She couldn't get any closer to the fire if she fried...

I can't find myself in the usual hiding places

Awoken with a sombre tone,
a shattered spine, twisted curling toes.

An empty ink cartridge, grinding cartilage.
It started like this, but it can't go on.

As the bones meet, the pain is no longer discreet,
unbearable, climbing up the walls;
dents made in the wood chip by newly chewed fingernails,
hanging on to prevent the falls.

The desperation to cling on to whatever's left of the self.
The wealth took over you didn't it?

It twisted your mind until it every thought became mangled.
Those drugs you chose to use...
Those spangled moments seem so misconstrued right now don't they now, you idiot?

Nothing happened,
Nothing came true,
No-one came through,
Other than me,
Other than you.

Sleep now as the pain relieves,
it floats away like a helium balloon,
healing the wounds with the secrets you keep:

This is the place that you and I meet.

People who fight
their battles alone
either lose the battle
or lose themselves.

Is it possible to cry for a ghost?
Not an actual spirit left behind,
But for the shell that walks pass day after day.
They look the same but those who knew then before can tell.
They are no longer there.
They have died within themselves.
The person once known is gone.
Is it normal to mourn the loss that happened but didn't?
Is goodbye still goodbye if they're still here?
Tell me.... Because I can't tell...

I have not gone so long without talking to you in two years.
But this was it,
The straw that broke the camel's back.
Our friendship is shattered,
Gone like the one of a kind vause,
Made by the recently deceased artist.
No remakes or copies to replace what was lost.
Who you are becoming has pushed me away.
The decisions, the choices make me wince,
Make me shed tears of loss and betrayal and frustration.
I cannot comprehend who you are.
I do not recognize the person in front of me.
Your eyes are shallow.
They are colder than ever, darker than before.
You are not the person I cared for, the person who cared for me.
We are strangers who know the secrets of each other.
I pass you and try not to think of Dr. Pepper and cherry *****.
To forget chicken pizza and the jokes we made.
Life is moving and tilting and shifting,
Slowly pushing us further apart.
We could stop it,
If we truly wanted to.
But we are resigned to what fate has deemed necessary.
I cannot accept that you are so callous.
I cannot understand how you became so unfeeling and heartless.
So I do not text.
I do not call.
Instead, I sit in the silence between us,
And it widens this chasm into a canyon.

The metallic taste returns again.
It's here for hours this time.
Nothing can dull the flavor,
Or even weaken it.
It rolls over the tongue,
Thick and pungent.
The smell alone chokes,
Making breathing difficult.
The texture is that of unfiltered syrup,
Overwhelming as it coats all it touches.
The relief, however, is undeniable.
The tension leaves every limb.
The haunted look leaves the eyes.
Color returns to the skin,
Strength returns to the muscles.
I am human again....

You didn't say, "Come here and stop being so scornful, you stubborn little woman."

So I didn't say, "Why should I?"

And You didn't say, "Because I love you."

And I didn't put aside my fears and doubts to bury myself in your arms and say, "I know."

And You never held me while I cried happy tears of relief as I added, "I love you too."

We grew up.
We grew into eachother.
I cant tell where I end
and you begin.
We make eachother younger,
braver people.
I look at you and I just
want and want and want.
I want things I dont know how to ask for.
It sticks in my head like bubblegum
on the bottom of my shoe.
Everything feels so incredibly vast.
How do you let go of something
thats already a part of you?
I say your name just to feel it in my mouth again.
All I can see is that October rain
dancing down the lines of your hair
and the gentle ***** of your nose.
Its the kind of thing that makes me want to take deep breaths.
I am storm soaked
and full up in love.
How fine and rare and beautiful it is
to simply exist.