his hoodies,
And I still sing his songs,
I wonder if young Brittany would sing along?
Am I horrible

I wish I could divorce you from my life,
You ache,
You splinter,
You cut,
You bruise,
You orange juice after toothpaste mouthwash,
I hate you

My shadow is beautiful,
She dances and twirls,
Does piewriates down the halls,
I walk with her talk with her,
She mocks me,
Cause she knows I'll never do what she can,
The way she bends,
Almost breaks,
Stands back up,
The tips of her toes pointed straight,
Ballerina, Ballerinia,
Overweight,
You can't protisapate,
Ballerinia, Ballernia,
Stay home,

Back hurts,
But my mind hurts worse,
We moved again today,
3 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment,
On the other side of the world I use to know,
Moving is easy,
Moving on is worse.
It ***** so much,
To lie to everyone,
Tell them you're okay,
When horrors go on past those four walls,
Your eyes will never catch a glimpse,
But it's gonna be alright,
It's gonna be okayyyyy,
I didn't like my old life anyway,
It ***** so much,
Cause I'll never trust again,
You'll never know,
How much it cost,

I like the beat, the shoe makes on the steps,
Skipping three,
Flying down flights,
Down down down,
Who is a man, that lays his hand on his lover,
& calls it tough love.
Up up up,
I like the beat, shoeless feet make on concrete,
Cold or hot,
Naturally hurts, but it feels good,
I hate beatings,

I'm Wendy Darling,
Where's all my lost boys?
They took Cap'n Hooks ship back to England.
Now I'll be forever a little girl,
In such a big big big world.
Where only men are in control.
They always say don't grow up!
Read us bedtime stories,
Even if it's stories you never wanted to read,
They don't even pay,
After you've stayed,
Tick tock tick tock,
Time my old friend,
Where have you been.

Don't tell me I'm pretty, I did not choose the way my features aligned themselves, or the texture of my hair, or the color on my skin. Tell me I have a beautiful mind, tell me you love my honesty. Tell me the way the rain makes me happy, makes you happy, compliment me on things I've worked on, on things I've developed. Don't tell me I'm ugly, I did not choose the way my features aligned themselves, or the texture of my hair, or the color on my skin. Tell me the way I enter a room like a hurricane infuriates you, tell me my tactlessness hurts you and everyone around me, tell me my inappropriate mouth is offensive and crude. Critique me on things I can change, make me a better person. I don't care how you think I look.

Slowly rolling, folding fabric,
Shifting, guiding off the body,
Nervous laughter,
Lip bites,
Inhale,
Exhale,
Gently not too much she says,
My hair fanned across the bed,
A lions mane,
In all its glory,
My eyes roll up to the ceiling,
The part were the blue paint,
Contrasts the white,
Adrenaline kicks in,
When the needle hits the skin,
Ink to flesh,
The most intimate mesh,
My lifestyle,
Under **** tattoo,
To life,
I said,
To life,
She said,

Kids, got a hole in their soul, in the shape of their father.
A void not easily healed, or shut up tight like you'd like it to be.
It hurts a lot, but I'll make it through.
Mommy and me, never you.
Ryan, and Luke, and kolby.
I'll never meet you, but at least he told me.
AT LEAST HE TOLD ME OF YOUR EXISTENCE.
NOT OUT OF KINDNESS OR GRACE.
BECAUSE HE PICKED YOU GUYS OVER ME.
ILL HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH THAT MOM SAYS SHE SAYS A LOT OF THINGS BUT I DONT AGREE WITH MOST THINGS AND MOST THINGS WELL, WE NEVER SEE EYE TO EYE BECAUSE MOST THINGS DESTROY ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT I WANTED TO KNOW A FATHERS LOVE NOT JUST ANY FATHER BUT YOU. A kids got a hole in their soul, in the shape of their father. Mines shaped like you.

Mr keatings veiw on the world.

I like poetry,
Because you don't have to be beautiful,
To be good at it.

Pick up truck,
Pick me up,
Two bestfriends,
And a reckless driver,
2010 hits,
Would be enough to drive away the pain,
90 miles per hour,
Race death,
I looked at her,
And she looked at me,
I screamed when I die,
This is how I want it to be.

I watched the eel, **** the fish.
And I didn't stop it,
I guess curiosity is to blame,

Metaphorically I'm a *****.

