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My tears have turned to dust
I have no more left to cry
I weep and weep and weep
But still my face remains dry

You see, I have cried tears to last a life time
And now I have no more
I have withered under the weight of my sorrows
Remembering who I was before

When my body wasn’t etched with scars
A permanent reminder of the Pain
And my wings weren’t broken nor bruised
I could fly through wind or rain

But now my heart is a graveyard
That doesn’t see the light of day
If I could just listen deep down
I would hear a voice say

It’s not about what you been through
Or what tears you may have cried
What matters is that you lived through it
And you still have a light inside

You’re heart might be a grave yard,
But look closely, and you’ll see
This grave yard heart has fertile soil
To support the growth of flowers and trees

So keep on going beautiful
You’re almost there
The seeds have been planted in the cracks of your heart
And they’ll erase all memory of despair
Apr 23 · 49
Tired
Do you think there’s a god?

I haven’t felt Him around much lately
Apr 16 · 82
Queen
There’s a howling ghost deep within my chest
that courses through my veins
And refuses to let me rest

She screams at me that life is tough,
But so are you
You wouldn’t have made it this far
If it wasn’t true

Pick yourself up off the ground
It isn’t your home
Dust off your crown
And go claim your throne

So I struggle to stand up
And look at myself in the mirror
The voice is right, after all
A Queen doesn’t have time for tears
Apr 16 · 371
The Color Blue
I think I was made to do more
than just break
Jan 28 · 1.9k
Self Love
I will spread dirt into every crevice of my broken heart and plant flowers so big and beautiful, that their roots will mend all the shattered pieces back together, and you’ll never be able to see the mess I used to be.
Nov 2018 · 152
Lazarus
Lauren Johnson Nov 2018
I am proof of life after death.
Time for a new chapter
Nov 2018 · 154
Butterflies
Lauren Johnson Nov 2018
I am confused by your hand resting on the side of my face. As if you’re holding something fragile, that you don’t want to break.

I am confused by your gentle eyes that stare back into mine. As if I hold every answer to every question you wondered. Like I am your god-sent sign.

Could it be true?
Could you actually like me
Like I like you?
Probably not
Sep 2018 · 2.5k
Yankee Field
Lauren Johnson Sep 2018
My life is a series of questions with no answers that come at me like a 90 mph curve ball straight to the chest.

If only I was a baseball player, and could decipher one pitch from the next

Because the only pitch I can knock out of the park is the question “why are you sad?”

And my home run answer is

“I don’t know”
Jul 2018 · 159
Something a Wise Woman Said
Lauren Johnson Jul 2018
Don’t put out the fire in your lungs just because he doesn’t like the flames that pour out your lips
Jul 2018 · 140
Fooled Me
Lauren Johnson Jul 2018
You deserve an Oscar for the act you played
Jul 2018 · 179
Silly Me
Lauren Johnson Jul 2018
I see now
That you didn’t break my heart
I broke it
When I gave it to you
And expected you to catch it
I won’t make the same mistake again
Jul 2018 · 560
For When You Ask Why
Lauren Johnson Jul 2018
I will always want the best for you.
I just wish I was the best.
Jul 2018 · 158
Unknowingly
Lauren Johnson Jul 2018
You can’t break her heart
It’s already broken
He carries it around with him in a jar in his back pocket
Unknowingly
Jun 2018 · 146
How Much I Loved You
Lauren Johnson Jun 2018
I wiped away your tears

When you told me you didn’t want me
I remember the night I told you
Jun 2018 · 151
Home
Lauren Johnson Jun 2018
Home doesn’t mean anything

If you’re not here
May 2018 · 187
The Tides
Lauren Johnson May 2018
I am the ocean
     And you are the moon
No matter how high I rise
     Stretching and yearning
I can never seem to reach you
     And you never notice me
So when you leave,
     I fall back into a puddle of salty tears
Waiting to see you
     So I can try all over again
It’s been 6 months
Apr 2018 · 254
Another Chapter
Lauren Johnson Apr 2018
I am very confused
By this boy I met in school
He talks to me all the time
Is it April fools?

But it’s not April
And this guy I’m starting to like
He holds open doors for me
And is actually really nice

“No,” my mind screams
“Don’t fall for him.
Remember what happened the last time you let someone in?”

