I think I will always remember
how your hands fit in mine
how your hugs forced my broken pieces to fit
how your words, our words, seemed to rhyme
how your kisses blew the pain away

I think I will always remember
how happy we made each other feel

I think I will always remember
how we chose to be right

I think what will always stay with me
is how easily you have let go

never thought it would be that easy

all it took
were two hands
two bottles gulped
two stomachs with nothing but butterflies
two trapped hearts
two lonely souls
a hug
a tight one
another one
a gaze
a warm gaze
a soft touch
a soft voice
telling me to just look at the stars
when there's none
and pretend that cranes
were giraffes looking after the city
and a kiss
on a forehead
we both know we're trapped
but we pretended

you told me you were home
and i couldn't get any happier
for you
step by step you were recovering yourself
and step by step
you made me lose mine

and time's up
we had to part ways
but whatever chance we had, we took
whatever it took, we did
and another kiss
closer
closer
your hugs were tighter
closer

then we faded

And in the end
It's not about how you feel
that matters

It's what you intend to do

We were just two people
who happened to be
at the same place
at the same time

We were just two people
Being exactly where we want to

We were just two people
*Being exactly who we need

You need not ask,
I'll go

We could've,
but chose
*not to

Everything
matters
less
after
you
wake
up

And I am confused

I don't know which

I am lost

I am lost in you

I am lost with you

I am lost from you

I am lost

I am

Am I?

Some forevers
only last
for seconds

Ours is a story
I'll never forget

Like the sound you hear when you hear nothing

I am numb

And even if it makes me feel so strong

It makes me feel so weak at the same time

I want to feel
But

I am too busy
saving other people

I forgot to save myself

I am so tired of endings
I don't wanna start anything at all

I am tired of losing things
I don't wanna feel like having anything at all

I am so used to being lost
I don't wanna be found anymore

I am tired of faking smiles
I don't know what's real anymore

I am so used of being broken
I feel nothing at all

Thanks for reviving
What was dead

I will always choose
to break my own heart
than to break others'

I will always put
other people's happiness
before mine

It will always be okay
for my knees to be bruised
for my hands to be scarred
for my mind to be clouded
for my soul to be crushed
just to save others

And that's the sad thing

I've already established
that I come **second

Everything
I felt,

You did not

And I have been telling people
To never hesitate,
To always love,
To never waste time

I have been reminding people
It's okay to cry,
It's okay to care
It's okay to show affection

I have been urging people
To help the broken
To pull the down
To heal the beaten

But all these are just excuses
All these are lies
I want people to save other people
*I just want people to save me

Her laughter was better than the melody of my favorite song
If I could listen to it forever, I would
Too bad,
I haven't heard it for months

Her words were comforting
Even more soothing than the classics
She spoke the truth in the kindest ways
There are no words I'd rather listen to than hers
But her last words were the opposite

Her hug was warmer than the pink covers I've been using since I was six
If I could embrace her forever, I would
But when I touched her today,
She was cold

She was the best among all
If someone could have stayed forever, I wished it to be her
However --

I wanna be the wanderer lost in your body*

I'll treat the lines of your hands as road maps;
your fingerprints as busy intersections

I wanna get lost in every corner of your body
exploring ‘til I see darkness and cobwebs on the insides of your ribcage

I wanna see every broken piece of your heart;
and mend them together, one by one, slowly and surely

I wanna get lost in your mind and hear your every thought
Your opinions, your dreams, your frustrations, and your sweet pillow talk
(I bet they’ll all be fascinating and depressing at the same time)

I’ll stay at the corners of your mouth
Your lips will be my pillow and bed, your words will be my bedtime stories

I wanna memorize your scars, and examine them
I’ll figure out everything behind every mark,
and know how they made you stronger

Your clavicle will be my resting place
after I travel through your veins

I’ll spend a week looking in your eyes, determining whether they’re black or a hue of dark hazelnut

I will travel along the lines of your face,
and observe how these lines wiggle as you smile, or frown, or cry

I’ll climb to the bridge of your nose,
and be amazed to see everything clearly

I’ll drop by your liver
and comfort it every time you gulp a six pack beer

I’ll pass by your lungs
and clean it after you finish a pack of cigars

I’ll protect you
I’ll accept everything that you are

It will take me forever to know every tiny detail of your body,
but I’m gonna love it
I am sure
because *I don't mind getting lost
as long as it's in you

If a forever with you
is what heaven feels like

I'd be more than willing
to take my own life

let me die happy
or let me die
fighting for it

You're my home
Now I'm **homesick

until my soul
fills your lungs
with flowers

until my love
cleanses
the cobwebs
beneath your ribs

until my heart
pumps the blood
your body needs

until my bones
crumble to cover
your veins //

**breathe me in
and never
exhale me out

my body's tired from doing tasks that I have no passion for
my eyelids are getting heavier by the minute,
like no amount of coffee can ever keep me awake
i am drained;
the kind of exhaustion that neither sleep nor food can ever cure

my teachers say they're preparing us for something bigger
i worry about my sleep debts but i worry more about passing
i just hope that the "bigger thing" is worth more than my health

yet here i am writing this poem that has nothing to do with the things i am required to pass
but at least it has no format,
it has no rules;
& more importantly,  i have no one to please

for my professors this poem is a waste of time
for them, this poem doesn't matter
but it does
it does to *me

I am just a little star in your horizon
It's enough to see you glance at me once in a while
But then I craved and I yearned
Now I don't want to be just a tiny star
I want to be big enough to be the one you want
and close enough for you notice when gone,
*I want to be the sun

I don't know whether you really left a scent
Or I just remember your smell
But it sure smells like you
Or it sure smells like memories

I wore this tonight because it's cold
I remember how your hugs gave me warmth
Now all I got are chills
And this sweater that doesn't even fit

I wore it a couple of times before
I wore it one Friday night
It reminded me of how we used to go out on movies
and eat whatever we like,
but mostly candies and chocolates
and cold coffee and ice cream

I wore it one hot afternoon
Weird, I know
Maybe I just want to feel you
or I just want to remember how it felt
I miss being cuddled
But being near to a piece
of clothing that once was yours
is the closest and only thing I got
Better than none, I guess

I wore it on our anniversary
It was sure a heck better if I celebrated it with you
But nope, all I got were mementos
and high hopes, and this sweater
along with other things that don't fit
your shirts - too big for my frame
my thoughts - too messy for my brain
memories - too overwhelming for my heart


**Funny how I treasure
the things that don't fit

I've always wondered
why I see you
when I look
at the sky
And then I figured
that the universe
is a graveyard
of all the beautiful things
that once shine so bright

I’m trying to act cold
because I wanna feel numb
but inside I’m burning
with love, with madness
for you

I’m trying to push you away
because I don’t wanna be the girl
you walked away from
but my heart misses yours
you know I wanna hug you

I’m trying to look tough
because I am too tired of feeling weak
but inside my chest is a black hole
******* up everything I need
but not you

I'm trying to forget,
but I can't
if only willingness is enough
but it isn't