POETS ALWAYS TALK ABOUT THE SEA AND THE SAND LIKE ITS ROMANTIC. THEY SAY THE TIDE KISSES THE BEACH EVERY TIME IT COMES HOME. BUT TO ME IT LOOKS A WHOLE LOT LIKE ABUSE. THE WAY THE SEA REAMS UP TO COME CRASHING DOWN ON WORTHLESS SPECS OF SAND THAT USE TO BE SHELLS AND LIVING CREATURES. NOW BATTERED TO THE POINT OF NOTHINGNESS. SO NO TO ME IT REMINDS ME OF NOTHING ROMANTIC. IT REMINDS ME OF 3AM SHAKING AWAKE COVERED IN SWEAT FROM THE NIGHTMARES OF YOU DAD. YOURE THE OCEAN AND I AM THE SAND. FOREVER LONGING TO HOLD YOUR HAND. WATCHING AS YOU LEAVE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN COMING BACK TEN TIMES ANGIER. NOT SATIFIED UNTIL I DROWND.

Our conversations curve like this road.
" You know that Ian kid? Who lives just up the road? He's always wearing backwards hats, those ripped up jeans and black shoes?"
Yeah, he's a little cutie.
"Well his older brother is a very handsome man. He dresses just like that, but I think he's a punk. "
Maybe I'll talk to him.
"Why would you want to mess around with a guy who doesn't care about anything?"
Maybe he'll change.
"You don't hook up with someone hoping they'll change"
I do

I want friends who answer, hell I want friends. I've go friends, but most of them are too high to read the missed call messages. Or maybe they read it but didn't reply. Cause when I said I needed you I meant it, that my life ca lapsing in on itself was killing me. Silence. But please God forbid I tune out your daily gossip. Words. Sometimes I wish I didn't have anybody, that way no one could let me down.

I litteraly feel like I make choices, just so my brain can tear me apart. Piece by piece. Until I'm disgusted with the choices I've made. These feelings don't last just a couple nights, they last months, years. Sending me swirling back into self pity. I stop eating, stop smiling, stop listening to music, stop laughing, and stop writing. Till I'm no longer me, just a shallow shell of who I use to be. I find no enjoyment, just distaste for my own life. I'm such a mistake, that all I can do is make more.

no amount of writing takes away this emptiness anymore

I miss the beat up dog house,
On the top of the hill,
Where my shaggy bestfriend would bask,
Quiet and still,
I remember the day they tore it down,
I miss the squeaking of your wheel,
And the soft sound of you chewing,
Where my bestfriend would snuggle,
I remember the day we emptied it out,
I miss the quiet shuffle of paws across the dresser,
The claws batting and my toes at three am,
And the soft wet nose on my hand,
I remember the day I carried all your stuff upstairs,
Bundled you up, and watched them drive away with you.
Each time I cried, but the last time I cried loudest.
See my bestfriends had four legs and fur,
Now they're all gone now the haunting thoughts have no cure.

I don't want to be lonely. But I like being alone.

I bought a lot of fish today, and put them into one tank. All different colors, and all different kinds. Some mean, some nice, some big some small. But it didn't make me happy. I keep finding things to distract myself from the pain. My mom things I'm bored, and just good at spending money. I'm just Tryna replace ya pops

I've got a couple 50's where my two bestfriends use to be. They don't know it yet.

Dearest Darling, I am sorry for my wrong doings. You will make it, after all.

Sometimes it's the economy, or your relationships. You don't have time. But sometimes you told me it was all you had. It would be five years till I would hear from you again. Seasons come and go, but you never change. Your absence is a wind, always at my back. I always wondered what that void was, it was what you lacked, not me. Sometimes I cry over the fact, but usually I just feel nothing, sometimes an abundance of over flowing somethings, somethings no, sometimes people happen for a reason. And all I can hear is,"the lack there of, the lack there of" but all I want to do is scream, you said you'd be there for me. Man dude, I've got so many things to say to you. Your voice will never reach my ears, just your genes. Call me dramatic, but just like Josh said, Were only addicts with a pen. Sometimes i tell myself if I know myself more, than I'll know you. But that doesn't feel true, I don't know what to believe. Because the simplest foundational things in people's lives...they seem impossible.

