you whisper something in my ear,
your body is so close to mine,
it turns me deaf.
i ask you to repeat,
this time i hear you
but every cell in my body
is filled with desire,
i crave you close so
i pretend that i didnt hear you,
again.

I keep losing things that I never had.
I feel homesick in places that feel a lot like home.
I find light in the dark spaces between stars.
The moon is screaming back all the secrets I howled.
I swear that at this moment everything feels like nothing.
And no matter how hard I pinch myself, it still feels nothing like reality.

In a world where I am a stranger, mostly to myself,
You seem to be the only thing I’m able to recognize.
You’re my home away from home
You’re my calming down
You’re my safe zone
You’re where I figure it all out.

this is what ***** me up,
she smiles. a smile so pure my head and the universe switch turns. my head is spinning and the world stops. the sun blinks a couple of times and the moon comes rushing in. its night time and all of the stars are shining but when compared to that smile of hers, the stars are just dots. i am a dot in this marvelous world. and it ***** me up that i just want to grab her by the hand and pull her so close that my ribs start smashing. but its fine. my ribs are just making her way home. where she always lived. where everything is familiar with her touch. i want to kiss her until her lips is the only taste i know. i want to breath her in until her smell replaces every oxygen molecule in my lungs.
it ***** me up, that for those few seconds im a normal personal. i just want to love. destructive thoughts leave me be. no issues, nothing twisted. just a lover.

You can’t trust love anymore because it once did you wrong. You keep wishing that someday you'll open up your heart, but you know you lost the keys a long time ago.
You got lost and you'll die looking for directions to come back, but you forget that they ripped your maps apart.

Here is to every child that didn’t get to experience childhood.
Who had to be a grown up.
Who had to lift themselves up.
Who had to hold themselves up.
Who kept up with the beating up.

Death wasn’t supposed to be our first word.
These are not the games we wanted to play.
We didn’t imagine our first heartbreak will be at this young age.
The only love we knew was pain and cruelty.
Peace is not a word in our dictionary.

So please, excuse the way we act,
don’t freak out when we push you away;
we are not familiar with attention and consideration.

You’re the only water I wouldn't mind drowning in.
You’re the only drug I’ll keep overdosing on.
You’re the cliff I won’t mind jumping over.
You’re the most poisonous element that I will gladly inhale till I suffocate.
Your hands are the hanger I’ll wrap around my neck with, nothing but a euphoric rush filling every cell in my body.
You’re the gun and I’ll empty all your bullets straight into my brains..


You are my favorite suicide method.

and if the stars could align in a way to form a constellation that resemble her smile, or shine in that same way her eyes does, something in my chest will ache and by then i will realize the presence of a heart in me. and when i listen closely i'll hear a beat that sounds exactly like the sound of her voice.
its not the stars,
its not me.
its her.
she does that to me.
her presence assures you that its all alright, that you are going to be just fine because she's by your side. and when her hand touches yours, all your problems will fade away and your mind will finally shut up. your only thought would be a wish that she'll never let you go. and if theres any good in all of this bad in me, then its thanks to her. she does that to me.