My heart stops in its tracks
Remembering that pain
How many nights I spent wide awake
How I still don’t feel the same

He left me broken
Lonely, empty, bruised
He only wanted one thing
And now I feel used

“This can’t be true”
My mind convinces me
“This new guy doesn’t actually like you,
Are you too blind to see?”

So I cut him off
And focus on work
But that boy still won’t give up
And my heart is starting to hurt

“I’m scared” I tell him
“To drop down my walls.”
“You don’t have to be,” he says
“I won’t leave when you fall.”

So I show him the lines
That run across my thigh
I’m nervous about what he’ll say
But I’m not afraid to try

I tell him my story
About all the nights I spent wasted
Trying to forget how you felt
And the way your skin tasted

He opens his mouth to speak
and my heart starts to sink
But what he says surprises me
It makes me rethink

“I didn’t want you because you’re pure.
I already knew you weren’t.
I can see it in your eyes, you’ve experienced a lot of hurt.

But you still smile really wide
And your laughter fills a room
You’re kind to everyone you meet
And your eyes rival the moon

No, I don’t want you for what you’re not
I can find that in any girl
I want you for all the times you’ve fallen down,
And here you are
still facing the world.”
Apr 2018 · 238
Don’t Forget
Lauren Johnson Apr 2018
I heard you’re going to Alaska
To work on a fishing boat
Spend the summer under warm skies
In a place you’ve always wanted to see

But while you’re out there
Experiencing the world
You’re forgetting me
The girl back at home
Who has glasses too big for her face
And an unruly mess of curly brown hair
Who has a list of everything she knows about you in her notes
And hundreds of poems written about you
That you’ll never see
Lauren Johnson Apr 2018
I can feel where she is
If I close my eyes
the grass between my toes
the soft, cold wind raises goosebumps on my skin
the stars high up in the sky
the sound of crickets in the field
If I close my eyes
I can feel where she is

But I can also feel the ache in her chest
The sharp pain in her side
From months of running and searching for you
The broken, roughed up skin on the bottom of her feet
The mud on her legs
Her crazy, wind whipped hair
She falls to the ground and takes deep breaths, exhausted

She is done running for you
Searching high and low for your eyes and your hands and your skin

But she still isn’t ready to come home
Not just yet
Apr 2018 · 167
Still Is
Lauren Johnson Apr 2018
My love for you
Could raise mountains
Create blue skies
And grow flowers

My love for you
Was laughter and sunshine
On a warm day
It was an endless road
With the radio turned up high

My love for you
Was deeper than the oceans
And more vast than the stars in the sky

My love for you
Still is
For you. If by some crazy chance you read this, this ones for you.
Apr 2018 · 150
Desperately
Lauren Johnson Apr 2018
I loved you endlessy
Wholly
Hopelessly
Desperately

Every molecule in my body
Every breath I took
Every beat of my heart

I gave it all to you

So how did I expect you to love me in return

If I didn’t have anything left of me for you to love?
Mar 2018 · 371
Love Is
Lauren Johnson Mar 2018
Love
Is not a quiet thing.
you cannot deny it
It’s something you feel in your bones
Something that anchors you down
Plants your feet into the ground
Makes you sturdy and strong.

Love
Is also a gentle thing.
It warms your insides
And floods your heart
It’s something you can feel radiating off your skin
It makes everything seem alright

Love
Can be painful
It rips your chest apart
It wakes you up in the middle of the night,
Screaming out for the other half of you
It is the tidal wave that forces you back under the covers in the morning

But love
Is also strong
It is an iron fist
That chains your heart to the other
It is waking up after a heated fight
And not giving up
But trying again
Mar 2018 · 228
I Lost Her Looking for You
Lauren Johnson Mar 2018
That girl you talked to
The one who laughed the loudest
And liked star gazing
The one who wasn’t a drinker
And didn’t have scars on her thigh
She’s gone.
As if on that night, January 1rst
At 5am
My body tore in half
Split right down the middle
I don’t know where she went, but she ran
I can take a guess though
She probably went to that park we always went to at 1am
Or under the covers of your bed
Or in the shower at your uncles house
Running barefoot across gravel and dirt
Frantically
I think she’s looking for you
Desperately searching high and low
For your hand to hold
But it’s time for her to come back
I need her to come home
I miss her
Mar 2018 · 130
Testing Time
Lauren Johnson Mar 2018
Because in the end,