I knew he didn't love me, but I adored him anyway. Our souls were the loudest, but only we could hear, so silent yet so there. I wonder when he stares at me as we laugh if he thinks I'm beautiful, when I smile and stop to greet people, and I can feel his gaze on me. Does he adore me. Or is it the same with every girl, who am I kidding, you're just a boy. I listen to classical music, and it makes me feel alive, but not like when you tell me goodnight.

Barely lifting your sad caliused feet,
Off the polished marble floors,
Leaning into the glass windows,
Like it was your only support,
I watched as you rubbed away your
        R
            E
               F
                  E
                     C
                         T
                            I
                              O
                                  N
Trying to smear away any remains,
Of what use to be,
I wanted to scream the view is almost,
As beautiful as you,
Just look a little harder darling,
I know all you can hear is her constant
SCREAMING
I know that you want to live,
You're a torch in this abyss,
But you're fading,
I can see you ripping band aids off all your problems,
Letting the sorrow come pouring out,
I can see you crying on the bathroom floor,
Dear sad ghost, why'd you put your heart on a shelf.

Quiet angry words, are always the loudest,
Whispering, *******,
Is like a shout into a black hole,
Billions of light years away,
Echoing back,
Leaving me bresthless,
Łïpš stinging,
I won't have to say sorry,
And you won't see my apology,
In my tear stained eyes,
You won't ever see me at all,
You're two thousand plus miles away,
With your toes in the sand,
A girl laced into your arms,
Of course a cold bottle in the other hand,
Your fingers strangling the neck,
Always flirting with death,
I wish you loved me
Dad

I ordered my cap and gown today,
Time flies by,
When you don't have a dad to tell you to slow....down.

God, I know you're there.
I feel so alone, Father.

The only thing, the night offers me.
Raging head aches, & sore eyes.
Yet the poets cry for more.

I've always wanted to fall for a poet,

Running the fine hairs against my palms,
The cold wooden, slick wooden, handle,
Wondering which tree was this tool born from,
Vast colors on every single pallet,
A simple two syllable word,
Could not desribe their rich beauty,
My shaken hand guiding,
The straight and steady paint brush,
Lines lines lines lines,
Dark and light and dark and light,
A swirl of emotions on a piece of paper,
Heart racing,
Mind wandering,
Wanderlust,
Or just lost,
Not enough color,
Not enough shapes,
Swirls and spirals,
Like spirits in the sky,
Aluminous beauty,
Sprites dancing under mother Luna,
A shabby shacked city,
Full of sleeping children,
Or maybe star crossed lovers,
Maybe the kids from sandlot,
Cause they never really grew up,
Maybe heaven or hell,
But it's beautiful,
And I made it,
I drownd the paint brush,
Into the blackish blueish pool of water,
Swirling,
My finger tips dip into the paint,
Cold and calming,
Like a ghost of a friend,
I use to know,
Smearing the masterpiece into exiestence.

She said cry me a river,
So I bled her an ocean,
I drownd all the things I loved most,
Ship wrecked my emotions,
Lost my hope at sea,
All I needed you to be was my lighthouse,
Mom,
I'm sinking,
See THIS OCEAN ISNT MY HOME ITS SOME IMAGINITIVE PLACE I GO WHEN YOUR WORDS STEAL THE AIR FROM MY LUNGS AND THE WATER THAT USE TO BE SO REFRESHING FILLS MY THROAT AND DOESNT GO DOWN ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS WETHER OR NOT YOUR FLOATING BUT MOM IVE BEEN TREADING THESE WATERS EVER SINCE 98

Bright pink, satin red sunset.
Hallow wind,
Black silouettes,
Waves crashing,
More like gliding,
Folding over and under each other,
Just me and you,
Wet sand under our toes,
I always see the outline of your favorite hat,
But never a trace of your face,
Maybe I don't have to,
I know every line,
Every crease,
Because you gave them to me,
Like you gave me this yearning,
To be there with you,
An abundance of love and wanting,
Your presence more full,
Than the rising ocean,
I open my eyes,
Slowly,
Throw my feet over the side of the bed,
I rub away the dream with the back of my hands,
I can still hear the crashing sea,
But all I feel is empty,
I want to know your love,
I want these dreams to be real,
We're only a couple hundred miles away,
Why does it feel like more like light years away,
Why dont you want me dad?

Glad I was there for you, when no one else was!
I screamed into the vast abyss of your heart,
Poets use the word, tired and exhausted,
So often,
But never using it in the context of the actuality of it,
BECAUSE WERE YOUNG AND STUPID AND BEING MAD IS A TREND,
I fell in love with your sadness,
Before I fell in love with you,
And if that's not right,
Then I'm not sorry,
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,
I want to STOP being me,
I can't stand the way people treat me,
No words could contain enough emotion,
That I contain inside my brain,
And it's screaming to get out,
Screaming,
Maybe it's just me,
Or maybe it's you,
The way I'll never be enough for you,
i don't even care about poetry,
I don't care about anything,
I just want to sleep

It's was so cold,
That I was almost warm,
I stared at the chamber,
As if it was a vast abyss,
Six bullets stared back at me,
My numb fingers wrapped around it,
This weapon?
This choice?
This life provider or taker?
Savior or Damner
I stared into the eyes,
Of a boy who told me he loved me,
As he wrapped me into his arms,
I thought that if I held him long enough,
The pieces of him that mattered most,
Would go back into their space,
I was wrong,
Cause tonight,
I've never been so petrified in my life,
I told the boy who ripped my world to shreds,
I loved him,
As his tears fell down his cheeks,
His mind racing on wether or not,
To take his own life,
Or the mother of his life that caused him,
To be in this situation in the first place,
He sobbed into my shoulder,
And released his burdens into my waiting,
Hands,
I wonder what would have happend,
If I wasn't there for the boy with a broken heart,
Who broke mine.
Tonight

I watched her,
Wandering what was going through her head,
Could she only see her reflection,
Or the outside world,
And then, I asked myself the same.

Please
Rip this symphony of strategic words,
Curses that Echo and billow,
Like a cloud of smoke from your mouth,
As you inhale over and over again,
Your cigarette dictionary,
Yet am I the one who feels the burn,
Please rip them from your throat,
I can't,
I can't do this much longer,

I thought of you, when you thought of me.
I deleted all our memories off my phone.
The ones where we're smiling,
As if in a few short months,
We didn't know we'd be nothing to each other,
You gave me a quiet hey,
I gave you a simple nod,
We asked about each other's lifes,
I found that quite odd,
Because it feels like just yesterday,
You knew me better than myself,
But you told me about your new job,
1500 a night,
Taking your clothes off for girls,
As if that was right,
I asked jokingly if you charged extra for the guys,
You nodded without missing a beat,
I felt chocked up inside,
I just grinned and said I remember when I got all of that for free.

i wish I could write beautifuly,
Fluently,
As you do,
Abstract,
With the knack of adding ferocity,
Leaves you breathless,
But content,
Art,
But ugly,
Rugged and rough,
Yet lovely,
I'm a child,
Nothing more,
Weak in the act of living,
I could do better,
Better,
Could I do?
I wanna write like you,
As if the words were rolling off Gods tongue,
Onto yours,

He drew,
Overnight,
Till the morning,
Something beautiful,
Till his hand ached,
His brain wondering the meaning,
Of those 12 words,
I remember the smell of the shop,
Wafts of adrenaline & home,
Leather couches,
And hot guys,
I remember when I saw the outline,
Beautiful my eyes watered,
He took me to the back room,
Pushing up my sleeve,
Washing my arm carefully,
He shakenly asked me what it meant,
What the 12 words were,
And the beautiful wave,
He wouldn't meet my eyes,
I softly said,
It shows my trust in God,
He inhaled,
I smile small,
I tell him of his love,
And how these 12 words represent our,
Relationship,
He finally looks up at me,
He says I've must've thought about this,
Through,
I smile as he presses the needle to my skin,
Four hours of spending time with him,
Laughing and joking,
I had hoped to have inspired you billy,
All I can see when I close my eyes,
Is how you held on,
To that book,
You thought it gave you answers,
And you grasped it so tight,
Tighter than the machine,
You filled with ink,
Permentally marking me for life,
I watched as the inspiration evaporated,
You titled your head,
Giving me a small sad smile,
The satanic bible clenched in you enclosed fist,
Because how could someone ever put all their trust, into someone who is suppose to be so good, in a world so bad.
So why fight fire with fire,
When you can just lay down and sleep with the wicked,
It makes me sad sometimes,
Thinking of you,
But I know as the years go by,
As I go back to you over and over again,
As I am more ink than skin,
I'll teach you to love once more,
You speak in every curling wave, & sing in every violent breeze.
12 words

I screamed out, "God I love you!"
But I need a father,
I didn't mean to let you down,