You’re still the one I love.
It’s been 3 months. Although I do not cry as much anymore, my heart still yearns.
Mar 2018 · 254
What I Would Do
Lauren Johnson Mar 2018
I would do many things
In order to forget about you

I would stub my pinky toe on a wall
Or get a big and **** tattoo
Lose all of my hair
And constantly have the flu

I would let a spider crawl on me
And run naked through the streets
Acquire a horrible sunburn everywhere
And only eat frost burned meats

I would get a paper cut between my fingers
Or bid my favorite book adieu
Even give up writing
Just to have one day where I don’t think about you

Ahh, yes. There are many things I would do, in order to forget about you.

But the truth is, there are even more things I would do, to be loved by you.
Feb 2018 · 396
Reciprocate
Lauren Johnson Feb 2018
He will take from you, girl
He will take and take and take
And give nothing in return
But you’ll be too blinded to see it

But when there’s nothing more for him to take
And he leaves you empty,
You will blame yourself.
Because in reality,
He didn’t take.
You gave
Feb 2018 · 824
Love
Lauren Johnson Feb 2018
I am so sure of my love for you

It makes me unsure of everything else.
Feb 2018 · 282
An Excerpt from My Diary
Lauren Johnson Feb 2018
“It has been a little more than a month, and I still find myself crying. I have never really cried out loud before, but these cries are more like wails, and I can’t keep quiet. They rip my chest open and make me want to cry harder, even though it’s physically impossible for me to do so.”
Do you remember?
Feb 2018 · 174
Time
Feb 2018 · 689
Something I learned
Lauren Johnson Feb 2018
No reason to stay

Is a perfectly good reason to go.
Feb 2018 · 244
Keep Going
Lauren Johnson Feb 2018
Crimson tears still flow through my veins
But I am not sure how
Because I haven’t felt alive since the day you left
I haven’t felt like myself

My legs still walk and my voice still talks
But my skin feels foreign now
Every day is a battle to get out of bed
With the memory of you still rife in my head

But there’s a voice inside
And I’m not sure where she resides
But she whispers into my ears

“Get up and keep going”

So I fight gravity to stand up on my feet
Even though it’s really hard
But the truth is very plain to see
I never needed you
I only needed me
Jan 2018 · 182
Unfair
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
Momma taught me that life was unfair

So maybe that’s why he gets to walk away
Unscathed

While I stand here, beaten and bruised, desperately trying to hold myself together
Jan 2018 · 233
Undiminishable
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
Your fire may have died down
And it may seem to heavy to fly
But you are still a dragon;
And those tears will subside
Jan 2018 · 696
Progress
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
Today, I had a drink

For the first time, the purpose of it wasn’t to numb the pain you left

But to simply

Have fun
Jan 2018 · 177
Are you able to do that?
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
It is easy to get over someone

If you never seen them.

The hard thing to do, is to be able to look them in the eye

And say to yourself,

“This is not what I want anymore”
I’m not
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
And the most important step that needs to be taken

Is to accept your emotions

And not think yourself weak because of them
Jan 2018 · 392
Words from the Wise
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
No matter what you do for him

He will never feel the same as you
Something I need to realize
Jan 2018 · 233
Next time, keep walking
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
You have left me abandoned so many times,

I have the lines on your back memorized

better than the ones on your face
Jan 2018 · 160
New Girl
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
I want to yell and scream and claw myself out of this cage
And tell you what this new girl has done to me
She drowns me in alcohol
And uses my body as her canvas
She likes the way all my muscles contract at once
to expel your memory out of my stomach at 3 am
After trying to forget you at 1 am
It makes me feel alive
And she likes the way her drawings on my skin make me feel less emotion
And more grounded

But every time I go to open my mouth
To plead
To tell you  
She won’t let me
Writing is the only thing she can’t control
So I write and write and write
Words that are mushed together and silly
That pour out of me too fast to catch
I’m trying to tell you, it’s not me, mom.
I wouldn’t do this to me
I’m not me
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
And for the first time in forever,

I danced alone in the kitchen at 1am

without the help of alcohol
Jan 2018 · 386
Momma Says
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
Momma says to eat your greens
but that spinach looks like something that you could pull out of a shower drain
I never listen

Momma says not to talk to strangers
but I’m too friendly not to talk to the guy who said hi at the grocery store
I never listen

Momma says he’s seems indifferent
but that boy has the sunset trapped in his eyes, and causes my side to cramp with laughter
I never listen

Momma says I should’ve seen it coming
but I actually believed him when he kissed me and held my hand
I never listen

Momma says not to turn to drinking
but this alcohol is a life jacket, and holds me above the waves
I never listen

Momma says not to harm myself
but that blade helps me feel something other than empty
I never listen

Momma says she’s sorry this happened, and that she wished she could take the pain away
but no momma. you warned me

I’m sorry I never listened
Jan 2018 · 232
Lost
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
you left
you left me open and all alone
broke me and made me pick up the pieces
now everyone looks at me like i’m fragile
and that they have to be careful with me

why?
why did you leave
right when I needed you most?

Like an abandoned dog
I sit here and wait for you to come back
but you never do
and now I don’t know where to turn to
or which way to go
so I wander aimlessly
helplessly lost

and I am not sure what I am more upset about
the fact that you never loved me
or the fact that I can’t seem to remember myself

before you
Jan 2018 · 213
it comes with a price
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
how is it possible

that love can give your heart wings

yet can also tear them out?
things i think about when i wake up and remember
Jan 2018 · 430
AP Lit Class
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
today in class, we had to fill out a new years resolution, and answer questions about 2017. one of the questions was “describe two happy or positive moments from 2017” and another was “describe two sad or negative moments from 2017”

i thought of you for both questions

and then i wrote about something else
Jan 2018 · 251
My cure
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
this bottle keeps on emptying
as fast as it’s replace
so i go and grab another one
even though it leaves a horrible after taste

that’s okay, though
because the burning helps erase
the memory of your laugh and lips
so i drink it anyway,
although without very much grace

i still love you, ya know
although i wish i didn’t
because my mom says drinking is bad
but unfortunately, i never listen
Jan 2018 · 177
my child named grief
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
i carry my grief
like a baby in my arms
protecting it with my life
but this baby is not a baby
but a snake
i want to let go
but i can’t
it’s got its tail wrapping and encircling
up and up my arms
and it’s fangs sunk deep into my wrists
why do i protect and nurture something that’s slowly killing me?
i know what i am carrying
but someone please help me open my eyes and realize
that killing this grief
is the only way to save myself
Jan 2018 · 148
Constant Reminder
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
Please don’t tell me I shouldn’t
I know I know I know.
But you were the one who left me
so don’t tell me which road to go

I am doing my best to get over you
can’t you see?
so why do you stick around and make sure I’m okay.
just let me be

please.
Jan 2018 · 335
Dullness
Lauren Johnson Jan 2018
you know that feeling
when something happens
that you knew probably happened but just didn’t want to believe it was true
but now you know it’s true
and so your heart just kinda sinks to your feet and you aren’t quite sure how to pick it back up
and you don’t even feel like crying because all your anguish just dissipated into the air  
and now you feel empty
so you just sit there on the floor
staring at nothing
all the life and color absent from your eyes

yeah

i know that feeling too
I don’t even know what to tag this
Dec 2017 · 175
Nothing but lies
Lauren Johnson Dec 2017
sometimes at night
i molt out of my skin
and drown my lungs in alcohol
that burns like gas going down
but still feels better than the rotting in my chest
you say i don’t drink
you’re right. i don’t
but she does
she’s tragedy, slithered deep inside
laying coiled around my ribs
protecting my anguish
and disguising it as something else
you see, i still think about you
but you lay with another girl
in the same bed we laid in
bottles are my only salvation
away from the thought of you
but shhh
don’t tell anyone
Dec 2017 · 177
My last token of you
Lauren Johnson Dec 2017
I’ll always remember
the way you slammed that door shut
and kissed me like you were suffocating
and I was a breath of fresh air
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